Silent Treatment

I would dearly love to see my son, he died in 2007.
At least if there not in touch all the time your sons are around.

Sheilasue, yes once your loved ones are dead there is no chance except to hope they will be somewhere waiting for you one day.

TrishaJ. I honestly think you might be being over-sensitive. I have so much in common with you and feel so sorry for you as I know how distressed you feel. I suspect I'm older than you as I went through this some years ago until I realised that I was imagining that they didn't want to contact me and that their lives were just so incredibly busy. I had to take the line that "no news is good news". I find that our children's generation are having a very hard time and working all hours as well as raising children who are also worked very hard at school. I think their lives are quite stressful compared with ours at their age, except that I had a different problem to deal with that had nothing to do with different generations. So do try to loosen up about him and his family and be ready for when he gets in touch. I know that men are bad at that but try not to contact him too much. I learned that the younger generation - those with children at school - hate what they call "needy" people recently! I picked it up from a friend whose ex was visiting his GC and his DD had said this to her mother! Then I heard it again from the DD of another friend about her in-laws! It seems to be the latest word in some circles!

I wondered if you could find yourself some new interest(s), to take your mind off the family? This is what I did. I do think our generation need each other for support and friendship because or children live such busy different lives from us there is a generation gap, however much we try to overcome it. I love my children and think they are good, but I do know that there have been times when they have no idea what my life is like now that I am disabled and alone. In many ways I do not want them to know but at one time I felt they were critical that I was not the old very active person, on-top of everything, as I used to be, and that hurt me desperately. At that time it was my dear friends here on GNet who supported me.
So please do not worry! I can tell you are a good mum! Now it's your turn to do whatever you want! Lots of love Elle

Sheilasue. I am so sorry. I can't think of a pain worse, than to lose your child. I do hope you can feel peace and hope in your heart.
I had a "near-death experience" as it is called, when I died and went out of my body. The Doctor thought I was dead. I was haemorrhaging after childbirth and my baby was born apparently dead. I saw my body from above and laughed because it looked so long. Then a being was on my left and we flew very fast through what I thought was space, towards a beautiful bright clear white light. It was so bright and white but did not dazzle me and I could not take my eyes off it. As we got near, there were many more beings, mainly to my right, and they were singing and calling to me and they all knew me and were so excited to see me and welcome me, it was wonderful and I was really happy and excited too! Then, without words being used, I was given the message that "now is not the time" and I was turned around and whooshed very fast back the way I came and into the room in the hospital and back into my body through the hole just above and between my eye-brows.

I heard the doctor shouting at me to stay with them and they had a drip in my arm. The doctor had started my baby's heart. She was alive. That was why I had to come back.

All this is absolutely true I promise you. Please do know your son is alive and well and with friends and is very happy. He does not want you to be unhappy. Although I was not there long enough to find out, I do believe that you will see him again and I do believe that he watches over you with love and may even try to send you messages of love to reassure you that he is fine. Do your best to cope, please. With all my love, Elle

Tillybelle that is a lovely experience to keep with you through life.

I am another one with that problem. Son fell out with us as (short version) couldn’t/ wouldn’t take on board that I was ill. He made demands on us that we could not cope with. He was in his 50s. Anyhow he cut us off. So stressed and developed bad eczema then one day came to senses and my health improved. We do now have some limited contact after over four years. Things hopefully will improve in the future for you. Chin up.

My friend once decided to punish her husband by not speaking to him. After a few days she realised it wasn't working. He rather liked it!

(She's a vivacious lady of Irish descent. I rather suspect her definition of 'not speaking' may have meant 'not chattering unnecessarily )

I have'nt heard a word from my eldest son for almost twelve years,since the day after my husbands funeral. He does'nt phone ,I dont even know his address,got his mobile number and I text , no reply. If he can't be bothered ,why should I. I don't worry about him ,he obviously does'nt worry about me. Can't go through life worrying we're not here long enough.

No it's not in your head. More likely it's in his.

crazyh wrote: My adult son (almost same age as yours) has always been a difficult boy - I seem to be treading on eggshells all the time.

Yes, me too and about 15 years ago now he decided not to speak to me at all and included his brother, with whom he'd been very close, in the same deal.

At first it hurt but then I realised the relief of no longer 'treading on eggshells' I miss him still and love him very much but now, in my elder years, I wonder how well I'd cope with his unpredictable nature.

I have come to believe that perhaps he's slightly autistic as several other quirks, especially an inability to cope with emotion, seem to point to that.

I hoped I'd get a greeting on my 70th but he was never one to celebrate birthdays, even his own.

I still hope I might see him again before I die.

My brother, in his fifties behaves similarly. He says some terrible things, and then blocks me from his phone. When it suits him, he'll get back in touch. He does the same to others, including his support workers. He has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. It seems that this condition causes people to blame others, and cast them aside.

