Why do I never come out smelling like roses?

I think Tedber is wise.

Also, when you send messages that say you love your daughter but miss your granddaughter, you devalue the relationship with your daughter. It makes it seem like you only want her for access to your grand daughter. Make sure you use words to keep it equal, if not putting more emphasis on your daughter.

It is a very difficult one and I agree somewhat with tickinbird.

The fact you have, in effect, co-parented your GD for 11 years obviously plays a huge part in the fact there is now a third party in the mix.

I have no idea why your daughter let this man do all the talking (or what he actually said to you) but I do know kids are ALSO very manipulative and play people off against each other! For example IF she is resenting, even reasonable, rules, she may be saying "Well Grandma would let me do it" (same goes for separated parents).

All depends on what was said I guess and what the rules are?

I think I would take a deep breath and accept that this child IS your grandaughter and not your daughter - and you will have to trust your daughter to make the right decisions for them both. Obviously some 'rules' you may not agree with and the guy may well turn out to be a control freak but at the moment all you can do is sit back and wait. This is assuming the man isn't drugging your daughter and holding her against her will? She may just be so loved up she can't see it at the moment (but as you know that will change)

I would not offer any opinion at this time, just bide my time and let them know you are there for them when they need it.

I wish some people would stop bandying the narcissism word around and diagnosing every tom, dick and harry or harriet as one.

This man is obviously very controlling but there is nothing to suggest he’s violent ( giving out refuge numbers) or that he’s molesting the granddaughter or the daughter. I feel for the OP as she’s obviously bereft but it may be that the 11 year old GD resents her cosy life with mum and gran being intruded upon.

It’s very difficult and the daughter shouldn’t have allowed him to take over any talk they all had but some women (and men) are very weak where the partner is concerned. I’d try and see DGD at school gates or something and just try to maintain contact as much as possible.

I don't know what advice to give you other than to say that I find it very sad and worrying. A very controlling partner is bad news in every possible way. You can't just stand back and do nothing. Perhaps Social Services can get involved? I hope that this resolves itself happily but it won't without intervention.

This happened to me and I lost my grandkids for about a couple of years My daughter married this controlling abusive man. The only time I was allowed to see my grandkids was when my daughter and this man wanted something they were use like weapons to punish me I had been very close to my family but this man was threatend by that. I too cried many tears I felt like I was grieving. Then one day out of the blue daughter came to see me it was evident that she wasn’t happy last month she kicked him out . I am now back in my grandkids life.
What can you do? I cant tell you what you should do only what I di. What I did was carry on loving my daughter and grandkids I would send them cards and text, reminding them I was there. . When she came to see me I made it about her not me. When she kicked him out was just there for them in a non-judging way. I think that is all you can do just be there when she needs you and feel smug when she gives him hi marching orders.

You’re right, Jo, grandparents don’t have automatic rights like parents do but I think the process is they can apply for a hearing and if granted the judge may allow access. It isn’t a quick process and probably likely to cause more friction. Hopefully keeping gentle contact will have better results.

Chezabella, grandparents don't have rights, unfortunately. They can apply for permission to apply for contact, however a judge may find against them. It could also jeopardise the relationship between Sebella and her daughter and may deepen the rift between them.

Best in my view to keep the lines of communication open, send cards, little "saw this and thought of you gifts" to your DD and family, invite her, DG and the OH for meals etc. I hope things work out in the end.

If I were your daughter or the little girl, what I'd really like to hear from you is "I'll be here for you and you can come to me whenever you want."

This is heartbreaking and we have in the past had a few of these posts. This is abuse and until your daughter realises this and wants to do something about it you are stuck. All you can do is stay in touch as best you can and support her. Chezabella has given you some good advice in her post and is in my opinion an excellent idea. Good luck and don't give.up.

Oh, dear, whatever you do now will probably put you in the wrong!

Try to keep in touch with your daughter by all means, but only speak to your granddaughter if her mother knows you are going to do so. I know this sounds harsh, but apparently your daughter's boyfriend is running things right now.

He sounds like a controlling, possible abusive man, but as long as your daughter is in love with him, any criticisms you make will only put her back up , and his, as she will no doubt tell him what you said.

