Moving on

I hope writing it down has helped you Plumtree.

Concentrate on you, treat yourself to a spa day, new clothes or hairstyle.

You have a wedding and new baby to look forward to, don’t look backwards.

Plumtree, I've had one of those too! I know how it feels.

I needed to discover my identity minus the dumper, and without everlasting resentment which is so energy-sapping.

You won't be in that place forever for the simple reason that you seek to talk about it and that is in itself a dynamic move.

Thank you.
Missing the new man too...
Hate feeling like my kids are having to be my rock and support. When I should be theirs.
Think all my friends are fed up with my tears...

Can't offer any advice just want to say you can do it.
Put it behind you , I am sure there is some happiness ahead, the right person will come along.
Good luck and enjoy the wedding and your new GC.

I empathize. We all have low points in our lives but things can get better with the help of friends and family and medication too if that’s an option for you. I was widowed very young and thought the world had ended. Remarried into a disastrous relationship, lost everything I had, gained a few fractures and got divorced. Again a new low. Remarried again and blissfully happy. Until a recent disastrous diagnosis for a progressive disease. Another low but one we just have to deal with.

My only advice would be to live in the moment, accept help and support and “take time to smell the roses”. You WILL get there but not necessarily in the way you think or wish for

Try soops kitchen thread for support and kindliness

Plumtree I am so sorry to read your story. If you can afford it, I would have some paid-for counselling. It is easier to talk to a stranger and leave it all behind in that room at the end of the session, it saves leaning on your friends or adult children, and it certainly helped me in a similar situation.

I say "paid-for counselling" because the waiting lists are long for Relate, plus also it often helps to be able to choose your counsellor.

You will get there .... I can tell that because you're already on your way.

for you and wishing you all the very best.

try to be positive about the new man leaving,would you really have wanted to take on small children again or are you better just calling it a day? You met one nice man so there will be another out there I'm sure.Put the bad marriage behind you and dont waste your energy on him or his new woman .Concentrate on you and your things to look forward to in the summer .Enjoy the GC and the wedding and look forward not back .

Conflicted with the wedding and GC, as the one person who cares as much as I do, I can't share it with. Won't let him in emotionally ever again.

Comments very comforting. Thanks

You can do it Plummy! Pretend you are Grace Kelly acting the part.

Plumtree, I feel so deeply for you! It hurts to lose people, and to have the second man leave you so soon after your xh must be very painful for both your heart and your self confidence. Lots of hugs!

I think you should stay out of the dating game for a while and perhaps go for counseling as has been suggested. Spend time just being yourself and doing things with friends or on your own. I know you might get lonely, but I think you need to be really whole again before you try romance again with all its emotional risks. And, of course, I think it was a good idea to reach out to us here and hope you keep doing so. This is a very supportive place.

Congratulations on ds' wedding and dd's baby! I know you feel you can't share the joy with xh, but maybe it will help to share it here. Best wishes to you and yours!

Sounds to me like his departure left you with a precious gem, an unmistakable confirmation that your children who love him, too, grew into caring, compassionate adults much like yourself- Now you've the opportunity to teach them something else yet again: how to move on after a life-changing event- Make the effort to pay attention to the fact that in between the waves of grief your're smooth sailing!

I agree with Starlady.

Be good to yourself and take things slowly. It is easier to do this without any romantic attachments. When you are content within yourself time enough to seek companionship/relationship.

Will your ex be at your ds's wedding?
Work at being the stunner he no longer has.

Ex will be at the wedding and around with GC.
He looks dreadful and I have tried to take care of myself (toy boy helped with that!)
Just so sad about being in this place I didn't want to be and exhausted with being miserable. Just not who I was or want to be....that's the problem the loss of identity.

You haven't lost your identity ,you are still the woman you were before.
You are now a single, independent woman, you can be as strong as you want to be.
You need faith and a positive attitude, one that will attract a similar thinking man, IF that is what you want.
Try being yourself without needing a prop.

Good post annsixty I agree.

“I was always looking outside myself for strength and confidence, but it comes from within. It is there all the time.” ―Anna Freud

Count your blessings, live in the present and allow time to heal. You sound like a gorgeous woman who will certainly love and be loved again, but why rush? The 'toy boy' has shown you that you are fun and desirable. You have so many things to look forward to. Think of it all as a liberation and new beginning and adventure, which it actually is, instead of being tied to a horrible husband. You have the freedom, health and money to enjoy life, so do it!

urmstongranthat's a powerful quote, which I think many women would benefit from. So many of us give our All to husband and children and lose our identity in the process. plumtreeit's hard to see it now, but I think you'll look back after a little time has passed and realise that this period was the making of you.
You're out of a marriage built on deceit, and you have seen that you've raised children into lovely adults who care about you.
You have the chance to make your own rules now and be your own person.
You're naturally down in the dumps now, but you have so much to look forward to. Good luck.

Anyone emerging from 32 years with a narcissist is a) darned lucky and b) bound to feel inadequate because that's what narcs do to their partners.

You're free from him, many never get that chance, do NOT be persuaded by your soft heart to take him back.

You already know you can move on because you began already, so after all the happy flurry of the wedding, set your face to the future and be the woman you know you can be.

Best wishes and stay strong

I know how you must be feeling Plumtree and can identify with much of it.
I've been through three weddings of A.C. and 4 christenings, plus the most recent, an 18th birthday party for the eldest GS. This year DIL celebrates her 40th birthday.
All those occasions are tainted for me by the presence of my ex and affair lady wife.
Yes, it hurts. The should have been "shared together feeling" hits me too. But then I stop and think about how I was treated in my marriage and how unhappy I would have been with such a selfish man.
You hold your head up high, smile, enjoy. Remember you did nothing wrong, he is the failure, not you. Embrace your family, feel the excitement for that GC.
I wish you all the strength and happiness I am sure you deserve.

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Go to the wedding looking like a million dollars, hold your head up high and sparkle. Nod in your ex’s direction but don’t waste anymore of your life even speaking to him, this will let him know that you have moved on and are a better person without him.

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These didn’t attach with my original post.

Please do not feel bad about your children being a bit of a prop for a while. I said this to my children when was feeling under stress, and told them that I did not want them to have to carry any of the burden of my problems. They told me in no uncertain terms that I did not have the right to deny them the opportunity to help and that they were happy to "be there" for me. Please bear that in mind - they are grown adults now and it is fine for them to share some of the burden with you - just let them in.

Poor you. A year is not a long time to be over something like this. Your confidence is bound to have taken a hit. I've not been in your shoes so not in a position to give you advice. Only thing I can say is that he really isn't worthy of you. Make sure you tell yourself that every day. Who knows what is round the corner for you. Don't give up on the idea of love.