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Daughter Vs Daaughters in-law

(33 Posts)
crazyH Tue 16-Apr-19 09:25:29

I have 3 women in the family - all extremely feisty, highly strung and very sensitive and I am in the middle. There's always some little niggle, which is always brushed over. But last week, a quite harmless banter on our whatsapp family group chat, turned into a fairly nasty row. My daughter commented about one of the little ones who is sure to go far because he has an ambitious mum or something like that- d.i.l. got offended, went on her high horse - I told my daughter to be extra careful when bantering because not everyone gets her jokes. Then my daughter accused me of favouring d.i.l. and there's now a Cold War. And she left the family group....not talking to me either.
Easter is almost here, the two sons do their own thing with their young families. Usually my daughter (she is divorced, like me) and her teenage kids come to me for Easter Lunch but nothing has been mentioned. The kids will probably go to their other grandparents. My daughter and I will be sulking alone in our respective houses. Oh I wish I could just disappear 😫😫😫😫😫😫😫- I'm sure it will sort itself out but I just wanted to offload on here. Thanks for listening xx

sodapop Tue 16-Apr-19 09:39:43

Oh dear CrazyH walking on eggshells is habitual to us Mums isn't it. Emails and similar often are interpreted differently by the recipient from what was intended.
Can you play peacemaker with some Easter chocs for your daughter ?

Hope things are resolved soon.

crazyH Tue 16-Apr-19 09:59:59

Thanks Sodapop, yes, I do have an Easter Egg for her 😂

Grandmablue Tue 16-Apr-19 10:30:14

Pack an overnight bag, book yourself in to a spa hotel and enjoy..... bunnies to the lot of them I say!!!

Grandmablue Tue 16-Apr-19 10:30:54

Or better still, book you both in x

Harris27 Tue 16-Apr-19 10:34:03

I agree with grandma blue! Good luck! Families!!!

jaylucy Tue 16-Apr-19 11:07:53

Good idea Grandmablue! What woman can resist that ? Or even book a meal out for the two of you?

vickya Tue 16-Apr-19 11:11:21

An early Easter egg for upset daughter is a very good idea, Sodapop. If you can afford it the spa break or any break, a chocolate hotel one? sound a good idea for you or both you and daughter.

glammanana Tue 16-Apr-19 12:23:49

I have 1 x DD and 2 x DILs I have found that I have to be very careful how I praise the 2 x DILs when in the presense of DD I make sure DD is praised for all she does even though sometimes I don't fully agree it just keeps the egg shells from not getting cracked,the politics of family life is difficult sometimes.
A trip to Thorntons looks on the cards for that special egg. xx

M0nica Tue 16-Apr-19 13:20:20

I simply cannot understand families that take umbrage at such trivial happenings.

Sara65 Tue 16-Apr-19 13:26:21

I know exactly how you feel, only mine is with two daughters, there is a lot of jealousy, and resentment, as well as love of course. My husband and I constantly walk on egg shells , and we have to be incredibly careful that everyone is treated the same, which is actually impossible! Hard going sometimes.

Starlady Tue 16-Apr-19 15:55:14

Phew! Just reading this thread makes me feel the exhaustion! Crazy, I'm so sorry! What you said to dd was, no doubt, correct, and an honest, caring effort to avoid further problems.

I like the idea of the early Easter egg - and the spa (who wouldn't?). But I'd think twice about booking the spa until you see her reaction to getting the egg. If this was just an in-the-moment reaction, it will probably blow over as soon as she receives the egg, and she'll be delighted to do the spa thing with you. But if this is more deep-seated - if she has somehow got it into her head for a while that you favor dil, for example, even though I don't think you do - then she may decline the egg and turn down the spa. So unless you have someone else who would go in her place, I'd hold off on the spa reservations.

In the future, I'd refrain from getting in the middle of their arguments, at all, even when the solution seems fairly obvious to you. While your advice was very wise, IMO, unfortunately, it backfired. I wouldn't take the chance of that happening again.

