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How to handle this?
(39 Posts)I have a SisIL whom I find very difficult indeed.
Back story is that OH had very little to do with his family - tolerated them if they visited, but did not initiate contact; and I stopped encouraging him to make contact quite early in our marriage as I decided he was an adult and could choose to make contact or not. So - not a close family at all.
Fast forward a bit and SIL invites her (now widowed) father to go and live with them abroad. This caused a few raised eyebrows as she was known not to get on with him at all. After a year or so, she got fed up with him and rang us to say he was coming back to UK and would be arriving on X date (transport had been arranged). There was nowhere else for him to go but to us.
I later found out that he had contributed a substantial amount of money to their home abroad and some renovations there. It felt a bit as though he had outlived his usefulness there, so she ditched him on us, poor chap. The story was that he was "dying" so how could we refuse? - when he arrived it was perfectly obvious that this was not the case at all. (He went on to live another 5-6 years).
Having him in our home was a nightmare - OH barely spoke to him etc. In the end it was I who had to just say to him that it was not working out and we needed to get him back to his home town. I expended a great deal of effort getting him suitable accommodation there and we moved him back.
When he died some years later, we arranged all the funeral etc. and SIL came over from abroad, arrived before we did, sifted through his house and took everything she wanted; then left us to clear everything else and deal with house sale etc. immediately the funeral ended.
One of the things I cleared out was FIL's laptop, from the contents of which I discovered correspondence with him from SIL relating to his will and suggesting he leave everything to the GC and bypass us (and to be fair also her) as we "have plenty of money." This is not the case as, due to serious illness, OH had to leave full time work at the age of 42, and this had a detrimental effect on his pension. But she neither asked us, nor told us what she had proposed to him. He died before changing his will in fact.
So.....there she is - not someone I know particularly well, but one who has dropped us in it a few times.
She now wishes to make contact with OH, her brother, as he has an incurable illness. Fair enough - I would not stand in her way, and could see she might want to mend fences. But.......she organised to come one weekend and said she would stay for one night and that I did not need to bother about making food as she would bring it all and make it. Fine. She arrived with a cake - just the one cake! - nothing else - and stayed two nights!
She then arranged another visit, which I had to cancel a few days before it was planned as we both had flu. Her reply to this was the most spiteful vitriolic email imaginable - about how typical it was of me trying to prevent her seeing her brother! - in whom she had shown zilch interest for decades! And how angry she was with me. I was gobsmacked! I replied very firmly indeed, telling her this was entirely inappropriate and unacceptable.
A few months later she wanted to come again and said that she and her partner would stay in a B&B and just pop in to see us both. Fine. She arrives complete with dog! - she knows how we feel about dogs in our home and garden but thought she could manipulate us into agreeing to have the dog in the house once she got here. I refused to budge- she then tried to manipulate my sick OH into agreeing - by this time I am seething! I had decided that I would be sweetness and light and just grin and bear the visit; but TBH I found I could not do this - not proud of that, but life is pretty stressful here and I could just do without it. So, I spent most of their visit busily doing the garden and left her to talk to her brother.
She now wants to come again - she rang when I was out, and said she was planning to ask my DD to put them up. Now, I know that my DD and family (they run their own business) are going to be crazily busy during the month she is coming and also that they too do not like dogs in the house. I had a word with DD and said she must say no if it is too much for them.
The time for the visit is drawing near and I have no doubt that I will hear soon she has rung DD to ask to say. I find myself absolutely dreading this visit and thinking of just making sure I am not around any more than I have to be to keep OH looked after. I spent my working life dealing with some of life's most damaged and difficult people and coped just fine. Why is this blessed woman my Waterloo? Why can I not rise above this?
Sorry for the long spiel - I feel better getting it off my chest - I cannot have these discussions with OH.
Oh dear, families!! I would suggest minimal contact, do not have her to stay, or her dog. Either tea and cake one afternoon, or tea and cake in a nearby cafe (not sure if your DH can get out). Try to ensure that DD does not get browbeaten into having her either. You owe her nothing, time to put yourself first. Don't let her make you feel guilty. You can do it!
allsortsofbags I'm not sure what your post was trying to convey but it was not helpful.
Luckygirl I can see how you are affected by this woman and I don't blame you one bit. However in the interests of family harmony let her visit but keep out of her way if you can, the visits are infrequent so grit your teeth. Have a word with your daughter so she does not feel obliged to offer hospitality. Good luck.
