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Silent Treatment

(47 Posts)
TrishaJ Tue 16-Apr-19 21:53:12

My son forty three is giving me the silent treatment we had a misunderstood a few weeks ago and he would not answer my calls or texts message when I final it got to speak to Him we sorted it out and we where fine, but once again he is not answering my calls or my texts I don't know what I have done wrong is it all in my head, should I tackle him or let him get in touch with me

crazyH Tue 16-Apr-19 22:03:24

My adult son (almost same age as yours) has always been a difficult boy - I seem to be treading on eggshells all the time. It all came to a head last summer, at a family get-together......started over something silly and escalated to the point where he said the nastiest of things to me, so nasty I choose to forget it, though it's hard. Things have never been the same. Since his marriage, I always communicate via his wife. He and I never really chat on the phone......we meet, say once a month over a home -cooked meal or out at a restaurant. That's as far as our relationship goes. I have to add, he works away a lot and when he's home, he likes to spend his time with his wife and kiddies, understandably.
Your son is probably busy. I wouldn't read too much into it. Good luck !!

TrishaJ Tue 16-Apr-19 22:11:30

Aw thank you so much, my sister also says I am reading to much into it and to leave it only let him approach me.

M0nica Wed 17-Apr-19 08:30:28

Why do people always think it is their fault?

If your son wants to behave like a sulky three year old leave him to it. When he has got over his fit of sulks just ignore his silly behaviour in the way you would with a real three year old.

Urmstongran Wed 17-Apr-19 08:37:04

People who sulk always rely on someone coaxing them out of it. Strange behaviour, all about ‘me’.

sodapop Wed 17-Apr-19 08:40:18

Not easy is it Trisha but MOnica is right, your son is an adult leave him alone until he can behave like one.

Fennel Wed 17-Apr-19 10:46:18

I agree M0nica, it's probably sulking.
I once read a story where a husband refused to speak to his wife because she had hidden something important from him. They had counselling, and at one point he said "ok I've punished her enough - I'll speak to her now". shock.
If I was the woman, after hearing that I would have gone into a strop myself.

Angeleyes58xx Wed 17-Apr-19 10:48:30

Trishaj, I feel for you, I’m in the same situation with 2 of my boys #men but they will always be my boys 😂 I am heartbroken 😭.
I hope you can get things sorted out with your son, don’t let him make you feel it’s your fault, stick to your gun and wait for him to come to you. Sending you love n hugs 🤗 xx

CassieJ Wed 17-Apr-19 10:50:11

I too have had to walk on egg shells around my son. He is also 43. We had a massive falling out almost two years ago when he was vile to me for no reason [ came out of the blue ]. We got past that as we didn't talk about his behaviour, though I was very wary of what I did and said around him.
I had counselling last year and it was the best thing I did. It has made me realise that the problem is his, not mine and I feel that has helped me hugely to stand up to him.
November just past, again things came to a head. I wouldn't fall into line with what he wanted, and he refused to understand my feelings as to his treatment of me.

Since then we haven't spoken at all. I cannot put my self in that place again as he was making me ill. I can't see at the moment that we can ever get passed this.

As an adult I now leave him to it. He wouldn't speak to anyone else the way he feels he can speaks to me. It is hard, but you have your own life. If your son decides to behave this way, leave him to it. They are very good at making you think it is you, when actually it is them that has the problem.

ayokunmi1 Wed 17-Apr-19 10:57:29

Then let him be absolutely out of order who is he to treat you with such disregard.
Lack of total respect .
Ignore him his your son not your friend .

Telly Wed 17-Apr-19 10:59:41

He is an adult and as such should at least treat you with some respect. Perhaps it's time to let go and let him live his life. If/when he chooses to contact you, fine but trying to second guess what he is thinking is pointless and not constructive. Keep busy and leave him be. Best wishes

Hymnbook Wed 17-Apr-19 11:00:52

My son is 50. He is fine on his own but his wife influences him. I phone they don't answer l text no response l arrange to go over to see them they are only 20 minutes by bus one reason l moved here. At the last minute an excuse is made can l come another time. I've given up. It's sad because it means l don't see my son or my 4 granddaughters.

fizzers Wed 17-Apr-19 11:36:32

I had a boyfriend that used to sulk and give me the silent treatment for no apparent reason, it got so bad I walked away from that relationship and never looked back

Kerenhappuch Wed 17-Apr-19 11:40:28

It's not your responsibility to make him talk to you. You've tried your best, the ball is in his court to respond now. He's behaving very childishly, but at 43 it is no longer mum's job to coax him out of sulking.

