My tragic, homeless adult daughter is stamping around my little rural village shouting and swearing and despairing. She so desperately wants to be loved and cared for, and has been so badly hurt in the past. My problem is that I'm sick of her dramas and hysterics, self justifications and denials. She is ill. She is alcohol dependent. She uses cocaine to excess when she can get hold of it. She is mentally so unwell that one psychologist has told me that he did not think she could endure to understand her true situation. She would not engage with the program and still lacks a diagnosis of her mental health condition. Her refuge in life has been a succession of violently abusive and demeaning men she has chosen to cling on to for love and support.
She has also been dependent on me and any other kindly benefactor she could get hold of for at least a decade. Her 'job' is flirting topless online for money. A job she cannot now do as her last iphone, of many, many iphones, ipads, phones and similar, has been sold for the money. She spends any wages or benefits she gets on extravagant and high-end items. That she will lose or discard within days generally, or weeks at most. She is homeless because she has a dreadful reputation as a tenant, cannot use money responsibly to pay deposits and has just been evicted from a refuge for her behaviour and refusal to engage with them or work towards becoming independent. That she spent much of the time she was supposed to be at the refuge actually staying with a man friend did not help her case.
Her children are now with court appointed guardians. She is full of resentment for the 'lies' that were told about her in court. There were no lies. She was a bad mother. The involvement of Social Services was a fact in the lives of all that family for many years and the final decision of removal was totally justified.
She leads a chaotic life, by choice, and had no wish to 'parent' as she wanted to be her children's best friend. Which she did sometimes, and other times would just leave them on their own for days. Often with no food, no clean clothes and with the instruction to not let people know. She refuses to remember any of this, which is understandable enough. But I have a hard time when she screams at the pain of losing them, because she was given so many, many chances to step up to the mark and be a decent and responsible mum. So I have no sympathy with her fantasy of how she was a brilliant mother and there were no grounds for her beloved children to be taken away. Only resentment because I was drained and used and did all I could to help and to make up for her lifestyle, but lost them too. The court awarded me more visits per year than my daughter, their mother, as I was seen as a good influence.
Of course the contacts are never relaxed and fun, it's never not supervised and it's never just us being ourselves. I feel a bitter loss. And anger, because it was all so unnecessary.
I have a constant headache when she is here, but as the alternative is her sleeping rough I feel I have no choice. She DID sleep rough one night last week. Just the one night, as a man took pity on her and had her stay in his room where he'd have lost his place if anyone had found out. No sex, or any intention of it, just being kind.
And that was enough to break her willingness to have her mental health assessed as she had finally been persuaded to do. The mental health diagnosis that would have had her placed in the 'vulnerable adult' category and therefore more likely to get help, protection, support.
All this is true. And I am so almighty sick of it that if she were to die today I'd be mourning not only the lost and lonely woman she is, but the happy and intelligent child I used to know who seemed to be gone for good some years ago.
There is nothing I can say or do that does not seem to upset her. Earlier she complained so very shrilly and loud that my ear genuinely aches with it still. I did not know this was even possible. I have also learned why the phrase 'a pain in the neck' came about. It's at the base of the skull. Where the tension knots you up and bewilders you with pain and confusion.
She's only been living here just over a day. The trip down was one I'd only wish on my best enemy with the screaming and posturing and carrying on all the three hundred mile odd drive to get here. I don't know how long I can stand this, or where there is left to turn. I can't stand her dramas and the way she is destroying what little peace I had left.
Graninda, Famanon (Families Anonymous) helped us so much. As you said, being with other parents who were experiencing similar issues made us not feel so alone. And you DO feel alone with this. We would've been lost without them, to be honest.
I have no words of advice, I wish I did. I have been through a very similar experience with my brother. He went from having a successful career in the music industry to hitting rock bottom having lost his marriage, his children and literally everything. He ended up in a very seedy, run down flat which was open house to other alcoholics/drug users. I found that help and support is available but if the person is not interested in being helped there is very little that anyone can do. I couldn’t turn my back on the kind, talented, funny, sensitive brother I had known and loved, even though there was precious little left of that person. In the latter part of his life he surrounded himself with some truly horrible people who took advantage and he ended up being badly beaten up and left lying in an alleyway. He was badly injured and hospitalised, my dh and I took him in to our home and after begging and pleading with the local authorities he was given a tiny ground floor bedsit with carers twice a day as he was by this time housebound. He still had enough contact with his old associates to bring him alcohol though and he died aged 60 from organ failure. He literally drank himself to death. NanaRayna, my heartfelt sympathy to you. Get help for yourself, try to get help for your daughter but bear in mind that she will not accept help unless she wants to. It sounds to me as though she really doesn’t want help. The poor lost soul that she is. Please keep in touch.
