Husband's adult son is a cuckoo in the nest

Am I right in thinking Rowan hasn't been back since the OP?

The title of the OP is interesting and I asked earlier how Rowan55 might deal with this if this was her own son.

hapgran has a point, too.
The situation and the reasons for it could be clearer if we had more facts.
Many of us may have had an adult 'child' come back to live at home whilst they are trying to get on to the first rung of the ladder - perhaps with debt from university, not getting a very well-paid job in the first instance or after the break-up of a relationship
Two of ours 'boomeranged' back - and I can't say either kept their rooms tidy. However, they were generally pleasant and kept themselves clean and rooms have doors which can be shut. Amazing that both have nice tidy homes now - they just needed a bit of time to sort themselves out, find good jobs and they were off again - they didn't want to stay with us and, much as we love them, we were happy to see them off.

Your DH needs to involve you, Rowan55 and must talk to you about what is happening; perhaps your step-son just needs a bit of help and motivation to see him on his way. Do you never talk to him either, or do you just complain about him? You all need to talk.

Rowan55 can I just ask did you have any experience of young boys and men before all this started? I would go into the room with a black bag, as a one off, and get it clean, its your home and if he doesn't like it he know what to do. Is he aware he smells? some young men aren't, ask him, or tell him to shower as light heartedly as possible! Next you must have a chat with your husband not a confrontation tell him you just want to know the decision and be part of the answer. Having said that I would think a little time away from the problem would be good, do you have a friend who needs you to visit.

janeainsworth
I would have found your post slightly more interesting if you had related your skills instead of denigrating my well intentioned and truthful observations.

As he is working, is he paying board? If not suggests he does and hire a cleaner to do the house but to home in on his room, washing ironing and cleaning.
Getting him to open a window every morning would help too. I'm afraid I'm not a fan of artificial air fresheners.

Sounds like husband feels guilty that son's parents are not together (ie him and ex wife) and is therefore over compensating.

While I agree with Bradford every child is different. I taught both my children the basic skills but my son can cook, iron, sew etc and my daughter cannot thread a needle!

Before doing anything drastic I would wait for a good moment and try in a non-aggressive way to discuss this with your partner again and see if there is a compromise.

Can you as a holding measure do a little bit if cleaning or tidying in his room eac h day? Maybe take away a few items of clothes to wash, or remove dirty dishes or empty the rubbish bin. I have 5 sons and some have at times had very messy rooms and I have done this. They don't seem to notice if the room isn't blitzed or at least don't seem to mind.

Our generation had it more easier with far more opportunities. In turn we heaped on our children all the things we never had, so much so that they expect more and more. Our retirement means that our children expect free child minding and our plans revolve around such responsibilities

Speak for yourself hotmt. And certainly please don’t include me in your wild generalisations.
Why do you suppose that everyone of our generation brought up their children as you did? Or that everyone’s grownup children expect their parents’ lives to revolve round them?

This is a difficult problem if your husband will not discuss the problems you have with his son.

Don't do anything in haste, you may find yourself without anywhere to live.
Since you have not got anywhere with the son you need to think about what you really want to do.

I know how I would deal with this situation but whatever anyone suggests it is your decision but don't make yourself worse off and think long and hard about the financial implications if you do leave.

GabriellaG54 Well said. Our parents had it hard.
Our generation had it more easier with far more opportunities.
In turn we heaped on our children all the things we never had, so much so that they expect more and more.
Our retirement means that our children expect free child minding and our plans revolve around such responsibilities.
Our retirement starts when grandchildren reach self sufficiency, by which time the only view that I expect to have is the roots of daisies.

I find on GN many posters can only see things from their own experience. No situation is the same. On one hand an adult who is twenty six and can’t be bothered to shower, keep their bedroom clean, do their share of housework and pull their weight to their ability financially while living with parents/step parents. It’s not the same as an adult living with parents/step parents who is pleasant to have around and does their share and is financially responsible and pays their share. It’s also not at all the same as a child having a difficult time living with step parents.

My advice would be move out Rowan55.. If it was an adult step child and it was their home before the poster came along my advice would be suck it up or don’t move in. If it was the child living with a difficult step parent my advice to the parent would be put your child first.

