Spiteful mothers

CrazyH ??

Thanks GG13 xx

Why do so many exMILs feel it’s their former DILs responsibility to ensure ongoing contact with grandchildren? If a couple divorces one of the great trade offs is that at least you don’t have to put up with your exILs any longer unless you want to. That’s your sons role to facilitate the relationship with your grandkids. If your son doesn’t have contact then he needs to go to court. Once he has access, you will too.

Once a the marriage is over, your ex-DIL shouldn't be expected to facilitate any visits between her children and her husbands extended family. This is a responsibility that now rests with your son. Married or not, he should have filed for partial custody of his child. And once custody is granted, you as their grandmother can visit with your grandchildren during your sons visitation hours. It would be great if ex-DIL took it upon herself and arranged these visits with you, but you can't expect her to do it, otr get upset when it doesn't get done.
Why aren't/haven't your sons facilitated visits with thier own through a court of law?

If he has not filed for partial custody, then you need to discuss this with him, as opposed to getting upset with ex-DIL and branding the mothers as being spiteful and brainwashing their grandchildren.

I'd further take a moment to re-evaluate and reflect on the situation at hand - if you have 3 grandchildren but don't get see any of them. Again what are all of your sons doing to rectify this? Why haven't they gone to court and obtained a legally binding visitation order? This way the visitaton schedules for the entire calendar year is all planned out in advance, without these expectations that later only lead to disappointments?

Or is there some other underlying issue that led to these family separations that would bar your sons from gaining partial custody/visitation of their own children, and that you as the grandmother are not privy to? Not sure why the blame gets passed on to "mothers," when there are times the men have also quickly moved on with their single lives of moved onto new relationships, don't want to pay child support, have been abusive, simply couldn't be bothered with custody/visitation arrangements etc. This is not an excuse for DIL to be spiteful but it still doesn't negate the fact that it's no longer her responsibility to facilitate visitations with the paternal grandparents.

I feel horrible for you but this is now your sons responsibility. Not unless ex-DIL is violating a granted court order, which in that case your son would have to take her back to court, but she'd now face the risks of violating a court order and loosing custody of her children altogether. So I doubt this is the case. Work on getting access to your grandchildren through your sons.

Then there are the grandparents and extended family that walk away from their grand children when their son walks out on his family. Won't even acknowledge them when they meet them in the newsagent. Very distressing for the children who were 3 & 5 at the time.

My daughter went out of her way to ensure that her ex partners parents saw GC every week, even though partner “

Oops to early - event though partner “the idiot” refused to see his child for 16 months.

Not all ex daughter in laws are the devil incarnate.

If you listen to my partner's daughter's ex, you would think she was the one causing problems. In fact, she has tried to keep to some sort of arrangement, it is him & his new wife who keep messing about as it suits him.
The kids have noticed, it probably won't be long before they say they don't want to go.
They do have their grandad, and also their nanny (dad's mother), who both do their best to keep the peace.

It's not all mothers, but some do, as do some dad's. . They see it as punishing the other parent but it is the child that suffers. There are some who actively bite their tongue and promote positivity around the child, but it is rare. I feel for you. Did you have a good relationship with your DIL? If so, maybe reach out to her?

I have a feeling that my ex mil would have said this about me. Yet, I would have loved them to see my children. And their father too. It just didn’t happen much to my regret.

My daughter has just split with her cheating husband. She asked me if I thought twice a week was a reasonable amount for him to see the children. I agreed it was, and I know he takes them to see his parents. So, not all mothers are unreasonable.

I split with my Exh because of his conduct and also his family's constant emotional blackmail of my entire family. He had shown no real interest in the children and didn't have a clue about children or the care needed.
He took me to Court, Judge said NO. I was branded the bad one. However, my view is that neither he nor his family would have dared to take it up with the Judge as to why he said No Contact.
It was his and his family's own doing that they were out of the childrens' lives.

That's very sad but not all mother's do this and fathers are guilty of doing this too. When I divorced my first husband, who was a violent drunk, the only time I stopped him seeing them was when he would turn up drunk to collect them. I allowed them to build their own relationship with their father and any negative feelings they had towards him were due to his behaviour and not anything I had said or done. I also tried not to bad mouth him in front of them - not an easy task! I hope the situation resolves itself over time Sweatpea60 and I do feel for you.

When my friends sil has the kids he does beans on toast, has none himself ,then tells kids he won't eat tomorrow as he'll probably be homeless. He can still spend £40 on scratch cards every week.

