How to repair relationship with Dil

Go and see her or take her out for a meal. Acknowledge your insensitivity and invite her to tell you how hurt she has been so you can apologise to her face and acknowledge you want to start to put things right, then she may find it in her heart to give you another chance to get it right. (Show her what you've written on here perhaps.)

I admire your willingness to own your past mistakes and your attempts to put things right. I hope you can fix this.

Good advice, as usual, grannyactivist
I hope you manage to sort things out, Dilley ?

Thank you Grannyactivist,

Thank you for your kind and wise advice. I will broach this with my son, he didn't want me to say anything to her (She's quite shy and not very confrontational)

The more I think about it the worse I feel. She's so sweet, always thinking of nice things for my family, drops off cooked meals to my elderly widowed mil (my mil has also said some silly things to her), cleaning my house top to bottom when she has dogsat for me in the past, always brings flowers and homebaked goods when she visits.

I say things before I think, my son has also gotten mad at me in the past and dil has refereed us to calm things down. I'm so cross at myself that I've messed up what was a great relationship and terrified I've done irreparable harm.

After talking to son earlier today I can't sleep I'm so worried.

Maybe she hasn't got over the miscarriage? Or is having difficulty in getting pregnant again?

Dilly I would just say you are a breath of fresh air being able to recognise you have faults and are asking for help to put them right
As you’re son has asked you to say no more to your daughter in law I think he may be thinking you could make it worse, and you could you know
I worry about wearing my words on my sleeve sometimes and say too much too quickly and I find that writing things down can be much easier as you can take your time thinking of the words and rereading after
How about a lovely bunch of flowers with a card saying you are sorry for speaking out of turn and tell her how much you appreciate her and her being in your lives Make it short and sweet not waffling around being too wordy

Then in future think very carefully before you blurt things out and appreciate what a lovely daughter in law you have
Good luck

Wise words Bluebell. It sounds a good idea, the flowers and the note, she sounds so lovely she will put the upset behind her, she has a lot to look forward to. I too make mistakes and worry afterwards, I am constantly worrying before I speak now in case I put my foot in it. Wish I was different.

Don't give up however hard. I say things I regret too but I think we should remember it's not always about us.
DD suffers from depression and I find it hard to help her.
Good advice here to keep the communication open. I hope things improve. Every day is important, not just Christmas.

I always vowed that I would never have my mother's traits and thank God I didn't !
You can change the way you are by " lying low " for a short period and though you've seen the error of your ways it'll take time for any reparation.
We've all said things and bitten our tongues afterwards but the more " you go over the top " with your apologies etc, the more your DiL will have a degree of wariness should the same thing happen again.Don't leave her walking on eggshells.
My mother was like that with her ex-DiL and it must have been terrible for her. I know it was.

No wonder she is wary of you. What on earth did you say that was insensitive about a miscarriage ? It's hard for me to imagine that anyone , especially a mother, would say something offensive when their son and his wife lose a baby . I'd say you need to look long and hard about how you talk to people. You can start by ceasing to call this sort of thing a "misstep" as if it's just a small thing. It sounds to me as if you need a complete overhaul in your manner towards other people.

My thoughts too stella1949.

Harsh Stella The OP has already admitted she made mistakes and is looking to put things right. Glass houses etc.
Dilly good advice here, I like the flowers idea, you could also send a note to say some of the things you have told us here. Then say you will step back until your daughter in law feels ready to talk to you. Good luck.

I think perhaps you should look at what motivated you to make inappropriate, hurtful comments to your daughter in law.
Were you completely unaware that you might hurt her more than she already was?
Was each comment a misstep, because that does sound hard to believe?
An apology that skims over your role in the distance created is not really good enough.
You need to wholeheartedly apologise, not just because grandchildren may come along, but because you must have come across as spiteful, even if that wasn't the intention.

