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Spiteful mothers

(84 Posts)
Sweetpea60 Mon 17-Dec-18 15:37:07

Why is it that when relationships break down and young children are involved the first thing that the mothers do is use the children to cause further upset as in denying the father acsess and grandparents to . My middle son has just broken up with his partner of 9 years they have a 7 year old son and this is what the mother has done so once again we are made to suffer .why do women do this it just causes so much heartache espectally at this time of year .we have 3 grandchildren and do not see any of them due to their spiteful brainwashing mothers. I just ask myself what have we done to desevre this?

maryeliza54 Mon 17-Dec-18 15:40:44

That would be all mothers would it?

silverlining48 Mon 17-Dec-18 15:42:09

That’s sad sweet pea, I am sorry.

GrannyGravy13 Mon 17-Dec-18 15:44:13

Maybe not calling the mother of your grandchild spiteful and brainwashing.

Sorry but there are always two sides to a story, maybe a kind approach without taking sides, would help your relationship with your daughter-in-laws?

oldbatty Mon 17-Dec-18 15:46:37

Sorry but I don't think life is quite as simple .

ninathenana Mon 17-Dec-18 15:47:43

Keep telling yourself that you have done nothing wrong. Sadly some parents think it's ok to use their children as weapons to cause upset.
I have been in your position. I have cried and tried to comfort my DD when she and we were denied access. It is horrible and I feel for you.
Amazingly our situation is now resolved and both DD, DH and I see the children.I hope you too can once again see DGC.

muffinthemoo Mon 17-Dec-18 15:52:18

Does son have a court date yet for a residence/contact order re the children?

Or does he have an order that his ex partner is not complying with?

Bathsheba Mon 17-Dec-18 15:57:11

The most important thing for grandparents, in a marriage break up, is to remain, very clearly, impartial. The break up is between the two marriage partners, and is nothing to do with the grandparents.
Hard, I know, when your DC is suffering, and needing your support and understanding. This can be given privately, however, but publicly you must be seen to be neutral. If you can be as pleasant as possible to the ex, this may pave the way to you being allowed access to your grandchildren.
We get on well with our ex DiL and see a great deal of the grandchildren. What we think about her privately is just that - private, and we don't let it get in the way of our relationship with her.

Sweetpea60 Mon 17-Dec-18 15:58:15

In response to grannygravy we have always got on great with the mother but this has come completely out of the blue and when the child is the first weapon of choice what other conclusion can we come up with .we have done nothing to deserve this and was looking forward to spending boxing day with them as we always have done .

MacCavity2 Mon 17-Dec-18 16:00:52

Sweetpea60 have to agree with you about some women today, they have no feelings for MILs who have supported them for years. I divorced when my son was eight and could never have been so cruel to my ex and MIL by keeping my son from them. Do they not know the damage it does to a child. It’s telling them that one half of them is bad and should be shunned. Is this child abuse?

Madgran77 Mon 17-Dec-18 16:04:37

sweetpea if you have always got on, do you think that this was a spur of the moment decision by your DIL, done in anger, upset and hurt? Not right, but probably human! Could you try getting in touch with her, asking to meet for tea and a chat? Talking to her about how you understand how painful this all is, how much you love your grandson and how much you have always enjoyed your relationship with her. Ask if there is some way a new sort of relationship can be worked out that benefits her son/ your grandson and maybe her as well, with childcare etc. Plus talk about how you would like to keep in touch with her too as the mother of your grandson who you have enjoyed a nice relationship with. flowers

GrannyGravy13 Mon 17-Dec-18 16:07:40

Thank you for your reply Sweatpea, it sounds like your daughter-in-law is having a hard time herself.

I apologise if my response seemed harsh, my only defence is that there seems to be so many anti daughter-in-law threads.

Try to be patient with her, maybe send a friendly text, anything low key to keep the lines of communication open.

BlueBelle Mon 17-Dec-18 16:10:57

So are you saying you have two or even three spiteful mothers in your life? That’s unlucky bad enough having one
If you ve always got on great with this daughter in law how come she is denying you access Can you let her know that your staying neutral and not siding with your son, that is if you’re not of course

Dontaskme Mon 17-Dec-18 16:47:25

Sweetpea I am sorry. I know only too well how heartbreaking this situation is, sadly so do many many others. The women have all the power when it comes to who sees the children. You'll get silly comments from people who haven't experienced what you're going through and imho they should butt out. I understand completely the angst and upset this causes, made worse by he worry you will have for your sons pain too.

Look after yourselves.

I can't make it better but I do understand.

M0nica Mon 17-Dec-18 16:55:28

There are some spiteful mothers and someneglectful fathers. Always have been, always will be.

I do not think things have changed much over the years.

MissAdventure Mon 17-Dec-18 17:00:43

Its possibly a reaction to something your son has done or said, as you have no way of knowing what exactly has transpired between him and the ex.
I'm not saying it is, but if you've got on up until now then that may be the case.

GrannyGravy13 Mon 17-Dec-18 17:02:32

I have been an ex daughter-in-law, have an ex daughter-in-law myself, and my daughter has an ex partner.

I think I have an extremely knowledgeable insight to "ex" problems.

oldbatty Mon 17-Dec-18 17:13:56

Put it on hold until this cold, dark and emotionally charged time of year has passed.

GrannyGravy13 Mon 17-Dec-18 17:18:01

Very sensible advice oldbatty

agnurse Mon 17-Dec-18 17:39:00

Indeed, there are two sides to every story. Even if you decide to ask her to get together, I'd suggest not discussing your son or the break-up at all. A parent's instinct is always going to be to protect a child. Nothing wrong with that in principle. The issue is that you don't know exactly what transpired between the two of them, and it is very hard for a parent to remain impartial as they are by definition not an objective observer.

Your best bet right now would be to encourage your son to maintain a relationship with his child. Then you can speak to him about the potential for you to see the child on his time. This is the case in most situations where the parents are not together - each parent takes responsibility for the grandparents on his or her side seeing the child.

Daddima Mon 17-Dec-18 17:47:46

On many occasions ( and on here) I have heard it said that there are two sides to every story. My mother always said there were three sides to every story, his, hers, and the truth ( which was probably halfway between the two).

crazyH Mon 17-Dec-18 17:56:01

Daughters in law are exactly what they are.......a law unto themselves. Their husbands and their families have to follow the rules.

SpanielNanny Mon 17-Dec-18 18:21:32

This is such a sad story, so Is your poor son not seeing his child at all? Encourage him to speak to a solicitor and arrange a court date asap, this way residence/visitation can be settled quickly and without your grandson going months without seeing his dad.

Unfortunately I think you may be barking up the wrong tree expecting your ex-daughter in law to be the one to arrange your visitation. In this day and age it seems that when separated, each parent aranges visits with their side of the family, on their time. At least that’s how it goes with my family & friends with divorced/separated adult children.

BlueBelle Mon 17-Dec-18 19:29:22

That’s a bit unkind CrazyH and very simplistic

crazyH Mon 17-Dec-18 20:00:04

Don't mean to be Bluebelle....I'm in a strange mood ...one of my best friends has just passed away and I'm taking it out on GN.........sorry !