I've been banned from my stepson's wedding.....

Absolutely agree with Solonge. This is all about a hurt child who has carried the hurt into adulthood. It’s probably not even about you but the perceived rejection from his father who told him you came first . You however can offer an olive branch and show that you understand and care for your step son . Maybe this can be a positive pivotal moment . Don’t worry about the wedding . Do your own thing but try to put it right afterwards .

Won’t it be awkward all round when people ask your DH and SS why you’re not at the wedding? I think your DH should stand up for you and not meekly say he’ll go to the wedding without you. My DH certainly wouldn’t go to his DS’s wedding without me as he thinks of my feelings.

When my SD married over 20 years ago a good friend said 'Don't go, stay at home and enjoy your day' I so wished I had! I was seated at the back of the church. Everyone had arranged lifts to the reception after the church service, but I wasn't included, my husband had to quickly find me a lift,
My husband was seated at top table but I was seated at the very back of the hall with people I didn't know, until my husband changed the seating. I even had to line up to shake hands with my own husband when the wedding party were greeting their guests. Fortunately in the evening my husband had had enough and the tables were rearranged. It was, and of course I now see was meant to be, acutely embarrassing for me.(altho this even though my SD's mother had remarried and with two other daughters from the second marriage and was now in her third marriage) )
All I can say is If you've been uninvited then stay that way and go out for the day, just shrug your shoulders, don't say any harsh words and never mention it again.
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I can't understand why you needed to point out what you considered a mistake probably was the last straw

You are where you are....no point worrying about what might have caused the disinvite. If I were you I would settle down to write a really important letter. Send your husband off to his sons wedding with your love, have a lovely day of your choice, then write to your stepson....think of anything that could have made him feel as he does. When you got together you have no idea what his mum told him about the marriage or you. Speak from the heart about how you feel for that little boy who couldn’t feel at home with this new family. Tell him how you feel, how, if you love him, you maybe didn’t convey it well enough. You are the ‘adult’ here...at least for a part of this story, he was the child. Wish him well in the future with his lovely new wife...be generous in your good wishes and state that if he ever feels able to speak to you about this in the future, you would love to build bridges. He sounds to me like a boy who had his heart broken. Send this, together with a special card for their new marriage, and post so they get it on their return from honeymoon. For my point of view...I have 3 adult kids in their late thirties with their own children. I adore my husband of 40 plus years.....but my children, they will always come first. As someone once said, your children are your blood, they are part of you, your partner was a stranger you married.

Definitely look on the bright side. We cannot love every one and every one cannot love us. Smile and wish the happy couple health, wealth and happiness in their future life together. Then spend the money you would have had to fork out on a daft hat and frock you wouldn't wear again, on something which will give you smiles for miles.

Dear Pheonixbth. So sorry to hear about your problem. Weddings and gatherings can cause such distress.
This may amuse you and make you feel a bit better.
Several years ago we were disinvited to a wedding of a friends daughter because the parents considered that the present that we had sent and chosen carefully was not large enough for the number of years that they had known us. Well as you can imagine we were flabbergasted and angry.
I did get my own back by writing to the editor of Letters to The Times and had it printed. We of course decided to call a day to that friendship. Hope that you are feeling a bit better.

This "uninviting" thing must be a new phenomena! In the past, if you didn't want someone at an event, you just didn't invite them- or if you had to invite them, there are always ways to spend as little time as possible with them or at least avoid them! This happened a few years ago to my godson, when his wife was uninvited to his sisters wedding after a huge row at the hen party and now my godson has nothing to do with either his sister and BiL or even his parents, which is very sad. I don't think that things will change between you and your step son. I'd just let your husband go to the wedding and arrange a day out with friends as far away as possible!
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Seems careless not to put your surnames on the invite, but I wouldn’t have cared about it that much. He didn’t put your DH’s on either after all.
It’s a shame there is so much bad feeling in your family.
You’ve had good times with your own family but not your DH’s. Does that sadden him I wonder and if your stepson has felt the lack of good times with his side of the family.
I wonder how your DH feels about going to the wedding on his own. Can he try to mend things between you and your stepson? However you don’t want to go to the wedding anyway, so perhaps your DH could talk to your stepson about how he feels about it on his own account.
I hope it gets sorted out so you are all satisfied with the outcome, and that it’s not too late to restore some harmony.

You say your mistake (and it was a mistake) was the ‘straw the broke the camel’s back? Well that implies you have been adding little loaded straws over the years.

Add the fact that you don’t want to go to the wedding and are indeed ‘relieved’ speaks volumes.

All this says quite a bit about your relationship with your stepson and perhaps you ought to examine your own behaviour before casting around to shift blame?

If your husbands ex wife has been diagnosed with autism then does that also possibly apply to other family members including their children? If so then that might explain the generally difficult relationships.
The OP has accepted she would have been better not mentioning the addressing; she doesn't ned endlesslly reminding of her mistake.

