Moving on

Dear Plumtree, having left husband no.1 after 9 years of his unfaithfulness then being left by husband no. 2 after a year because getting married he thought was a “good idea at the time”, I wonder if reading notoveryet’s post ‘Its still hard to say goodbye’ could help you. I know it’s a completely different situation but you could be going through a similar grieving process. You will gets over these 2 big knocks, but it may take time.
Meanwhile big hugs.

Plumtree, your husband was a real blighter who did not deserve you. You are better off without him. As it is his nature it probably wont be long before he gets up to his old tricks again. Obviously you are still an attractive woman but he is an old fatty. Forget him, but don't rush into a new relationship just yet.
It sounds as if there are to be happy events in your family and I hope you enjoy them. Good luck.

plumtree...Take comfort from the fact that you must be in really good nick, attracted a younger man, had fun, he has moved on and so should you, now you know you are worth more than a cheating husband, if it's your wish, you will find someone, if not, be happy being independent and financially secure, your confidence will grow again and these men will be sad they let you go !!

Don't dwell on the past, you have a awful lot of good in the future. You knew what your ex was like, if you think deep you probably knew it was inevitable that the break would happen. Your new life gives you self respect and this is working for you as you have already met someone else albeit short lived. You need to give yourself time, you have support from and interest in your family, that is a huge benefit that you should cherish whilst moving ahead.

I was with a narcissistic husband for 23 years who had affairs, usually with my “friends”. When I finally split with him after taking him back once too often my first instinct was to quickly find someone else, however although I had a few relationships there was always something boggling in my head that told me I was jumping out of the frying pan into the fire and one of those relationships tested me beyond belief. I became used to my own company and gradually built up my confidence. As a couple we had been active members of our local community and were thought of as a strong couple, I felt humiliated and betrayed and my self confidence was in my boots. My 3 children were really supportive and now they have a good relationship with their father, which I ve encouraged even though he is undeserving. With the help of my children and friends I rebuilt my life, I went to work full time, now have my own home, have travelled the world, been to Japan, Canada, New Zealand, India, Cambodia, Vietnam and Nepal among others. I ve run the London marathon, Great North Run 5 times and I appear in Panto every year. I suppose what I m saying is that we don t need a man to make us happy and often they don’t , it’s about being happy with yourself and then everything else falls into place. I ve been on my own now for 16 years, I have 2 little rescue dogs and am active in being a grandma, I eat out regularly with friends and go to the theatre. Yes I get lonely sometimes, especially Valentines Day and Christmas although my children always come to me on Christmas Day, but that is outweighed by being able to do what I want when I want and best of all I m no longer responsible for him..... that has now fallen to his latest affair, one of my “ best friends” who he has since married. Remember the best form of revenge is showing how you ve picked yourself up, hold your head up high, smile proudly and feel sorry for her because he s her responsibility now not yours and breathe a big sigh of relief. Rebound relationships rarely work, get to know the new you and revel in it...... go girl, you can do this xxx

Plumtree I have been in the exact place you are now in even dating a young man who made me feel sexy and happy again in myself.
I knew it was a temporary experience but one which I will always treasure and gained self worth from.
I have lovely adult children and GC all adding to my life but
I do miss that someone who lives in my heart and thoughts
But I know I’m lucky to be out of a marriage that I was cheated in and 9 year on he is married to the Women and I saw him a couple of months ago after not seeing him since the end and he looked old and he said with true sincerity I’m sorry I was wrong and not a day goes by that I don’t think about how bad I treated you.
Now I am totally happy a single women and she can have this
Man in his latter days ....

Fake it till you make it Plumtree. Nothing wrong with you - it's the men who don't know what they're missing!

Fabulous post Coconut- totally agree! Plumtree - just enjoy looking, and being, fabulous at the wedding. A very naughty bit of me wants to suggest that, if you’re up for a bit of fun, you hire a rather good looking younger male escort to take to the wedding (but let your children in on the plan beforehand!)

You sound a basically happy and positive person who has had some sadnesses. You are quite entitled to be sad all over again at the end of your second relationship. You are still young enough to meet another partner (when is too old?) but for now concentrate on cheering yourself up with all your friends, interests and hobbies. Good luck!

The relationship you just had was necessary as to enable you to learn what you want and don’t want. I wish I had known that when I was going through what you are and I wouldn’t have felt the same as you. It’s just a process of refinement. One day you will be the one ending it and it will be easy because it’s right. I too felt ridiculously undeserving feelings of shame. For years !!! How stupid is that. I had no children , just my dog and work to get me up in the morning. I wish I could change the fact that I felt toxic shame that was never mine to feel in the first place.

You sound like a very busy person and bit by bit over time your mind will be filled with other things in your life. There are your children, grandchildren, a wedding, work, other folk you meet along the way. You will start to forget and move on. Do things that you enjoy and bring you pleasure and in being true to yourself you will find happiness, with or without a partner. Big hugs.