I would nothing that could be seen as trying to prevent your sil seeing her brother but I don’t think I’d do more than the absolute minimum to facilitate it. I don’t see a problem in making it clear that you don’t allow dogs in your home and I don’t think it unreasonable for your daughter to decline any request to put her up with a ‘there’s a good b&b just around the corner’ kind of response. From what you’ve said I think any unreasonableness is on the part of your sil. And I’d certainly do a disappearing act during her visit to your home.
I think its rather arrogant and inconsiderate to assume that one is welcome to stay in someone else’s home without an unprompted invitation.
I've just got a very uneasy feeling about this woman Luckygirl, after what you have told us about taking money off your Fil for extensions on her home and then pretty much, abandoning him by sticking him on a plane, leaving you to pick up the pieces. You also mentioned that she greedily emptied your Fil's house of things that she wanted before you got there and left you to dispose of the remainder.
Is there any way that you can think of that she would feel entitled to your Oh's money or property?
Does she think that she could be his next of kin?
You refer to him as Oh or partner, not Dh.
I don't mean to pry but if you are his partner, you will both need to make Wills to each other. In fact, best to do it even if you are his Dw.
I hope my uneasiness is unfounded but you can't be too careful.
I am sorry if I have offended anyone - especially Lucky I am very glad he has been a caring partner in the past and I am sad that he can no longer care the way he used to.
However, he has still agreed to see his sister - no problem with that - but Lucky has enough on and any visit needs to be on her terms. She's the one who'll be taking the strain.
I accept that he is very unwell by the sounds of it but if he can agree to see his sister he can agree that it's on Lucky's terms and may be no one thought to put it to him in terms of backing her choice as an act of caring and support.
As he was caring when able can he do this act of caring now. I hope so because his sister isn't about visiting if what's written is close to correct and I'm guessing is a mild version of what the family have been put through.
Good Luck anyway.
I would send her an email saying she is very welcome to visit making it clear that unfortunately neither you or your daughter can have her to stay and asking if she would like the contact details of local B&Bs or hotels. Don't give reasons why she cannot stay with either of you just state it as a fact
Thank you for all your comments and suggestions. OH and I discussed the situation and he recognises that is hard for me to make someone welcome when they have been so very unpleasant to me; he said he would feel the same if he had been on the receiving end of this. He also said that he is "neutral" about seeing her, and pretty well does not mind either way.
So - we jointly sent her a message to say that (1) My DD is very busy and under stress at present so it would not be wise to contact her to try and stay there; (2) Suggesting B&Bs; (3) making it absolutely clear that we are a dog free home and (4) explaining why it is hard for us to have anyone staying here because of OH's care needs and the need to preserve his dignity.
There was also chit-chat stuff about Christmas.
DD has been in touch to say she was dreading the call and trying to find a way not to do it, so she is happy with what we have done.
So......we wait and see. I suspect I will get it in the neck, judging by previous experience! It is all a bit of a shame. I am not prepared to play the No Contact game as they are siblings and, even though OH is indifferent to seeing her, we cannot ignore the fact that they are related. We can only do our best.
How different to my own siblings who call in when they can but recognise what is appropriate and what is not, and tailor their visits to the situation.
Luckygirl what an difficult position you are in. No wonder you need to let it all out on here, and that is what we are here for. You are such a warm hearted person thinking for everyone. Unlike your SIL. She is a totally selfish thoughtless woman. I have one very similar in my family so I understand how she could never see the situation from your point of view. Would it be possible for your DD to be at home when SIL visits. Perhaps you could arrange to 'have an appointment' at that time. If not definitely make your self scarce, in the garden, need to write a letter etc. I hope her visit is as short as possible.
You appear to have acted very sensibly and very considerately considering what you have put up with. I hope if she does visit it goes off well.
Well done Luckygirl for finding a middle way through this. TG I haven't had to face such a situation (yet), though eldest daughter had similar with relatives of ex's second wife.
I agree No Contact is never a solution.
Reply received: short sweet and to the point (not to say curt), but indicating that the message has been taken on board. No vitriol - hooray!
So the advice from some of you not to pussyfoot about but to be clear of our expectations was sound I think. So, thank you for that.
Good outcome, well done Luckygirl.
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