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Verbal abuse to me in front of Grandkids by their Mother

(34 Posts)
Bubbylichous Sun 14-Apr-19 20:38:04

My 5 year old granddaughter likes to cook... one morning we had stayed over to take her and her little brother on an outing. She was making tea and had made an herbal tea bag selection when she decided to add a bag of liquorice tea from another box to her creation as well to her 2 year old brothers. I have been an amateur herbalist for years and I cringe at feeding little children liquorice root. There is lots on line about this. however, my daughter, a fully trained and licensed dietician, scolded me for interfering, then proceeded to call me a "liar" - several times- when I told my Granddaughter that liquorice can make one "poop-a-lot" thinking of our special day ahead at a public museum with busy washrooms and sometimes less than clean diaper change tables ( liquorice is in fact it is for sore throats but it has effects on the digestive system and has been used for constipation as well- in any case it is an ancient medicine that needs to be used carefully- as it was the little one had to have his diaper changed twice from loose bowels in an hour.) I have long ago ceased to talk about any herb or food with my know-it-all career focused daughter. I keep very quiet and would rather be happy then be right as Dr. Phil shares daily. However, my husband also witnessed this harshly stated accusation of "lying" and "twisting the truth". This is not the first time my daughter has attacked me in front of our grandkids. Last year at this time she threw her birthday gifts back in my face- .. a month later she was on good terms with us. Never apologized. In a phone call yesterday to broche the incident, she now tells me I have lied to her all her life! Sadly I did lie once... I told her if she did not like school in grade one she did not have to go. Who would have thought that this Ivy League Sport Queen full-scholarships individual would still be angry with me all these years later? I could not afford to home school my kids although I wanted to. Now my Granddaughter goes to an overcrowded underfunded public school with about 90 different nationalities and now speaks English with a new lisp! As a teacher in the same region I think my daughter is dismissive of my granddaughters education and this is her way of getting me back! Especially when her and her spouse could afford the best of private education, own many properties and travel 4-5 times a year. I don't care about the liquorice- I am fully respectful of the Parental decision even if I disagree. That adults do not always agree is healthy for kids to see as long as it is done respectfully. However, do I call her out on abusive name calling and risk losing contact with my Grandkids? I have worked hard to suck up a great deal of intolerance and criticism since my Granddaughter was born. But that day I felt my granddaughters eyes burning through me, like I was now suspect and all the stories of leprechauns and elves were all suspect as was the pumpkins we grow, the worm composter she loves to care for with me. My daughter seems to be hunting for ways to keep her small town parents out of her life without looking bad herself. Or do I let it ride and let the entire mess calm down and get swept under the rug as usual. Do I remain Cowardly or Stand up at such sensitive risk?

3dogs2cats Sun 14-Apr-19 20:48:26

Crikey, she sounds a bit of a moo. Difficult business grandparenting. I have learned a thing with them. They all are very entitled and right up their asses. There is a form of words to use when offended, and they HAVE to apologise. Simply say, quietly. Darling they are your children and I would not dream of naysaying you, but I am not ok with you shouting at me, or speaking so disrespectfully.And then turn away..
Don’t shout and don’t get into dialogue. Just this.

Cherrytree59 Sun 14-Apr-19 20:49:53

I'm sure a gran will be along shortly to help or advise.
I am a bit worried about a 5 yr old making tea, herbal or otherwise, does it not involve a kettle and boiling water?
Also making it for a 2yr old?

3dogs2cats Sun 14-Apr-19 20:50:40

And if you do lose contact , so be it. I am appalled on here by the minor disagreements that apparently warrant no contact. Just fuck em!

Tangerine Sun 14-Apr-19 20:55:34

Think 3dogs2cats has got it in a nutshell.

Liquorice - I agree with the original poster. It does have an interesting effect on bowels.

craftyone Sun 14-Apr-19 20:55:34

let it go, try not to let it get to you, when she responds like that then have a stock couple of words such as `yes right` and turn away to pretend to do something else. Know in your head that you are right and she is wrong but keep the mouth zipped. Definitely is not worth getting stressed about a know it all who does not respect what her mother has learnt. So see your grandchildren but don`t go out of your way for your daughter. She will have to learn the hard way, just don`t be a doormat to her

phoenix Sun 14-Apr-19 21:15:43

Please use paragraphs!

MovingOn2018 Sun 14-Apr-19 22:29:15

Why does the children's diet and education bother you? This is absolutely none your business. Also as a herbalist (amateur or not), you should know that different things affect people differently and maybe her kids have been drinking the said tea and nrver experienced the side effects that you spoke on? Especially without consulting with their mother first?

And for you to say that she's using your grand daughters education to get back at you to me just seems ridiculous - for it insinuates that she dislikes you more than she loves her own kids.