I would apologise but after the wedding.

If you have to walk on eggshells around him then it is not surprising that you have said something he found cause to be upset about.

I'd stick to hello, goodbye and yes and no next time you have to be in his company but I would avoid having to be in his company as much as is possible. People looking for fault will always find it.

Send DH off to see him alone after the wedding and relax doing your own thing.

Oh dear, you seem to have needlessly dug yourself into a hole. Personally, I would apologise maybe not prior to the wedding but after as it may be taken that your only apologising to get your invite back. As for your husband telling him that you will always come first must be quite hurtful even if you do. If you feel relief at not going I really would give it no more thought. Incidentally, lots of people put christian names on envelopes leaving surname off.

My husband has told him that he is his son but I am his wife and will always come first

If my dad remarried and said this to me or my sibling I would be quite hurt. Yes your stepson made it into an issue but he has probably been quite affected by the divorce, and wanted reassurance that as your husbands child he was a priority. Being told he was second to his dads new wife was probably quite hurtful.

I would expect your husband to say something along the lines of you and his son being equal, not that you came first.

Try looking at this from a different angle how would you feel if you found out someone was saying the things about you you have said about this man's mother? And how would your son feel towards the person calling you such things? You weren't involved in the divorce so you can't possibly know what went on. The criticism of the invitation was the last straw but the ill feeling goes back a long way and you have some responsibility for that. Even if she is the worse person in the world she is your step-son's mother and you shouldn't be so critical. He must be very aware of how you feel.

Sorry but I think it was rather crass to make any comment about the lack of a surname on the invitation. What on earth was the point? Instead of just welcoming the invitation you found fault with it.

You say you won’t stop your husband going, if you told him not to go to his son’s wedding I assume you mean he wouldn’t go?

Perhaps I didn't need to mention about the lack of surname but I did and I thought I said it in a way that someone would've taken it as constructive and not a put down.
Oh dear, 'constructive criticism'
That is very dodgy ground to tread over something that is so inconsequential.

Can you apologise?

My son and daughter had a silly fallout and he 'uninvited' her to his baby's christening. She was desperately sad, though I must say she's no angel. I'm sure my son had good reason to uninvite her. I did not ask what was said. It was hard for me and for her children (10 and 11), though they didn't show it and had a good time at the christening. There's always some drama in my family.
Back to yours Phoenix. I don't think you should have mentioned the way the envelopes were addressed. Gosh, how petty of you. But reading between the lines, I think you are glad you are being "uninvited" .......
Btw the relationship between my son and daughter, is ok now....

Phoenixbfh what I can relate to in your post was your feelings of relief and no longer having to tread on eggshells in a social situation. I have given myself permission to opt out of these situations as I’m too old to put up with crap.

So hard successfully blending families. Split loyalties, confused teen emotions dragging into adulthood etc.
Sounds as if you are saying that you were invited to the nuptials but when you criticised the way they chose to address the invitation envelope the invitation to you was withdrawn. Why did you say anything? What did it matter?
You said relationships are strained so why pick holes unnecessarily. Perhaps you did it hoping to be uninvited? Let your DH go happily to his child's wedding and enjoy the celebration. Book yourself a day at a spa or go stay over with an old friend so nobody at the wedding has to worry about you. It is your stepson's special day. You and he are accidental acquaintances.

I wouldn't worry about the names either. I did go to my stepsons wedding and sincerely wish I had not - not sure if that helps or not.

Well - I would just let OH go to it and arrange a nice peaceful day for yourself.

TBH I would neither have said anything about the absence of surname, nor minded in the slightest.

Look on the bright side - you can have a quiet day and you do not have to tread on eggshells all day

Maybe I'm just old fashioned?? I have never, ever heard of surnames being omitted. Even for family. Ok _ I've learnt something new too.

Thanks, All. It always good to be able to bat these things around to gain a sense of perspective.
I'm not usually making odd comments. In fact, I have walked on eggshells for years and often don't add anything to a conversation as I know that it will be taken out of context. Perhaps I didn't need to mention about the lack of surname but I did and I thought I said it in a way that someone would've taken it as constructive and not a put down. My stepson's mother remarried years ago, long before I met his dad so I don't share a surname with her.
It's always been difficult and my husband's mother talked of "blood family" very early on in our marriage which hurt my kids no end. My stepson even said to my husband, " I'll understand if you choose X over me!" My husband has told him that he is his son but I am his wife and will always come first. I don't even know why he thinks his dad needs to make a choice. It would seem that he has quite low self esteem and when we all lived together as a "family" he made it very clear that he didn't want to be part of it and saved up for his own property so that he could move out. I feel for all the kids. Divorce is tough and they have all been touched by it. Maybe one day he will realise that it was never a competition and we can build some bridges. I do feel that we are dealing with deeper and more complex scars than me marrying his dad but, again, i don't think I'll say that. Thank you for listening when I needed to splurge!