*BradfordLass72
*I couldn't agree more. Never a truer word was uttered.
I did the same with my children, boys *and *girls, as you did for yours.

It starts early.
Mothers, and it's usually mothers, who don't teach their children, male or female, to be independent and do everything for themselves from an early age, are reaping a whirlwind.
This OP is, sadly, reaping what someone else has sown.

It's too late to expect young people to change when they become adolescents.
My sons were taught, even as toddlers, to toddle into their rooms and put their clean t-shirts away (who cared if they were crumpled in the drawer) and they loved cooking and pushing the vac around.
Later they were taught all the relevant age-appropriate tasks. This was never 'helping Mummy' as I felt that made them think they were doing my work, when what they were actually doing was taking their share of what needed doing.

When my son went into the army, he was the only one in his battalion who knew how to iron his uniform.
When he was at home on leave, he shared a discussion he and his mates had in the barracks.
'If you make your sons helpless by refusing to teach them domestic skills, you emasculate them and they resent it, and you. It also makes them dependent rather than in charge of their lives, which most men hate. They take women for granted because they (the young men) have no idea what goes into making their lives easy.'

So it really does have to start when they are very young.
Independence take time to learn and for the OP's stepson, it's already far too late.

Why then, don't parents take responsibility for their own children instead of asking their parents to do the job they should be doing?

Does it mean that GPs should care for and support their ACs into adulthood and beyond as well as the ACs children. Where does it stop?
I thought that you nurtured children into adulthood and gave them the tools ie: education, love, morals, knowledge, social and personal skills, to cope with looking after and supporting themselves and life in general.
I don't see how that squares with AC looking to parents to, not only in many cases, care for them when things go wrong, but also to care for their children. When do the GPs ever get their own time, or are they always the backstop for their AC, GC and GGC until death? Who cares for the GP?

Well everyone was a child to begin with..
Adult relationships work on a give and take basis, and I question why people still need to treat their grown up 'children' as if they're toddlers.

I didn’t say the 26 year old was a child now, but all adults were children to begin with and didn’t ‘ask’ to be born, that was the parents decision initially and as such should, in my opinion, continue to support their ‘child’ until they are either dead or medically unable.

Well said paddy and I was brought up in a loveless home it's a step mum and it was difficult to say the least.my dads been dead 20 years and I still visit my step mum in a home. I viewed never to turn my back on any of my sons if I was fortunate to have any they are for life not just for childhood!

Gabrielle but it is her partners son ,should he turn his back ? I'd hate to think my husband would ever walk away from our children,though theres no chance of that happening.
Fathers have feelings too ,if the OP cant handle her OH's son she should have perhaps thought about that BEFORE having a relationship with his father.Regardless of age people sometimes need help .And no its not self abuse in my case as suggested up thread.
My children took a lot of time to get and I appreciate every day with them and with their children.When my son came home he was a shell of a young man and without support he may well not be here today .Thats support from us and from medical professionals .I dont understand why anyone would turn away from their own flesh and blood for a new partner .

Well said, Grammaretto, phoenix and aggie ...

she has put up with it for 2 years ! He has a job , but is still being treated like an adolescent by his Dad ,

The person in question is not a "child" but a grown adult!

Yes his mother did throw him out so he turned to his father, who happened to have a 2nd wife that obviously doesn’t care to have a step son. None of us know the background ie when the 1st marriage ended or if the father had proper contact with the child/ren etc. It does make me very cross however that subsequent partners appear to expect to come first in a man/woman’s life. They have a choice to proceed with that relationship or not. The child has no choice and then ends up being vilified for daring to have been born!!

Hang on there! Peep It was his birth mother who threw him out. This poor 2nd wife has put up with an intolerable situation for 2 years.

Why do women, and it is mainly women, marry a man with children and then expect to come first? Nobody asks to be born, it is the parents decision to have that lovely cute little baby, but much like puppies grow into dogs, human babies grow into adults. Still that lump of cells etc that made the baby, therefore still the parents child! A child is for life not just until you remarry. Women if you can’t stand the 1st children do not enter into a relationship with the father, or vice a versa (sp) for men. It’s little wonder the world is in such a state with so many step children being treated harshly by all and sundry step parents.