My DH is turning into a little old man.

My husband passed away last year in March: I miss him so much. He was just 60. His health had taken a major turn down in 2016. I was by no means the perfect carer and wife first as I too have my own health problems.

Even without those health problems its 7/24 and its exhausting mentally and physically.

It was hard work and exhausting. I didn't realise how much so until after he unexpectedly passed last March.

My husband had complex medical needs however it wasnt expected. We knew he wasn't going to live until a ripe old age. However no one expected it this soon.

I think alot of where you are is fear based and what I call living grief as you are preparing for a stage in your life we think will never come. You know its going to be hard.

I think it's perfectly natural to feel like this. I doubt it's your husband you feel resentful towards. We always need to attach it to someone.

It's more about being resentful at the situation and at the back of resentment is fear for what the future holds.

Get involved with your local carers group anf contact Age Concern to see what help and support they can give practically and emotionally.

Who cares for the carer? So grab any support you can

Having a close friend in a similar situation will be a huge support.

Spent the best part of eight years as my husband's carer until his death three years ago. It wasn't fun and I hope I never have to do anything like it again. But it wasn't all awful, and I managed. You will too.

Things do look dark and scary but you do cope and it all just becomes a way of life though for the last 17 years of my marriage I didn’t feel like his wife, it was more like his mum or his carer.
He died when I was 52. Can only have widows allowance for a year ellan so I’m very worried how I’m going to cope after that finishes, not able to work because of my own disabilities now.
Best of luck Moore’s, hope you’re able to get some help as well

I find it helps to write down the problems and make plans to help them.
Also I would encourage him as much as possible to be independent and maintain his balance.
See if there is a class nearby or ask for a physio referral.
Is there someone who can sit with him while you can go out ?
Ah life's challenges!

Sadly personalities change when one gets a serious illness. My BIL had Parkinsons and in the later stages developed the associated dementia. He and his wife had been married for 50 years and seemed perfectly happy. In the last year or so, when she had to take over financial matters, he found that difficult to deal with and would insist at looking at the bills and then hiding them so that she wasn't always able to pay them on time. She had been a stay at home mum and lacked confidence (to scared to learn to drive for example) but as he deteriorated she became stronger. On our occasional visits, which she looked forward to, he frequently told her to shut up during conversations and that she was thick.

My husband is 7 years younger than his brother and developed shingles earlier this year. He is in pain and the meds don't always work. I tell him that it can take a long time for the nerve endings to heal but he can't accept that. There is not a lot he can do about that as it's not a question of mind over matter. I have to confess that I'm getting a bit fed up with it - if I make suggestions I get shouted down. I also think that men make much worse patients than women.

You can join Carers support groups and they can give you excellent advice also as a bonus.you will then cope better I'm sure.

This post couldn’t have appeared at a better time for me. I am in a very similar position. I love my partner of some 35 years dearly but there are moments when just for a moment I feel resentful. Thank you to everyone for their advice.

I am in a very similar position with my DH. I hate it.

When you are married, one of you is going to end up caring for the other one...

Is he having any treatment for his leg condition? A physiotherapist might be able to help with his gait

yes,it's difficult.My husband was unable to walk from the age of 73,our lives changed completely,I'm 15 years younger than him.he finished up in a care home,which some people judged me for,but it wasn't my decision.We had a couple of quite nice years,I could take him out in a wheelchair,then he got lung cancer,and died last May.We have to cope,though it doesn't seem fair ,it was a struggle trying to be his carer,I feel cheated out of some nice years that we should have had together.Good luck moores,it's difficult whether you had separate social lives or did everything together.

It's so hard when one has health issues, my OH has MS and PMR and somedays I feel burdened with his problems. I do feel for you but I know you'll get through it. Don't give up your hobbies, make sure you make time for yourself. I think looking at the problems from the outside is so different from being the person locked in. Only recently my husband say that he did not want to be defined by his diagnosis and now he seldom mentions it, unless he has a very bad day. Enjoy the good days. all the best

So sad to hear these stories. As I have mentioned in the past, my lovely husband got Alzheimers at 72. He went downhill very rapidly, and became almost blind, He was very suspicious of me, although I had always been a loving and loyal wife. He openly and loudly accused me in restaurants of poisoning the food and would not eat it. I looked after him at home until his stroke, when he spent 2 months in one hospital and a year and 3 months in another before they sent him to a home. I always visited him for 5 hours every day. He was not the man I had married, seemed to hate me. When he died and the home rang me to tell me, I cried for a while, but then felt great relief. I am lonely and any sorrow I feel is for the lovely husband I lost to Alzheimers.

My husband's friend had an aunt who had Alzheimers and thought it was 40 years ago. He is very annoyed with a neighbour whose wife has Alzheimers and has gone into a home. "Why?" he said, "Just because she thinks it is 40 years ago? " I was seething as I knew he must have thought that of me. He seldom visited my husband in hospital or the care home, and when he did my husband never spoke, as he had lost the ability to speak after the stroke. I told my husbands friend all about how Alzheimers really is. It is a disaster.