25Avalon Wed 17-Apr-19 11:54:58

He really has got you in to a state. One sulky falling out treatment by him and then you are programmed to think the worse every time he doesn't respond to your calls and this has you walking on eggshells all the time. I would just try to ignore it and get on with your life. Leave him to come round in his own good time.

grandtanteJE65 Wed 17-Apr-19 12:03:37

He may have done the same as my son did recently.

He genuinely forgot to give me his new telephone number when his phone was stolen and his partner didn't return my calls either.

I resorted to a good old-fashioned letter sent by post to get hold of him. Perhaps you should do the same.

Harris27 Wed 17-Apr-19 12:07:23

Such sadness I have boys and two are fine one just dies t bother so u just seem him if and when no bad feeling just a bit hurt on my part.

Missiseff Wed 17-Apr-19 12:15:50

It's five months today since I last saw my son, 33. He's cut me out of his life completely and it's killing me. His words at our last meeting were 'you'll grieve for a bit then learn to live with it'. Five months on and it still hurts as much as it did when he walked away, and I'll never get over it. We used to be so close, speak every day, more than once. I was so involved in his life yet it was my daughter who told me he'd recently got engaged. I cried for hours! Is he going to get married without me? It's breaking my heart. He only lives less than five minutes away & I've stopped going to the local shops in case I bump into him because last time I did I tried talking to him & it ended with me collapsing in the street after he said some very hurtful things. My daughter won't get involved as my relationship with her isn't great either, yet she loves to tell him when we have spats, adding fuel to his fire. I've admitted my faults, saw a counsellor who told me I am a good person and don't deserve this cruelty but it's really hard to believe when the ones closest to me are the ones making me feel the lowest of the low. Christmas Day was horrendous, just me and my hubby on our own. My heart ached on my Son's birthday, I sent a card and present but got no acknowledgement. The pain of not receiving a Mothers Day card from him will stay with me forever. He chose that day to announce his engagement on social media. My birthday was very hard. Again no card or message. So so painful. How he thinks I'll learn to live with it is beyond me. SO, you are not alone, I feel for you x

ReadyMeals Wed 17-Apr-19 12:21:02

Mine's been nearly two years. He has the occasional day when he will speak pleasantly in a text message then it's silence again for weeks or months. But he absolutely will not visit even when he's in the area, if someone suggests it to him he tells them "I'm not speaking to my mum" and won't say why. Not even when I ask myself. He's early 40s too.

Shazmo24 Wed 17-Apr-19 13:17:50

You've made up so just stop calling and texting him...he's no doubt busy with work/life etc so just leave him be You do not have to keep contacting him...I speak to my 2 children or text them once a week but sometimes it can be a couple of sounds as though you have too much time on your hands so look at what you can do to not call him

Jennyluck Wed 17-Apr-19 13:45:44

Well , I’m glad I’m not on my own. My oldest son hasn’t spoken to me for 3 years. I was banned from his wedding. The last time we met up he was so vile to me, it felt like he hated me. Like everyone else I was heartbroken and just couldn’t get past it. I wish I’d had counselling, it would have helped.
3 years on, I’ve learnt to live with him not being in my life. I know it’s not about getting my own back for the hurt he’s caused me, but I’ve taken him out of my will.

Barmeyoldbat Wed 17-Apr-19 13:46:17

Leave him to it, stop calling and apologising to an adult behaving like a 5 year old. He might just call you if you don't call him for a month.

Pandagran Wed 17-Apr-19 13:47:33

Ouch! harsh! Shazmo24, I'm new here and was under the the impression it's all about supporting!
Sending you a big hug TrishaJ

red1 Wed 17-Apr-19 13:59:19

adults rarely behave like that unless there is a reason? getting to the reason can be the tricky bit.A few years ago I said to both my sons' if there is anything in the past that I did or did not do ,im sorry' it was said with a lighthearted feel but they really heard what I said.there will always be some tensions in families,i hope it gets resolved

ReadyMeals Wed 17-Apr-19 14:05:35

Mine's never been vile to me. When he does speak he's sort of amiable but distant. The problem is it only happens about two or three times a year, and he tells everyone else he's not speaking to me or that we don't get on. But we've not had any rows. Not since he was a teenager and refused to go to school. Then I used to have a go at him cos I was being threatened with jail. He did and does say things like "I didn't make rules so I don't have to observe them" and he says the same about social expectations. Some people say of him that he's the oldest teenager they know. Is it good to be that young at heart? Maybe it's good for him. I don't bother him much these days; I just text him if there is important family news like someone's just died, and he replies "Thank you for letting me know" then doesn't respond to any further conversation.