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I miss my DiL

(56 Posts)
BabyLayla Sat 27-Apr-19 10:17:16

Just what it says, my son was married for 14 years we thought happily. My DiL was truly amazing and I loved ( still do) her so much for just being a lovely person, she looked after her family alongside working at a very taxing job. Sadly my son let her down by having a rather public affair.
They have children in late teens now so I know times move on and everyone is so busy. But I miss her so much. I do have 2 daughters and get on well with them but my DiL was so special, I don’t know what I’m expecting from posting but have woken this morning with an acute miss and wish tomorrow was going to be a chaotic Sunday lunch with kids and dogs everywhere and her happy to make the Yorkshire’s

Jane10 Sat 27-Apr-19 10:26:38

It's only your son who has let her down. There's no reason for you to cut ties with her. Make contact. I'm sure she'll be glad of your support.

midgey Sat 27-Apr-19 10:29:30

I would think that she may be missing you too. Get in touch!

glammanana Sat 27-Apr-19 10:40:24

Can you meet your DIL for lunch and tell her how much you miss her cpmpany she sounds such a lovely person,possilby she doesn't know how to carry on your relationship after being let down so badly by your son.
Tell your son what you are doing and how much you miss her he has behaved badly and should know how much you are missing your DIL.

maryeliza54 Sat 27-Apr-19 10:45:05

I agree- get in touch. I know several examples like this where mil and dil havea lovely relationship post split and where ds was an utter rat. I would’t personally say anything to him until it’s all a fait accompli - don’t give him the opportunity to veto what you want to do.

tanith Sat 27-Apr-19 10:51:01

My mil and I became good friends after her son and I divorced and became much closer in fact after her son died many years later myself and my husband became her only source of support until she sadly passed away at 93 last year.

Do make contact with her she sounds lovely.

Namsnanny Sat 27-Apr-19 11:03:37

It's miserable isn't it, when life gets in the way of a good relationship?
Is there any reason you cant get in touch with her?
As others have said she might be missing you as well!

annsixty Sat 27-Apr-19 11:05:29

I still have a good relationship with ex DiL after many years.
I am "Nana" to the children she has had in her current relationship.
Life is really too short.

Liz46 Sat 27-Apr-19 11:24:29

Our neighbour was divorced from her unfaithful husband. When he came to collect his children there would often be 'words' on the doorstep and he was not allowed to come into the house. His mother continued to help with the four children and if she answers the door when he collects the children, she does not allow him in either!

Bopeep14 Sat 27-Apr-19 11:26:10

I missed my ex daughter in law to be, they never got married but were together 15 years.
Like everyone else says there is no reason for you not to still have contact with her, unless it would cause problems between you and your son.
We cut ties with ours by request of our son, it broke my heart, but we did it for him, but since he has gone NC we have since reconnected and its wonderful. She was and always will be part of the family.

Bibbity Sat 27-Apr-19 11:27:04

I am sorry. She’s been a close member of your family for 14 years I’m not surprised you’re feeling so low sad
Your son is the one at fault and he has no say over yours and hers relationship. Are you able to reach out to her and invite her for dinner or to meet up for a coffee?

I’ve never been in her position but on MN a lot of women in her position do post and speak of the sadness of losing wonderful ILs. It could be that she’s also missing you.

BabyLayla Sat 27-Apr-19 11:55:49

Thankyou all for replies.
I am in touch with her & have offered lunches, coffee etc I don’t think there is any problem other than she is so busy with work, GC and animals and now GC no longer need looking after, it’s months since I saw any of them.
Hopefully with the better weather and lighter evenings.

Bibbity Sat 27-Apr-19 11:58:02

It’s great that you are in contact. It’s so hard to find a moment in all of the chaos. But you’ve done great to keep the lines of communication open and I’m sure that when she can she will meet up.
It’s wonderful that you embraced the relationship you had and didn’t let any bias cloud your judgement. You DIL and GC are really lucky to have you.

Wobbles Sat 27-Apr-19 12:02:07

When I split up from and consequently divorced my ExH, my MIL was my rock. Our relationship never altered and I truly loved her for it.
Contact your DIL, meet up, hug, tell her you miss her and still want to be part of her her life.

