Outside, looking. In

When we visit DS and family 200 miles away we stay with the 'other ' grandma. Chatting this weekend, she was commenting she sees less of our grandchildren than she did before they went to secondary school. But she just takes that as normal. She has a busy life, a boyfriend, and her car is now all her own. She gets rung at least once a day by one of the family, and just assumes that it normal.

A parent's job is to bring their children up to be independent and stand on their own feet. I have found the more I keep a proper distance from my children, the more I see and communicate with them.

social media etc won't work with my son, as he rarely replies. I am pretty sure it's an actual deliberate policy of his rather than just being short of time.

So sorry to hear about those dss and dds who only contact their parents when they need/want something. I see mine on holidays, do some babysitting, but mostly manage to keep in touch through fb. Have any of you tried that? Idk if I'd have as much contact otherwise.

For me it’s the feeling of being redundant, no longer needed, that I find most hard to accept, although of course I know it’s perfectly natural that they all have their own lives, partners, children etc and that’s exactly how it should be. Indeed I’ve been warning my husband for the past few years that the time will come when they don’t want to come over for mum’s roast dinner and family get-together every Sunday because they have other things to do. But now it has happened I am shocked by how bereft I feel, it’s as bad as when my eldest daughter emigrated to the States. Almost feels like a bereavement- but then I talk to friends who really do have something to complain about, have had devastating things happen to them, and realise how incredibly lucky I really am. As so many others have said, you just have to find other things to enjoy and make new friends to enjoy them with! Hey ho, onward and upward....

Cosmos
Harris

Just like to add independence and finding time to spend with someone arnt mutually exclusive!!

Too busy is an excuse not a reason!

I spent my whole childhood feeling as if I was on the outside looking in despite loving parents and a large close family. I came to the conclusion that the problem lay with me and not them and I have never had reason to change my mind.

Since marrying someone on the same wave length as me, and having children who are also on the same wave length as well. I have never had that feeling. DC do not live close (100 & 200 miles away respectively) but we are in contact one way or another almost every day. We have just returned from 4 days with one, about to spend four days with another but I was still was on the phone to DD for nearly 2 hours last night sorting our the housing development plan for her town.

We are an opinionated talkative bunch.

I would hate the fact that mine looked out for me as a sense of duty,they keep in touch on a regular basis because of our close family ties and love shown on both sides.
My ACs call in as and when they want to and I understand there are times they are busy with their families/jobs etc and I would hate to think any of those suffered because they felt a sense of duty.

I don't think there is anything wrong with ACs looking out for their parents out of a sense of duty. After all, how many of us never got up several times in the night to see to a crying kid out of a sense of duty when inside we were wishing the heck they'd let us sleep? If we all only did things and saw people because we felt like it society would fall apart.

I brought my two sons up to be independent from an early age, realising that children don't belong to you, only on loan. If they go confidently out into the big wide world, make a good life for themselves and their families, then my job has been well done. I have always impressed on them that I never want them to visit or call, because they feel a duty to. I want to see them when they are happy to see me. So no obligation to them. Luckily I do see quite a lot of them and I'm sure it's because I never put pressure on them to visit. I can then not feel guilty and know they are there because they want to be. It makes a lot of difference to a good relationship to discuss it so everyone knows expectations.

Dragonfly and Sharon - yes, perhaps I should tell them . About 2 years ago I went Christmas shopping , taking the bus instead of the car. One daughter whom I hadn't seen for weeks popped in and of course , no Mother . Hysteria broke out involving the other daughter and my immediate neighbour - but it was clearly marked on my calendar !
Dolcelatte - I might have to change it to evenmoretiredoldwoman !

tiredoldwoman - go for it and let your family know! It doesn't do to be too dependent on our AC. And please change your user name to something more positive to mark this change in approach.

Good for you tiredoldwoman. I would tell them, it might get them thinking and yes I agree, they always think we should be tied to the house. I know with mine especially my daughter that if she phones when I'm not in, I get' where have you been?'

tiredoldwoman good for you - you go for it!
I always find that it is when I am out and about without telling anyone my AC choose that time to phone and are astonished I am not at home where I should!

