Loss of a friend

Condolences to all who are grieving.

So sad when that loss results in a "what's in it for me" attitude. It's especially sad when others around that person are dealing with the pain of losing a loved one. Who knows may be it's a coping mechanism.

We have heard of three deaths with in the last 7 days and the approach to any gains has been so different within the three families.

They are family of friends so our role is more one of supporting our friends but to see the effects and attitudes has been quite an insight.

Two of the deaths were expected, just not the when, so although both families are sad they have some comfort as their loved ones are now at peace.

One Dad suffered long term dementia and a brother from long term kidney problems that dialysis was struggling to cope with.

The third sad loss was very unexpected.

The family of the Dad, who died yesterday, have been outstanding. One son returned from the USA, change jobs, got a new home, he did so much to be with his Dad and siblings. All of the family have been very much, what dad has is used for his well being, he was a widower so he was there remaining parent.

Our friend who lost his brother last week, he was with him at the time, was so surprised by the attitude of his other brother. His other brother would not make the journey to be there and when our friend made the call the first question was "is there a Will" "yes" said our friend, "oh good, what do I get". He was stunned, but there you go, families.

The third is a lovely lady in her 70's, her DH went for a small operation and died unexpectedly. Her DD was there within the hour to support he Mum. Her son when told said he and his family had too many commitments and social arrangements to attend so he's wait until the Christmas holidays to see his Mum. But while he was on the phone did his sister know if Dad had left a will and what would he get. Needless to say his sister hasn't told her Mum this bit but she's spitting feathers.

There seems to be some truth in Pam Ayres "where there's a will there's a grasping relation". I think I've got that right but apologies if I've got it wrong.

I think the best anyone can do in these situations is carry on being who they are and let the grabbers grab. We can't change anything but I have seen how the grasping attitude has hurt out friends on top of the pain they are feeling over their loss.

Only thing we can really do is just keep supporting those who are hurt the best way we can.

Oh and as tempting as it is to criticise the grabbers, best not, or keep it mild. Families are funny things and tomorrow we may be the bad ones for agreeing with someone that ... was being callous, grasping, greedy or whatever.

So though these sad events in our lives keep being be kind to yourself and others whatever they response to the loss of a loved one.

Take Care

I can sympathise with those of you who have lost several friends or relatives this year, writing Christmas cards brings it home how many friends have died since last year.

I live in an area of bungalows and when I moved in I was made so welcome by my neighbours, all of whom are at least 15 years older than me. Sadly, four have died in the last three months so my neighbourhood will have several new people as all four bungalows are either up for sale or recently sold. As many people have lived here for a while, most bungalows are refurbished before people move in so my street has been a bit noisy the past few weeks with builders vans parked everywhere! But I am looking forward to welcoming my new neighbours but I am praying that my next door neighbour, who went off in ambulance yesterday, recovers and returns home soon.

Paddyann, you were not the one who wiped her tears, when she did not see her grandchildren, you were not the one who had to listen to the sadness in her voice when she told me about the day her daughter ordered her out of the house, because she had woken up earlier than the rest of the family, when she went to visit them. You are not the one she telephoned, on an almost daily basis, because she was so lonely. So yes, I am upset at her children's sudden interest in her, after she died. I have every right to, because I was one of her best friends .

Good for you CrazyH

Sharp comments are not appropriate on this forum. We are here to support each other not put each other down. Sorry for your loss, I suspect you are close to the mark.

Paddyann, you contribute so regularly to this site and often you sound so angry and bitter. It sounds as if you feel this is your domain as you are so critical of others opinions. I feel really sorry that you cannot respect others feelings without challenging them. This is otherwise such a supportive group.

Yes, unfortunately many of us are of an age when 'natural' death is very much around us. I myself have recently lost a couple of friends and a dear acquaintance of long standing. Much to my surprise I find myself unable to delete them from my address and telephone lists. It feels as though that would mean they never existed. The rational me knows that is utter nonsense but I genuinely find it a stumbling block. Interested to discover when I will manage the deed.

[flowers and to all those who are grieving. It is hard especially to lose more than one loved one in close succession. five years ago I lost my 2 beloved aunties, who were like second mothers to me, six weeks apart. I felt numb for a bout 6 months. Now I remember them with fondness and affection and recall all of the lovely things we did together.

I lost a good friend in the summer it was very sudden and a shock we had supported each other for many years I miss our chats to all who have lost someone this year ?

It is something that comes with increasing age, but doesn't get any easier. Have lost much loved aunt, godmother and a good friend all within the past four months, and no doubt the older I get the more frequent it will be. I have decided to spend next year visiting as many of the friends on my Christmas list as I can!

Take comfort from the fact that she knew you loved her, and she loved you too, that will not fade away.

I am sorry for your loss...and sympathies to all who feel bereft this Christmas especially.
O, holdingontometeeth! You are brave as there are folks waiting to pounce on views like that!

Very sorry for your loss.

wellwalked I am well aware of the group of wannabe Moderator hopefuls who wish to run the site to solely project their likes and opinions and deny newbies the right to their own opinion if it differs from theirs.
Being a laid back granddad I will be giving my views whether they are agreed with, or, as is more likely, not!
Thanks for the warning though.

Thank goodness there are a few brave souls who aren’t daunted by the unnecessary, critical comments from posters who manage to find fault in whatever anyone posts. It’s made me very reluctant to post at all but I salute you!

Luckylegs Thanks, but by breaking cover you will no doubt be targeted by a few snipers.

Yes i must admit i,m wary of posting too as scared of being jumped on,so i just sit here reading the posts.

People who feel the need to say bitter nasty things about others posts, are only showing their own personalities, bitter and nasty. Thanks to all those kind sensitive people who make up the greater number of posters.

There is a point of view that these friends reconciled before their mother died and almost certainly gave her a great deal of pleasure and a more peaceful passing. Who is to say that the realisation of impending illness and death was not the motive in being in contact again. Perhaps the younger generation did not want their parent to die without reconcialiation and the complex guilt that would have been left and can be both difficult to live with and more significantly too late to resolve. Maybe not jump to conclusions. If money was the motive surely they might have not left it so late. I would give them the benefit of the doubt, but that is just me. She must have got a lot of happiness having them back in her life. Let it go.

I must add that I am sorry your friend has died and you are missing her and can see that you are worried that she has been taken advantage of but better to try and remember the good times you had together.

so sorry for your loss, perhaps when your sadness is less raw you will feel less cynical? Good to hear that she and her children were able to reconcile before it was too late

paddyann! You really should learn to hold your "tongue"!

crazyH can I offer you my condolences on the loss of your very dear friend.
I still miss mine very much.

Yes, I am so glad that she was able to reconcile with her children, and from what her daughter told me, they were there at the end. I'm sure she went peacefully .
Thankyou all for your kind words and flowers.

I'm sure the thing uppermost in CrazyHs thoughts is the loss of her friend ( who has died GG!). But she is sad for her friend not seeing her children all that time. I too hope she left it to her gc. My MiL and I looked after an old lady for 2 years. No family ever came near. But they all appeared after she died. Condolences CrazyH. As someone said its part of life now unfortunately for all of us.

Memories are the most precious things you can have.
Her children may well have years of regret. very sad.

I'm just pleased that your friend had some contact with her daughter for the last few months of her life, for whatever the reason and none of us will know the reason why.
Yes families to split apart and there are certainly mercenary members of families that seem to reappear at just the right moment!
I just hope that your friends wishes have been followed and you can remember her with some of your nicest memories.