Leaving a compulsive liar

I'm sorry for you Annie67 but I'm afraid he wont change and it will probably get worse- get out now.

Oh Annie - this is awful. How does he react if/when you challenge him about his lies? If he insists the lies are truth, then he has a serious psychological problem and needs to see a doctor. If not and he 'comes clean' but justifies them, then (thinking kindly about him) he must have low self esteem and needs to make himself sound more interesting.
Either way, it's not for you to deal with ... can you get any support from his family, who seem to be well aware of his ways? I understand it's difficult to actually leave, but don't stay because you think you won't find anyone else. Isn't it better to be alone than to be in a 'relationship' based on lies?
I'm also very concerned at his asking for money ... does this happen in other situations? I hope you didn't give him any and please don't in the future. He's using you in so many ways - please look seriously into ways of leaving.

PS I understand that he has already gone - when I said "leave", I meant leave the relationship.

Annie67, it sounds to me as if your ex-partner has some kind of personality disorder. I think if you are to accept him back, he needs to seek help.

However, can I gently query, why you are so keen to get back into another relationship. Why do you not consider building a new life as a single woman? There is a joke that a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle. In other words, while no-one is dismissing the many pleasures and joys of being in a happy relationship. Better single than in a bad relationship.

So start to rethinking yourself, not as someone who needs a partner to 'prove' something or another, but a confident single woman carving out a life for yourself. Somethings, like your weight you can take action about yourself and start to remedy and, as for your facial abnormality, it probably worries and bothers you, far more than anyone looking at it. See if you can get some counselling to help you build your self-confidence and learn to make a life for yourself on your own terms. there are hundreds of thousands of single women around the country happily living single lives without feeling any need to have a partner. Probably quite a number in your town, so add to that number.

He has always lied to you.

His family say he has always been like this.

He lies and steals and fabricates extreme stories to extort money.

He is getting worse.

You say he would do anything for you. If that’s so why doesn’t he behave honestly?

You say he treats you like a queen. But he doesn’t, does he? Honesty is the key to any relationship. He could buy you a castle but it would probably be with money that isn't his and and he'd still be a liar.

He is making you question your on mind. That's gaslighting and is abuse.

Let him go. Take measures to improve your self esteem. You are only 51. You don’t need another 30 years of his nonsense.

You say that you don’t want to be alone but, you know, many of us here are and we lead very happy and fulfilling lives. Never tolerate behaviour which makes you unhappy for the sake of being with someone.

The thing I honed in on in your post was your own low opinion of yourself! It sounds like your self esteem is so low that you are willing to accept this way of life, and that can’t be right. I urge you to get some counselling for yourself and work on building your self esteem. As M0nica said it is perfectly possible to be happy and fulfilled on your own.
As for your partner he sounds like he has either a personality disorder or a mental health condition especially as the lies are apparently pointless most of the time, can he be persuaded to seek help?? I wouldn’t recommend considering reuniting as a couple until you both have sorted your issues out as you will most likely just repeat the pattern if you dont

To answer questions...
When he is confronted with the truth, he denies it even when it's right in front of him in black and white. He will argue and deny, get very defensive, swear, slam doors and then generally get in his car and roar off like a lunatic. And then when he's over that, and things are back to normal, he is absolutely incredulous when I don't believe anything he says.
His family gave up years ago, they just ignore it now. His sister however, has been begging me for years to get out because she says I'm wasting my time trying to change him. she remembers him being like this her entire life. She tells me that he has shot my self esteem to pieces and that I'm nothing like the person she met all those years ago.
I don't give him money any more. I used to, when he'd ring me and beg for money, cry even, because he was either stuck somewhere or had run out of food. He was a long haul truck driver for a long time so I never knew if he was actually stuck/hungry or not. so I would just give him the money.
I want to be in a relationship because I like having someone to look after, I have only ever wanted to be a wife and mother, and I honestly don't know what to do with myself now that I'm here alone. It's a foreign concept to me, just having to think of myself.

FountainPen, I cried when I read your reply. It made me see it as an outsider does, made me realise just how many excuses I have made for his behaviour over the years and how ridiculously pathetic I am to still consider taking him back.
I don't know whether it's my lack of self esteem, stubbornness, or just sheer stupidity, I still feel drawn to him when I see him. Maybe it's some sort of conditioning, I really don't know any more.
If there was one thing that really stood out and made me seriously question his personality, it was him telling me his son had died. That really shocked me. I sat and cried when I found out it was a lie, I was horrified, but for some reason, I just tucked it away with everything else and told myself it wouldn't happen again.

Annie, I think you have done the right thing. You have low self esteem because you must be on tender hooks not knowing what lie is next, you mention your weight, you can alter that, make is a project, your facial deformity, well you attracted him, build on what you do have, as I get older there are parts of me that so good, that applies to most people. Try and do one new thing, a reading group, swimming or walking, get to enjoy being you again.

jenpax, I have always had very low self esteem, and I think part of the reason I stayed with him so long is that he seemed to just accept me as I am, and I knew I'd never find anyone else that would.
Yes I think I do need counselling for myself, I'll look into that.
I have begged and pleaded with him to get some professional help, and he says he will, but never does, and says if I would just believe what he says, we wouldn't have any problems.
Every time it's the same - I will never lie again, I've changed, I will do my best, etc etc.
And every time, it's me that covers for him, makes excuses and pretty much lies so he doesn't look like an idiot to everyone.
That's really hard to admit, because I have always prided myself on my honesty and integrity, but yes, I have lied to protect him.