I wanted to go to a local Farmers Market today and asked my daughter is she would like to come , she just said no, she was busy . This came as no surprise , I don't know why I asked . I went myself and it was great , came home with a treat for myself then a new friend texted asking me out on a date . Usually I would have recoiled in fear but I said yes .
So FNHI , I'm going to be a yes girl instead of waiting at home hoping that the family will want my company !
Do I tell them about my date ? I think not , they might not approve as old mum is not where they expect her to be ?

My grandchildren range between 20 and a new baby, with five in between. I seldom see my eldest granddaughter, I send her an occasional text, and she replies, but I have absolutely no complaints, I wouldn’t expect anything else, we live 100 miles apart, and when we do catch up, it’s lovely. She knows we love her, and are always here if she needs us, but that’s life, it’s good that she’s independent

Sorry your feeling down Cosmos, agree with a lot of poster weekends & bank holidays do seem to hit it home when we feel like this. I try to think what I was like ie working and ferrying children to their various activities while also maintaining the home, but it doesn’t make it easier.
? For you

Have to agree with dragonfly 46 Sheilasue your post doesn’t help Cosmos or anyone else who feels like this.

I do feel very lucky to have seen one small GD this week and therefore seen DS and DIL picking her up but this is the exception now. When I ask what they have been doing, the list of work plus extra activities leave me feeling exhausted. One of them is doing two jobs plus lots of running around with DGC. I certainly don't feel unloved but you do have to come to terms with seeing them less as the GC get bigger and the AC get more demanding jobs. to everyone feeling Sundayish.

Sheilasue I don't find your post very helpful. It just rubs in what the OP is missing!

Harris27

Not meaning to gloat. My dd lives around the corner from us, we don’t invade her privacy but we are very close. She texts every morning when she goes to work, and phones us every night to ask how our day went. We go shopping together once or twice month and have some catch up time. She is very close to her niece our gd, who lives with us and they go on holiday together once a year.

It's defiantly a Sunday thing and any other 'holiday looming time' thing . Sorry for any of the gransnet feeling like this, I'm in the same position with my 2 AC and I've just accepted it as it is. The joys of independent capable adults from the little dependant demanding babies they once were I suppose. Happy Sunday ladies, make hay while you can

I wasn’t fortunate to be able to have children. Of course makes me very sad but sometimes I read the posts on here I realise things could be worse ,having a family that ignores you .

Cosmos - I know exactly what you mean. I spent 21 years looking after my two before the second one left home and I felt lost. A couple of years later my daughter came home pregnant. To cut a long story short, I took on the full time care of my baby GD and my daughter soon moved out but stayed local so we could all see each other regularly for the next 12 years. Three years ago my DD moved 700 miles away (to Shetland). Now, after living with me full time for 15 years, my DGD has decided to abandon her GCSE courses, friends etc and has moved to live with her mum, so seeing either of them is going to be a rare treat. I admit the teenage years have not been easy, but I just feel totally lost without my DGD, who I obviously love dearly and I was gutted when she recently announced that she doesn’t like living with me anyway!
Now my son and family including my 5 year old DGS are in the throes of moving from a mere 60 miles away to the Netherlands, so suddenly none of my family will be within easy reach. I have no brothers or sisters so no extended family and I am beginning to feel very unwanted!
I have a long term friend who isn’t the least bit sympathetic (think he was a tiny bit jealous of DGD) towards me and can best be described as a grumpy old man. Life isn’t going to be much fun without my family, though I suppose we only see my DS and family a few times each year, but I had planned to spend more time with them now my GD has left, but that isn’t going to be possible now. I don’t travel well and don’t even have a passport atm.
I’m having yet another birthday this week and feel the future is a bit bleak to say the least. At least I’m spending my birthday and Easter weekend with my DGS, so that is something to be looked forward to.

ReadyMeals what a shame about your son! It must feel like you had to pay for his time and attention.

Cosmos, I know exactly where you're coming from, I think it is more common than we know.