Ending 20 year marriage

I'm still in the same marriage of 40 years. It really doesn't work for everybody, some say I'm lucky others wonder how on earth I've done it.

Petal, your first post is a tough one for you but I say - Go for it, you only have one life. You have MANY, MANY more years left, make them happy ones, please.

As others have said you will need to work out your financial position, but just bite the bullet and start that difficult conversation sooner rather than later.

Then live that dream!

Very best wishes

Hi Petal49!
To cut a long story short after years of arguing we split up after 25 years, tried again and split up again. Husband took it badly. It was so sad. But I knew in my heart I didn't want the marriage. The children said we should have done it years ago- it would have been better for them. There's no way to avoid hurting your husband. And only he is responsible for how he reacts, provided you are kind in how you do it, but firm.
It will be better for both of you in the long run. He will come to realise that, because although he's clinging on, he can't be happy. But he won't move on and make a new life the way things are.
I had to move to a small house compared to the lovely one we had but I was so happy (I was 47). Luckily I worked fulltime and was able to do a p/t job to pay mortgage. (civil service pay didn't cover small mortgage!) Money was tight but you cope and adjust. I joined a social group who usually did things that didn't cost much, made a new life and have had so adventures and done so much and realised how restricted and dull life had been before.. Met lovely man and now married. We still do things alone with separate friends as well as together. Much healthier.

Go for it..feel the fear and do it anyway. Life is too short for both of you to live like this.

I left a 40 year marriage when I realised I just could not stand being in it anymore. My children were adults and were so supportive they thought I should have done it years before. He was controlling ( yiu don’t realise how much until you leave) When he became violent I decided that was it. It was very difficult he fought me financially and emotionally in court but finally got a settlement. I also had him convicted of assault in a separate court( he didn’t think I would do that) Fast forward and I live near my daughters in my own flat in another area. I work part time, volunteer , have made new friends and do exactly what I like. It’s wonderful! 5 years on I’m very happy. Only regret is I didn’t do it sooner . Get good legal advice and leave

Yes go for it Petal I did it after 25 years, living alone was preferable to being in an unhappy relationship. If you can get your finances in order that helps. I found a little house to rent and sorted the divorce before buying a property. I worked with my ex who was technically my boss so it was doubly difficult. I have never regretted it although truthfully there were times when it was hard. Ten years down the line I met my husband and we are really happy.
Take that first step then the next one - good luck

I did it 18 years ago! It was the hardest decision I ever made but I have not looked back. I had to move in with my mum, leaving the marital home and so called stability. My children understood after a while as they knew how unhappy I was. My husband was an alcoholic and the last 5 years of that marriage was very unhappy. I was 48 at the time. I subsequently met another man and we have been married for 17 years soon. He has 4 children and I have 2, all of them have been very accepting of our marriage and we have a great life together. I do not regret making that choice and it actually made me a stronger person by taking things into my own hands. Life is too short to live in an unhappy relationship. Good luck.

Wish I could wish I could he he !

Now is totally the right time to take that step. It sounds like you have no kids at home, just you and the dogs. And you're still under 50! It doesn't matter whose fault it is (if anyone's even at fault at all) but the fact is you're not interested in having a relationship with him, and whether or not it's mutual, you have the right to move on. We all have that right. Don't leave it till you're any older because obviously it's better to make changes while you are still young and resilient enough to deal with the upheaval. Also it's probably fairer on the DH to get it over with so he can move on too. Good luck!

I’m in same position. But 57 last week and 27 years married

I know it's scary just thinking about putting yourself out there in the world all alone again, but you can do it! I promise! I've did it six months ago and although the first few weeks had me wanting to run back home to my 'safe place' again, I stood firm and now I'm glad I'm did. It's not all a bed of roses, but the sense of personal freedom you will gain is worth the pain, so go for it!

P.S. I was seventy at the time - and now I'm 71!

Please just leave. Take it from someone who didn’t.....how I wish I had. As you get older, I am now 69 and ill, it gets harder and harder to leave but more and more unpleasant to stay.

