Future daughter In law

It’s not worth creating issues in your relationship so early on!

A very difficult situation for you. They are just being plain rude to you. Set boundaries and refuse to pay. And Breathe Lots of sympathy for you.

Was this a wind-up? Why didn't Mommie6 at least reply?

I loved the story about the South African mother and arriving in full Zulu dress - wonderful!

I've never heard the like. Both my sons married and I believe they themselves paid for the weddings, which were proper dos but not astronomical. I gave them both presents; one, I bought a lovely painting from an old friend - I thought, they've been living together for two years, they don't need saucepans, I'll get them something unique which won't wear out. The other, I paid part of the cost of their honeymoon. Sounds most unreasonable to me. Don't put up with it.

Looks like Mommie6 has done a runner...

Incidentally, according to my calculator and my domestic oven, I would need 41.6666 bakings to create 6,000 cookies!
Making an oven's worth of cookies 42 times!
If I did 2 oven sessions a day, I would need 21 days to make them. That, of course means my normal meals have to be cooked around this marathon baking session. Also, I hope they freeze and thaw well...
Surely a Baker"s would be preferable? In taste alone?

Mommie6 if you still want help, please come back and clear up some details. Thanks!

I agree with all of the above. Family weddings often seem to cause some ill feeling. We weren't even invited to our son's wedding, they had been together for many years and wanted only their "closest friends", although there had been no falling out between us, and we had been generous to them. We were very hurt and said so. The marriage lasted 4 years.

*So I asked how many ppl are coming was told. “ our wedding is a need to know bases. You don’t need to know. But feel free to pay for more stuff“.*

I point blank do not believe that was said to you.

You have a choice. Be honest and get genuine help. Or waste peoples time by not giving the honest picture

Also 6000 cookies - tell her to get cooking!

She sounds very spoiled and disrespectful to me.
Ensure no money is given until you know how it will be spent or tell them that parents do not pay for sons' weddings only daughters'.
By all means make a contribution if you can afford it but I would cap it and make sure there is not a constant flow of cash.

Mommie6. Sorry again. I find myself confused! Not unusual for me though!
How was it that you were snubbed by the wedding party when going to the Shower?
I think many of us are puzzled concerning the background. Honestly I'm not being nosy! I want to try and help but keep realising that the circumstances are probably different from those I am imagining. Is the date soon? Do you live near the In-Laws? How did you see the wedding party at the shower and who were they that snubbed you? The bride, her mother and mother's friend? I am not quite sure why they are "the Bridal Party". Where were you at the time?
I apologise for being rather slow at understanding. It sounds very horrible for you. When you say "we" is that your husband and you, or your son and you?
I think you need some support. Your son, difficult though it may be for him, might have to speak up for you. They seem to be bullying you.
A bit more background, if you would be happy to give it, would really help us to think what you could do.
I am so sorry you are having this happen to you.

Well, Mommie6, you haven't come back yet but I hope you get the gist of the general feelings here. You are being taken serious advantage of by some very rude people. Keep hold of your wallet until you are given proper information. If they insist on this "need to know" nonsense, keep your wallet firmly shut!

Mommie6. Sorry! misprint - 6,000 cookies!!!!!! I am recoiling .

No!

Dear Nannan2. In my experience this is what is commonly now called a "red flag" for a certain type of controlling person who separates their partner from his/her family and friends. Your son might be experiencing other changes in his life and losses of control over his own decisions and what he does etc. I would advise that you just keep in touch with the same kind of messages and phone calls as always. Do not suggest that you are worried. Maybe say you'd like to see him as it's been a while, because that's a normal thing to say. But even if he never answers keep your messages going to him. He needs them. My experience is not merely personal, I was a Psychologist and Counsellor.
If there is nothing to worry about, despite the red flag, then your son still needs your messages! Wishing you much good news soon!

6000 cookies? Blimey!

Do they not realise you may actually have a life where there are other things that definitely take priority over endlessly baking bluddy cookies?

And sounds overall a bit pushy, IMHO.

In Britain its traditional for the Father of the bride to pay for the wedding and associated costs. That's what to tell her and her Mother.

Btw, if you don't know how many people are attending, you don't know how many bags to get do you.

