Leaving a compulsive liar

I can not believe you think this man is all the life you deserve. As Monica said you can have a very happy fulfilled life alone. People worth knowing will not judge you by your appearance. You are only 51, on the brink of a new adventure of making your own wonderful life whatever you want that to be. Please see a counsellor who will help with your self esteem. Move forward not backwards. There's nothing to be afraid of - many of us have done it.

I can only imagine that because of your low self esteem and your inability to love yourself this has made you cling to this man for so long He is a loving man to you and probably loves and cares about you and saw you as someone he wanted to be with for 19 years I doubt he can help his lies they are how his brain functions it’s a mental disability but not one you need to be part of unless of course he wanted to seek help though counselling or a psychotherapist, I may have missed it but since he left has he tried to win you back?

Now you have made the move ( congratulations) you need to build your own strength of character up, please get some counselling, join a confidence building class or group or even online if there is nothing in your area The NhS do a great Wellbing service online which I m sure would cover all your worries You can do something about your weight and you will feel brillient and confident with each pound that comes off Join a group to get some back up Not knowing your disfigurement I wonder is there anything you can do to help, like learning the art of make up etc, there are pretty pretty girls out there who have had dreadful burns etc but learned to live with and make the best of their faces None of us are happy with our faces anyway
You sound a lovely person who is trapped in a shed load of insecurities but only you (with help) can change that

Good luck my friend start living

Annie , this man doesn't deserve you . The posters above are right you need to build up your self esteem . Good make up technique and maybe joining a supportive slimming club could help . Look into helping as a reading listener in primary schools . We have a mentoring scheme locally for teens that are always asking for people , not necessarily needing any skills except to listen. Helping out with lunch clubs for older people. Join a 'Tuneless Choir' they're sprouting up everywhere are lots of fun and as the label says you don't have to be able to sing you just need to try.
What I'm trying to say is make that move and find people who need you - there are lots about . Oh nearly forgot how about a dog or a cat or if your living circumstances don't allow that offer dog walking or cat sitting services - very good for the health and an extra bit of cash.

My heart goes out to you. I broke free at the age of 49. It took me a long time to see my ex as he really was (discovering his affair helped). In my head he loved me and our family but in truth his actions showed he only loved himself and used people for his own gain, even his children. I was brainwashed by him with no self esteem whatsoever believing I could not exist without him.
Liars and cheats never change. My ex's family have told me about his childhood behaviour, stories he would boast about and laugh off as a joke, but looking back now his future was set. A cruel man who could turn on such a charm and expected to be worshipped.
I wish you well for what is ahead. You deserve the peace and happiness I now have without a life walking on eggshells. Believe me, you can do it.

We always believe we can change them, but the fact is, people don't change unless they want to - leopards and their spots and all that.

Believe me, you CAN make a life for yourself on your own. I divorced my serial adulterer of a husband after not quite 30 years of marriage. I discovered his first affair about 6 years ago (well, the first that I knew about, there may well have been others before that) and his behaviour went downhill after that. One lie after another. I divorced him getting on for 18 months ago now and believe me, I'm so pleased I did. Life is just taking off for me and I'm embracing it. All the best to you.

Only you can decide if he's worth it. Do you ever challenge him about his lies? If not, perhaps he thinks you believe everything he tells you! You say you don't want to be alone, but is the current situation with this man worth the mental anguish? Stress makes people ill.
I agree with the other comments about coercive and controlling behaviour. My personal opinion is chuck him out, change the locks and block him from any other means of contact.

You deserve better!
Don't waver, he will only get worse as he ages.
You will eventually look back on leaving him and realise it was the best thing you ever did.

Before I go any further, I should tell everyone that I'm in Australia, not the UK. I know it's a UK site but I wanted something completely removed from where I am. Last time I was on an Aus forum, about 6 months ago, someone I knew was on there and somehow figured out who I was from what I said, and they told him. I never heard the end of it after that so I left the group.
My apologies for not saying this at the beginning.

I have done everything I can now to stop contact with him. I've blocked him where I can, changed my phone numbers, changed the locks on my doors because he refused to give the house keys back, and put locks on the yard gates.
Unfortunately, we live in a small town, less than 1000 people, and I can't completely avoid him.
I live in a dead end street of only 6 houses, and my house is away from the others. So he has no reason to drive down here as an excuse to go somewhere else. He has been driving to the top of the hill where the other houses are, parking his car, and then sitting on the bonnet and looking down here. I'm not scared, he has never been violent even during our worst times, bu it's a little unnerving.
I just know he's going to show up at the gate with a whole pack of lies about getting help, being sorry, all the rest, and I really don't think I am capable yet of saying no.
So I have been proactive for once. I have a friend in another state, and she is on her way with one of her dogs, a Great Dane that absolutely loathes my ex, who in turn is terrified of the dog. She will be here today some time, and I know that once he sees the dog, he won't come near the house.
As a bonus, I get a beautiful dog to love and keep me company while I sort my head out.

