Absent grown up children.

I have to echo that the young are so busy,if modern life gets much faster it will implode.Ive stayed with them and at times they haven't got time to cook main meals, its no wonder the rise in stress related illnesses.

Hi namsnanny. I feel just the same. My son calls me regularly but I never get to see the family, they live two hours away, and are always too busy.

I don't think there would be anything wrong with letting your ACs know you would very much like to see more of them if possible - without blaming anybody - and see if something could be worked out between you. When my children were very young, I thought we were fortunate when my husband's work took him back within 50 miles of my newly retired parents instead of the three hundred the distance had been after our marriage. However, they seemed to be far too busy travelling the world and having fun - and I was rather hurt that they didn't seem to want to see us/the children any more than the 2/3 times a year they had seen us previously. I wish I had spoken up, like I was able to later in life when I felt I wasn't seeing enough of my only GC (also far away). You may be valued much more than you know.

My DM lives 300 miles away from me, my D & DGS. I ring her every 2/3 days, she rarely rings me.

I moved 4 years ago to be nearer DD as was widowed 6 years ago & at that time lived about 70 miles away, no good in an emergency.

When I moved here DD & I agreed a radius of 10 miles for my house hunting. I didn't want to intrude too much on their busy lives, DGS1 who is soon to turn 9 has lots of after School activities. DGS2 will be 2 in a few months, also DD as a disabled OH. We keep in touch by Facebook usually Message each other, rarely phone. I call in if I'm in her area & DD is at home. Sometimes I go over at the weekend, easier for me to drive over as DD is usually catching up on washing etc. In the Spring/Summer we often meet for coffee on a Sunday.

I have joined groups & made friends although I am some-times included in meals with DD's friends but don't expect to be. I'm still strong & independent & brought my DD up to be independent too, she left home at 21 to move fro Middlesex (Surrey) to Devon, through various moves we came from Yorkshire to Devon. I moved to be closer to DD as my DM is only relative left "oop north" & I wanted to be established near my DD before I become frail long time off I hope as I'm only 63 . I love where I live &have family & friends plus I'm near enough if DD has an emergency or me .

I have 2 sons. My youngest with wife and toddler son live 2 hours away. I was always closer to him than his elder brother as he was more like me and is older brother was more like their father. My eldest was everyone's 'favourite' which my youngest was well aware of so maybe I tried to even up the balance though they were both treated the same.
My eldest lives about half an hour away with his girlfriend and his children are an hour away with their mother. He has access alternate weekends and brings the children to me and my fiance as there isn't room for them at his girlfriends place for them.
I have given my all to both of them growing up they are now 28 and 26. The eldest always got so wrapped up in his relationships he forgot his family completely, which my youngest used to feel unfair, and said he would never do that. You know what is coming .... my youngest has done exactly the same. Don't get me wrong I don't expect them to be in constant contact but they both only contact me if they want something. I don't hear from my eldest at all he just turns up every other weekend with the children and sits on his phone ignoring them for most of it and doesn't even say thanks for having them stay. My fiance said it wouldn't hurt him to buy me flowers occasionally. My youngest cut ties with his father 3 years ago as he was making an effort and his dad none but now he's doing the same to me. Sorry for the long rant but I feel so rejected ?

We have four children, all different. Two live close and we see them at least once a week. One an hour's drive away, see them perhaps once every couple of months, but DS does ring once a fortnight or so. Last child has moved to Spain and doesn't answer emails or texts except very occasionally. We haven't fallen out at all, just he sees no reason to include us in his life. Their two children occasionally text and say they miss us, but now the eldest has her own phone, she doesn't often reply to texts. DS does not believe in the safety of video calls, and since he has ignored all requests for an address, we don't even know where they are. It is hard, gets to you, but you have to keep going with other activities, and we are blessed with seeing the other three.

I very rarely post because I am always in awe of the very wise grans' advise and never seem to be able to add anything further. But this kind of problem is always going to hurt any parent when it becomes aparent that our grownup children don't have a lot of spare time for us. I can always sympathise. I heard a saying once which may help: "The best thing you can give your children is your own independence".

The way I look at it is as long as I know they're ok they can visit/ keep in touch whenever they like. I have 3 daughters and several grandchildren. My eldest lives about a mile away, I see her once a fortnight or so, but if either of us needs anything we can always get in touch. Middle daughter lives over 130 miles away, I get an occasional phone call from her usually on the way to or from taking her children to school. The youngest who lives 40 miles away rings me nearly every day. I know if I need anything any one of them will be there for me or me for them. I would never put any pressure on my children to visit or keep in touch. As I was an only child, the demands my mum put on me were too much and I vowed never to do it to my children.

That’s an excellent idea Granyactivist-a meet up place without ties. May try that one!

What exactly do these AC do which keeps them so busy all the time?
That's all I hear/read about nowadays.
Takes 30 mins max to prep next days decent evening meal plus pudding. Put plates and cutlery out on countertop so all ready for next day. Timer on cooker OR put it in oven when you get in >> shower >> listen to kids day at school >> put washing machine on >> pour a drink and relax.
If beds not made, fold duvets back to let them air, straighten bottom sheet and puff up pillows. Children can and should do their own.
Children lay table. All that doesn't take even 90 mins.
Adults are, more often than not, on their mobiles even when they get home. They should be OFF to enjoy family time.