Not sure about this post.

sarahcyn

Will anyone be able to dance after 6000 cookies I am hoping that was a typo.

Weddings, eh?!

I know it is ridiculous but I am still smarting fifteen years after one of ours....

We were very happy to be pay for the usual: dress, catered marquee wedding (big do) with drink overflowing but expected the 'other side' to pay for the standard car, flowers and photographer. Considering the scale of this event, it was relatively little but nope, not a penny was offered or given.

The smarting comes from the fact that the wedding was held in 'the other side's enormous grounds (OK, they contributed their garden!) but guess who was thanked during the speeches for the lovely affair and who took all the credit - whilst doing nothing and paying for nothing? Not us. Prepping things the day before - nope, it was me whilst they and their house full of guests scoffed our wine (stored in their house for the wedding) in the run up to the day - without asking. Grrr. Even picking up glasses etc., left around acres of grass the following day(s), barely one. Oh, wedding photographer? No, not a bean towards that, either.

I know you'll tell me to get a life but I can't tell my daughter or her lovely husband how upset I was (and still am). A third world problem. I know I need to let this go but it really does rankle.

I bet I am not alone and there are others who feel just as used and if Mommie 6 doesn't want to feel as I do years later, she should sit down with the 'other side' and try to discuss who should do what, pay for what and ask exactly how she is expected to make 6,000 cookies just before a wedding!

Mommie6 could speak directly to the other mother and try to form a relationship with her (although I did and it didn't work). Perhaps she'll be successful....

Dear Mommie6. I'm so sorry to hear how horrible these wedding plans are for you and how rude and selfish your future D-I-L is being and her mother. As for the "need to know basis'' expression, that would have pushed me over the edge. I think you can safely say that you are either fully included and given all the facts and a meeting held to discuss the plans or you are not prepared to pay anything at all.
When you said "get a dress" was that for the bride? Because the MIL does not buy the Bride's dress! Only under very different circumstances might it happen. This Bride-to-be has a family, she goes to them to buy her dress! These can cost £1,000 in the UK. Please - please do not agree to pay for anything, not to bake one cookie, until you are included in all the arrangements. And 1,000 cookies? Are you a professional cook/caterer? If not, tell her to go to one. The extent to which they are using you to fund this grand event makes it quite reasonable for you to be involved in the arrangements. And please learn to say "NO!" your son or not, you must start as you mean to go on. This girl is a very spoiled and 'entitled' girl. Show her now you are 1) not her wallet, 2) you are your own boss and 3) she/her family cannot order you around. Be commanding. Speak like a CEO. Have authority in your voice. Do not let them bully you. Make them aware that you are a person of stature with whom they cannot meddle and whom they treat with respect or do not get anywhere. If you do not feel like this (not many of us do) just pretend to be an important CEO and important authority figure type. People treat you how you teach them to - by the messages you give out. Do it calmly and quietly but very firmly. You do not take orders from them or anybody! It will be happier for you in years to come if she learns this from the beginning.

Btw, I am a widow. My three daughters and their husbands paid for their own Weddings. All I did was get my own outfit and buy their presents. They did not ask for a thing but I did bake cakes for my middle daughter as she did all her own catering. So you should not feel at all obliged to find all this money. Most young people fund their own Wedding these days. It is partly why they live together first and marry later! I realise that is not what everyone can do, but it does tell you that today, very many young people do not expect their parents to pay for their Wedding.

Does she say "Please? Thank you?"

Nannan, I was not being rude. If you look at some peoples comments there are some rude ones, such as Maxdecatt saying Mommie should tell them to get stuffed. You did not complain then, so why pick on me?

USA? Very probably. I'd just let them get on with it and let bride and your son pay for the shortfall.
Personally, with their attitude, I wouldn't pay for or bake anything. It's 2 people getting married, not a hundred other people who are only there for the food and drink.

"Mother son dance"?
What fresh Hell is this?

Im sure armed with all this gransnetters advice you can hopefully find a middle ground- try to have a lovely day whatever you all do.( oh and as a bunch of flowers is usual for BOTH mother of bride AND mother of groom,suggest you either both do without if theyre saving costs- or you BOTH recieve a small bunch rather than a big bouquet??)