When you have no children at home, no job, find it more difficult to do the things you used to, your marriage becomes a prison, and so get out whilst you still have some life left to enjoy.

Not leaving my husband for various reasons ruined my whole life and I have no one else to blame but myself.

However difficult it is please leave.....you won’t regret it.

A good friend of mine split with her husband of 30+ years 2 years ago - he moved out into a rental house, they divided their money, filed for a legal separation and were about to go down the divorce route. Suddenly, he moved back in, and she told me that they had worked out their differences. However, she has only now told me that he has been diagnosed with the early stages of dementia and has no-one else to look after him. So, she is now going to be his carer for however many years it takes (she says she feels totally "trapped"). Another friend was always scared to leave her marriage but now has a chronic illness and can't (and bitterly regrets not leaving earlier as her husband is not looking after her very well). In your position, I would seek individual counselling to talk through your options. If you decide to go ahead with the split, then the counsellor can work with you re the best way to talk to your husband about it (and, hopefully, to put things in place first re protecting your interesting in the future). Don't delay - one way or the other; you never know what's around the corner (and don't underestimate the toll this unhappiness will be taking on your health).

I had been in an abusive marriage from day one...hard to believe, but I thought things would improve. It was only the prospect of leaving that kept me going. I tried to study so that I could have a career but I have the same problem as Anniebach, so was forced to give up. I waited until I was 60, then went to Womens Aid. I now have my own little flat, the state pension and I've never felt so content.

I understand. I was 49 (a few months of 50) when I ended my 29 year marriage for the same sort of reasons. I also dreaded telling my then husband. When I did so, I was crying, he was ‘fine’!

Once it had sunk in though, he reacted badly, initially trying (not very hard) to make me reconsider, then becoming verbally aggressive, threatening suicide and telephoning our adult children, telling them I was being a bitch, ripping him off and leaving him with very little. This was not even slightly true. Since I earned more than him, he walked away with more than me and I was trying to be as kind as possible! The process of the divorce, separating the house and finances was also a nightmare.

I am now 11 years on, and it’s been absolutely worth every difficult moment! I am happily married to my soul mate. We have a lovely life together. I’d say, be ready for the dramas and the stress of the practical side, and hold on to the knowledge that this is the right thing and it will be worth it!

Good luck!

Sorry, that should have read "protecting your interests in the future". That includes, of course, getting legal advice. Personally, I would do all this before telling him - unlike my cousin who tipped off her husband too early, allowing him to hide lots of his money from the divorce lawyers!

All I would say, is that if you are sure in your own mind that you want to part company, don’t just stay because it’s the easier option. Get as much advice, and as much planning done as possible in advance of telling your husband, so you don’t spend any longer with him than you have to, once he knows you are going. I wish you luck with your plans.

The counselling you had didn't really work did it. You ended up staying reluctantly. If it had worked, you would've been back in the same bed. Not that being with someone is all about a sex life, but you were still young. As you get older it's more about being with your best friend for many. You didn't explain fully 'how' your husband 'didn't take it well'. I hope he didn't bully you into submission.

If you feel sorry for him, not afraid of him, I would sit him down and explain you've tried but you cannot continue. Let him absorb the news, then sit down again later to decide how to divide up your assets etc. Best not to do it at the same time as he may be angry and spiteful and not open to a sensible discussion.

Just be sure it's really what you want and not a mid life crisis where you are questioning your life and thinking it will be exciting out there. When you said you love the idea of being by yourself in a flat with your dogs, I thought that if you would rather be alone than with him, then it does sound as though you no longer love or like him and would rather be by yourself than under the same roof. So it does seem it's not a mid life crisis but do be sure before you act. You could meet someone else with bigger faults. Or you could be lonely by yourself if you don't plan to meet anyone else. Grass is greener and all that. Just be sure. Then if you are, act.

