Hi Petal49,
I’m sorry to read your story. And I don’t normally post much, but your sadness resonated with mine about 20 years ago. Yes - have the divorce t-shirt, sadly! I’m sharing this only to show all can be resolved - if you stick at it. For several years in my 20 year marriage I’d felt alone as the ex was difficult, argumentative, awful at contributing to household finances but as we were ‘born again” Christians & supposedly faithful till death do us part, I’d decided to make the best of it. Big mistake! Not long after my 50th he started an affair with a younger Columbian woman, our son was 12 at the time. I found out, was so shocked, we made a reconciliation attempt, he said he'd finished with her. I found out he was still living with her (in another town, where he was located for work during the week), whilst lying to his family & me. Once trust is gone, there is no foundation for a relationship…so to cut short a long story we divorced. It was long, messy & painful. He was pretty nasty, accused me of all sorts, did his best to blacken my name, so he could appear to be the injured one. 2 years into divorce proceedings I moved from low income self-employment, (he wasn’t contributing financially to house or child), grudgingly returned to my better remunerated previous profession which meant moving into rental. Ugh, very hard work, tough starting over, new job, new area, new people, etc. So 19 years on now..our son lives 20 mins drive from me, successfully running his own company; has had a lot of growing up problems drugs etc, but really come out of it on the right side. Post decree absolute, (took 5 teeth clenching years to get there, both a sadness & huge relief) about 8 months after that, met someone, & we’re still in a steady relationship 13 years on, have lovely home, comfortable life,etc inc dog.
During the whole messy process outlined above - at some point a wise solicitor said ‘Ask yourself where you want to be and how you see yourself in 10 years time? Then act to achieve that aim.”
So Petal49, my thoughts for what they're worth,
In the end - if the relationship’s done for, then it will all come down to finances..so protect yourself!
1)If you haven't already done so - get a separate bank account, & know everything about your household finances, mortgage etc
2)Go to a solicitor, get a free half hour consultation (if such a thing still exists) find out your legal standing and anything else you should do to protect yourself financially. And likely costs! Try more than one, till you find one you feel confident with, and one that’s got a reputation for being tough. To be blunt, if you’re not ‘in bed’ together, the marriage is dead, so why not act before you’re confronted (maybe) with a much more difficult situation, as I was, (although we were, I thought, mistakenly 'in bed'.) Hope you won’t be, but never say never! If there are no children it’s easier too. Is there a good reason to stop you making a new independent life? Religion? Money? Disapproving friends/relatives?
2)If you can’t talk to him now, what’s his reaction going to be if you start separation/divorce proceedings? Will it get nasty - that’s why you may need an experienced family law solicitor. But if he’ll be co-operative you could cut costs and do a sensible DIY divorce.
3)Get to know as much as the solicitors, (well almost), read up about it, there’s info out there on-line.
5) Take Courage, coming from the knowledge of what’s what legally, financially.
6) What Ariana6 1st page said is great practical advice.
7) At 50 you’ve the youthful time and energy to recover from moving, re-establishing your life how you want it to be…the longer you leave it the harder it will be, both mentally and physically. And it does take time - longer than you think.
Am I glad I left - well he left, and then I had to leave the place I’d wanted to call home for ever, to survive financially. So - no choice there.
Now 20+ years on- Life is immeasurably better. It was/is worth all the hard work. You've only one life - go for it.
Good Morning Monday 29th April 2024
Harry and Meghan ‘royal’ tour of Nigeria.