If it is possible to speak to your daughter alone, ask her what you have done to offend her boyfriend as you are at a loss, but would like to put things right.

Like you, I feel this is difficult for your granddaughter, who has suddenly acquired a step-father and is being kept away from the grandparents she loves. It does not sound as if there is any possibility of the child being allowed to visit you, as this, according to her mother's boyfriend is upsetting her and causing her to misbehave at home.
Unfortunately, you can do nothing to help her, unless her mother allows you to.

I know this all sounds horrible pessimistic, but please, this is a case of least said soonest mended. If your daughter's boyfriend is willing to tell you what he thinks is wrong, then perhaps you can bridge the gap.

I hope so, but my experience tells me that he won't tell you what he is vexed about.

Give it time, I hope your daughter will come to realise what this man is actually doing to her and her child and either put her foot down, or leave him.

Does GD's natural father figure in all this? Might he have a say? (If so, perhaps he can be supportive to you, and perhaps you could see GD when she is with him?)

Think that was a typo GG

Sebella
You write:
^^Eleven years ago my daughter gave birth to my husband and my first granddaughter.
???
Please explain further.

Certainly sounds like your daughter is being coercively controlled. My daughter was in the same situation for five years where her husband tried to alienate all her friends and definitely hated her seeing me (we were always very close). I didn’t give up though. Finally she had had enough and called Wonen’s Aid. They were extremely helpful and gave her the strength to leave with my two grandsons.
Please do as others have suggested and just keep telling your daughter that you are and always will be, there for her.

Hi Sebella, so sorry to hear about your DD and GD. I think the advice from Purplepoppies is very good. It would definitely be worth checking the background of your daughter’s new boyfriend, to ensure he hasn’t done something like this before! Good luck I hope it resolves itself soon

Thank you all for the wonderful advice and kind wishes. I will take a step back and let time reveal its final plan. Whilst still letting her know via txt that I do love her and miss my granddaughter. All will be well in the end, and if it is not well it is not the end yet. Thanks again.

Oh Sebella, how horrible for you. I hope it is soon resolved and that I’m being too negative about this but I totally agree with Bradfordlass. I think he probably saw your DD as being a bit vulnerable and now is manipulating and trying to control her. Honestly, what reasonable person would try to stop your DG from seeing her DGPs? A similar situation happened when a friend married, fortunately she saw the light and divorced him At the time we were upset that my friend sent unpleasant texts and fell out with us for no apparent reason. We didn’t realise he had control over her phone so be warned if you get out of character messages from your DD they may not be from her. Are you in contact with anyone else, your DDs friends for eg that you could discreetly talk to without making it too obvious? We realised my friend’s ex had also blocked contact with other friends & her family too. Also maybe you could speak in confidence to your GD’s teacher as they may have noticed a change in her behaviour. If it does prove to become more serious and there is possible abuse they can involve children’s social services and raise a safeguarding investigation for her. There is also the court option to gain grandparents contact rights but it would be a last resort and hopefully won’t become necessary Your family were obviously close before, your DD & DGD they must know you’re there for them. Sending you a hug and wishes for thing to get better

Re- read it Readymeals and it will make sense. Initially I read it like that too!!

Why is it all about you “smelling of roses”? There is a little girl in the middle of this. You say your daughter’s new partner is controlling, but your thread title suggests that you may be inflexible too.

Sorry posted twice by mistake.

Sebella does your daughter think that you are trying to take her daughter away from her?
You need to make it clear that that is not the case, you just want to see them both now and again.

Sebella does your daughter think that you are trying to take her daughter away from her?
You need to make it clear that that is not the case, you just want to see them both now and again.

I am confused, how did your daughter give birth to your husband? You're not allowed to marry your grandson

I agree about social services, I was once tempted to involve them when I was really worried about a situation, but things weren’t as bad as I was imagining, and it would have done untold damage

Sebela, lots of good advice here, much more eloquent and knowledgeable than I am.
All I can do is think of you and send you my good wishes, hoping that it can all be sorted out without it negatively affecting your little gd. Good luck!