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Why do I never come out smelling like roses?

(41 Posts)
Sebella Fri 03-May-19 19:54:52

It is 4:30am and I have been up since 2:00pm. Every time a attempt to sleep I just end up crying. I am in real need for some sound girl friend advice.
Eleven years ago my daughter gave birth to my husband and my first granddaughter. Our daughter is a single mother and we have supported her and her beautiful baby girl for 11 years. Last year she met a man and now they are living together. My granddaughter, is not happy with this arrangement and and would like to return to our home and the 'way things were. This is understandable and we believe that she will adapt.
This year, our daughter, we believe through the influence of her boyfriend, decided to cut us off from seeing our granddaughter. She will not answer my phone calls, or txt messages.
They came over to chat but her boyfriend did all the talking and I was, of course, the one to blame. It seems, it is my fault that she enjoys her time in our home and it takes them 3 days to 'get her back on track'. She is very bright and the boyfriend has created a strict routine for my granddaughter and daughter, which involves many rules. The chat ended badly, and my granddaughter was not present. He is controlling and changing my daughter, but I have no control. Heart broken, what can I do?

Lisalou Fri 03-May-19 21:07:24

I am so sorry, that is so sad. I feel so sorry for your granddaughter. I wish I knew what to say, hopefully your daughter will soon wake up to what is happening. From what you are saying, I get the impression that you and your daughter had always been close. I would try to send her a card once in a while in the hope to keep communication open. If you worry that the boyfriend will intercept, could you just txt your daughter occasionally, so that she knows you are there?

BradfordLass72 Sat 04-May-19 00:25:30

Oh dear, this man is a narcissistic control freak who will gradually alienate your daughter and grand-daughter from all her friends and family to make sure he has total control.

Convincing your daughter to kick him out may well be a losing battle at this stage but if you can get her by herself, please tell her that whatever happens she can come to you night and day. Also give her the 0800 number for the Women's Refuge Movement.

They may be able to advise you what to do, as they have seen this many thousands of times, but in the end it's up to your daughter to get away from this man because he certainly has a mental problem.

I don't know how effective Social Service would be but if there were any hint of sexual impropriety or physical violence in that home, they need to be told. Emotional and verbal abuse is so much harder to prove; 'like catching smoke' I was told recently in a similar situation.

It may be worth speaking with them about the situation though, even if they cannot, at this stage, help.

Should it come to your daughter leaving, the Police can issue an order preventing him from contacting or coming anywhere near her and your grand-daughter.

My heart goes out to you as I know only too well what sorrow this sort of person causes.


Starlady Sat 04-May-19 00:27:59

My heart aches for you, Sebella, and for your gd, as well. It seems clear that you were close to dd and gd, so the difference between then and now must seem quite drastic! It's also very hard for me to understand how a loving mother can cut her child off from someone that has been such a big part of their life!

If it' s any comfort, it's not unusual, Ime (in my experience) for kids to have difficulty settling back into their usual routines after a fun visit away from home. Perhaps you've noticed that, too, over the years. It's also not unusual, from what I've seen and heard, for parents to blame the people in the house where the child was visiting, especially if they don't have too much experience with having their child visit other people. IOWs, you're not alone.

The fact that gd is close to you and wants to return to your home probably has made them extra-sensitive about this. Also, I take it the rules in your house are different than theirs - fewer and less strict. So perhaps that makes it especially hard for gd to get back into their strict routines. She may have even defended herself by pointing out that you don't demand the same things of her. Idk, but, sadly, they may think that keeping her away from you for now, will help them bond as a family and get her to accept the new rules. Hopefully, if they feel more secure, eventually, dd will reach out to you again.

Starlady Sat 04-May-19 00:39:24

I'm NOT defending their choices, btw, just trying to figure out why this has happened. Also, bf sounds very controlling to me, which is a red flag. Idky dd is willing to go along with this, but I suppose "love is blind."

