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A bit envious

(37 Posts)
Dawn22 Sun 03-Feb-19 14:53:04

Hi Ladies l would be glad for some advice from anyone who may have had some experience of this. My husband has recently joined a male church choir and l am glad as l should be for him. However to my surprise the green eyed monster has appeared and l feel envious of him to the point that l don't feel happy or comfortable going to the weekly church performance.
I totally love music but l get very anxious in a crowd and as well as that there is nothing for me to join around here.
Any advice on handling the emotions around not wanting to go to the performances due to the envy.
A strange one.

Luckygirl Sun 03-Feb-19 15:08:58

Join a community choir!

anxiousgran Sun 03-Feb-19 15:22:54

I absolutely understand! I went through a period of feeling vert jealous of my DH’s many hobbies which took him out of the house and meant he saw much more of his friends than I did mine. Plus he has more of his own friends than I do. It used to cause a bit of friction.
I’ve had to make a real effort to make myself go out too, as I also don’t like crowds.
I have hit on some voluntary work which I love and made really good friends there. Have also joined WI and 2 book groups. There’s U3A as well near me..
I don’t know how much time you’ve got, whether you’re still working or not.
Luckygirl’s right, singing is really good for you in itself
as well as being fun and sociable.
Most community choirs don’t ask for you to have an audition or to be able to read music.
Good luck.

MargaretX Sun 03-Feb-19 15:33:08

Don't be envious of the choir. Church choirs can be very boring with a lot of practising over and over again and then other members missing practices.

Enjoy your night at home without him. Watch something he doesn't like or do a course online.
Envy passes with time, wait and see.

sodapop Sun 03-Feb-19 16:26:39

I agree with MargaretX do something nice for yourself whilst your husband is singing and enjoy the peace. There have been several threads recently about husbands not doing anything in retirement seems we are never satisfied.

jenpax Mon 04-Feb-19 08:26:29

Odd that the church only has a male only choir, why don’t you see if there are a group of like minded ladies in the church and start up a small singing group of your own?

BlueBelle Mon 04-Feb-19 08:43:19

It’s funny what can make us envious even when we are happy for the people involved
Do you feel a bit left out Are you used to doing everything together as a couple? Is it because you say you are anxious in a group so you haven’t got your husband at your side when the choir perform or do you just feel envious that he’s found something other than you that makes him happy To be honest the solution is the same for all the reasons find something outside your husbands company to do for yourself Is there anything outside the church that you can join, do you have friends outside your marriage ?
I think you need to enlarge your interests, your friends, and your life and these feelings will disappear

PECS Mon 04-Feb-19 08:55:20

I support the view that on choir nights you have clear plans for what you will do..that you might not if DH was home. See if you can find another choir " widow" to pal up with for concerts... maybe meet up, for a bite to eat or a coffee, before going to listen to the music.

Humbertbear Mon 04-Feb-19 09:30:21

My husband has made a new croup of friends through attending group counselling. He’s never had friends of his own and I find it odd that he goes for long walks with them. Although it feels strange, I am also pleased for him and relish the time that I have in the house on my own. Make the most of the opportunity to have a long bath, chat on the phone or binge watch your favourite series. Alternatively, start a book group that meets on the evening that he is out.

SalsaQueen Mon 04-Feb-19 10:03:56

Couldn't you get a hobby yourself? Painting/pottery/photography/dancing...there must be something you'd enjoy.

grannyqueenie Mon 04-Feb-19 10:21:28

I can identify with this Dawn. We moved to a different part of the country when my husband took early retirement. He was almost immediately welcomed with open arms to volunteer with a local charity (somewhat ironically the very one I’d had my eye on in case work didn’t materialise!) and also took up some responsibility in the local church. Meanwhile I failed to get any of the jobs I applied for and when I investigated volunteering opportunities for me no one seemed to want my skills! I’d studied for my professional qualification as a very mature student and was sure I still had something to offer, somewhere - in fact at at point anywhere would have done!
I was very torn, on the one hand very glad he was finding fulfilling things to do but selfishly wanting to scream “what about ME” It was a very low point in my life, I was jealous and not proud of it either. But fast forward 10 years, I’m involved in some very satisfying volunteering and have a good group of women friends too. It all took effort and a lot of initiating on my part for this to happen but it was worth it. I’m not a natural “ joiner in” and had to push myself to get going. Maybe if you’re able to make friends and find your own place in the community these jealous feelings will fade. Then you might be able to be happy for your husband and enjoy the music he makes too.

