Help please, husband problems

Whilst I have sympathy I do find it difficult to understand why you’ve stayed married to someone for 37 years who is so different to you and appears to have a social life outside of yours. The pub. Coming home drunk and being loud and a bit abusive.

Although he hasn’t contributed quite as much as you to the home and that he has chosen to spend his spare cash doing something you don’t approve of; you will, most likely, still have to split your assets 50/50.

If this were the other way around and a man was divorcing a stay at home housewife who couldn’t contribute due to childcare, we would be howling in protest if he said he should get everything, as she contributed (financially) nothing.

One thing I would like to ask is, what does your daughter think of all of this? Does she love her Dad? How would she feel if you kick him out or divorce him?

If he is unbearable to live with, if your daughter realises he is a drunk, if you can face the unpleasantness after 37 years of a divorce and settlement; then I think you should, as wise GN’s have previously advised, get some legal advice.

If you feel you love him enough to stay if he calmed down a bit with his drinking; how about storming off to your daughter’s next time he comes in all loud and lairy. Stun him into realising you are absolutely serious.

A lot of people (not just men) go out once a week, get a bit merry, come home, fall into bed giggling. But if this is not your thing, but it is his, then I guess you have to decide if you want to start again and face all the upheaval. 37 years is a lot to throw away. Consider if there were any good times.

The only other thing I would mention is, try not to get caught up in a legal battle. You will lose. Both of you. Legal representation is costly. My father and my stepmother did this years ago. They ended up with virtually nothing, as, although my father was clearly in the wrong; my stepmother was so furious she fought every suggestion. It ended up going to court, involving barristers (££££) Their property was sold and they ended up with a couple of quid, as almost ALL of it went on legal fees that funded a 6 year battle.

Miss Adventure.....Agree....People often get in trouble for hiding assets that are stolen or otherwise ill begotten or to avoid paying taxes.

In Pudding's case the safest move would be to consult with a financial adviser to make sure her transactions are legal and in her best interest. In any case, there is nothing illegal about spending your own money on something you like.

This may sound very hard as we haven't heard your husband's view but I'd leave asap. The man is taking you for granted and contributing very little to your relationship. You could have 30 years left to live. You really need to start living it. Very best wishes for a happy resolution.

PS...I might add the man could be depressed. This situation really needs you both to have very deep discussion about what your expectations are. You are an autonomous woman so look at where you'd like to be in 5 years and take steps to get there.

I am grateful every day that I am single and have no-one disturbing my peace of mind and quiet happy life. I am sure there are some lovely husbands about but mine wasn't and no amount of money could get me to regret leaving. Agree you need legal advice but you may find you are financially better off without someone draining your resources, even if you have to pay him off!

I just want to wish you every success in your future choices. I survived my divorce and have never regretted it once. Life is different afterwards but very rewarding and peaceful. Get yourself some good legal advice, and go forwards with your life to a better future. You will be happier and more fulfilled. There isn't any challenge that comes up that you can't deal with and survive afterwards. I wish you every success and happiness in your new life.

As others have said get legal advice, but more importantly get yourself a life free from a drunken bully.

I stayed in a situation far too long due to worrying about `the house` `the savings` `the pension`.

It really is not as important as you think a peaceful happy life is invaluable.

Pudding, I am interested to know why you have stayed with this obnoxious man for so long.

Took me two years to get used to being retired. Everyone reacts differently. There can be a feeling of no longer being valued / needed; loss of status; reduced income. Do you love him? Only let him spend his own spending money, just like when he was at work.

Wow Pudding, am surprised you put up with him all these years, but that’s not going to help you now.

Like most have said, take proper legal advice from a good solicitor you can trust.

Sadly, you may have to choose keeping your hard earned money, home and so on or giving some of it away but ultimately having a better quality of life!

Personally speaking, I would rather have less material things but a life that I can live in the way I want to, but everyone is different. But don’t leave it too long or he will drag you down.

Sending loving thoughts to you xx

Make sure you have evidence in writing of all financial things you have input over the years ...as in Bank and Mortgage statements, your payslips tax paid, etc and anything you may have paid for as regards the marital home ....in fact anything that can prove your involvement financially ...first thing !Then make an appt with a good divorce lawyer to discuss your options as regards division of jointly owned property,etc......You can get a free initial appt through Citizens Advice (or you used to be able to !) you can also research online your legal entitlements in a divorce. Perhaps you mayhave a right to remain in the house and for him to have to move out .........but then I guess it would be financially onerous for you ........but do take legal advice ...forewarned is forearmed ! good luck

Good luck for tonight Pudding. Lots of good advice on here take control of your life you won't regret it.

Some excellent advice,but just a couple of thoughts have you made a will,if so change it,also as your daughter is an adult can you talk to her for comfort.You could easily live 20 plus years and need to be happy so make a very careful plan and follow it ---the very best of luck everyone is with you.

A quiet and peaceful life is priceless.
Good luck Pudding.

Good Luck Pudding. and a Happy and Hopeful New Year. It's going to be a painful process whatever you decide to do but following the hurt comes happiness of a different kind. Experience talking.!!!