I also don't see how calling you a liar is verbally abusive. Using the word abuse immediately places you in the victim position whilst omitting the fact that as a non-parental figure you overstepped your boundaries by having an adult conversation with your grandchild. One of which their mother maybe saw as controling manipulative on your end for again what she chooses to feed her kids is truly none of your business. And even if it eas, if you thought they would poop too much, then you had every right to tell your daughter that you'd not be taking them out that day for this is what you believe will happen. As opposed to manipulating the kids into not drinking their teabasrd on your biased beliefs. If you don't believe in something that others see no problem with, you excuse yourself from the scenario as opposed to trying to bend their beliefs to mirror yours.

Calling you a liar is also not abusive especially if what you were saying was simply not true. She has a right to tell her children what's true and what's not especially after you placed her in the hot seat position with her children by making them believe that mommy was allowing them to have something that would make them poop. We all know how kids feel about that. Its was manipulative on your end. Again if you had you had this conversation privately with her and not your grandkids then things may have turned out differently.

But seeing that you still want to call her out and are even expecting an apology from her only goes to show that you don't see anything wrong with your actions or perceptions of her children's schooling. No offence but you come across as very judgemental and extremely opinionated on issues that shouldn't really be any of your concern, Why can't you just be a grandparent and leave any parenting decisions/opinions to her? The actual mother of the said children. Youtr parenting role is done. Step back and enjoy your grandchildren.

Callistemon Sun 14-Apr-19 23:09:06

I'm with Cherrytree on this - a 5 year old cooking and making tea (which requires boiling water) for herself and a 2 year old?

What's wrong with water, juice or milk?

Liquorice - I agree with the original poster. It does have an interesting effect on bowels.
I'll remember that next time anyone complains of being constipated - thanks!

crazyH Sun 14-Apr-19 23:26:44

I think the OP is American, not that it makes any difference to what I am about to say.
I am concerned that the 5 year old is making tea. Please, please keep the kettle and boiling water away from her. I have only very recently started asking my 15 YEAR OLD granddaughter to make me a cuppa.
Regarding your fraught relationship with your daughter.....I too have a very difficult relationship with mine. Mothers and daughters !!!!!!
Isn't it wonderful that your granddaughter goes to a school with 90 different nationalities. Think of what she can gain from learning about other cultures !!
By the way, I'm not so keen on Dr Phil....how on earth can you listen to his drone ?
Good luck anyway !!

Starlady Mon 15-Apr-19 00:58:47

I'm concerned about the tea, also. But if the op had said anything about it, I'm sure she would have received just as bad a reaction from her dd as she did about the licorice.

Bubbylichous, I'm so sorry your dd insulted you that way. And yes, I agree it's abusive. It's one thing to say, "That's a lie!" but quite another to say, "You're a liar!" In fact, even accusing you of "a lie" in front of gd is wrong, imo. If dd disagreed, she could easily have said, "No, you're mistaken." She didn't have to make it sound as if you were doing something bad or damage gd's trust in you.

I wouldn't make too much out of it if you fear it might cost you your relationship with gd. But when possible, I would gently (but firmly) let dd know you don't like being insulted that way. I suggest maybe using I-messages - "I don't like being called a liar/called names/insulted, especially not in front of my gd," rather than, "You shouldn't have, etc."

To be fair, dd may have felt as if you were insulting her, even though that wasn't your intention. You know, because you were countermanding her about the licorice and repeatedly, it seems. And bypassing her to talk to gd about it. I get your concern about gd having to poop, lol, when you were on your special outing. I worry about things like that, too, so I get it. But, unfortunately, the way you addressed it may have set dd off. Imo, it would have been better to tell dd your concerns and then let her make the decision ( and accept it even if you were worried about it).

Again, I don't think dd should insult you like that. She needs to treat you with respect. At the same time, you need to respect her and sil's decisions, whether it's about school or food, etc. And by "respect their decisions" I mean don't argue with them or suggest to gd that dd is wrong.

I don't get the "You've lied to me all my life" comment if you just lied to her that one time. Maybe she sees some things as "lies" that you don't? More likely, she was just trying to make excuses for having called you a name.
'

M0nica Mon 15-Apr-19 20:20:14

Bubbylichous. You do not have to say anything to your daughter for her to be very aware that you do not approve of how she is bringing up her children. You would like to have home educated your children. Your daughter thinks that her children will get a much better education (in the widest sense) by going to a state school. Going to a state school with many nationalities can lead to a vibrant active school with children learning to mix and value children from families and backgrounds unlike theirs. It is unlikely it caused your DGD's lisp.

I get the feeling you would like to have children at a very expensive private school. Possibly so that you can tell your friends to show how well she and her DH are doing financially(?)

I would get very defensive and tempted to snap if I had a parent who had very different views to me and where I was aware that how I brought my children up was constantly being judged and found wanting. You do not have to say anything for that message to be conveyed loud and clear. In your OP you talk of my my know-it-all career focused daughter. not a very kind or loving description.