I agree with everyone else Annie67
Whatever is wrong with your husband is not going to change now.
You deserve better. I understand your need to nurture and care but you could do this as a volunteer helping other people.
Don't be scared, lots of us on GN left our husbands and our lives to start afresh alone. Better to be happy on your own than miserable living with someone. Move on and enjoy your life, good luck .

I was shocked to read this Annie67. All this in your life and you are only 51y. You’ve been with him 19y.
Time now to put yourself first girl.

“Above all, don’t lie to yourself. The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases to love.”

– Fyodor Dostoevsky

I have only ever wanted to be a wife and mother, and I honestly don't know what to do with myself now that I'm here alone. It's a foreign concept to me, just having to think of myself.

Annie67 I have just read the above words you wrote and I find it difficult to believe that it was written by someone 25 years my junior and much the same age as my children.

Even when I started work, most women were beginning to realise that there was always going to be more in their lives than home and family and among your generation, I would say women who think that home and family should encompass their lives are as rare as hen's teeth.

I think you need to seek counselling to learn to live with yourself, find yourself and like yourself. If you can learn to be comfortable with yourself, stand on your own as an independent person, I am sure it will make you happier and ironically improve your chances of finding another partner, because you will be your own person and will not be so needy and prepared to accept anyone, just to have a partner.

You speak of a face disfigurement. Many women with facial problems and disfigurement have benefited from learning make-up techniques to hide it or ameliorate it.
www.changingfaces.org.uk/ is a charity dedicated to helping people with facial disfigurement, both practically and psychologically.

He's a sad individual whose lies are a " confidence-builder/booster " to himself so badly needs treatment.
It doesn't sound so underhanded to me because of his blatancy in saying his son had died, knowing that the boys sister would verify. That also denotes looking for sympathy too so his mind is more screwed up rather than him being a pathological liar.

You’ve made the first move so stick with it and don’t doubt yourself. My DH is starting to behave in this way as his dementia slowly progresses. So I understand. It might seem petty to get upset about little things, little lies, but it really wears you down when it’s all day every day doesn’t it?

Best of luck x

It sounds like a type of coercive control. Certainly in the effect it has had on you. And as we have all heard recently, that became illegal in 2015

So sad that you have put up with him for so long - especially as you seem to have been aware of his problems with honesty from about the beginning and for why?
You really don't need to be with somebody to have a rewarding life, whatever your dress size and whatever you look like and you seem to have stuck with him, because you believe that if you are on your own, you are worthless !
Stick to your guns, and keep him out of your life. Look around you and see what else is going on in your local area - you don't say if you have a job, but you could always volunteer - either in a charity shop or for any charity that needs help and through this you will make new friends and form some kind of social life and a new life for yourself - a step in the right direction

I think the longer you're away from this person, the clearer it will become that he is very disordered, and has drawn you into his world, bit by bit.
You've lost your integrity as an honest person because of his lies, and moving away from our own moral compass is never right for us.

If you don't like lies and Liars , stick to your decision.

You have absolutely made the right decision, it took great courage but you did it, please build on that and start building a life free from lies and misery, you can do it!

Every one needs to feel wanted and needed, I wonder if perhaps you have thought of fostering as a way to address that need? Volunteering certainly will get you out to make friends and feel you are making a difference. Have a look at www.nationalservice.gov/serve/search for ideas.

It is vital you now get yourself occupied so you don't have long days or evenings sitting at home thinking how lonely you are and how it would be good to have some conversation and someone to eat with.

This may sound trite and silly, if so please forgive, but perhaps a pet, a rescue dog if you aren't at work all day, might give you the companionship everyone needs?

We are all willing you to succeed!

Please believe you deserve more than this man can offer.

It sounds like you've been sucked into an abusive relationship and whilst the financial extortion is terrible, it's the emotional and pyschological abuse which concerns me more.

I'd strongly suggest that you block all means of him contacting you whilst you find a specialised counsellor and Relate will work with people singularly in your situation.
I'm suggesting you employ a no contact stance as I suspect that he'll attempt to emotionally manipulate you into forgiveness and allowing him to return. Please don't fall for this.

There's been many good suggestions on how to occupy yourself and get your needs to nurture fulfilled and it'd be worthwhile following these up.

Good luck,stay focussed and enjoy your liberation.

In terms of coercive control, it may be interesting to think about intermittent reinforcement, and how it can be used to train people to accept things, bit by bit.

Its how dogs are trained, being given something like every time they do well.
Over time, the treats are reduced, and they're sporadic, but the dog is absolutely focused on anticipating the treat all the time.

Interspersed with all the bad, these people can be lovely partners, and it keep their partners constantly in a state of anticipation. (much like someone addicted to gambling, drugs, or any other addict)

Its not healthy for you mentally, or physically, because of the roller coaster emotions. Your body is in 'fight or flight' mode a lot of the time.

Apologies, the link for UK volunteering is do-it.org/opportunities/search

please dont put yourself down you deserve better than him and you will get that too