New Relationship.

A lot of good advice here. I think it's wise to be cautious no matter how much time has passed since your wife died.

The age gap may not mean much to you at the moment at the start of what could be a new relationship, but in time it may well become an issue as you get older. I have seen it with a family member whose partner is 20 years younger than her. She is 61 and four years into the relationship the difference is beginning to show.

For example, she wants his company all day as she is retired, but he needs to work and she is left on her own much of the time - something she didn't 'sign up for' (her words). It doesn't help that she has no hobbies or interests or has tried to find something to do with her time.

Companionship at this stage is perhaps as far as you should go. Take your time, think about your future and how you would like/not like it to be. We can all make mistakes, but make sure this is a good risk before committing yourself to anything more.

BToldboy, I have sent you a PM

The right time for moving on is when it feels right for you. Having looked after many people, and their family, with cancer, for many years it became very clear that those who have, sadly, been bereaved often ‘move on’ in a way that appears quite rapid to others. I have come to the conclusion that once a chronic illness becomes incurable / terminal at a subconscious level the partner begins their grieving and so when their loved ones dies they are part way ‘down the road’. That in no way diminishes their love and devotion. I hope this makes sense and I wish you every happiness with both the dear memories you hold and future ones you will make.

Be careful and don't change your will.

I would have to advise you to be careful BToldboy.
After my Mother died an old friend of theirs appeared on the scene and within six weeks he had bought her a brand new car, they went on cruises but then she invited her brother and wife along and he paid for them as well.
Luckily, he came to his senses when she asked him for a huge amount of money for her daughter's business, he told her he wasn't interested in the "investment" and suddenly, she wasn't interested in him.
Make sure that it's you she's interested in and not your money or property.
Sorry to be a 'party pooper' but there are a lot of Gold Diggers around. Be careful.....

A relative, who was lovely, but naive, rushed into a relationship with a much younger man after her first love and husband of 40 years suddenly died. She was truly fleeced financially. Please be careful.

often men do feel the need to move on but find the grief hits them again later. take your time there is no rush

A lot of good advice here. I remember being 40 and a man of 74 for a partner would have been completely unsuitable.
Maybe you are in good health now but what if it fails? She may not be so keen on nursing you.
Nice to be friends with a young person but take it no further. Try and find someone around your own age. I hope all goes well for you.

don't become more than friends. you are in a vulnerable position at the mo.Men tend to rebound ,the age gap, have you got money? how do I know? ive been there,I was lucky good friends made me see sense. give yourself time there is a real freedom in being single,13 years and going strong!

In 6 years you will be 80 and she will only be 46 and in her prime.

I very much appreciate what has been said and written on my side of things but the majority of you have not taken into account the other side of the article that was intimated but not referred to. Now the lovely lady's side. I purposely only told you my side and wanted an untainted view which I got., some realized there is another side that I did not harp on about as it is personal and private to her. I shall fictionalise part the her incidents but the outcomes will be true. She like me ended up in two boarding schools, as I, we were both bullied but she was shunted out to make space for her Mum to do what she wanted. After school she was turfed out onto the streets and slept rough for six weeks and then moved in with her estranged father and got abused, She then made her way in the world and got on until an incident occurred, lets say a car accident where she was not in control, traumatised in emotional and physically way, was physically injured to which has endured to this day with PSTD flash backs but she is able to tell me and calm down. She has medication and Drs. This is just the tip on an iceberg and we have got close as we have been through similar experiences so it is not a normal boy girl falling in love syndrome which people think and I would not go there . There is no money talk except I buy things for her and she does the same for me, I am a caring man, I do not pity her or feel sorry for her which she does not want but I do care for her deeply and we came together years before I lost my darling wife but I could see through her front that she had put up. bless her. Now in a nutshell you know both sides to a meaningful relationship without revealing to much. Thank you.

Oh dear. I’m afraid you’ve just detailed some classic con techniques. You can find them with Google.

But you’re going to go ahead anyway, so enjoy it while you can...........

According to this story, she is estranged from her entire family. This means you have only her word for it. Perhaps you can check out her story when you meet her friends - at age 40 and separated from her family - she should have many supportive friends as proxy family. Have you met any of her friends?

Just a comment on her Mum, she has reunited with her Mum and I have known her Mum for a while. She regrets her past and they now have a loving relationship. She is over the moon that her daughter has found someone she loves and trusts. The lovely lady has many friend has many friends and I have met some.

I hate to sound cynical too, but I'd take things very slowly.

Sadly we hear many stories of the grief-stricken being easy 'prey' for manipulative others. It's very convenient isn't it that she has told you she prefers the company of older people? Hmmm. That just doesn't ring true somehow.