Peta I was unhappy in my marriage but believed I had made the commitment so I had to soldier on and make the best of it. I would probably have carried on in this unhappy state too except I found out my husband had been having an affair. This instead of making me sad made me feel relief. Relief because now i had a justified reason for ending my marriage.It was hard because we had three children together, a home and a business we both worked in together although me part-time. It was difficult going through the divorce but mostly because my husband suddenly decided he wanted to remain married to me, stopped seeing woman he had affair with, but I was adamant I was not taking him back after being unfaithful to me. It took a year to get through the divorce and financial settlement, again mostly because my husband kept telling judge he did not want divorce. Eventually I got my divorce and husband had moved out but still refusing me 50% of business even though I had 50% shares. Out the other side my life transformed. My sister commented she had got her sister back again. The relief of not having to pretend everything was ok when i was miserable inside was enormous. A year on and to my surprise I met someone else and life is wonderful. My new husband treats me with respect, makes me feel special and life is a joy to live again. If my first husband had not cheated I would probably still be with him and miserable. I only wish I had plucked up courage to divorce him 10 years earlier. If you are not happy life is not worth living. It can be so much better living alone than living in misery. Only you can do it but on Gransnet we can support you as you go through the process. Don't waste your life, you could have so much more. Go for it and set yourself free. I have never regretted my decision for one second even before I found new partner.

Just an extra point. In my opinion, it is important to find a good Solicitor, who specialises in Family Law, asap. Some people say getting Solicitors involved causes acrimony. That doesn’t need to happen. Remember, you need to listen to their advice and take a lot of it, but you don’t have to agree with every bit and you can insist that they modify their approach. It is really important to have good legal advice early though. I am pretty ‘on-the-ball’, but my Solicitor raised issues and points that I would never have thought of. Without her, I could easily have ended up paying my ex 1/3rd of my pension (lump sum and monthly amount). With her advice, instead, I took on a £10,000 loan and paid off a credit card of my husband’s, as it made things much easier for him and when I retired I had my own pension. That’s just one example. I really can’t recommend a good Solicitor enough.

Breeze, slight correction. If it had worked they would have either been back in the same bed or separated, because counselling is meant to help people find out what they really feel and have the determination to act on it.

Peta I was married for 22 years to first husband now 13 to second and huge huge difference.

Being alone together is horrible. Have you thought long and hard and envisaged what life would be like living alone, and without OH? If this feels right, then why cling to what is wrong for you.? You have dreams of meeting someone else and being happy - this really says it all. You can likely realise that longing but first you must take some of this excellent advice given above; check finances, see where you could live, and then bite the bullet with your OH. Good luck - be brave!

Petal 49
I divorced my first husband after a 19yr marriage that was only happy in the early years. He wasn’t interested in sex with me. Ten years of zero affection, I plucked up the courage to go and see a solicitor. Solicitor wrote to husband advising divorce proceedings had begun and that we were now Tenants in Common.
I was on my own with my children for five years before meeting a lovely man. We’ve now been married for 24 years. I found happiness at last, and I hope you will too.

Petal49 You do not mention children so assume ?there are none in your marriage.What initially drew you together? Your husband does not from what you describe appear be as dissatisfied with this relationship as yourself. You want affection why not ? are not we all entitled to be loved and wanted. Maybe he feels unable, in his mind,to come up to expectations, inadequate ? hence no sex.We are all different and you should not look at other relationships and expect how another ended their marriage to work for you. My only advice is that you obtain professional help from those with the expertise ,have heard it all before, to help you end this what seems a no hope of a marriage and what it will financially involve.
It may be long haul but then breakups very rare come easy.

Just to add my experiences/suggestions. Similar marriage situation to yours, separation was inevitable, BUT my husband chose to get a new partner 1) when I was in hospital having major surgery 2) spend loads of money on a trip to S America with new partner 3) shortly before I was due to retire. After the split involving moving home etc I suffered with depression for about 12 months (never thought it would happen to me!). Now 7 years on, we are OK friends (easier for the children at family events where he and I both attend but not his partner) and I love my new life.
Advice - Minimise the trauma - Choose a time, soon, when you have NO OTHER BIG LIFE EVENTS & pack up now any things of particular sentimental importance to you. Keep a very close eye on your finances. I requested just one thing from my children, that his partner should not be called Grandma or similar. That has worked well.