Wobbles Sat 27-Apr-19 12:04:59

BabyLayla That's lovely news. flowers

Mossfarr Sat 27-Apr-19 12:30:07

I too loved my DIL very much - until she decided to have an affair and messed with my sons mind so badly that she drove him to the point of suicide. He had a complete breakdown and ended up in a psychiatric hospital. She walked out with their two boys when he was absolutely at rock bottom and carries on as though she's done nothing wrong. I can't stand her now but have to continue to speak and be civil to her or we would never get to speak to our beloved grandsons.

In your position I would definitely contact your DIL, you (and she) have done nothing wrong and it can only be good for your Grandchildren.

Grammaretto Sat 27-Apr-19 12:35:03

Sounds like you're doing the best you can. Well done!
I got very attached to my DS's first serious gf, as did his sister. She was lovely.
It was hard when they split and I wanted to remain friends but it was obvious my DS didn't, so we just had to stop all contact.

OurKid1 Sat 27-Apr-19 17:12:17

I've had a similar situation, except that it was my DIL who had the affair. I loved her (I have two sons, so it was lovely to have a 'daughter') and always will. We are still in touch, meet up occasionally to have lunch, a shopping trip and a chat. She knows that if push came to shove I would side with my son, but I haven't been put in that position, luckily, especially as I can see both sides.

Having said that, and although I am sorry their marriage ended, my son is much more relaxed and happier than he has been for a while. Mixed feelings then, but, yes, I do understand how you feel.

Floradora9 Sat 27-Apr-19 17:42:53

I have a friend who is in close contact with her ex SIL. She even became friends with his new wife and despite that marriage also failing she keeps in touch with wife number two .

Starlady Sat 27-Apr-19 17:51:20

BabyLayla, I'm sorry about what ds did and about his divorce. Good that you're still in touch with dil though. Being friendly with an xdil is wonderful, Imo, if ds doesn't mind. And I don't see why he should since it seems he's the one who betrayed her, not vice versa. In some cases, I know, when dil finds a new man/dh she begins to pull away from her xils for obvious reasons. But, in other cases, they manage to stay very friendly.

Mossfar and OurKid1, I feel for you, also. Imo, your situations are somewhat different than the op's because your in your stories, it was ds who was betrayed. I totally get why you're angry at xdil, Mossfar, and applaud you for managing to stay civil. OurKid, are you sure ds doesn't feel hurt by your continued relationship with the woman who cheated on him? If he isn't, that's great! Glad he seems happier, too.

Bopeep, once again, I'm sorry your son went nc. But glad to see there is a silver lining, the renewed relationship with xdil.

BradfordLass72 Sun 28-Apr-19 08:01:54

I'm glad to read you're in contact - you are now just two women who like one another and I really hope your relationship continues to flourish.

Luckygirl Sun 28-Apr-19 09:40:20

It is lovely to hear that you love your DIL enough to miss her! There are so many woesome tales on here about folk who do not get on with their AC's partners.

But I am sorry that your son let her down - you must feel he has let you down too by his actions, as well as missing your DIL. What a sorry situation for you to have to deal with.

Someone up thread said that perhaps you might just get in touch and tell her you miss her and enjoyed her company. Perhaps you can meet up now and again. Your warm feelings are likely to be mutual. Do not worry about your son's thoughts on this - if he has teenage children then he is sufficiently grown to understand that he cannot dictate what others feel.

Good luck with this.

Gonegirl Sun 28-Apr-19 10:32:49

I guess it's understandable that she wants to turn away from her ex's life completely, perhaps cut all ties, especially as the children are now adults and she can leave it up to them as to whether they contact you or not. It's not your fault. It's just a sad fact. There may be nothing to be done about it. She was badly hurt and she has to look to her future now.

I am so sorry for you. flowers

quizqueen Sun 28-Apr-19 10:39:06

I still kept in touch with my ex MIL until her death and it gave me some satisfaction to know that she didn't like either of the two other partners my ex husband moved on to!

henetha Sun 28-Apr-19 11:00:22

I'm in a similar situation, except that my son did nothing wrong; it's my dil who has chosen to end the marriage.
So I've got to stay loyal to my son who is devastated, and I will always support him.
But I do miss the 30 years of friendship with her.
It's almost like a bereavement. She was lovely. We are being civil, but I can't really be friends with her any more, can I. It would hurt my son.