Gransnet forums

Relationships

Outside, looking. In

(55 Posts)
Cosmos Sun 14-Apr-19 04:02:36

It's awful when you raise a family, to come to the conclusion you are not really a part of it any more. I think with generally, longer life expectation now, they outgrow you. I know lots close families however that actually enjoy each other's company.😐

GrandmainOz Sun 14-Apr-19 04:33:40

cosmossorry you're feeling this wayflowers

rosecarmel Sun 14-Apr-19 05:34:44

I understand - It's an odd phenomenon that sometimes seems to happen for no specific reason and/ or progresses so slowly one doesn't take notice until one feels the distance, as if on the outside looking in -

Families go through phases, I think - Families that I knew at one time to be close over the years drifted apart - As an observer, I'd consider myself on the outside of families other than my own ..

Toss a pebble into water, it creates rings that increasingly drift further from the center - People do the same - My grandparents were the center, then my parents the next ring, then me and my siblings - By the time our kids were big, the distance between us had already increased by leaps and bounds - Quite a departure from being one on top of another, as a growing family, in my grandparents tiny flat .. smile

BradfordLass72 Sun 14-Apr-19 07:40:00

I'm sorry you're feeling sad. Have you told the family how you feel?

Some wise person once told me that children are on elastic when they are born.
The elastic keeps them close to you but as they grow and pull on it, it gets slacker and slacker until eventually, it no longer pulls them back to you.

I've read so many stories like yours on GN and it's sad but it seems to be what families do.
And didn't we bring them up to be independent and look after themselves?

Then there's the other side - grans who feel they are used by their families as unpaid babysitters.

We can't win eh? smile

Cosmos Sun 14-Apr-19 08:22:37

No you can't win Bradford Lass. We try to give them confidence, to be honest and work hard and attain their goals, then they do and fly off. No good them seeing you when it's a chore, I do have a busy life and try to try and do new things.

LuckyFour Sun 14-Apr-19 09:48:58

Saw them all the time when the children were little. Now they don't need baby sitters we hardly see them. I'm not bitter just disappointed to just see them when they're doing their duty.

grandMattie Sun 14-Apr-19 09:53:09

I'm not that close to my DCs. I was very distant from my siblings and [late] parents for many reasons, some of them geographical.
We brought up our DCs to be independant, good citizens. If it means that they are geographically distant, there is little we can do - though we wish they were in touch more often. We also brought them up not to feel responsible for us; that was our business; they werre to look after the next generation.
One reaps what one sows; though I wish I saw more of the DGCs

dragonfly46 Sun 14-Apr-19 09:54:04

I know what you mean Cosmos but I find although my DC live some distance away they still phone and keep in touch in other ways. Do you not have any contact at all?
I have found the upside is that I no longer have to worry about their day to day problems.
I don't see them as often as I would like but we cant have it all ways. The families who see a lot of each other live in the same area and can just see each other for short periods of time - I envy them but by moving around a lot we did not give our DC roots so they spread their wings.
I am sorry you feel like this.

Allykat1946 Sun 14-Apr-19 09:57:15

I fully understand.. I find the same with my family of 5 children, my youngest seems to be close to me but the others not.. they have their own lives, children etc and the days go by so quickly that weeks and months can go by and life goes on, but they soon get in touch when they want something... I guess that's life...

Theoddbird Sun 14-Apr-19 09:58:33

Cosmos I so understand this...sighs

Gma29 Sun 14-Apr-19 10:06:27

I’m fortunate that I do still see some of my family regularly, but I do empathise, as I have spells when I wonder what I’m for anymore.

CarlyD7 Sun 14-Apr-19 10:07:23

I think back to the days when we lived just a few streets away from my grandparents and saw them all the time (at least once in the week and then we all got together for a roast dinner on Sunday). It was Norman Tebbitt in 1981 who told people to "get on their bike and look for work" which, of course, meant lots of people leaving the communities they'd grown up in and moving away. I don't think that most families have ever recovered that closeness we once had.

CarlyD7 Sun 14-Apr-19 10:09:49

Funnily enough, I visited a friend yesterday - her husband was on the phone to one of their sons (they have 3). he finished the call and I said "nice of him to give you ring" and he replied "oh, he had an agenda; they always have an agenda!" Oh dear.

Harris27 Sun 14-Apr-19 10:15:30

I feel the same thought we'd always be like the waltons!but no they only need us when they need us not really acceptable but I will have to get used to it! Just realised none of them coming Easter Sunday so I'll make other plans too sad really.

