About to end friendship

I totally understand where you are coming from - the spite and malice is draining and hard to ignore.

However, I am very much in the ‘why cut off your nose to spite your face’ corner.

Choose to sit elsewhere on the course, if possible, and practice being aloof in her company.

There will surely be other people on the cruise - focus on enjoying yourself.

Now, she is obviously aware that she has overstepped the mark - you can politely but firmly remind her that her opinions are not appreciated and that if she doesn’t hold her tongue, you would prefer not to see her as frequently, or at all.

I find that having made this clear, a look is generally enough for a swift change of topic. If not, simply walking away, or indeed stopping the car and inviting them to continue their journey on foot!

I hope you will enjoy your clubs and cruise, with or without her - and your DH is an absolute treasure to have your back like that ?

You certainly need to speak to this person and state , quite calmly if you can, that you have been friends with B and that you were very upset with A for what she said. Because of this, you feel that you are unable to go on the cruise with her or the course and that it is better if the two of you do not meet up for a while and leave it at that.Get up and walk away if you need to!

Oh no Lumarei I don't agree at all. Telling someone why when they haven't asked is really confrontational and at the very least it's imposing a criticism on them that they haven't solicited. If they say "please tell me why blah blah" then maybe you can tell them.

Well it seems to me that A is slightly jealous of B. Not liking your relationship with B. Awwww. Let it go. Don’t cause her to lose money as well as yourself. Be a bit sorry for her, be the grown up. In future disentangle yourself gradually, you don’t want to damage people. She probably relies a lot on your friendship.
I terminated a very long friendship in the last year and am very relieved I did so. I had ignored betrayals over the years because she could always turn on the charm and I thought ...well if anything serious happened to either of us we’d be there... then it did, to me, and she wasn’t. So such a relief that I don’t tense up when the phone rings. BUT I don’t see any betrayals here. Is that she doesn’t like your friend good enough excuse to dump? Is there another deeper reason?
I remember when I was s little girl my mother broke off with a very good friend, a friendless woman very fond of my mum, I liked her too. She wasn’t warm but she was unusual, a spinster, a loner, because this friend said something nasty about my older brothers girlfriend who none of us knew but was pregnant and about to be married to said brother. My mother refused to ever speak to her again, or write. Years later she was the only mourner at her funeral. I thought it was tragic. And so unnecessary.

A way I have found useful is to step back quietly from the person you want out of your life. It can take a bit longer but doesn't cause aggro. Are you sure she doesn't talk about you in the same light to others,
If you understand the concept you an talk to her higher self in your head telling her how you feel , thbis works well too.

I’ve an elderly widowed Mum, always been very critical of anyone who does not agree with her views ( me included). A life long friend of Mums, another widow, who I really like, visits Mum daily as Mum is on a zimmer and can’t go out unassisted. I take them out for a country drive and pub lunch once a week, and if Mums friend can’t come for whatever reason, Mum always starts criticising her. I flatly refuse to sit and listen to it and tell her at once that I’m not having that conversation, it’s easier to deal with at the time than in retrospect. Mum will say, yes but .... and I just interrupt and remind her how lonely she would be without her friends daily visits. She knows now not to even start with me, as I decide what I will/won’t talk about.

Tricky.... It sounds as though A is really rather insecure (and possibly very lonely too...) Unfortunately, she’s not doing herself any favours by being so critical of others. I would suggest that she is highly self-critical, has difficulties with liking herself and wants friends who will spend time with and affirm her, but can’t manage to be kind, compassionate or grateful herself. Highly critical (and unhappy) people are ‘drains’. The advice of other posters to spend less time with, or around, her seems to me to be to be eminently sensible. Are you able to emotionally detach from her when you are with her rather than allowing her behaviour to ‘push your buttons’? She actually sounds like a rather sad person - it must be hard being inside her own head if she finds other people so unpleasant and her life so unsatisfying.

I had a friend who was very confrontational and I just like to keep in the background. We got on so well, but I would be embarrassed by her 'straight talk' to other people, so I eventually slowly pulled away from her. I have to say, now I do regret this, as we got on so well and had so much in common, but it's been a year or so since the last contact, and I have to put up with not being friends with her again. Just to say, - if you get on well together, perhaps it might be best to accept that you have different views about things, as you might end up like me, regretting not seeing my friend any more.

It sounds to me as if your friend has some emotional issues going on and is giving vent by criticising your other friend. (There's possibly some jealousy and insecurity in the mix, too). If you value the friendship you have with her, however, then I think the advice offered by GoldenAge is worth a try first.

Waiting for a call. A texted to arrange call today for chat.
We are bridge partners. We either play as a team of two or end partnership. Sad sad, sad...
She can cruise on her own. It's a bridge cruise. Lots of singles to play with.

It sounds to me that this is not just a case of her bad mouthing your friend but a continual barrage of negativity about her life, husband, etc. If that is the case, I really feel for you because it does become emotionally draining. I have a daughter who I love dearly but she is very negative, makes decisions about things that you can see will just lead to more problems for her to moan about and keeps going round in circles with the same problems with her husband. There are days when I could scream but she steadfastly refuses to accept that she is, to the greater extent, the mistress of her own destiny. I find myself limiting my time with her before my patience just wears thin. You can choose your friends but not your family so make the choice that suits you.