I think you need to step back, appreciate that there are many ways to bring up children and all are likely to be just as successful if they have supportive loving parents. You have had your turn, you did your best, as we all do and now it is your daughter's turn.

When she talks of you lying to her, it might not mean out right porkies. It may be because your personal/political/ religious views coloured your view of the world and your DD thinks very differently and her 'truth' is very different from your 'truth'.

You just have to accept that you clearly have strong well articulated views and your DD does also. I have a very strong minded daughter and we sometimes have the occasional stand-off, but I never let it get in the way of our relationship. Genuinely respect your daughter and her views and I am sure evrery thing will come right.

Bubbylichous Wed 17-Apr-19 02:23:10

Oh such wisdom. I will work on this in a mirror. Thank You!

Bubbylichous Wed 17-Apr-19 02:25:42

No, she makes it with supervision (MINE)and ice cubes.

Bubbylichous Wed 17-Apr-19 02:41:40

I love this support. I am so grateful to all for taking this time to look at this event from all sides. In the past few days I have come to realize that I am just afraid of being unrecognized by my daughter...I think I had a fantasy that one day I would be wise in her eyes. This has become less a reality as I did not avail myself to be childcare as she needed. That is another thread. Yes I became defensive and angry. BUT I have decided to be happy with what I know and not take outside negativity as reflective of who I am. However I also understand that I was not sufficiently mindful of my daughter's presence and absolutely needed to address my concern to Mom and not my Gd. Many thanks for Wise Women like you all.

BlueBelle Wed 17-Apr-19 06:40:31

A 5 year old making her own tea and then suggested it’s ok as you supervise and use ice cubes? well she wasn’t very well supervised if she added liquorice bags without being seen and the baby drank them (as you say you had to change his nappies twice in an hour) !!
So your 2 year old loves a trip to a museum? 😂
What on earth is this about, a post littered with wonderful little boasts (are we supposed to be impressed) daughters a fully trained and licensed dietician, Ivy League sports queen on a full scholarship, daughter and husband own many properties and travel 4 or 5 times a year What has any of this got to do with your story?
Then there is this little gem granddaughter goes to an overcrowded, underfunded public school with 90 different nationalities and now speaks English with a new lisp 😂😂 lucky girl, but where does the lisp come into it
Then we have a paragraph about burning eyes, leprechauns, pumpkins, elves and worm composters !!

This is a totally bizarre post, but very entertaining first thing in the morning

Urmstongran Wed 17-Apr-19 07:36:10

I too found this highly entertaining.
I do love the American way of describing self as in ....

‘...not take outside negativity as reflective of who I am’

😊

Alexa Wed 17-Apr-19 09:05:23

Sure liquorice is laxative . You seem to be doing well as a grandmother.

I suppose how you handle your daughter depends how you usually relate to one another. I'd want to tell her to go and read up on the properties of liquorice. I am afraid that there is no way you can stop her insulting you in front of her children, and you will have to be a martyr to it. The children will remember your forbearance when they are older.

Alexa Wed 17-Apr-19 09:08:34

PS discretion is the better part of valour may be a useful meme for you

Starlady Sat 20-Apr-19 07:44:13

I'm glad you appreciate our comments, Bubbylichous, and that you seem to really be giving them some thought. Also, I think it's very honest of you to admit you fear being "unrecognized" by dd. I suspect she feels the same way vice versa, that you don't respect her knowledge as a dietician or her autonomy as an adult. You may have to be the one to let go of your expectations (of being seen as "wise," etc.) because it just seems to be backfiring and causing unnecessary drama. Believe me, she knows you're very smart and capable. Now, imo, she needs to see that you feel the same about her. Good on you for rethinking this!

Granarchist Sat 20-Apr-19 10:56:01

BlueBelle have you never heard of iced tea??? In the US it is very common. I think there are crossed wires here.

Callistemon Tue 23-Apr-19 20:25:09

You can't make iced tea with iced or even just cold water - it has to be made hot then cooled down.

Some of the phrases are beyond me, I'm afraid - some of the posts sound as if they have been translated from a foreign language by a computer.

Callistemon Tue 23-Apr-19 20:31:41

Granarchist - How to make Iced Tea

It is a BBC recipe but I dare say that American recipes are very similar. All without a kettle - just a large saucepan of boiling water!
www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/1399634/iced-tea

Badenkate Tue 23-Apr-19 22:13:43

I wouldn't worry about the boiling water - I've never had tea made in the US with boiling water.

Callistemon Tue 23-Apr-19 23:00:33

I've never had tea made by a 5 year old, although DD was taught to make hot drinks when she was a Brownie (probably about 9 or 10) and was always asking if she could make us a brew at home.

I have only very recently started asking my 15 YEAR OLD granddaughter to make me a cuppa.
crazyH - does she not do any cookery at school involving hot pans, hot water?