Sorry to vent here - am in despair

I apologise

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If only you can get her to rehab....she needs all the support she can get and the worse part is drug addicts are tough to deal with..I hope you'd be able to suppress the pain...warm hugs xxx

nanaraynajust checking in to see how you're travelling. Thoughts are with you

Hi NanaRayna Sorry if I am rather late in the day in replying. I have read your really sad story ….. and all the comments that have followed. I am in a similar situation to yourself and going from my experience all I can say is that your daughter is in great emotional pain and she is really suffering. She doesn’t actually like herself …. and because of this she is pushing everyone, including you - the one person who supports her - away. So may I ask - has there been some trauma in her life? Did something happen to her when she was young? Did you or do you know anything that could have happened? As I say, I have been and am still going through this now. It is a very hard and draining situation, not knowing what each day, each hour will bring. Keep in there. Be there for her. It is easy to talk about “hard love” but I remember Barry Gibb of the Bee Gees saying “hard love” was the wrong thing he did when his young brother Andy went back to him time and again and when Barry did turn away that is when his young brother died. He did not have Barry’s support anymore. There may well be mental health issues and she will resist any help or guidance that you try to give her. Each situation is different and I still have no answers but if she does agree to get help go with her. Make sure you tell her you will always love her. Sorry that it is all I can say

I'd echo those who have talked about 'fooling' the experts - it happens on several levels. We were carers for a relative with dementia who could manage to get through interviews with specialists by sheer weight of his intellect. It was not done deliberately thankfully but it did mean that we really had to collect evidence for them to gain a better picture. In one off interviews he appeared quite capable - they did not see the full day-to-day picture.
I am no expert in this field but I suspect that your daughter has a full range of tactics to cocoon herself in. She is an addict and that will mean she is choosing not to recognise the truth of her situation. Addiction creates a whole range of deceit, denial and delusion and she will be both fooling herself and those around her.
As others have said, get help for yourself and protect your wellbeing. It must be hard for you in an isolated rural setting - we have just moved away from that and although delightful one can feel both isolated and yet more open to scrutiny by those who are around. Its easier to hide our troubles in a busy location. You have nothing to feel guilty about, you have done so much. Take good care and get that help. All the very best.

Oh, Nana, I just saw your most recent post. Kudos to you for having had the courage to pull back when you did! I'm sorry her getting sectioned didn't work out and ended up drawing you back into the middle. I'm glad you're going to seek help through AlAnon or whatever groups is available. They may be able to help you figure out what to do next. More hugs!

Oh, and I agree about AlAnon.

MadeinYorkshire, OMG! Please do not "give in." Get counseling for yourself, if you haven't already, and please keep reaching out here. Perhaps keep a calendar where you mark every day if you've taken your insulin, etc., so that you'll be reminded.

Unfortunately, it sounds as if dd "fooled" those two psychiatrists. Yes, it can happen, Ive seen it before. Some people with a mental disorder can put on a charming veneer and appear quite stable. They know "all the right answers" to give, etc. Has she been hospitalized after any of her suicide attempts? Hopefully, if she ever does that again and is hospitalized, someone at the hospital will find out "what's wrong" with her or recommend that she begin therapy. Or perhaps she will end up getting help if she is ever arrested for assault. Oh hey, did you call the police when she assaulted you or the cashier? I know you don't want to, but you might have to if she ever does it again. Could you bring yourself to kick her out if she doesn't go for therapy? Would she be vengeful if you did evict her? . Meanwhile, I'm sorry you've been CO (cut out) from your gd's life. Hugs! These are all issues you might want to explore in counseling if you're not already.

NanaRayna, my heart is breaking for you! And for dd because I know she can't really be happy like this. It's not your fault and it's not hers. Mental illness can do this, especially coupled with drugs and alcohol. I agree with those who say you need to let her go, as painful as I know that will be for you. As long as she knows she has a soft place to land (your home), she is not likely to seek the help she needs. But I know it will be hard for you to do that, and Idk if I could. Just wishing you all the strength, courage and wisdom you need to deal with this situation and hoping, that, in the end, dd gets help and things work out. Lots of hugs!