I can appreciate you enjoying her company and feeling happier for being kept busy by her, but I would keep an open mind and try to work out if she is rushing you into being her significant other.

I know a young man who inherited a large sum of money. He'd not had a proper relationship, ever, yet he became very popular with women not long afterwards for some strange reason and to his friends' despair lavished money on an unmarried woman and set her up in a lovely new house. He found out a year later she was seeing other men, and she refused to leave the house he'd provided for her.

Just tread carefully. There are charlatans out there and they come in many 'loving' guises. (I do hope I am wrong by the way, but if you were my relative I'd still be warning you of rushing into anything with a much younger woman.)

You seem pretty assured of her credentials, just unsure of the timing. Life is short, so go for it.

I don't think the "other side" of the story actually makes any difference to the comments made so far? Her history doesn't say anything about what your needs and goals will be going forward, nor what her needs and goals are now. Time and patience will be your friend. Time to get to know her, and patience with yourself as you get to know the new you.

Sorry, but I still think this woman is using you; she's 40, you are 74; to give her the benefit of the doubt, she maybe sees you as a father figure, and as such is emotionally attached to you, but it is highly unlikely she sees you in a romantic light. As long as you bear that in mind, enjoy the relationship, but be mindful that she could be taking advantage of a very vulnerable man. She certainly wouldn't be the first!

I have been widowed 18 months now and one day I think yes Ibwould like a new partner and the next I think no.
Really all I want is friendship so joined a couple of dating sites. Men’s minds work diff to women. While woman want friendship and companionship
most men think with whats in their trousers!! As soon as thevtexts turn to sex I block them. My children think I should move on but I def don’t want anyone moving in with me. I am 73 but young for my age. I have got a couple of men friends. Widowers and they agree with me. - . I’d love to know others points of view.
Obviously I have really sad days and on those days I just let the tears flow - but other days I remember the good times we had - nobody can take my
Memories away. Trouble
Is I live in small village in Somerset - I was born and bred in West London and still think like one !!!

My earlier reply remains the same.

Some posters on here have referred to dating sites to meet new people. I've always thought that the best way to meet new friends, possibly with a view to a relationship, is to join club. groups etc that have the same interests as one.

As regards the age gap, which is rather large, I regularly comment on the relationships between aging rock stars, such as Mick Jagger and their young wives. My attitude is "can't they see that the women are only with them for their money/status etc" his is "he's enjoying himself so why shouldn't he". I don't suppose that BToldboy is a Mick Jagger.

A word of warning about finances - a friend's mother died after more than 50 years of marriage. His father remarried fairly quickly to a woman he'd known in his youth. It was generally believed that he wanted someone else to look after him. He didn't make a will and took the view that she would "see his children right". He died and she kept everything. She wouldn't even let my friend have family heirlooms that she had no interest in.

My deepest condolences, BToldboy on the loss of your DW (dear wife). I understand your wanting to move on with someone who "seems to make the grief less," and don't think it's anyone's business to object, including your SDs. However, I think it's 'normal" for them to fear you're forgetting their mum, and I agree with the poster who said you should reassure them.

Also, grief, as you may know, has several stages. As you go through each stage, you may feel differently about your younger friend and may treat her differently. That, in itself, is a reason to take things slowly.

I take it you and she have been good friends for years, so I doubt she's just being a golddigger. However, one can't be sure, Imo. I don't generally have a problem with large age differences if both people are adults. But I still feel one needs to proceed cautiously if the gap is wide. And I definitely think this is true in your case.

Timing is not your strong suit, I'm afraid, given your 11th hour marriage that wills mentioned. Another reason to be careful, Imo.

There seems to be an assumption that your SDs are in your will. Are they? If so, I would resist any effort to influence you to change it. And if you want them to get the house, eventually, it might be a good idea to give it to them now, with the understanding (in writing) that you get to live there for as long as you live (which I hope will be a very long time).

Also. people. I want to express my sympathies for everyone here who has become widowed or has lost a parent, as well as for those who have been or saw a relative being fleeced.

I think Btoldboy has had enough advice here to be able to judge for himself how to manage this relationship, but I would like to stress one, very important thing.

In my life, I have, on several occasions been friendly with someone 40+ years my senior. On one occasion the man was newly widowed.

At NO TIME had I any a ulterior motive but to help, comfort and be there for someone deeply distressed or sick.

In all cases this was appreciated by the person concerned, though I do know that once the daughter felt I was 'after his money'. Laughable really as I probably had more than him

The point being that I am surely not the only woman in the world prepared to help friends, of any age, who are in need.

To the cynical who spoke so disrespectfully of this lovely lady :: Honte à celui qui y voit du mal

Actually I think the second part of your story makes me all the more cynical
I m not sure why you asked for advice because you know what you want and you know what you are going to do and have known for a long time