I miss my DiL

Your son has done the dirty so keep in touch with her. Let her know how loved and special she is as I am sure she will feel so down at this present time.

Speaking of MIL, I had a checkered relationship w/ her, overall. But if DH and I had ever gotten a divorce for any reason, assuming I would have had custody of the GC, I would have kept in touch w/ her for that reason. I wouldn't have done lunch w/ her or anything like that b/c we never had that type of relationship, anyhow. If I became serious about a new man, I may have limited my contact w/ her, depending on how he felt about it.

By the same token, if DD and SIL ever got a divorce, the degree to which my contact w/ him and his relatives would continue would depend largely on how my DD felt about it. And I know that even if she were ok w/ it, that might change once there were a new man in her life.

In fact, I'm sure many otherwise lovely XMILs drop their just- as-lovely XDILs b/c DS would be upset otherwise or so as not to hurt their relationship w/ his new partner. They may not like it, but they have to focus on the current situation. I understand it can be sad, but it doesn't really surprised me. It's great when it can be otherwise, but often it just can't.

But yes, in your story, Niucla, it sounds as if the sons are being bullies. It's one thing to express a wish that Mum stay away from XDIL, another to threaten her over it. Horrible!

Ladyjus, it's beautiful that XDIL feels comfortable enough w/ you that she would even bring her new man on a trip w/ you! Bravo to all 3 of you! I trust DS was ok w/ this, too, and didn't resent it?

You are certainly allowed to have friends and she can very much be one of them.
When my brother and SiL split up, my mum always kept contact with her DiL - they had a lot in common, came from the same village so knew the same people even if a generation apart!
Unfortunately my brother and second wife (who used to be my SiL's best friend) will not attend any family function if my ex SiL will be there so she stays away and we all miss out, including her 2 daughters and grandchildren!

Reading this again, BabyLayla - how lucky XDIL is to have a XMIL who appreciates and cares about her so much! She may be very busy, though, as you say, especially adjusting to her new life. Or she just may not be ready to be around anyone who reminds her of DS right now, sadly, not even a loving XMIL/you. Or she may feel she has to loosen the ties since she hopes to meet someone new eventually. Or... no way to really know. If she doesn't accept your offer to come to dinner or just doesn't respond, please don't take it personally. It's not about you, surely, but about where she is mentally and emotionally right now.

Glad you got to talk to one of the GC, and that XDIL isn't trying to prevent that! Hope you continue to have a relationship w/ them even if XDIL, herself, pulls away. And, no doubt, DS can facilitate your relationship w/ the GC too. (I realize you can't expect too much now, concerning the GC, since they are older and busy w/ their own teenage lives.)

My MIL and I had an ok relationship but she lived 70 miles away so did not see her much . When she was widowed she moved to live nearer her son (ex-DH) but it was my adult daughter who helped her. She was often at DD's house and we became good friends. She spent her last Mother's Day with me and my DD plus she never like the woman Ex left me for!