Future daughter In law

A lot of couples these days do pay for a lot of, if not all, of a wedding as parents of the couple dont have as much 'spare cash' as they used to- or they contribute what they can- also means the couple can have whatever they like if theyre paying for it themselves

You don't mention whether you have agreed to pay anything or not. Nowadays most young people don't expect the parents to pay, and honestly in our culture it has always been the bride's parents who paid, not the bridegroom's.

If you are going to bake anything, you need to know how many people will be at the reception.

I think I would have a quiet word with my son and let him know that I was hurt by his future in-laws' attitude, but don't comment on his fiancée's rudeness.

I should also point out that my sons girlfriend makes sure that they DO bother with her family, on a regular basis, having them round & meals out with them etc.

For my DDs we allocated a sum (allowed for inflation as time difference between weddings) and let them get on with it. The amount would have funded a small wedding, medium if added to by the happy couple or sizeable if matched by the in-laws - or they could have eloped and used it towards a deposit. I was happy to help with making the cake, prepping favours, advice where asked etc but gave no more money than that promised. I don’t know why more people don’t do this - avoids being an interfering mother of the bride and the couple having to keep coming cap in hand for extras- also they get the day they want!

I'd get a baker to do 6000 cookies and give the family the bill or go halves. That is far too much to ask of anyone. Good luck

I get on with my DIL (wife of eldest son) but my middle child ( nxt eldest son) has moved in with a woman who we dont know so much( who seems a bit 'flaky') and shes already changed him from being a ' close to his family' type of guy to hardly bothering to ring/ txt/ visit any of us, even his siblings to whom he was very close previously- i shudder to think what will happen if he decides to marry her

I think you have 3 choices :

1. Lots of parents love to be involved in helping to organise a wedding . A willingness to pay something towards the wedding needs to " qualify " you for some input and involvement . Saying things like " need to know " basis and not telling you the expected numbers of guests sounds rather like your involvement is not wanted.

2. The story so far suggests that this is all proving quite upsetting for you. To avoid further distress you could offer to agree to pay a fixed sum with no strings attached - ie they can do with it what they like but they need to know that you are not getting any more .

You don't say when the wedding is expected - maybe there is time for positions and attitudes to change ?

It will be hard for you to back out of the specific request for the cookies but unless " hostilities " don't improve maybe you should consider rejecting any further requests and point out how hurt you feel by being excluded.

Having just seen my son get married to a wonderful woman, I can say that my experience was a good one.

I was asked to contribute, but I did so on my terms. I decided what I could and could not provide and when the request became too much I simply said it was not possible. There was no quibble, just understanding.

I suggest you tell them what is possible and what is not. If you give, you should give willingly and not be resentful.

It seems to me that from your post that whatever you do will not be enough, so you decide what you want to do. You will at least be happy with what you provided. xx

I believe some bakeries only produce 6000 cookies a day?- do you own one is that why they asked for this?

Are the couple very young? These days I think most couples like to arrange their own wedding. I think you should set an amount of money (and time if relevant) that you and your husband/ptnr are happy to put towards the event - and pretty much stick to that. After all it is them who want to marry.

It's your son's wedding too - equal blame I would say not just on DiL. Have a word (or 2!) with your son.

Quote
“Ooooo something similar happened at a relatives wedding a couple of years ago. Turns out it was all for show by a very manipulative female and a bullied male and the marriage only lasted just over a year.

Not before loads of money was spent by the groom’s family for the big do she wanted.

I hear she’s engaged again. ?
I think she likes the taste of wedding cake and the smell of money. ?”

I do like this post, I think is sums up the brides family so well, not a family I would want my son to be attached to.

