Aggressive husband

I’m holding back as my mums old and it would really hurt her and I don’t want her to know about him

Are you a mother, Telegran? I presume you are. Would you rather not know what is happening to your daughter and for her to continue to be in danger and have her mental health severely affected?

Of course not.

In a similar situation. He had pushed open my bedroom door one morning,out of the blue and said 'Look at you lying there, like a great fat,xxxxxxx,lazy sow.' Never physical,just more of the same. I went downstairs and said I have messaged my sister about what you are saying and she says I am to phone the police about you as it is abuse of your wife and abuse of the elderly.
He was quite shocked. I had heard someone on the radio saying, if you know of anyone with a pessimistic personality disorder ,steer clear of them. He sucks the oxygen from the air. I told the GP and said I didn't know how long I could carry on,he said 'Aren't you lucky that he feels well enough to complain?

I really feel for you and please,please,take care of yourself. Once you start to be strong,it will help you to get stronger.

Well done pudding 123 I hope everything goes well for you. I will get there I’m sure. The odd bird to answer your question why have I stayed so long ? One because I have 2 children with anxiety issues one being autistic and dyslexic.
And because until yesterday I didn’t realise what he was because it’s been so long now I’ve got more used to it but the telling me to go commit suicide really hurt me so much that’s when I joined here and had got some really nice responses from people who have suffered the same and worse I’m sure . I honestly didn’t realise how bad things were but I do now . And I suppose my patience and good nature I’m always willing to help people not to do them wrong . I hope that helps you see why I stayed so long I’ve had others to think about and not just myself.

Well done Pudding123. I send you peace and love for the next chapter of your life x

I posted a similar message to your in January and I got wonderful support and advise.,I saw a solicitor and am getting all my ducks in a row ,I intend to have our house valued at the end of May when he goes on holiday (on his own).I have been sorting things out so I can do all this.I think know exactly how you feel and it is horrible,the atmosphere is shocking and we put up with it because basically we are too nice and don't want to cause a fuss.Keep us posted i feel for you and sent you love and all my support .

Leave leave leave. You are in danger of physical abuse. Can I ask why you have stayed with him all these years if he has been like this for all that time?

He sounds a deeply unhappy man, this makes him disturbed and he is taking it out on you, I wonder if he may become very dangerous to you? I wonder if you have children? (You may have said, and I haven’t noticed). Does he ever acknowledge that he is the cause of your unhappiness? As others have said, you need proper advice and a detailed assessment of your circumstances. You could confront him with an ally, but that may make him dangerous. The bottom line is that this is completely unacceptable traumatising bullying behaviour. And confusing for you if sometimes he is kindly...

This is domestic abuse: Get in touch with women's aid
www.womensaid.org.uk/

Get there help and support. They will be with you whatever you decide to do. You don't have to be leaving him to be in contact with them. (I hope you will be though)

Go incognito on your laptop/phone if needs be to keep you safe. Though I believe now it is not traceable through history if you have visited these website or similar for safety reasons.

Get out before the years grind you down. It won't get better. I know as I spent 16 years in domestic abuse. It took my physical and mental health. The aftermath was hell because I stayed too long. I had 4 children by the ex.

I am not saying it is easy to leave and start again. What I am saying is the sooner you do it the better it will be. Women's Aid will support you and the linked services through it all.

Self care: anyone who is affected by your actions will be more affected if you stay re your mom, I think you said.

Two women a week still die from domestic abuse. 1 in 4 women will be in abuse in there lifetimes. How many children is that then seeing domestic abuse and being affected by it? On average two children per abused woman. That is alot of children. They average it at 1 in 5 children.

If you haven't got children thank god as you can make a clean break. If you have for there sake get out as it will damage them.

Mine were 15, 13, 11 and 4 when we finally fled. We all have good decent lives today. The ex is no longer in any of our lives in any way shape or form by their choice. My husband was and is the Dad he didn't have to be to them (unfortunately he passed away unexpectedly last year)

Don't leave it like me until they are much older as there will be so much extra recovery as well as your own to deal with. Thank goodness mine are all in good safe happy places today with families of their own. It's more unusual than usual for this to be the case.

Please, please get help. Like you I was oblivious to I was in domestic abuse as I didn't fit the stereo type mould of what I thought domestic abuse was. I have been left 19 years now and happily remarried. The scars still remain. However away from them we can get into good long term recovery

Thanks everyone have to be careful he’s in the same room I’m ok thanks I be back when I can

Oh Telegran please seek help, I genuinely believe what you're experiencing is called coercive control, it's a form of abuse , take a look at the following link.

www.cedarnetwork.org.uk/about/supporting-recovery/what-is-domestic-abuse/what-is-coercive-control/

Regardless of when/if you leave him, you need to know that your finances will be safe. You don't want to escape to a place of refuge and find you have no money. Money is most important. If you can transfer some of your joint account into a separate one do so. Speak to a solicitor about your money worries.
I am sorry that you have these problems. My husband had dementia and although he did not physically abuse me he was verbally aggressive in public, shouted at me in restaurants, and accused me of putting poison in his food, wanting to put a bullet in his brain.etc. In public!!
If he had hit me I would have left after speaking to a solicitor and to the police. I was lucky in a way. Best wishes, Telegran.

Having been through something similar myself, I can say that this is definitely emotional abuse. I agree with the suggestion to contact Women's Aid - perhaps Refuge too.

No one has to live like this. I divorced my husband in 2017 and I now have a lovely new male friend in my life. He's encouraging and respects me. He sent me a text this morning to wish me a happy Easter Day and to tell me he 'loves me lots'!

You are worth much more. Believe it and please do something about your situation. This man will never change; things will only get worse.