I think dd way overreacted to the exchange and hope she calms down and comes to her senses soon.

crazyH Tue 16-Apr-19 16:03:40

Can't afford Spa - just paid for a long London weekend for the family in August.
She will have to do with an Easteregg.....just realised she's on a diet.....can't win 😂

luluaugust Tue 16-Apr-19 16:27:19

Just because she appears not to be talking to you doesn't mean you can't talk to her, if she is near by I think I might knock and say would you like to come to Sunday lunch, if she is not near phone her up and ask her, you don't really want this to go on any longer, tell her it is very upsetting that she should think you favour your DIL. It is true that some people put things on WhatsApp they wouldn't say to their faces, this is not your problem, your advice was sound but next time keep quiet then nobody can blame you.

25Avalon Tue 16-Apr-19 17:07:52

Life is too short for this kind of thing. When you have a child who has died you realise this. You are all in good health and it is sad if you cannot all be friendly. Is it any good suggesting to your dd that she apologises to dil for upsetting her which from what you say she definitely did not mean to do. She doesn't have to apologise for what she said which after all was just her jokey way but for causing pain to dil. If dil can't take that kind of apology then that speaks against her.
Please all be friends and live in peace.

janeainsworth Tue 16-Apr-19 17:15:30

I simply cannot understand families that take umbrage at such trivial happenings

I can’t either Monica. If any of my family (2DDs 1DiL) behaved like that, there’s be some serious banging of heads together and then I’d leave them to get on with it.

crazyH perhaps you’re actually enabling this stuff because you get involved. Don’t.

Theoddbird Tue 16-Apr-19 17:36:40

Just leave it...time will sort it out eventually.

Day6 Tue 16-Apr-19 17:36:49

I have learned that words can hurt. Sadly, once written, you cannot take them back and this is one reason why I shall forever be estranged from one DIL. I am a fairly easy going soul but that doesn't mean I am open to everything and can't be hurt.

Life is short crazyH and you love your daughter so do all you can to bring her round. Sounds like she need reassurance so why not send her a card reminding her you love her and want to be friends again>

However, another thing you learn as you age is that you are sometimes better off not being in the life of someone who is no good for your peace of mind, who is an effort to be with, someone you tread on eggshells for, because you have to..

A friend has ditched a family member. She was clinging on, because she was family, being nice when she wanted to snap, being offended but turning the other cheek, and she did it because "Well, you just have to keep family together, at all costs, don't you?" (No, was her conclusion, after a lot of mithering.) She says she has gained so much emotional freedom from not seeing her any longer. No guilt, no trying too hard, no fake smiles. She says it's better, and I followed her advice.

It can be. All circumstances are different though.

Bossyrossy Tue 16-Apr-19 18:34:10

I blame the tv soaps. Every little thing is blown up into a drama and somehow we have a generation who thinks this is how to handle everything. Well, it’s not. We all say the wrong thing at times but if you value your friends and love ones, you let it go. Making mountains out of mole hills comes to mind.

crazyH Tue 16-Apr-19 19:44:08

Update : thanks all. Took your advice......spoke to daughter, invited her and the kids for Easter Lunch. Bought eggs for them. She hasn't confirmed yet, that they will come....she may have other plans (divorced, and on the dating scene now), but at least I have spoken to her and she seems absolutely fine. She must know I love her 😘
This is just a great site, with Grandparents sharing their problems. their views and their support. Thankyou all. I dare say, I will be on it, at some future point, with some other problem. But I must say, I also comment on other posts and am very involved in this site....this is our Agony Aunt flowers

Hm999 Tue 16-Apr-19 21:28:04

Good luck CrazyH

Hm999 Tue 16-Apr-19 21:28:58

Book you and your DD into that spa

Shizam Tue 16-Apr-19 21:39:26

You have to be careful with texts and messages etc. Something you might to say to someone’s face or on phone as a joke can often miss the haha factor in short written messages. I favour just saying positive things on those forums.
Someone said something to me on a forum as a funny remark, I didn’t find it so. Read as hurtful and dismissive of me. But if he’d said it to my face, I’d have said something equally cheeky back to him. And no harm would have been done.

Grammaretto Tue 16-Apr-19 21:59:06

I'm so glad you've managed to pour oil on troubled water
I know how you feel. I am occasionally expected to take sides between the girls. I try not to but sometimes it's hard to avoid.

Anja Tue 16-Apr-19 22:11:23

Everyone loves a happy ending 👍🏽