Having just lost my lovely husband after nearly 67 years of happy marriage, and caring for him during the last four months of that, when he became really ill, I can understand how it feels. Looking back, he became ill long before any of us realised we just thought it was old age creeping on, and the fact that he had had a successful triple by-pass in his sixties might be having an effect on his aging, however I now know that it was a slow deterioration in both our life-styles and just one thing after the other kept rearing it's ugly head. When Parkinsons was officially diagnosed we thought we could cope with that, but the bladder cancer which was hiding behind all the other things finally took over, and made him totally reliable on me, we did have carers, but what old man who does not feel well, wants a young woman to come into their bedroom/bathroom, and wash and dress them in the most intimate of ways? He was eventually hospitalised for a couple of weeks and when it was obvious there was nothing more to be done, the NHS paid for him to go into a nursing home which was lovely, The brightest of rooms with caring staff for 3 days, the end of a life which was so full of fun, laughter and caring about the community in general. I had no words to say at his cremation, except he was kind, he was caring, and I loved him to bits.

So sorry, Moores you will somehow find the strength you need you have no alternative. Before this sort of thing happens you think, 'I'd never cope with that' but you somehow do - you keep on moving the goalposts.
If there is an organisation which deals with his condition please use them as they know all the little ins and outs that you don't and will be a great help.

I'm a "caree" and my lovely husband has been looking after me for about 27 years after I became ill with a chronic illness. I'm 70, he's 73. He does all the shopping, cooking, cleaning (LOL his idea of cleaning isn't mine!!!) and generally helping me. Does all the driving too. And gardening.

I like for him to get out and do his own thing as much as possible. Our summer hols he races the family boat with one of our daughters and friend, and takes the grandkids sailing on it too. Goes out when he can to local music stuff (punk/rock'n'roll!).

We try to get at least one belly laugh at something silly a day. We watch a load of TV together that I'm sure neither of us would have watched back in the day. We're both hooked on Morse, Lewis, Endeavour and Vera.

I'm so grateful to my dear hubby that he is happy to share what we can together, even if it's "only" TV.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say here! I think maybe that there's something you can share even if you can't do stuff together.

Being a "caree" can be difficult too. Hubby has never made me feel a burden, though obviously I am in terms of how much he has to help me with. But we rub along together, and we still have fun together.

I broke my arm and shoulder whilst out for my 10,000 steps. I was sent to the NHS balance tests and passed as normal. It was just an accident. However I decided to improve my balance by going to tai chi. It's pretty good and you soon learn to balance on one leg.

I feel for the OP. My partner has lived full time with me since his retirement. Due to a back problem that can't be improved he has drawn more and more into himself. His mobility isn't very good but he won't even try to live a normal life. Every day and at every opportunity he talks about his condition. He has told me he won't renew his passport, won't go on any more cruises or coach trips and next year he won't be going on any holidays at all. He doesn't want to drive anywhere for a change of scenery and a cuppa somewhere.
He has made it clear that in his opinion this doesn't affect me at all.

My friend (in a neighbouring LA) has struggled this past year after her husband's dementia diagnosis, but they are receiving excellent support, both financial and regular visits from health care workers. It seems a model of good practice, but clearly it's not across the country.

He attends a memory clinic and has been prescribed a drug which hopefully will arrest the memory loss or at least slow it down. It's normally given later, but after discussion with the specialist they decided to accept her recommendation and start the meds. earlier.

He has a support worker who calls or rings to check on his progress. She is very capable of taking care of the home and, in fact it's spotless, so they don't need that kind of help yet. She's been told there is money should she ever need a cleaner or feel she can't cope with jobs which have traditionally been done by him, e.g. cutting back the hedges.

She has a 'carer' too. A lady who rings to ask how she's feeling/coping. She's been offered aromatherapy to give her some time for herself out of the home.

Nothing can take away the pain of watching someone you love deeply being slowly taken away from you, but I'm sure it's a lot easier with support. I think the plan is to allow people to remain in their own homes longer with support and in their case it's working.

It would be nice to think others had this kind of care too.

I do admire you all. What great caring wives. I could never have done it. No wonder he left me. He probably realised he had chosen the wrong one. He has remarried and I hate to admit it, but she is a good wife. She is 10 years younger and, recently,when my Ex fell ill, she came up trumps.
Good luck to all you lovely ladies

AgeConcern run excellent (and very cheap) strength and balance classes. The oldest lady at the one I go to is 99! I find the classes very helpful with general fitness as well.

Well ageing is going to happen to all of us isn’t it? And that is what we signed up for all those years go at the altar - the “better or worse” , the “in sickness and in health”
However it doesn’t sound as if your DH has lost his mental faculties, and giving up driving is not that unusual - my OH gave up a good 6 or 7 years before he died aged just 70 as dizzy spells and paroxysmal atrial fibrillation could strike at any time and he was not prepared to risk having or causing an accident.
You will rise to it - those of us who have undertaken the care of a terminally ill or declining DH will attest to finding strengths we never knew we had. I always thought personal care would be the “deal breaker” but when it came to it - so what
Don’t despair!

It's hard I know, but you will cope, because of what you had and were and are at where you are now. As a widow I now know there is always a price for love, mine dying too young, but I wouldn't change that happiness we had when young, for the pain at the end we both had. We are all stronger than we think. So are you.

Short of leaving him, which I would hope is out of the question, you will just have to suffer it. Your husband didn’t ask for it to happen. I’ve been caring my husband since 1983 when he was partially paralysed in a road accident, I had 3 young children at the time, he’s 72 now. It’s not pleasant but for your own sanity try to take every day as it comes. None of us knows what the future holds. Now we have to muddle through together as I’ve been diagnosed with fibromyalgia. If I didn’t take one day at a time things would look pretty bleak for the future.