Luckylegs9
Children should always rem their parents bcause no matter what that's your family .nobody no matter what friends care as much as parents.loneliness is now rife even young people.i hope u are able enuf to volunteer.you will have company and something constructive.keep sending well wishes to your family.
U never know.!

My child left home for Uni and has lived and worked all over the world- The best is we skype or wapp quite frequently so that keeps us connected - Maybe try that?

Not in our famalam, my dd rings me every night when she comes home from work, and we often go out together, she has no children, but she has a great relationship with her niece our gd.

After reading all the posts I feel so lucky that my relationship with my son is easy going and close without being on top of one and another. I think the reason is that I was a single parent with a disabled daughter for many years and my son helped a great deal with the caring without being asked which he still continues to do despite having 5 children and a busy job.

My DD ,SIL ,DGS (10):andDGD (5):live near me,but I certainly don’t get to see them very often. My DD and SIL are both nurses and have to work long shifts ,day or night, and my DD is also on call sometimes. My SIL has worked the last two weekends -in A andE! and my DD was on call all day yesterday. Any time they actually get as a family is very precious to them and I don’ t feature in that time.. I understand that,but so wish I could see my Grandchildren more often. School and work take up most of their time. I live on my own as I was widowed 10 years ago. I have several good friends but weekends are long and empty ,usually. It’s a common situation I know. Our ‘children’ mainly lead busy lives juggling work,school and childcare and sadly many Grandparents now have to take a back seat. Not easy at all ,but reckon we have to accept it.
Those who often see their families are very lucky.

and for once, just once I agree with you GG. It doesn't take much time to give a call.

I envy those who have close relationships with their children. I'm not saying my children ignore me, but I wish they would ring more often. My sons , since their marriage never ring for a "chat". I miss that. My daughter only rings when she wants to complain about her ex husband or her ex in laws or if she needs something. I am on my own. She is going to New York with her kids. I was expecting her to ask me to join them, but no offer yet ?. I popped over to see my older son (pouty, always serious) and his little family. The little ones love to see me. Son and d.i.l. not so much. But at least I am not cut off totally. I have to be grateful for that.

The answer is to be equally busy yourself! Than they aren't under pressure and when you do get together you'll both enjoy it more.

Crazy I have a pouty serious son too ! If we haven't seen them for a weeks I often think I shouldn't always think it's onesided and expect them to come and see us all the time, so bite the bullet and ask if we can call in, only very occasionally, maybe twice last year, as it's always feels awkward, and we are stuck what to talk about, which I think as some one up thread said, we don't see enough of each other to keep a good relationship going. Don't know the answer unfortunately it is what it is.

I used to see nearby daughter a lot when the grandchildren were younger as I babysat, collected them from school once or twice a week, and had them for weekends so DD and her H could go away with friends any time. Now the G are older DD doesn't need me so we hardly see her. She spends most of her time with friends of which she has numerous groups. The other DD lives 350 miles away but rings more often and tells me all about her work and family. I feel much closer to her than the one who lives nearby.

Someone referred to people living on the same street as their parents as being how it used to be, but when I was young everyone immigrated and phonecalls were way too expensive for keeping in touch, except when there was an emergency.

Katy, Lucky, glad I'm not the only one. I see what you mean, "stuck what to talk about".
Went there this morning (pre-arranged ofcourse) . I'm so glad that the little 4 year old was there to break the awkward silences. Daughter-in-law who is normally very chatty in social situations, seems to be tongue tied in my presence. It's hard work, but to keep seeing the grandkids, got to put with it.

Yes keep it up crazy, it's so worth it.I've got the same dil too ! My DGS is a teenager, so inbetween trying to keep a conversation going between them and a teenager too its very difficult as you can imagine.Good luck .

Why is the dil tongue tied with you though? We have 4 adult kids. 3 lads, 2 married and a dd. All live local and from day 1 we bent over backwards to welcome serious partners into the family.

Not always easy as one dil is a tad unstable but we are always there for her as much as possible and will always babysit etc.

My parents are in their 80s and need lots of help and much as I love them it’s sometimes a chore.

Not really Getting this generation of being so busy really. It’s a myth. Everyone was busy for generations with kids. We just spent less time on ourselves and social media. It’s a cop out.

I must be honest here...
My dad died when I was 17 and older brother already married and in own home. Little brother (5yrs old). I left asap to be student nurse (living in) and poor mum was left alone to find a job which fitted in with caring for a 5 yr old. Luckily, she became a bursar at the same infant/ junior school thanks to her background (pre marriage) at ICI.
To my shame, I hardly ever rang home although we had 2 phones on the landing of the nurses floor, yet during the first year, I still went home on days off but spent most of that time sleeping and clubbing.
The second year, when we could live out and I shared a flat with two others. The days and nights blurred brtween work, our social life and sleeping and I hardly ever went home...or phoned, although we did have a phone in the house.
Thinking about it through the years that have passed, I am much much more aware of how mum must have felt. I only wish I'd had that awareness at the time...when it mattered.
I wasn't a selfish girl, just unthinking and I mentally thank her, often, for a wonderful childhood and for giving us our freedom without recriminations.
That is why I don't wonder why or feel put put if I don't hear from any of my AC for a week or two...or more.
It would indeed be hypocritical.