Stella that’s really harsh, sometimes people say things to try to be positive and they can really come out wrong I remember a friend saying and she meant it so kindly ‘ you are young you will get pregnant again’ Absolutely the worst thing to say but she meant to reassure not hurt
We don’t know what Dilly did say but she sounds a kind caring and humble person so I m sure whatever she said was just clumsy and not meant nastily
Ellen and Stella have you never ever said anything you wished you hadn’t, I know I have

She seems a lovely girl, who does love you a lot. Try and do what the others have said ....a note and flowers.
I have 2 d.i.ls, one who is very sweet and living, the other who somehow dislikes me. Personality clash or something deeper, I don't know. I have come to the conclusion , maybe I'm not very likeable and whatever I say or do, won't make any difference. I have the added misfortune of having her and my exhusband's wife extremely close. For the sake of the grandkids I visit every couple of weeks even though they live 10 mins drive away. (Btw, they have also declined joining the family Xmas meal). I am hurting a lot.
I think there's a lot of affection between you two and you are a nice person to accept your mistakes.
I hope it all works out for you.

I did exactly the same once - when my DiL told me she'd had a miscarriage I didn't sympathise very much. She is such a strong lass, and also I was under the impression that she was talking about a miscarriage from before having her daughter,our DGD. I only found out weeks later that it had been recent when she told me and she had been hurt by my reaction and as soon as I realised it I aplogised to her outright at the next opportunity. It was the only way.

Maybe a little honest chat with your DiL will clear the air. Woman to woman. Your DS knows his wife but there is also a bond of womanhood between you and your DiL which might provide you with a way back to her.

You sound like a very genuine person Dilly and you have a lovely DiL who you care about. I’m sure you can resolve this and afterwards you will be even closer.

* Stella* What, in the OPs post, suggests that she needs such critical advice...she is already criticising herself and owning her mistakes!! You could suggest that the OP needs to think very carefully about how she speaks to people, including her DIL, but in a much kinder way that will helpfully provide food for thought for the OP!1 What a pity!

I put my hands up, I absolutely messed up Stella. There are home truths I need to hear I guess on all sides. Perhaps why my other Dil isn't very interested in a relationship with me. (She's nice but distant)

The comments I made that were insensitive to people who asked, I've elaborated below so people can give advice on how I should apologise or hints on how I might broach it. It is denting my pride listing these out, so please don't beat me up as I'm already feeling sick about it, but here goes,

Dil had severe vomiting (Hyperemesis gravidarum) and works part time at a university lecturing and had to hide it because the pregnancy had issues at 11 weeks and she didn't know if she was going to lose it so didn't want to announce it. Also her department has been making cuts & she was worried she'd be let go if they knew she was pregnant.

My son wasn't working at the time, and she was supporting them both whilst very ill. I made some stupid comments that the pregnancy was just cells & not a baby, (she was raised Catholic so not her views) and that I was worried my son looked tired from the stress of it all. My son said yesterday I should have shown some empathy that Dil was trying to work whilst very ill and terrified of losing her pregnancy. I also made some comments that her morning sickness was normal, and pregnancy isn't an illness and not to take any sick days off work - not realising she had the same condition as Duchess Kate. I also said that it was probably for the best (miscarriage) as they weren't financially ready for a baby.

Her own mum lives on the other side of the world and son said she was hoping I would treat her with a little more understanding rather than just worrying about my son.

Other past mistakes was fighting them on having a small wedding. I was so happy son was getting married and tried pushing them into a huge wedding with all my friends near where I live and muscled in on planning. Son baulked at this and said no way and they eloped to the Med instead. I think dil would have liked a little wedding with close friends and family, but because son was cross with me and didn't want to do any wedding after my pushing them. He brought this up too, he mentioned it was his mistake too, dil goes along with what everyone else wants to be kind and he said he needs to watch out for her more.