I'm not sure why dd - or perhaps I should say ed (estranged daughter) - has cut you and dh (dear husband) off from herself, as well. But you say the "chat ended badly," so perhaps she's still upset from that. Or maybe she's afraid you'll just argue with her about gd. Again, hopefully, she'll calm down after a while and reach out to you.

How long has she been ignoring you? It may seem like "forever" to you, but she may need more time... Patience... Hugs!

rosecarmel Sat 04-May-19 03:04:14

The last thing you need to do is to let this man manipulate you too! Not a good example to set for your daughter -

The best thing you can do is to beat him at his own game - And to do so will take time and patience - And a certain amount of compassionate strategy -

Keep your daughters best interest in mind at all times, be pliable in order to create situations that allow her to be "herself" in your company and loved for who she is and understood -

It's a heartbreaking situation that could potentially get worse before it gets better, so take good care of yourself in the meantime -

Sara65 Sat 04-May-19 08:18:35

This is a heartbreaking situation for you and your granddaughter, as someone who was once in potentially the same situation, my heart goes out to you, fortunately for us, the situation was resolved, but I was really scared at the time, that our grandchild would be kept away from us, by a controlling partner

You said your daughter was a single parent, maybe despite the support you’ve given her, she was lonely, and jumped into a relationship without giving serious thought to the consequences.

I feel worried for your granddaughter, it’s very unkind to separate you from her, she must be very sad

I don’t know that I can offer any advice, just sympathy, and hope that the situation is resolved for you

sodapop Sat 04-May-19 08:58:26

That is difficult Sebella your daughter and her new partner have a lot of adjusting to do.
I can understand your concerns as it does seem as if this man is very controlling. You mention that you have no control now but perhaps that's as it should be. You are not the parent although you have helped bring up your granddaughter for eleven years.
Take a step back for a little while, keep the lines of communication open and let your granddaughter know you love and support her.

ditzyme Sat 04-May-19 09:12:21

My son allowed himself to be influenced by his partner and so we have no contact at all and have never seen grandchildren. If he isn't man enough to stand up for himself, use his brain and see what she did, then it's his hard luck, in the end.

leyla Sat 04-May-19 09:19:50

As they are concerned that GD is unsettled after visits to your home, could you afford to invite them to a weekend away eg to celebrate a birthday or something? Ideally a hotel so you’re not in each other’s pockets. They might be tempted by the treat and you could all just enjoy a nice, easy time. Don’t get drawn into big discussions.
Otherwise maybe suggest meals out, days out, not at the house. Also people have to be better behaved in public.
Keep lines of communication open by sending little cards or messages. Try to keep it light.

Sara65 Sat 04-May-19 09:30:20

Good advice Leyla but when relationships have broken down so badly, it’s probably impossible to spend an hour together without it descending into rows and recriminations , not good for granddaughter, anyway, I doubt he’d be tempted, he wants Sebella to be the bad guy, divide and rule!

Elderlyfirsttimegran Sat 04-May-19 09:44:44

I feel so very sad for you but especially for you gd who must miss you terribly, it’s such a very special relationship. It seems to me that your daughter has fallen for a very controlling man and his aim will be to separate her from you so that he has complete control over her and she will have lost her support network. I agree that a talk to one of the helplines might be helpful, but I would steer clear of Social Services as it could be used against you. A big hug from me.

Purplepoppies Sat 04-May-19 10:07:41

This sounds really concerning.
Having experienced something similar with my daughter and her ex boyfriend I empathize greatly.
The law is on your side. You can ask that this man be checked be out. He may have previous for this behaviour. Its called Clare's Law.
I hope its resolved quickly for everyone 💐

Jo1960 Sat 04-May-19 10:22:34

I agree, it appears that this man is controlling, however I was the daughter in a similar situation as your daughter. When I had my first daughter I lived with my parents and although this was supportive in a lot of ways, my mother often undermined me. Years later my daughter would get the school to ring my parents saying she was ill so that she'd be picked up and either taken to their house with "treats" or for an outing "to get some air". It drove me mad at the time and eventually I had to tell the school to ring me not my mum.