My son keeps asking what happened etc. I have once again skirted around the truth, because if I told him, he would be in his car driving immediately. And the result when he found my ex wouldn't be good. He's extremely protective of me, and I know how he would react.
My daughter on the other hand is a bit older and knows a bit more. She said to me yesterday, "Mum, for years you have spent all day preparing yourself for what he was going to say when he got home each day, I don't think you realise how much anxiety you live with."
I thought about it later, thought about what I'd say to her if she met someone like him. I'd tell her to run and keep running.
And yet in my head, he's good for me. Because I'm fat, have a bad squint in my left eye, and don't deserve anything better.

My mind is like a pendulum, swinging wildly from get out, to try once more.

I am trying to tell myself to not think about his words, but to think about his actions over the years. Because his actions alone show him to be unreliable, dishonest and a thief. He took all of his mothers money from her account when she was in hospital for a hip replacement, and because she had moderate dementia, he said she had taken it out and didn't remember. I knew very well that he had taken it, and made him pay it back, even though he denied it for months.
So many dreadful things that he's done, so much deceit.

Someone on here said it's like a dog being trained with rewards. That's how I feel. Like I continually live in anticipation of his charming moments, while completely disregarding the truly awful ones.
Even though I say all this, and I know, I know how destructive he is to my mind and emotions, I still can't shut him out.
I feel so stupid. I shake my head in disbelief when I see other women that won't leave abusive relationships, yet I still cling onto it.
Sorry everyone, I know I'm rambling on.

annie67 his behaviour sounds very worrying to me. You might want to go to your nearest cop shop and ask about taking out an AVO if he's hanging about watching you. Women can be statistically at their most vulnerable when they show some power and end the relationship. Your son sounds really supportive maybe he would go with you

I don't know why he lies, or why he cannot stop but the important thing Annie is that YOU start building a new life based on your wants and your honesty.

Go for counselling and support as soon as possible because, for your own sanity, you should not weaken now through loneliness and the inability to see yourself as a wonderful, interesting and caring human (which comes through very clearly in your posts).

You assume that people with what you perceive as flaws are unattractive but believe me, genuine attractiveness comes from personality and character and you already have a head start over some of the "beautiful" mean spirited and critical people in this world.

Never presume what will happen for you in future. This is a magic world

Join clubs if you can, take a course, follow your hobbies and maybe find like-minded people who share your interests. Allow life to to be good to you because you certainly deserve it.

BTW: My sister was like your partner from a child and she's in her late 60's now and still the same. If you ask her what she's had for breakfast she'll say 'Weetabix', even if it was beans on toast - completely pointless, futile lies.

Wishing you all the very best

I don’t know what the laws are like in Australia but your partners behaviour sounds like stalking to me and I’d inform the police. Don’t weaken now , listen to your daughter and confide in your son if he confronted your partner and warned him off that would be no bad thing. Great idea to borrow the dog

Annie67
You are stronger than you think and can be brave. You have taken the first step (hooray). Like an alcoholic you are craving that which you know is bad for you. Day by day stick with it. Praise yourself for getting through another day without weakening. In time, you will become the person your sister-in-law first met and admired. Get support, tell your children, and admit it to others (they will know anyway). By saying it aloud it becomes true. You are better off without him as he makes you a lesser version of yourself.
Let the younger you back out!
Good luck.

Annie, Please don't put yourself down. None of us are perfect. As someone said, there are various makeup tricks which we all use to cover our imperfections and some choose not to.
Take a look at that model Winnie Harlow. She has rather severe Vitiligo, but she does not try to hide it. She has a successful modelling career despite it.
Hope you feel better after reading all the encouraging posts

Annie you have done so well taking these steps, be proud of your new independent self. I agree with others who said inform the police if you are worried by his behaviour.
Brilliant idea with the dog, Great Danes are one of my favourite breeds.
Exercise with the dog will help with your weight and I find a good walk with my dogs really boosts my spirits.
Talk to your son, he needs to know what is happening. Sounds like you have two great children, you must have done a good job raising them despite their father.
Well done, keep the faith.

There was an article in the i today about compulsive liars.It is considered to be either a personality disorder or possibly a definable mental illness. It mentioned at least one book on the subject: Duped: Compulsive Liars and How They Can Deceive You by Abby Ellin, published by Piatcus.

what you said about stealing from his vulnerable mum, you don't want to risbeing at the mercy of that man if you are ill or when you get older. He's stalking you now isn't he. Get some local info from the local domestic abuse organisation I get that sometimes things are ok, I was with the ex for longer than you've been with him, and it's the feeling of relief, and the hope that things will get better, well they don't. What I personally found helpful was to write down all the things could remember that he did over the years, and if ever I wavered thinking well maybe it wasn't so bad, I could remind myselyes it was bad and I don't want to have things like that happen again. He lied too, and maybe one thing to consider is he's lying by omission, not telling you things that you ought to know
I had some shocking revelations I really did. And the more you think about them the more you'llrealise.
There are lots of ways you can care for people, both paid and unpaid, but first start caring for yourself.

Some of the happiest women l know are women who live by themselves. Dawn

Oh Annie, how terrible this situation you find yourself in.
How you have coped all these years I have no idea it would have sent me insane.
If I was in this situation and knowing how my husband had lied for no good reason I would make arrangements to make a new life for myself.
I would take financial advice and make plans for the future. e.g. divorce, pensions, work/retirement issues.
There is lots to consider but believe in yourself, whatever the future holds it can't be worse than the life you have had with this man for the past 19 years.
Best of Luck.