I agree with DeeDum. It sounds awful, but they she will keep going back because you are her final resort so you will always have to deal with her at her worse. If you can move, change your phone number and email address and make sure that you are not on the open register of the electoral roll (that can make getting credit more difficult but that is not usually insurmountable). Then don't tell her where you are. You can then concentrate on your grandchildren and look at whether you can get better terms of access. Some people are back and forth to court with changes all the time so it might be time to try for that as they are getting older and more able to tell the authorities what they want. Showing that you have actively disassociated from your daughter should help.

I'm so sorry for the pain your daughter is causing you. We had something similar, but not so severe, as what you are going through, and sadly I don't think that anything you ever do will help your daughter as it has to be her decision to change, which seems unlikely to happen. Just remember to be kind to yourself and give yourself a pat on the back for doing your very best with the energy you have, for your grandchildren first, as they have to be the priority because they don't have the luxury of making the decisions that rule their lives, and then yourself, although I expect you are putting your daughter before your own well being. My advice is to talk to your own doctor to see if any help can come from that quarter for yourself or your daughter. But please look after yourself for your grandchildren's sake. They need to know there is someone of their family that is there for them, now and in the future. All this comes from my own experience. We loved our daughter too, but she ended up dying early from her own lifestyle and we miss and love her, but in the end we had to put her children first. We did our utmost for her until it ruined our health, which is our consolation as it has to be yours. I wish you so much luck and love in the world.

I’m so sorry. It sounds like a living nightmare for you. Please ask for help from anyone who will give it. Doctor. Social services. Samaratons.
And kick her out. Use tough love. Or she will destroy you too.
Much love

Hi, you can’t help an addict unless they want help. The best thing you can do is get support for yourself. Al-anon sister fellowship to Alcoholics Anonymous provides (free) support to family of alcoholics, they will help you “detach with the love” is the expression from her, as until she wants to change she will not. Look them up on the internet and call your local help line. It’s a horrible situation for you.

I feel for you NanaRayna and also for Made in Yorkshire. You are both amazing - well done!

I pray you both get the support you need. Nothing is ever as hopeless as it can seem. Please take heart and know that things CAN and DO change - completely or just in terms of how you are able to live with these situations.

Actions are much more effective than words with dealing with feelings, so I hope you both find the energy and courage to reach out for the help you desperately need.

NanaRayna, please don't feel alone. We may merely be on a Forum, but we do care and hopefully can help a bit. Regarding Families Anonymous, there is an online discussion group that you can join in with. You would need to register if you wished to post, but can read all the many, many posts from others who are in our position. The support given from members is wonderful. Xx

My heart goes out to you ........ it is not your fault ......... she has to be on her own to know she needs help ....... be there for your Grandchildren spend you energy on them . I know you love your daughter but as an adult she needs to take some responsibility. She probably wont thank you and will blame you for a while but making her stand on her own feet is her only hope ...... I speak from experience

Nanrayna, keep in touch and let us know the progress or lack of it .

NanaRayna, the only thing I can suggest is have her arrested, if out doors on public order or in the house, threatening behaviour, the police will come to you, and be very strong. They will get her assessed and if found to be needed, they can apply to have her sectioned under the mental health act. She is not only endangering herself, but also you and anybody within the close area. You do not have to put up with this behaviour, she needs to be in a place where she cannot get out and where treatment is required to be under taken, be strong save you life and maybe save her's also. If I sound cold and hard, then it is a fact that you have to look after yourself and your grandchildren, you don't want them to start copying her.