Sadly, it’s a way of striking back and taking the upper hand. Grandparents are so necessary to the grandchildren when marriages fail. I do hope you can at least see your DGS soon.

My story is similar to yours, Cobweb.
My ex, their father died in Jan at age 81. They kept in contact throughout his life and they all went to his funeral.
I didn't - a step too far.

In every relationship breakdown the focus should primarily be on the children.

My manager said "contact is only ever for the benefit of the child, not for the adults", and I think this gets lost in everyone's determination to exercise their "rights".

I don't understand why the mature part of an adult's brain seems to leave them when a relationship breaks up, and instead of thinking "what can I do to make this easier on our child", the focus appears to shift to "how can I make things most difficult for my ex" (this is not gender specific of course).

Unless your sons have shown themselves to be dangerous to their children (is. physically or sexually abusive) then there should be no reason at all to stop contact. Whatever went on in the relationship between the parents should never impact on the relationships between parents and children.

I would go along with the suggestion to try and speak with the mothers of your grandchildren and say how much you miss seeing them. Remain calm at all times, even if you have to perforate your tongue by biting on it hard, and do NOT take sides in the relationship between you sons and their ex partners, but focus solely on your relationships with your grandchildren.

I wish you well, and hope you can see your grandchildren again soon.

I tend to agree with Live, Laugh, Love's sensible comments!
I do think it s worth a try with the suggestion I made earlier in the thread. But overall this is definitly for your son to sort out if he wants to see his children and then for him to ensure that they see you. Also, it is very unusual to not see any of your GC...why have 3 DIL's reacted the same way?

I know you are hurting and I really understand why. I hope that it can be sorted for you.

When my first marriage ended it was me who ended it as hubby was violent & had a drink problem. I still have a good relationship with his mum 25 years later, I always took the DCs to see her. When my 2nd husband left me for someone else our DD was 7. I didn't stop any of his family seeing DD but did say OW could not meet her for a few months as DD had enough to cope with, & as it had been an online affair Hubby did not actually meet OW until he left & she moved to our country. Hubby & his family spent next few months moaning that they couldn't do things all together. My mil ignored me. We weren't close before the split but got on ok.
I wouldn't dream of stopping grandparents seeing grand children. I have 9 grand children now & cherish my relationships with them..
I hope your d-i-l comes round & let's you see the children soon.

Very sad isn’t it I always feel so sorry for the families who are denied the company of their gc.
You can go to court and so can your son.

Emotions will be running high. Stand back a bit and let the dust settle. A marriage break-up is a very fraught time and things will be said in the heat of the moment.

You need to play the long game here and avoid labelling your DIL at this stage.

I know it is hard and I feel for you. Time will hopefully be your friend.

I have experienced this cruel alienation and have not seen my grandchildren for 18 months.
I would love to have arranged a meet up with ex DIL but she has blocked my calls. I tried contacting her parents , with whom I had always had a good relationship and her father put the phone down on me. I
The family courts has been involved but things move so very slowly . Difficult to see what can be done to improve things in these circumstances, having been frozen out by the very person I would have wanted to support after the divorce.

I'm sorry that you sound like you're having a tough time OP.
I think there's something to be said for remaining neutral if you have had a good relationship with this lady previously. I know you want to vent but I'm not sure name calling will get you far.
If I've understood your post correctly you have more than one son who doesn't get to see his respective children? In my mind that says to me either they haven't pushed for access in court, they've been denied access in court or they don't want access?? As the resident parent it is very difficult to go against a court order I'd imagine??
I have the opposite situation. Father of my dgd doesn't bother, like she doesn't exist. He's seen her in the street and ignored her. I'm only glad that she doesn't recognise him. But it breaks my heart. She asks about him. I have never understood the other grandparents attitude either. They ignore her too. Nasty if you ask me.
I hope your son sorts out his current contact situation and you in turn get to keep the bond with your grandchild.

Weird that I was thinking this morning if I should remind her father (and so my exMiL) that daughter has big birthday coming up. He texts her annually, well I suppose that's regular.

One of my relatives is not with his child's mother, but is co-parenting his toddler son. He and the boy's mum have gone to great lengths to ensure that the child sees both sets of grandparents regularly, mum and dad take turns at hosting him at Christmas and Easter, take part in some joint activities so the little one sees them together sometimes (including birthdays to which both sets of relatives are invited) and, so far, both parents have ensured that the child's well-being is paramount.

My point is that there are likely to be many families that do work hard to get it right after a relationship breakdown, but we are less likely to hear their stories than those whose experience is not so positive.