It sounds as if you have friends and family who love you and take most of your time but what about starting a new interest. Maybe a class in something you've always wanted to learn about. Wine-tasting? French? Pottery? A drama group? Meet some new people. You might find a shared interest leads to new friends and takes your mind off the fat cheat you are well rid of

Why do you want to set yourselves up with another fella?
I was married for 21 years, she divorced me. I literally walked to the end of her street and started laughing never stopped. Do I want another one.Been offered the lot on a plate many times. but not on your nelly.
Once bitten , twice shy

Thank you one and all for the messages which have made me laugh and cry today. Really helped... moment by moment.

I have to agree with other posters on here. At this point it needs to be all about you! From how you decorate, to what you wear, what you watch & read. Try and change your mind set, in little steps, to relish your freedom and peace. Happiness will follow. Enjoy your kids, your grandkids and your life - taylored to you for once. I am roughly the same age as you, and it it easy to become reliant on others for your happiness. I am one of the worst offenders! Love yourself and the rest will follow.

I know how you feel. It's like a bereavement. It will take a long time to accept and get over what has happened. As you say, you know in your head that it was a bad marriage, it's just convincing yourself that's the problem. You feel rejected and that I understand but there's nothing to blame yourself for. There's nothing wrong with you. I divorced my husband 32 years ago, a cheat and a compulsive liar as I found out over time. I never re-married but something, and I don't know what, keeps me longing for him and still loving him although I know deep down it can never ever be. He re-married, then divorced and lives only 4 miles away and been on his own for a number of years now. Still having stress with him now over the past. He can't let thing go and still does my daughters head in when she sees him. I tried to be friendly with him but because of all this I ended all contact with him and life has become easier. so what I'm suggesting to you is, although it's so hard, end all emails and contact with him if you can and you might be able to move forward. I also know that although that you have a close family and loving children, one can still feel lonely and that something is missing. You can't dwell on the past and what could have been. I'm sure you'll pick yourself up in time and who knows what around the corner for you. When you find Mr Right as many on Gransnet have, you won't give your ex a second thought. Who's to say that that the new wife is happy with him? He cheated on you so has he cheated on her? Keep looking forward ther's better times to come. Life is like a book, some chapters are sad, some are exciting, but if you never turn the page you will never know what the next chapter has in store for you.

Great post, annsixty!

Mary59, what an inspiring story!

Plumtree, I'm glad you're feeling better. I understand you feel as if you've "lost your identity," and that hurts. But now you have a chance to build a new id, one that's based solely on you and who you are and doesn't have to involve being in a relationship with a man. Maybe do some redecorating with your favorite color dominating. Watch all your favorite shows. Do you like to stay up late, get up early, go to bed early, and get up in the middle of the night? Eat sushi for breakfast or dinner out of a can? Do all that and revel in it! My point? Now you can do whatever you want, when you want, etc. without having to think of anyone else unless you choose to make plans with them or if it involves one of the big events coming up. That won't erase the loneliness you may be feeling entirely, but it will help you discover who you are on your own, without a man. Best of luck moving forward!

Thank you Starlady for your comment on my post.
Much appreciated ?

Be kind to yourself and go to that wedding looking a million dollars head held high any tears do them out of sight you will be strong again . A man has loved you and been in your life it will happen again be brave. X

Plumtree I feel for you. I was 'dumped' after 30 years. He suddenly realised he had never really wanted to get married, even though we had a great life together and a good relationship. It will take time but you can re-invent yourself, make the changes to your life you have always wanted. Book a holiday. There are many agents who arrange activity holidays for all age groups. Your younger man friend was a stepping stone to tell you are indeed an attractive, interesting lady. There will be another with more compatibility waiting for you to arrive in his life one day soon. But take your time and enjoy each day, whatever it brings. The past is gone now, you will always have memories, just hang on to the good ones and ditch the unpleasant ones. There are many more to be made. I wish you all the good luck that is coming your way.

"Just not who I was or want to be....that's the problem the loss of identity."

Exactly!
I recalled what I 'd been before I met him, and found plenty identity from there to be going on with. The time you spent being an adjunct of him was not misspent either because you are a learner and although it's painful the pain is not how you evaluate what you have and are learning.

Been there.......it will take some time, but you will get there

Get rid of that 'ex' out of your mind! I understand that 32 years is a hellova long time for you to be getting over. But ask yourself, do you still love him ...? I feel your answer would be, "No". Would you want him back ...? Would you want your latest lover back?
Take time to take stock! Take time for yourself.
I think that your pride has been hurt, not your heart! So just be honest with yourself.
It sounds as if you have lots of support systems around you - your children, work, hobbies, interests, etc. Take comfort in these.
Take time! Exhale!
You don't need another man at the moment. (Just more complications!)
Find you. Regather your strength and worth.
And I guarantee that in a year or so, you'll look back and wonder what all this 'sadness' was about. It won't matter!
Stay strong. You can do it!

A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.