You have done all you can, your peace of mind and life is important too,.
Move far far away and live in peace, ( don't give her a forwarding address )
Bless your heart x

Please know that you are loved. I had a wonderful son until he married and moved far away. He developed mental illness, and I found out he was getting money from my mom. He would not get help for his illness, and with his wife stole money from my mom. DM finally told me what was going on, and I wrote to my son and dil with a blazing hot pen. I managed to get that stopped after they had planned to take her life savings from her. After my dad died four years ago from Alzheimers my son came to spend a week with my mom for a week after the funeral. After he had gone home my mom found several things missing and $3,000. cash she had hidden. If I would have had the evidence I would have put him in prison. Since then he informed me that no communication from me would be welcome. My grandchildren don't know about all this, but I did get a chance to explain his illness to them . I didn't want them to feel his behavior was their fault. The last time I saw him at gd dance recital he yelled at me in the parking lot "I don't need a mother. Just go home". my gd cried and gave me the longest hug I ever had. My son has since then made sure that me and the gc can't communicate. I have gotten psychiatric counseling which has helped greatly. I suggest you help yourself to maintain your sanity. We raise them to be good people, but we can't prevent how they turn out.
Remember that you are loved by a lot of us, and we will be praying for you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
The love and support you have sent was not expected, and has given me so much strength and renewed heart. I cannot tell you how much this has meant to me. Bless you all!!
What I didn't say in my long post is that my daughter WAS sectioned last year. The police had to section her. The relief I felt, and the guilt for feeling it!, was overwhelming. There was no good outcome though. Because she was high on drugs at the time of being sectioned, and then behaved herself while being assessed in the Mental Health Unit they could not diagnose her mental illness or insist that she stay beyond the first week. This has now become part of her myth, that she has no mental health issues because she was released.
This was at a time when I had already stepped back, and made boundaries that I had been determinedly keeping. I thought I was going the tough love path. Then the police rang me to ask for background and to be the 'next of kin' for the sectioning. That dragged me right back into it. And I've not regained my safe space since.
Thank you, so much for the signposting to Families Anonymous, Al-Anon and MIND UK. I shall be contacting them over the next few days, when my girl is not going to overhear, or read over my shoulder. Living out in the wilds, there may only be one of those agencies near enough to attend, but even one would be 100% improvement on my helpless stumbling here. None of those bodies would even have occurred to me as options, so am extra grateful. I'll update with any progress made either through them or via my own GP.
Whatever happens afterwards, your wonderful words of kindness and understanding have been such a comfort and a boost. Bless you and thank you.

I’ve spent many years working in the field of addiction and believe that no one can make her alter her behaviour until she’s ready to do it herself.
Nana Rayna, you need to look after yourself and accept that you’ve done all you can to support her but you can’t do any more.
There are a couple of charities which support the families of addicts and run support groups and chats on the phone which may help you.
I don’t like the term tough love but I do believe in consistent love so that you tell her what you’re prepared to do and stick to it.
It’s really hard dealing with an addict in the family’s l send you my best wishes and lots of hugs

Oh u poor poor soul my heart aches for u what can I say u have tried and tried and I guess u will go on trying but what more can u really do some people r beyond help and it sounds like yr daughter is one of them that has this self destruct button within her. I hope so much that u can find some peace

Not sure if this is a good idea or not, but, if SS, Crisis Team or Police can't help you, how about getting your locks changed and going away somewhere. Even if it was to a reasonably close nice B+B so if you wanted you could drive past or get a taxi to just make sure your house is o.k. You might consider putting anything valuable or special in the care of someone you can trust. I don't know if it would also be advisable to warn SS and Police that no one has permission to stay in your house so if there is a scene while you are 'away ', she cannot gain access to your house.
It sounds brutal and is inconvenient but you deserve some respite from this situation. An envelope pinned to the door could hold a letter for your daughter explaining that whilst you will always love her you can no longer cope with having her living with you.

NanaRayna, I really feel for you. You are in an awful situation.

Addiction is devastating, not only for the addict, but for their family. You seem at the end of your rope and that is understandable and to be expected.

You cannot force your daughter to seek treatment. Addiction is not recognised as a mental illness (although I think it should be). She needs to hit her rock bottom. It goes against every instinct in us, but you need to let that happen. Helping her out is only enabling her addiction.

I think you would really benefit from attending a local al-anon group and speaking to people who are/have been in your situation. You will get so much support and advice there.

There is nothing stronger than denial, and your daughter sounds deep in it. There is nothing you can do here I’m afraid. You need to look after yourself as the addict will take from you until you have nothing left to give.

Please be kind to yourself and don’t be afraid to say no.