Annaram1- we have been asked on here for our opinion and/or comments/ support by poster so its not ' interfereing' as you ( rudely) put it

Are you in USA? As i dont think we Brits do have a 'mother/ son' dance specifically- we do the married couple first dance,& i think possibly a father/ daughter dance? But a mother/ son one not widely acknowleadged here.Yes the posts are right- dont dish out money without you making any choices- its your sons wedding too- if their being 'traditional' the brides parents foot the bill- also, who the hell needs 6000 cookies for giveaway bags at a wedding? Only maybe Royalty? Or a filmstar? Id tell them ill buy the bags- 1 for each guest coming- as a wedding 'favour' ( you know like sugared almond giveaways?) But id need a list of guests coming so you know how many to get- also if the grooms mother 'doesnt need to know' then what kind of family is he marrying into? Then id order said amount of bags on amazon or a catering cash& carry then tell the bride& her family to feel free to make or buy the cookies themselves.And who'se the dress for? If its just yours then fine- but any brides/ bridesmaids dress is down to brides parents- if they want a big do then they should pay for it.Sorry but us Brits are straight talking mostly.Get them told

Poor you....! Tell them you will contribute but would like to know to what exactly, it's your money. Good luck!!

Really sorry to hear but I’ve found that after the wedding it just gets worse.I have three daughters in law,two who are lovely & the other is just plain awkward.Its quite upsetting as we are a close family but she is always trying to cause mischief between the rest of the family.We all try very hard but sometimes it’s like walking over broken glass,I love all my children & it makes life very difficult because it’s getting so that none of us want to socialise with her but we do it for our son.Weddings always seem to cause problems but if they want you to pay for things I think they should involve you in the preparations .They are being really selfish if they want you to help pay for things without having any input.

I’m so sorry for you, not easy being a MIL. I get on fantasticaly with my SIL but not so my DIL no matter how I try. Her mummy is the be all & end all I’m afraid. Her family only ones who matter, even my daughter & her family not welcome. In fact DIL asked if they needed to buy Xmas presents for our daughter & her children as she wanted to cut down & stop buying for distant family members.

It must be an American girl he is marrying. Where else do they think about cookies at a wedding?
Also we know it is American because the Mum part is spelt Mom.
This is an American wedding so really the rest of us are only interfering.

6000 cookies? Maybe they are only inviting a few guests and these are the Wedding Breakfast.

6000 cookies? Don't buy the Mother of the Groom outfit until you've finished baking. By the time you have sampled at least one from each batch to make sure they are good enough, you're going to need at least a size bigger!

If it is an American weding then you should know that it is like a movie production. Brides mother becomes Queen Bitch and expects all to obey. I know of one where a guy from South Africa married an American girl in the USA. The grooms mother received a detailed "You will" list telling her what to wear, who to speak etc. She ignored the "instructions" and (although she is a white South African lady) she and her daughter attended dressed in full Zulu chieftains wife and daughter robes . Arrived at the wedding and caused a sensation as all the guests and photgraphers clamoured to meet them and be photographed with them. Brides mother put firmly in her place! Became the wedding of the year in that city....with newspapers featuring pictures of the grooms mother, and not any of his new mother-in-law.

PS forgot to say - my friend now wishes she had spoken up sooner. She says that continualy swallowing her hurt feelings and saying nothing, just allowed the girlfriend to get away with treating them badly just made her more confident and behave even worse. Maybe you need to lay down some of your own ground rules before the wedding?

I agree with 25Avalon and Jaycee5 totally. You need to discuss this with your son and his fiancee, and state what you are able to do, and can afford to. If she is from another culture she may not realise that she's hurting your feelings as this could be a normal routine for her family. Try to keep it light hearted but be firm with your decisions. Good luck.

It's amazing how many stories I've heard of a pleasant girlfriend turning cold once the ring is on her finger! And then, the years of them being pushed out in favour of girl's family - especially when the children come along. And the sons are SO spineless - anything for a bit of peace. One friend whose son married such a woman 15 years ago has finally apologised to his parents, and told them that he plans to leave her as soon as the oldest one is in university. They're desperately hoping he sticks to his plan.

I was working full time when my children got married and making 6000 cookies would have been cloud cuckoo land. They are being very rude and unkind. You may just have to smile at Bridezilla and grin and bear it - or get a very busy job!