Thanks icanhandthemback.
You’re right it’s not that simple to just go . He has threatened me in the past in front of a family member who heard him tell me he would burn the house down with me in it but they were a young teenager at the time . He knows I’m not on my medication now for anxiety and he doesn’t like it at all because he’s also told me he will get me sectioned one day ! I feel safe enough at the moment he’s just very quiet doesn’t like me having a comment to make about anything such as you got the music on abit loud shall I get you the headphones! Well that was enough he’s gone in a major sulk now again I’ve been given the silent treatment for the last few hours but that’s ok it’s nice and sunny outside I’m going to get a tan lol . Thanks again

I contacted IDAS try them. I was in this situation for 26 years but 1 day I just got up took a few things and walked out. Never went back, I deserve better as do you x

This behaviour not acceptable for all this time,thought it might be early signs of dementia but unlikely for all this time. Need to make decision re your future,peace and tranquillity needed in later life,good luck

I would endorse everyone else's view, get out while you can. If you live in the uk phone National Women's Aid helpline (0808 2000 247) it is run 7days a week, they will give you advice. Whether his aggression is is bought on by illness really is irrelevant it is obviously affecting your health.

My husband was the most mild mannered man you could imagine then after 25 years of marriage he started getting angry and abusive. I arranged for him to see a doctor and I went with him. He claimed everything was my fault and I was the one who needed help. He was diagnosed with mixed dementia and eventually sectioned under Section 3 of the Mental Health Act and has now been in a hospital for two years and a care home for the following two years in a male only unit. Good luck and I hope things turn out for you OK.

Then I apologise if I worded it clumsily. I didn't mean to cause extra problems for Telegran.

I don't suppose you meant anything by it but Telegran, are you serious? You have to ASK if he's being abusive? just struck me that you had no idea of the psychology of it all. This lady sounds like she has had a lifetime of having someone put her down, being vehement with their views and feeling unsure of herself that she probably doesn't need it on here. I'd also hate anybody else who was going through the same thing not to come on here to ask for advice because they thought we would think they were stupid.

Telegran, first of all, welcome to Gransnet. Second, I commend you for sharing and hope this is the first step towards improving your life

Narcissist, threatening, abusive, controlling bully with violent tendencies; he makes a tense atmosphere within your home, isolates you from friends & family and intentionally cuts off any means of escape or relief for you - your husband shows all the classic signs of being an abusive husband that is potentially very dangerous. You say you have already had to have medication for anxiety and it sounds like his constant put-downs, threats, verbal abuse contributed or was the main cause of this. Your home is somewhere that you should be able to relax, breathe easy, feel safe and secure, be able to invite friends and family round for company, celebrations, meals etc - it should not be his personal battleground. How long before he starts carrying out some of his more extreme threats? Abusers do not stop, their behaviours worsen. I hope you can keep yourself safe whilst working out what you want to do. Anyone who has experienced any form of an abusive partner/domestic violence and got out of that relationship is likely to advise you to leave him or get him to leave. It does not sound like dementia, it sounds like abuse. It never ends well if he is allowed to continue his utter domination and he will not like anything that impedes his 100% control, but the priority has to be your physical and emotional safety.

I agree with other people that have posted not to worry about your elderly mum as she would almost certainly want you safe and well, out of harm's reach, and happy. However other people might be affected by decisions you make can be dealt with at a later date - right now you need to focus on your needs and make some tough decisions. Abusers rely on secrecy, on their targeted victims keeping quiet and internalising everything - this is a big part of why so many people have these problems over longer periods of time.

I can't reiterate enough how important it is for you to be aware of your personal safety. Know that Gransnet is here to support you, prop you up when you are down etc. Please take care of yourself, if you have any friends or family you can trust then reach out, share, unburden yourself and accept their help. I know I will be thinking about your post and worrying about you. Be careful, be safe, be yourself and be happy. Best wishes

youbtge you the

Call Women’s Aid and get the call logged. They are extremely helpful, or were to my daughter. Also if it should come to Court you may be eligible for Legal Aid if Women’s Aid have been involved.

Bless you, what an awful time you have had, as have many others it seems looking at through the posts.

I can't see him agreeing to see a counsellor as he doesn't want to give up his overbearing aggressive behaviour which he obviously thrives on.
Married 24 years possibly means that you are in your 50s if it's a first marriage so my advice would be to leave. No warning, just get advice from a solicitor or CAB (if in the UK) gather all your paperwork (bank, insurance, loans, mortgage, birth and marriage certificates etc) into a file. Start packing your clothes and leave them with your mum and separate your bank account if you have a joint one.
Don't, at any stage, let your OH know what you're doing as he might go berserk and burn your clothes, freeze the bank account etc.
If he sees you taking clothes out just say they are going to the charity shop.
On the day you plan to leave for good, get a friend and a man (relative?) to be there with you.
Don't let him know your new address and tell banks and other companies you personally deal with, to send mail to your mum's address or arrange to collect from the Post Office. Make sure they know not to send your personal mail to your OH's address as you can be sure that he'd read and/or destroy it.
Don't forget to visit your local council for emergency accommodation whether or not you stay with mum for a few days.
I wish youbtge very best of luck but you are probably young enough to start again.
Don't, under any circumstances blab to friends as it might backfire and your OH might hear about your plans, just look forward to freedom and a happier future.

I would recommend finding your nearest CAB for assistance. Not only do they have a list of organisations that could help but, if you are very frightened by what your husband might do, they can refer you for specialist help.

I don't see how that was putting her down? Just making it vehemently clear that there is no question whatsoever about whether that is abuse - in case she was still dithering over it.