what a terrible situation for you (and her ) to be in. It sounds as though she she hs some underlying mental health issues/condition that has not been diagnosed, am thinking along the lines of bipolar disorder - with the extravagant spending and self medicating with drugs and alcohol. Has she ever seen a psychiatrist at all?
So sorry you're having to go through this. Especially since it's affected your relationship with your grandchildren.
As other posters have mentioned, tough love may be the only recourse you have left.
I read your post how horrible for you, we reach a point when we just want peace in our lives x
There is hope. My daughter is getting well now. The journey for me, and for her, has been horrendous. It really helped me to join a group called Famanon - famanon.org.uk. Meetings are world-wide and there is also help on line. I found it a huge relief to be with other mothers and fathers with the same problem and to know that they too had the same feelings. Do hope this helps. Hugs and love x
Ask her to leave and mean it. We had 22 years of a drug addict son, my stepson actually, which made it a much worse situation as I could not make any criticism or I got shot down in flames. He and I actually got on quite well but the willingness of his parents to oblige his every need even when it was so blatantly wrong was not helping him. When they finally decided to do less and mean it he eventually got the help he needed. How he managed to drag himself back from being the worst addict in history I don't know. Not my words but the words of many of the people who tried to help him. Heroin and injecting into the neck in the end. Disaster. Anyway he decided that he'd had enough and found a rehab. It was very strict and it was cold turkey but he stuck it out and he is now running it and several other parts of it. He has met a very nice woman and his life has completely turned around. All addicts have to reach rock bottom before they can go up and to be honest some don't make it but you cannot help her. She has to work that one out for herself and really want to do it. It's a hard road that only she can walk and you would be helping her more if you pushed her out on to it. I know it's hard for you but I'm afraid it's the only route. Good luck with whatever you try.
Not exactly true:
'You cannot be detained for drug or alcohol addiction. But you can be detained if alcohol or drugs cause mental health problems. For example, if you have delusions because of using cannabis'
There's nothing l can say do or advise you. I'm at a loss. So sorry to hear of your dreadfully sad situation. I suppose l should count my blessings
NanaRayna, you cannot help someone that doesn't want help or will not help themselves. You have done all you can and now it sounds as though you should start putting yourself first and looking after you. Your post hit a few raw nerves for me as I have had problems with my daughter in the past but your daughter sounds as though her issues are much more serious. Is there some way to have your daughter sectioned under a mental health act? Others have suggested some good organisations where you may be able to get some support and/or advice. I think you have done all you can and your daughter needs to take steps to help herself. Tough love, tough decisions and tough learning to live with them - I genuinely feel for you and hope you can find some peace somehow. I couldn't read you post and not respond - thank you for sharing such a personal story and know that Gransnet can be a form of support for you. 
This is heart-breaking for you, and like other GNs I feel for you in this terrible situation which has gone on for so long.
I agree with others about tough love, but with a loved one it can be so difficult to do consistently until you start realising it's them or me, and find yourself in survival mode.
I hope you will realise the danger to your own health of staying on this path and take avoiding action, getting support for yourself, even if your daughter cannot accept it at present. Sending you love and big hugs.
NanaRayna, I am so sad that you are in such an awful situation. You should forget about getting help for your daughter and get help for yourself. I think you might be able to get a court order to keep her away from you then she might realise that she can't keep relying on you as someone to sort out all her problems. You have done nothing to deserve this. Sooner or late she will be arrested and then she might come to her senses and get the help she so obviously needs. I know this sounds really tough, but otherwise she will pull you down with her and your grandchildren need you as they have nobody else.
What an awful situation for you. There's no easy answer because you, understandably, will continue to love her, no matter what so you will continue to be hurt by her behaviour. Unless someone has been in a similar situation its impossible to understand and easy to advise you to turn your back on her. I cant imagine your turmoil and I'm sorry I can offer no advice. Your story will, hopefully, make most of us count our blessings and think twice before we let petty disagreements within our families get out of control. I hope she can eventually get the help she needs and you get the peace of mind you deserve.
