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Three’s a crowd?

(18 Posts)
GrannyOrNanny Tue 16-Apr-19 20:33:14

I’m really upset about this...not being the closest family anyway, we’ve one daughter left at home. She’s the youngest and whilst we were always close (when she was a child) we’re really not now.
I hear her and her dad laughing, talking, etc but I’m never really part of it. Yes, I join in, yes I try to feel part of it....but I know I’m not.
I’m sorry, I’m not sure where I’m going with this but I feel left out, not good enough. Why am I not the one she wants to talk to? I feel so sad right now...

Septimia Tue 16-Apr-19 20:43:05

I've always thought that girls tend to be closer to their fathers, probably because they're too much like their mothers in temperament. I know I was always closer to my dad, but he died several years before my mum and she and I got on fine - perhaps better - even under the same roof.
Perhaps your daughter is just going through a phase where she feels more comfortable with her dad. I wouldn't be at all surprised if, in a few years, she find she needs her mum - especially if she has children. I hope so.

paddyann Tue 16-Apr-19 23:25:59

Girls and their dads ,its normal.I spent a lot of time with my dad and it was he who I turned to when I had any problems...his mantra was" dont worry your mother".My daughter adores her dad and she'll call me and ask me to go change her beds and take dad with me so she can have achat with him as a chat with her dad makes her day ( she's ill ,which is why I help with housework) I love that they are so close its a very special relationship and I hope it lasts forever.Let you family enjoy each other,they aren't trying to hurt you it is what it is

crazyH Tue 16-Apr-19 23:41:07

Daddy's little girl, comes to mind. My daughter was and is still the same. Her father and I are divorced. She was terribly affected by it .....torn between the cheating father who she adored, and the mother she felt sympathy for.

Sara65 Wed 17-Apr-19 07:28:27

My husband is,and always has been a complete soft touch with our girls, they always know they’ll get more sympathy out of him than me. He’s the payer of overdrafts, changer of tyres, mover of furniture, erector of play equipment, and anything else you can think of, even though one is married, and one in long term relationship, it’s always dad they turn to!

anitamp1 Wed 17-Apr-19 11:09:30

"When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when i got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years". Mark Twain
Whilst this refers to dad and son, I think its also relevant to mums and daughters. Its a phase. It will pass and I'm sure there will come a time when you become best of friends.

lmm6 Wed 17-Apr-19 11:54:13

I agree with Septimia. Girls often see their dads as heroes but it’s usually their mums who they turn to for emotional and day to day stuff. I used to feel the odd one out when my children were small but not now. In fact I’d say both my children are closer to me than their dad now though they love him dearly. I bet in time things will change. Just be patient and hang on in there.

HildaW Wed 17-Apr-19 12:11:36

Make a date with her....go shopping, to a film...a bit of girl time. I do it with my younger daughter - its wonderful.
Just a word of worry though...feeling a bit left out can be a symptom of you being a bit depressed. Is there other stuff that worries you? I have had episodes of low level depression and at its worse I do begin to feel cut off and as if life is going on around me and not including me. It can be very easy to project our own emotions on those we love, feel they are withdrawing when in fact its ourselves. Take care and talk to each other.

nipsmum Wed 17-Apr-19 12:22:04

I am 78 now but I was always a daddies girl. He died in 1982 and I still miss him. I'm the youngest of 3 girls but my dad and I were always close. If anything was wrong he called me and I called him. I have 2 daughters and he was always close to them too. It's Dad's.and Daughters . Don't make problems when there aren't any.

glammanana Wed 17-Apr-19 12:34:37

Have you ever thought of trying to go away for a few days with each other ? my DD and I do this every year and are due to go out to Majorca for a week next month where we just relax and enjoy each others company.
Saying that she is very close to her dad and being the only girl she does get extra special treatment from him as opposed to her brothers the boys have a really good relationship with their dad but she is the apple of his eye,its a classic case of Fathers & Daughters.

sarahellenwhitney Wed 17-Apr-19 13:00:24

Girls can become jealous of their mothers and feel in competition with her where their fathers affection is concerned .I was a teenager before realising my mother was jealous of me, not myself jealous of her.My father always had an 'open ear' and the one who would listen .My mother never had time for me . What could she expect?

Grammaretto Wed 17-Apr-19 13:03:33

My DD sent me a jokey Mother's Day card which said "Mum, you were right about everything!"
It did make me smile because she knows she can wind me up very easily and drive me mad. She and her dad are very close. Going away together? Not a hope. A recipe for disaster not peace and calm . Our temperaments are too similar. Yours may be too.

sweetcakes Wed 17-Apr-19 14:14:40

GrannyorNanny I know what you mean my daughter prefers the company of her father to go shopping not that he buys her things, no she seeks me out for that!! But they have always been close. We have a son and he is married so rightly his wife comes first so I'm somewhat in the middle! I don't think she does it deliberately this generation just doesn't think!!!

Ramblingrose22 Wed 17-Apr-19 15:08:06

GrannyOrNanny - this is a tricky one.
I didn't get on well with my mother and I always felt closer to my father. The fact that he and I would stay up late and chat used to make my mother really angry.
You have said you were close when she was young. Did her teenage years cause a rift between you? Have you ever discussed this with your older DD who has left home as she will know what the family dynamic was like?
This would be my next step if I were you.

minniemouse Wed 17-Apr-19 15:11:52

When our daughter was small and Dad and I returned from work to pick her up from my parents, she used to run right past me, arms outstretched, to her Daddy. Yes, it hurt, but, I knew if she was ill or needed emotional support, she sought me out. Still the same now, Her Dad helps her with the practicalities of running a home, but I am her best friend and confidante. Me, however, I was Daddy's girl all my life ! Still am. But I will never get over the loss of my lovely Mum 9 years ago. We were so close as I grew up.

Sleepygran Wed 17-Apr-19 20:08:03

My dd and her dad get on so well and always have.I used to be bothered about it but not now.
She is more like her dad in temperament,very outgoing, sociable and sparkly.They understand each other.
But when she's I'll it's still me she wants and she's in her 40s!
I was always closer to my dad, we were similar in temperament,quiet, thoughtful and didn't like mum was a firecracker!

kwest Wed 17-Apr-19 21:40:28

That father / daughter bond is such a wonderful and intense experience that there is nothing like it. Truly unconditional love. Think about it. Daddy is the hero who will always make everything right and will always love her. Daughter is the little princess whom he would lay down his life for. She will measure every man she meets against her father. If she is very lucky she will marry someone with the same qualities and if she has a daughter she will watch history repeat itself. The relationship between father and daughter does not seek to exclude the mother. Both love her and share loving individual relationships with her. But father /daughter relationships are an exquisite and life changing gift. My father died when I was 26 and my mother died a year later. I was lucky enough marry someone whom I love very much and who embodies all the good things that made my father so special. My daughter adores him and her husband has the same loving decent qualities that her father has. Little wonder that our grand-daughter is following exactly the same pattern . So hang on in there. It will all be worth it.

BradfordLass72 Thu 18-Apr-19 03:35:11

Perhaps this is where your DH can gently say to her, 'You know, Mum loves you very much, try to be kinder to her.'

You're his wife and he should see what's happening and be on your side.

If he doesn't.... tell him.

Tell him how hurt you are, that you feel like an outside in your own home, that all it takes is for your daughter to speak lovingly to you sometimes; share her thoughts with you; ask how you're feeling. The things any loving daughter could be expected to do with her Mum.