BlueBelle Mon 04-Feb-19 10:27:03

Original poster doesn’t say she has moved to a new area though so hopefully already has a community set up that she will need to use more now

luluaugust Mon 04-Feb-19 10:30:53

As it's an all male choir presumably there are other wives on their own, could you try to get chatting with some of them? I think if there is very little going on around you maybe by speaking to them you can ask if they know of anything, or what they do. Also have a Google around for your area sometimes groups for things like art or knitting, or a history etc. can be a bit hidden.

luluaugust Mon 04-Feb-19 10:32:35

Sorry posted too soon, re the envy you are only human, it will all settle when you find your own things to do.

dawn8454 Mon 04-Feb-19 11:02:41

Look for your nearest Rock Choir
I've been going to 2 years, it's great. You don't need to be able to read music or sing well, no audition, just turn up. Very friendly groups. We sing songs that you'll probably know already, and there are performances that you can take part in if you want to. Get in there!!

Orelse Mon 04-Feb-19 11:34:56

Join " Rock Choir" it will be different from hubbys music , they are all over the country (26,000 members) it is fun and will take you out of yourself . Music is contemporary, rock, gospel , and you also raise money for charity by giving performances - local theatres, Christmas lights , fun runs ( to encourage the runners ) you don't have to be perfect but be willing to perform
It's great ( hubby may want to join YOU !

Lily65 Mon 04-Feb-19 11:37:19

Dawn 22, is he a bit of a hottie?

Growing0ldDisgracefully Mon 04-Feb-19 12:16:22

I'd echo joining Rock Choir - my nephew is a Rock Choir leader and I have friends and relatives in his groups, who thorough enjoy it. (Not for me though- I really can't simg!).

Grandma70s Mon 04-Feb-19 12:43:28

I’m curious about this ‘male church choir’.that is pretty unusual outside cathedrals. Does it have male altos, and boys singing the treble line, or is it just a tenor/bass male voice choir that sings in a church? The use of the word ‘performance’ puzzles me, too. Surely if it is a church choir it sings at services most of the time, not concerts.

sarahellenwhitney Mon 04-Feb-19 13:03:21

Dawn 22
Both DH and self on retirement had separate interests.DH was greatly involved in charity work. I enrolled in the local college taking a course on the history of the county we had moved to.I did however enjoy DH club 'dinners'.
I cannot understand your 'feelings' concerning H involvement in a choir. What would you rather he do?
Consider ridding yourself of these 'feelings of envy' as well as overcoming your anxiety in crowds.Visit your GP who will advise where you can obtain the help you need to enjoy life not hiding away from it.

4allweknow Mon 04-Feb-19 14:00:29

A community choir would welcome you with open arms. No auditions, if you don't know what you are eg soprano, you just try the different sections until you feel comfortable. Do give it a try, sure you will enjoy.

PECS Mon 04-Feb-19 14:47:23

I assume you are both members of the church? There are usually Wives Groups etc linked to churches... I have not been to anything like that but see their activities advertised. Or maybe a lively WI group would offer opportunities for you to explore?
Are you jealous/annoyed that he found something that specifically excluded you?

LuckyFour Mon 04-Feb-19 14:54:19

I don't know where you live but most areas have a National Trust property within driving distance. Get yourself down there and offer yourself as a volunteer one day a week. They are always in need. You will learn something new, find out about an old/interesting building and family, and make lots of new friends especially if you stick to the same day every week. It's not arduous, but it is fascinating, and everyone you meet is interested in the same thing so you can't go wrong. They also have regular social events. What's not to like - give it a try, nothing to lose.

Bijou Mon 04-Feb-19 15:43:38

It is good for husbands and wives to have different interests. My husband had his golf, badminton and squash. I had my WI., country dancing etc.

Tangerine Mon 04-Feb-19 15:50:46

Try joining a Book Group perhaps?