I think my group of friends are part of the issue, I say we are sassy, (my husband says interfering and gossipy) and whenever I ask their advice, I get "your the parent, tell her/them xyz". My sister who is more sage suggested I come here. Your advice is very heartening. I'm wondering today what to do from here. Son says dil is so private & she would be horrified son told me what upset her. But I don't want to let the hurt grow.

Oh Dilly you are being so honest in admitting to saying all the things that shouldn't be said. Sharp intake of breath as I read!
But that honesty could be your saving grace.
Tell her that it's been on your mind and that you've realised how badly you handled it. Tell her that you want her to know that you are not only sorry but really sad. Tell her you know your own faults and sincerely want to be her friend. Ask her if there is a way you can work through this together and ask her to forgive you.
Do not mention grandchildren!
You need to mend this relationship with her asap.
I admire your frankness and hope things work out for all of you.

How are your 'sassy' friends' relationships, dilly?
You're very brave posting the things you've said on here; brave because they are quite awful, but that's not the issue now.
I really hope you can draw your lovely daughter in law back where she belongs, as a kind and caring friend to you.
Honesty really is the best policy here.
Good luck.

I know. Writing them down has made me realise how hard my words must have sounded to a girl living so far away from her mum in a precarious position.

My friends Missadventure, well their own relationships, there have been a few bust ups in the groups recently and fallings out with their own Sil/Dils. In future I think I will ask advice here rather than ask them.

I have some post at my house for Dil and son (they direct signed for mail to my place as we are always home) and I know my son is out today with friends so thought I could ring her and say I'll drop by with mail and take her out for a coffee.

How should I broach the miscarriage with her? Son said she still is upset around it. Her friends are all pregnant or have children, so she has to attend many showers and christenings. He also said she gets sad when baby ads come on t.v, so I don't want to make her revisit that pain, but obviously my words are still ringing in her ears. Son says they are waiting to try to they are more financially stable - they are getting there, son doing well now, and Dil's career is going very well she is a bit of a star in the art world (unfortunately though it isn't highly paid), but wondering if I should offer them some money to help with a deposit so they start trying again soon rather than later... Or should I leave that for another day?

Perhaps I can offer a different perspective? I was often on the receiving end of thoughtless and sometimes unkind remarks about my childlessness. Some never even realised their insensitivity which I found very hard - still do if I am honest. Those who realised and apologised were forgiven and became great friends over some pretty dreadful events over the years. As for the rest - some stayed in touch but there was never the strength or depth of friendship again.

As you are so honest and wanting to forgive Dilly then do so. I can assure you that whilst making the move will be difficult, it is best done quickly with the love and compassion you show here. I fear you will all regret it if you do nothing.

I think the taking out for coffee is a great idea but please don’t say anything directly, you might get it all wrong again in your quest to put it right if you see what I mean ! I would put a lovely card in an envelope with the post your handing over and in the card keep it very simple just say you ve thought over some things you’ve said to her in the past and realise how insensitive some of your comments have been (Please don’t list them or else she WILL have to revisit it all) Tell her that you love having her as a daughter in law and hope you can build on your relationship ...and then just try not to be so John Blunt with a sensitive lassie in the future
I do admire your honesty and I d give your sassy friends advice a bit of a wide berth they sound too blooming sassy

Thank you for the advice. Looking on Gransnet while I couldn't sleep the posters posting about estrangement and no contact really worried me. I know she wouldn't do that, she's as sweet as a button and such a people pleaser, but that she has pulled back recently must have meant I really hurt her.

To all the people saying how brave I am, yes a bit, but I have been like a steamroller for so long I didn't realise the effect it had. Son talks back to me when I'm too blunt, but Dil wouldn't dream of it, she's from a very respectful family with Italian heritage, where elders are shown respect so son's words really hit me like a ton of bricks as I think the world of her, and hate that I caused this rift.

I called and am leaving in an hour, drinking tea to calm my nerves. Bluebelle, taking your advice and getting some flowers and a little cactus, their flat is filled with houseplants so think she will love that.