Sheila sue......what's worse than the pain you are going through. Like Tillybelle, I do believe in the after life, and you will see him one day .
Oh Bradford lass, I hope you see your son ...you are not going anywhere just yet.
And to all going through such pain, trust me, while there's life, there's hope

This happened to me a few years ago. My son decided to have a go at me about a situation which was nothing to do with him or anyone else except me and the other person involved.

His then fiance was the one who told him about my argument with that person, and he decided to tell me what he thought of me, not wanting to hear my side of the story.

I put my foot down. Told him it was none of his business and that our relationship was over if he felt he could treat me so disrespectfully. We didn't speak for a year, and I was so angry I was glad of the silence. I just got on with my life, even though it was upsetting at the time.

Then I bumped into him. He said hello, I said hello. We both asked how the other was and communication returned. He got married a few weeks ago to a wonderful woman, and I was so proud to be at his side.

I have learned to keep my distance when someone has hurt me until I am, or they are, ready to resume a relationship. I think you both need time out.

TrishaJ I’m starting to believe there is something quite wrong in the heads of the 40 yr olds now days. You are certainly not alone with this type behavior. Last May I told my daughter we were not going to be able to travel the 10 hrs to and to back attend our granddaughters high school graduation. Our dog had just had major back surgery and ended up totally paralyzed in her back legs which meant totally incontinent as well. We had no one who could or would take that responsibility. As well, I was going through cancer treatments. I received a vicious email from my 44 yr old daughter blaming me for moving so far away, blaming my other daughter for never helping, accusing me of lying about being sick and telling me to leave my granddaughter alone, that she would write when she felt like it. Sadly, that hasn’t happened yet - I’m sure her mother has poisoned her mind about me for some reason. She does write to my husband which upsets him. I never answered her as I wasn’t sure what I could possibly say. How do you defend yourself to your children when you don’t have a clue what is going on in their minds? If I were you I would just let it all go, put it aside and wait until you hear from him. And you will. He is a man not a child and doesn’t want his mum bugging him over and over. He’s ACTING like a child true, so ignore him until he gets over his sulks.

People who use 'Silent Treatment' as a punishment to other's do not usually respond well to being confronted and ignoring them is then playing into their silly game and lowering your values and behaviour to their standards. The best response I have learned is to carry on communicating like you normally would (send texts etc) and just disregard the fact you do not get a reply. So if you want to invite them to something you just go ahead, then if they do not respond you take this as a refusal, carry on regardless and just invite again another time. This way you keep your dignity, politeness and friendly side and they hopefully one day realise the silent treatment is wasted on you as it never affects you.

TrishaJ what did you fall out over? What was the misunderstanding?

He might just need some time and space for a bit.

Brilliant answer Brandybutter. It works as experienced the silent treatment myself.

Thank you so much just getting this of my chest makes me feel better and i will leave him alone until he hopefully gets in touch.
Regards Trisha

Like Brandybutter I used to enjoy a bit of sport when the Bodach would go into a silent sulk by pretending not to notice the cool tone and monosyllabic answers! He soon gave it up.

Missiseff it's 6.5 years since our youngest son cut us out of his and our only GC's lives. It's still very early days for you and I remember that unbearable pain that you're experiencing.

It does ease with time.

TrishaJ I agree with all who've already suggested that you leave your son to get on with it. There's nothing you can do but wait and hope that he grows up,

Adults have allot of things on their minds. He might just be busy and have no time to get back to you. Or the misunderstanding you had was enough for him to stay away from you for a while, he might just be sorting through it in his head. I can't exactly chose sides as I wasn't there when it happened. He might have a reason to be giving you the silent treatment who knows.

Sheilasue, my deepest condolences. Losing a child, even an adult child, is the worst possible thing I can think of. My heart is aching for you...

TrishaJ, I understand why you're wondering about ds lack of contact. Perhaps he is just busy, as others have said, or maybe he doesn't feel you "sorted it out" or that you two are "fine" the way you do. Refusing to answer messages, blocking on facebook (you didn't say that, I know), etc. are all part of a tactic today of going nc (no contact). There is a whole thread here about it. Sometimes,it's temporary, just till the son or daughter works things out in their own mind. If ds is deliberately ignoring you, hopefully, it's just temporary with him. When you sorted things out, did you apologize for whatever it was that upset him? Did you make it clear you wouldn't do whatever it was again? If not, maybe he still needs that, Idk. Regardless, I agree with pps (previous posters) that you should now just wait till he makes the next move.

Oh, but is there any other way you have of contacting him that you haven't tried? Like a pm on facebook? If so, then you might try that. Some people are just more open to communicating one way than in others. Otherwise, I'd go with the ball-in-his-court attitude and be patient, as hard as that may be.

But there is so much pain in this thread, I am so sorry. Maybe some of these ac are "sulking," but more likely they are following the "script" that so many young people seem to be following today when they are angry with their parents, etc. (see the No Contact thread). Perhaps the reasons are in those angry words that so many of them seem to have said? Have any of you tried apologizing for what they say has hurt them? If so, what was the response? I'm not in this situation, fortunately, but I'm asking because, "there but for the grace of God, go I." Hugs to you all!