Future daughter In law

Start as you mean to go on let your feeling be heard Don't let them walk all over you by agree to do what they say or you will be doing it forever.SPEAK UP

Time to tell them to get stuffed.

What does it all matter? I had NO involvement in my sons wedding AT ALL. I went as a guest and we were left out of an important ritual before the ceremony. 16 years on they have three delightful children and are happily married. We are all friends.

This almost sounds as if you are being tested.
How many people could just make 6000 cookies?
I would just say, 'Sorry but I have worked out the logistics of that and I am not going to be able to do that particular task. Maybe we could have a meeting to discuss the jobs needed and we will work out what we are able to offer. Incidentally, in British culture it is usual for the parents of the bride to pay for the wedding but we are very happy to contribute and we will let you know how much when we have more details of the wedding plans'.
You have to stand up to bullying when it starts whoever is doing it. Is your son aware of any of this? It will be hard to bring him in because his natural instinct will be to protect his fiancé but maybe you could say to him 'sorry I'm not able to help with the cookies but I'm waiting to hear from X in what other ways I can help'. If you keep quiet she will be painting you as unhelpful and he won't know any better.

I would just stump up however much you wish to pay towards the whole affair, and let them find their own cookies and party bags.

Sounds like you have a Bridezilla and Momzilla that have been carried away by the moment.
How they can expect you to pay anything or even contribute in any way without allowing you to be involved is beyond me ! I'd be inclined to ring them and say that you don't make cookies and certainly not that many and unless you see receipts you will not be contributing as you are obviously not to be involved in any way. I think I would be inclined also to just attend the ceremony ( in the dress you had permission to buy of course) and then miss the wedding breakfast.
I feel quite sorry for your son, being connected with this completely rude family and just hope he sees sense before it is too late!

So glad our family is in the UK. Phew!

I think we can safely say this is an American wedding. all about the processional here in the dreaded and dreadful Brides magazine

You need to have a conversation. If it's bad now what's it going to be like after the wedding? I can see heartbreak coming your way. DIl is taking advantage and being abusive. Have a meeting with her and your son and discuss this wedding. If they want your help they need to open up and include you. If they don't want to do that opt out.

This is such OTT blatant rudeness and disrespect so it does not bode well for a long and happy marriage. Any man who would sit back and allow his parents to be treated this way, deserves what’s coming his way with this harridan of a wife and her family, who clearly endorse her behaviour.

Yes, simple.

Just say ‘no’. If you find that hard just make yourself uncontactable.

Personally if this had happened to me as you say I’d think it was a wind up.

6000 cookies ??

I’m finding this a bit hard to swallow.

I agree with Stella if I'm not to be included in the plans then I'm not funding the wedding either.

I just can't believe some people. With DS1, before any details were arranged, bride, bride's mum and I (groom's mum) sat down together and shared out the duties. We said we'd just keep all the receipts and divvie everything between the three of us (bride and groom, her parents and us). Her parents paid for the dress, the rest we split three ways.

DS2 didn't want anyone there at all. In the end 13 of us turned up. No rings, no flowers, no dresses (DS2 was barefoot as usual). Nice meal afterwards, the bride's father picked up the tab.

OP, I wouldn't know what to do in your situation. I would definitely tell your son your thoughts and hope the wedding gets called off. If your Dil-to-be is a nice girl really, perhaps she is being pushed by her family? No hope of confronting the mother, is there?

I also find the thought of them stressful Grandma2213
My niece is getting married soon and even my usually laid back brother is affected and rather tense.
But no no no Mommie6 you do not need to bake thousands of cookies or pay mountains of cash. Why would you?
As others have said, just smile.

Oh dear .. weddings... this is why I hate them. Only one of my DSs was married and it was to a lovely girl who included me and I even went on the hen night. It was a lovely day and I paid for nothing (except for my own outfit which was the most expensive thing I have ever bought) but I did pay for the honeymoon. I did dance with DS even though never before or since. Despite this the marriage only lasted 4 years.

All DSs are now on their second partners and I hope they are strong enough never to need weddings. I don't care if they quietly get married but just not with a wedding.

I think you should put your foot down and make it clear that if they want you to pay, then they have to include you in plans.

We were rather traditional and paid some of, not all of DDs wedding but nothing for our DSs. We paid towards their honeymoon which seemed enough. The couple paid for it themselves. The DGMs made the cakes and did the flowers.
Sounds like we got off lightly

Sounds like Mommie6 is SouthAmerican, the 'cookies', the mother/son dance? BIG WEDDING !! Who has 6000 cookies....I'm trying to work it out....6000 cookies @ 2 /3 pp....minimum 2000 guests. Only in places like S America, India etc do they have such big weddings.
Sorry, I'm being flippant....welcome Mommie6, tell us more.
My daughter-in-law's parents footed the Bill... I just made a minuscule contribution but bought the couple sone very nice gifts.

Well well a new poster with a daughter in law problem ? Even before the marriage
Welcome Mommie6 for this scenario in USA?
6000 cookies, that’s a lot of people showing up
Mother and son dance, never had that one, my son only danced with his wife
Ummm

I think she likes the taste of wedding cake
In this instance they must like cookies

Weddings!
?

Stressful occasions.
Smile.
Say as little as possible.

Good luck
X

Ooooo something similar happened at a relatives wedding a couple of years ago. Turns out it was all for show by a very manipulative female and a bullied male and the marriage only lasted just over a year.

Not before loads of money was spent by the groom’s family for the big do she wanted.

I hear she’s engaged again. ?
I think she likes the taste of wedding cake and the smell of money. ?

Welcome mommie6 if you are new.
Yes, kittylester I think this is mommie6's first post, so welcome mommie6 and good luck.

I'm sorry but if someone told me "you don't need to know" then I'd tell them " So I don't need to pay ".

This is so rude ! Is your son OK with the way she is talking to you ? If so I'd be telling both of them that you'll pay what you want to, if and when you are included in the planning.