Unfortunately it is not at all easy to get someone sectioned. For a start mental health won't usually assess someone unless they are clean and sober as drinks and drugs make it difficult to tell where the problem lies. All the problems that NanaRayna talks about are almost identical to the ones with my step-daughter. I have spoken to the police countless time when she has been screaming in the middle of the village at 2.00, 3.00, 4.00 am. They are very good (and I feel guilty calling them out but she threatens to kill people) and the local community police man tells me that they can keep reporting her to social services so that eventually she may be classed as a vulnerable adult. At the moment she is living with a 'boyfriend' as she has access to money but like NanaRayna's daughter it will soon be gone and then I fear so will he. Yu must try and take care of yourself and try to think of the GCs - even if you don't have much contact now you will be family for them later on, which their mother never will be. Addicts tend to be liars and extremely selfish and you must protect yourself even if it means letting her sleep rough. You could try talking to social services but while you are giving her a roof over he head all the agencies will wash their hands of her.
This is a really sad story and as a mental health nurse, the sort of thing I hear all too often. Your daughter is clearly unwell and needs to be assessed urgently and, in my opinion, placed on a section 2 of the mental health act if she won't agree to treatment. This is a period of up to 28 days and used for assessment and treatment. It can be reviewed at the end of this period and change to section 3 (up to 6 months). Please speak to your GP to set this process up. There's absolutely no shame in asking for this help, I think both of you need it. Thinking of you ?
Sending love x
Heartbreaking to read this NanaRayna, I can't even begin to think how you cope with this, beyond despair I feel. It's a very sad situation for you, your grandchildren and your daughter. I feel that she needs to be sectioned and given the professional help she needs. All I can say is having recently lost my dear dad who needed lots of help which was very demanding due to age and physical health, I think what could I have done to lessen his suffering, try not to have any regrets. I do hope you can find the help she needs to give you some peace of mind and not make yourself ill. Wishing you strength xxx
NanaRayna, my heart just breaks for you, as everyone else had said. I have no answers only questions. Does there come a time in a situation as desperate, sad and ongoing as this where you do make a conscious decision to let go of your daughter and focus on whatever support you can offer her children? Is this something that anyone else on GN has done? I really don't know how you deal with this. I do know that there are many good women around the world sending you heartfelt messages of love and virtual support. More than that I don't know.?
Bless you May the lord I serve grant you peace,understanding and forgiveness.
May you be given wisdom. My sadness cannot be measured it could easily be anyone of us in this situation.
NanaRayna - I'm very sorry to hear of your awful situation with your daughter. I really think you cannot have her living with you for the sake of your own health.
Have you had any counselling to try to help you cope with this?
An alcoholic can not be sectioned in this country.
NanaRayna I am so very sorry. Your daughter is in such a dark place and I know you are too.
NanaRayna, who can feel other than inadequate reading you desperate story.
Some times a parent best shows how much they love their child by walking away from them, especially where drink and rugs are concerned and I think this is the case in your situation.
I guess that you are in the USA, where rules and law are different from in the UK, but the best love being tough love is the same under either jurisdiction. You must walk away from your daughter, let her realise that her last 'Get out of gaol' card has gone. Her mother will not provide her with a refuge and the werewithal to continue this destructive life style. She is ill, not evil and somehow she has got to realise this and seek help.
Your situation is hellish, but now you must protect your self. Step back, rebuild your life and hope and pray that she may do likewise.
So hard to see this happening to one of our children NanaRayna You must feel exhausted and saddened by it all. I can't offer any more help other than to say your daughter has to be ready to accept help and treatment, you can do no more.
Take care of yourself now and help your grandchildren as much as you can.
You have my sympathy,
Just a thought....are you in touch with Al-Anon? They are for the families of alcoholics and a close friend has had great support from them. They are all people who have been in this situation themselves.
NanaRayna I too have no experience to call upon to help you but it is really good that you have had great support and suggestions on here. As others have said I didn't t want to pass by without saying that I feel deeply for you and the situation you have been forced into. I hope you get the help for your daughter that she needs. Stay strong for yourself and your grandchildren and let please us know how you get on
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