The courts will take a very dim view if you try to put assets into someone else's name. I had lent my son £5000 a year before starting the divorce, I started the divorce after the ex walked out which took me by surprise but I had to account for why and how much the loan was for and obviously I wasn't attempting to hide anything as I was unaware at the time of what was to come. So please most people here are talking about their own experiences but unless their divorce was recently their info is out of date. Speak to a solicitor and get some proper advice, you'll have to go through mediation and that may resolve any issues it didn't for us but might for you. Get an accurate account of costs but £20,000 is not unrealistic unless you are very amicable. That's what mine cost and that was after I was given an estimate of £3,500. Do not try to hide anything it will just prolong everything and increase the costs.

Pudding123 seek proper advice from a solicitor if I were you. Don’t tell hubby you are or have sought advice. Then plan.

My divorce 6 years ago cost me £11 k in legal fees, as an example.

Dear Pudding123 I'm really sorry to hear about the situation you've found yourself in with your husband .
I wonder if he's suffering from depression as a result of his retirement? In which case he may have (even more) taken to drink. This seems to be a pretty common problem with some men when they retire ... I think work in itself tends to define who we are (so how exactly does your husband fit in now?) I'm offering this idea up because pretty well the exact thing has happened with our marriage. I too was the main earner btw. I reached breaking point many many times and it's only been very recently that he's come to his senses and has accepted that he's been a nightmare to live with. Can you speak together ... I mean honestly? I REALLY understand and feel for you

Good luck Pudding. Sorry to hear about this. It does sound as if you would be happier single and you have a right to enjoy the rest of your life. You are not coming back for a second go and it sounds as if the rest of the family will support your choice. If he contests it you may be in for an unavoidable legal battle ahead. If you are still on reasonable terms and able to talk about it perhaps you could negotiate the basis of a fair split between you, though you will both need legal advice, it is good to keep warring lawyers out of it as much as you can. It sounds as if your husband might not be the happiest of souls in the marriage either? Like you I was the major earner and owned the house in a long 30 year marriage and had more in savings. I thought 50/ 50 of my assets, including house, savings was not unfair, especially as I would be keeping the family home. For him to afford an equivalent house I would have needed to give a lot more than 50%, after all I was basically asking him to leave his own home (it might have been my house but our home was his home too), luckily he thought 50/50 was fair too. I had enough savings to buy his share of the family house and he got somewhere smaller and cheaper but that was 20 years ago before house values went crazy - depends where you live of course. If it was now I would have needed to sell the house and both of us to move and downsize or rent. We both had pensions and decided to keep those separate rather than haggle. When each of us went to a lawyer they each said they would get a better deal for us against the other party, e.g. different share of house/ more of pension etc. We compared notes and probably saved £1000s in legal bills fighting each other by sticking to what we thought was fair which meant he could afford to buy a home and we both got a quick divorce (tossed a coin for who was to divorce who) and now live off our own pension. Another couple I know agreed for low earning, low pension wife to have 100% of family sized house and husband 100% of a decent pension and to split savings and that is what they asked the lawyers to arrange though again his lawyer said he could get better deal for him and hers said pension was the bigger asset so trade off % of house for % of pension! Post divorce she sold the house and ended up buying a small house with a sizeable lump sum left over and he bought a small property too using his pension lump sum plus his savings and they are still on speaking terms and kids are too so best result. Not possible though unless both parties want an amicable divorce and agree. Most can't or have meagre assets which leave everyone worse off after a split. It is very expensive if contested. If you let the lawyers do all the negotiations, they do take their time over it, it can add to the aggro and it costs a lot of dosh.

you obviously want to part but you may not want to divorce - that is why you need to see a solicitor. There is no question he would get at least 50% in a divorce. Fairness has nothing to do with it.
My husband lied, had an affair and left me. I had to give him half the value of the house and half of all other assets, most of which comprised the money my parents left when they died. His were still alive. He was earning, I was too ill to work. The fact that he not I wanted a divorce and that he not I was an adulterer, that he but not I could earn was of no interest to anyone.
Do see a solicitor. Ask for the best and cheapest way to separate your finances and be rid of the responsibility for him. Don't assume that this would necessarily be a divorce

Agree re legal advice. To quote MN dont tell him at the moment and "get your ducks in a row".
Sounds like you may have to take a short term financial hit to be independent of him which will give you better financial security long term. He sounds like he is in a destructive downward spiral and could take you with him!

I wouldnt be so quick to suggest a split if I could read any hint of fondness in your post, but I dont. Sounds like he has been coasting on your coat tails for years.

Happiness is worth more than money. If you really can't stand it, then separate, you will survive. Life is there to be enjoyed nd it doesn't sound like you're enjoying it right now

Could you just seperate and sell house? You could then buy a flat as could he. It would be 5 years before he could divorce without your consent. Time to think and sort out finances.

You need advice, get this for free. Then if you need legal assistance get the best you can afford!
My sister’s husband COULD’VE taken his exes house from under her feet - despite their young children living there with their mum - her sloppy legal team left gaping holes in her claim. Having had to take legal assistance twice in past 2 years I urge you to not skimp on this front. Good luck!

You will be expected to go through mediation before you can divorce. This can be a good way to save money as you may be able to iron out a lot of financial issues this way.