Starlady Sun 14-Apr-19 10:18:44

But that's just it, Carly, it's the change in the times and the way things are done. It's not any one person or family (unless there's an estrangement).

Then again, there were probably always some birds who flew farther from the nest than others. Imagine how some moms must have felt when they had a son who went to "seek his fortune!"

Anyhow, sorry you're feeling badly about this, Cosmos. But glad you have your own life to keep you busy. I'm sure your dc think of you with love.. They're just being the independent people you raised them to be.

But does no one find they can keep in touch with their dc on fb? I find that's the best way.

Chinesecrested Sun 14-Apr-19 10:23:06

Make the most of your hard won free time! Hobbies, trips out, holidays?And there's always FB, Skype and Messenger.

ninathenana Sun 14-Apr-19 10:46:16

I too empathise with OP.
DD moved to Germany when she married a squaddie at just 19. She was full of confidence about it. I was proud that we'd raised this young woman.
She has since lived in various places in UK. during which time I would receive the occasional text to tell me about something that had happened never just "hi, mum, how are you"
Due to circumstances she has been living with us for the past few months which has been lovely but she is planning to move north in August. So it will be back to a text every 2-3 wks.
Our son however, will be with us for the foreseeable future due to him being diagnosed with ASD.

ReadyMeals Sun 14-Apr-19 10:47:03

CarlyD7 - exactly what you said! And the distances travelled for work are a huge factor in transport and road congestion. And the older relatives left behind then become a "drain" on care resources. It was kind of an own goal, looked at a few years down the line.

Dawn22 Sun 14-Apr-19 10:50:50

This l think is a sort of Sunday morning way of thinking. The more you love them as children the harder it is to let them go. But go they must. Of my 3, two are living very very far away and one is nearer. I do WhatsApp but it is never the same. Most days l hear and see my next door neighbour s children and grandchildren coming and going constantly. For some odd mid life reason it can sometimes upset me. Take care everyone. Dawn.

red1 Sun 14-Apr-19 10:54:37

close knit families these days seem to be a rare thing.sorry you feel this way.I found that i had to make new friends,it
took time but im getting there!

Jane10 Sun 14-Apr-19 11:00:35

I dread that visiting me or inviting me round becomes a chore or a duty. Right now I see my ACs and DGSs at least weekly and we have a WhatsApp group so text pictures and messages. We're all going on holiday together in the summer.
However, since the wee boys went to school I don't see as much of them. There's homework and after school activities etc. I'm just happy to see them when I can.

ReadyMeals Sun 14-Apr-19 11:23:37

Jane10, my daughter visits all her relatives from a sense of duty, and of course enjoys some of them too, and I'd rather that than my son's way which is that he won't bother visiting anyone who doesn't gratify him in some way. He stopped his 10 minutes a month visits to me when I stopped offering him money each time he came. His grandmother who is just up the road from me still receives visits as she still gives him something each time. I've not seen him in about two years even though he pretty much passes the top of my road every month. I feel somewhat reassured to know that whether she enjoys my company or not, my daughter will continue to make quality visits to me until I die, as I have already seen her do so to other relatives and friends.

FNH1 Sun 14-Apr-19 11:23:37

make a new life for yourself and do it as soon as possible. Join things. Think about what interests YOU and do it. Spend what money you have on yourself and live the rest of your life to suit yourself. I can't remember who said it but it's good advice. Success attracts success and if you are doing interesting things your family might open their eyes and look and in the meantime you will be having fun. Beats sitting in the armchair with a cup of tea. You don't have to spend lots of money to get out there. You just need a new circle. You aint dead until you're dead.

Emelle Sun 14-Apr-19 11:57:09

FNH1 - I agree with you that we should make a new life for ourselves and enjoy this time. for. We worked hard at bringing our three up and tried to give them the very best start in adult life. With their careers and families, we have definitely (and rightly) slipped down their list of priorities. Our DDs particularly seem to contact us when they need help. It did upset us but over the last 12 months, we have accepted the situation and really started to make a new life which includes lots of walking and enjoying meals out which we could never afford when the family were at home. Funnily enough, one of the DDs is comments on this and seems to resent us spending our money rather than saving it for her and her family but does now make more of an effort to keep in touch.

Cosmos Sun 14-Apr-19 12:01:45

FNHI what true words.
Ready meals, I am so sorry your son
passes so close and doesn't call in. I would be terribly hurt and then I would think and try to do as FNHIbsaid.
I wish there was a group to go to to be with like minded people, for just doing everyday things, most of the groups are divided into very definite little sub groups and can be a little unwelcoming as they don't want the status quo upset. It's a Sunday thing I'm afraid when you're on you are on your own.