I wouldn't engage in a confrontation. Try to make yourself scarce going forward and ease off the friendship gradually. If you confront her, you will likely end up on the wrong end of her future 'conversations'. If she corners you again, you can politely change the subject. She'll get the hint soon enough.

Well, call over. A long one, around the houses, beginning with her saying she could see I was unhappy and she wanted to know why. (I was a bit flat at Weds game, not rude, just not myself and made excuse about today's game.)
We said all there was to be said. She feels I'm holding a grudge and am not very forgiving (of my perceived slight on her part) I said I just needed space as bridge is intense and it's been busy and 3 times weekly recently. All so 1:1. We play as a team of two. No avoiding. Hard to describe to non player North South, etc
I admitted my own fault for not being more open on issues sooner - might have helped stop the runaway train.
She can do cruise without me. Booked on basis shed go solo even if I didn't.
Anyway, felt low until call over nut some of the solid mud in my system has shifted and somehow it was cathartic so well do lesson Tuesday she's away for rest of week and we'll see where we are following Tuesday.
No apology but hey, life is short, this hiccup will be in the past soon enough. I have a couple of weeks to ponder cruise.
SUMMARY: A thinks no issue and B was rude end of. I think better to mention briefly and leave until with independent person to unload. Agree to disagree.

Has she always been like this? If not is she depressed or physically unwell? If she’s as bad as you say why arrange to go on holiday? I definitely think you should speak to her before cancelling your plans. Perhaps she’s got problems that are making her so negative.

Could someone tell me where to find the abbreviations list? Im finding it really hard to read post with so many in them! I cant work out who is who, and give up!

ladyinspain In this instace A, B and C are not abbreviations, just code letters for different friends in the OP's life.

I always remember a Manager of mine about 30 years ago said he does not surround himself with negative people and in a group situation would remove himself from the conversation. Stayed with me those words.

As you inferred she didnt feel she needed to make any apology and that in her mind it was B who was rude I dont think anything will change. So better to step away and not spend so much time in her company.

I'd just be honest by telling A how uncomfortable the situation makes you feel when she's badmouthing another person whom you enjoy. Reminding her you'd feel the same if someone were doing it to her and you'd prefer not to be involved with the negativity. Distance yourself if not respected.

Divisive person comes to mind.

I really feel for you this is a horrible situation. I can only speak from my own experience.
My advice for you is negative friends will drain the life out of you. You sound like a nice lady that doesn’t like confrontation.
Your friend seems to be jealous and controlling. You don’t need people like that in your life.
I think you are brave to speak to her face to face. My guess is that she will probably not listen and be defensive. Try to explain things clearly and calmly.
Your feelings and friendship with others are important to you. Don’t let her squash you speak your mind. If she doesn’t understand or listen. I would not bother with her anymore.
This could happen again and again unless you put a stop to it.

You know it’s much better to have people around you that bring harmony and positivity to your life, not toxic friends who just stress you out. Just become unavailable to her and forget it.

My Mum always used to say, 'If someone talks to you about others behind their back, you can bet they talk about you behind yours.'

BradfordLass72

We live in an age where petty criticism of others is rife. It seems impossible to sit on a bus or train without overhearing a tedious conversation where A is telling B what is wrong with C. On another bus somewhere, C will be telling D what is wrong with A.

Brigidsdaughter

Seems to me A’s views about your friend B are the straw that broke the camel’s back and your friendship and bridge partnership with her would be better ended so that you no longer have to tolerate her generally negative take on life. You have been open and honest by discussing how you feel and can now move on to the next stage.

You don’t say how long you have been bridge partners or to what standard. A discreet word with your club’s host(s) about changing might be helpful. Are there any new players in the club and to the game who might welcome being paired with more experienced players? That’s how you might get around the inevitable club gossip if you each suddenly start playing with a new partner.

I haven’t played bridge in a while and when I did, never had a regular partner. I used to enjoy being paired up with different people from week to week apart from one very competitive but rather rude and grumpy man. Then I might bid us into a contract that would be hard for him to make, smile sweetly and then go off and make a cup of tea while dummy. Apologies to non-bridge players.

It's hard when people say nasty things about your mutual friend. Now, we have a group of friends.....we phone each other regularly, and to be quite honest, we are not a mutual admiration society. We complain about one to the other, but no one carries it over or stirs trouble. We are all grown and we are entitled to our opinions and to who we share these opinions with.
We choose someone as our friend because circumstances have drawn us together - we find someone we can either relate to or empathis with.
One of my friends is so negative about her life. She is always looking to see where she can save a penny or two, (she is very well off by the way). If I ring to say I have a headache she'll say she has a migraine....the attention has to be on her. It's very tiresome at times, but we have a lot of things in common, children, culture etc. So I would never break my friendship with her. When she is in a "poor me " mood, I give some excuse to cut short the conversation.