Please try and not inflame the situation further; be the better person. If he is a controlling person he will try and isolate your daughter from all sources of support and use any little microaggressions as evidence of you being a "bad person". Very soon your granddaughter will be able to vote with her feet and visit you when she wants. Stay calm and strong and be there for both of them when they need you.

Telly Sat 04-May-19 10:32:55

This is so difficult, but I would certainly avoid social services unless you are convinced something else is going on. I would think that a knock on the door from them would finish any chance of mending bridges. This is a time of change for everyone. I would think that the best you can do is to support your DD and her new relationship if you want to have any sort of relationship with your gd. Leave it for a few days then try an olive branch. But the relationship between you all has to change, and it's difficult, especially as you have played such a big part in their lives.

Sara65 Sat 04-May-19 10:38:14

It’s good to hear the other side Jo, I’m sure your situation must have been frustrating at times! But whatever the situation has been, it’s incredibly cruel to separate Sebella from her granddaughter, he may well have his reasons for wanting to distance things a little bit, but this behaviour is controlling, and no good can come out of it, especially for the little girl

crazyH Sat 04-May-19 10:39:18

Sebela, lots of good advice here, much more eloquent and knowledgeable than I am.
All I can do is think of you and send you my good wishes, hoping that it can all be sorted out without it negatively affecting your little gd. Good luck!

Sara65 Sat 04-May-19 10:40:54

I agree about social services, I was once tempted to involve them when I was really worried about a situation, but things weren’t as bad as I was imagining, and it would have done untold damage

ReadyMeals Sat 04-May-19 10:43:55

I am confused, how did your daughter give birth to your husband? You're not allowed to marry your grandson

dragonfly46 Sat 04-May-19 10:45:58

Sebella does your daughter think that you are trying to take her daughter away from her?
You need to make it clear that that is not the case, you just want to see them both now and again.

dragonfly46 Sat 04-May-19 10:50:33

Sebella does your daughter think that you are trying to take her daughter away from her?
You need to make it clear that that is not the case, you just want to see them both now and again.

dragonfly46 Sat 04-May-19 10:50:51

Sorry posted twice by mistake.

DoraMarr Sat 04-May-19 10:51:33

Why is it all about you “smelling of roses”? There is a little girl in the middle of this. You say your daughter’s new partner is controlling, but your thread title suggests that you may be inflexible too.

mumofmadboys Sat 04-May-19 10:52:42

Re- read it Readymeals and it will make sense. Initially I read it like that too!!

Chezabella Sat 04-May-19 10:58:23

Oh Sebella, how horrible for you. I hope it is soon resolved and that I’m being too negative about this but I totally agree with Bradfordlass. I think he probably saw your DD as being a bit vulnerable and now is manipulating and trying to control her. Honestly, what reasonable person would try to stop your DG from seeing her DGPs? A similar situation happened when a friend married, fortunately she saw the light and divorced him At the time we were upset that my friend sent unpleasant texts and fell out with us for no apparent reason. We didn’t realise he had control over her phone so be warned if you get out of character messages from your DD they may not be from her. Are you in contact with anyone else, your DDs friends for eg that you could discreetly talk to without making it too obvious? We realised my friend’s ex had also blocked contact with other friends & her family too. Also maybe you could speak in confidence to your GD’s teacher as they may have noticed a change in her behaviour. If it does prove to become more serious and there is possible abuse they can involve children’s social services and raise a safeguarding investigation for her. There is also the court option to gain grandparents contact rights but it would be a last resort and hopefully won’t become necessary Your family were obviously close before, your DD & DGD they must know you’re there for them. Sending you a hug and wishes for thing to get better