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Mega grumpy husband

(154 Posts)
kiki2 Sat 04-May-19 10:56:01

My husband of many years is very grumpy and miserable most of the time ; I am now retired and he is always around but doesn’t seem happy to have me for company.
I find it very hard and at times, want to leave as it is so bad.
I don’t feel loved or respected, he puts me down a lot , does not respect my feelings and emotions and doesn’t seem to have any emotions himself.
When I talk to him about it , he denies it , makes some effort but a few days later , we are back to square one.
I am scared of the logistics of leaving plus I don’t think I can afford to , I also worry about what my grown up children would think and whether they would give me the cold shoulder.
There is also an age gap between my husband and me and I don’t think that helps ; he is ageing badly in my opinion , he has bad arthritis in his wrists but won’t seek medical help , just moans about his condition,
He is obsessional about his main hobby , bellringing , but doesn’t seem to care about me.
I am not from this country originally and I miss my family and country but he doesn’t seem to understand that either .
I do feel at the end of my tether and don’t know what to do ; as I said earlier I have tried many times to talk to him but he denies his behaviour.
Any advice would be appreciated , thank you .

Anja Sat 04-May-19 11:19:07

To be honest you don’t sound like a bundle of laughs yourself. It must be hard on him with bad arthritis in his wrists when his hobby is bell ringing. As far as seeking treatment, there is none. Just painkillers which don’t agree with everyone.

Do you both a favour and either stop nagging him and try to understands how he feels or get out of the marriage and find someone younger and more to your liking.

I know this sounds unsympathetic but what happened to ‘till death do us part’ and ‘in sickness and in health’?

Anja Sat 04-May-19 11:20:22

PS many are married to worse that just grumpy old men.

gillybob Sat 04-May-19 11:33:02

If I am honest I think your reply was s bit cruel Anja . It must be horrible for kiki2 not to feel loved or respected by her husband . It is such a shame that now that you are both retired you can’t find some common interest to share or even just enjoy doing nothing much together .

My DH and I are like chalk and cheese in many ways and We don’t have a lot of money to spare but enjoy a bottle of wine and cooking a nice meal while listening to music .

You say he is obsessional about his hobby which is a bit over the top but I wonder do you have a hobby that you could enjoy more too ?

I do hope things get easier for you . I can’t imagine bell ringing will do much to help his painful wrists mind you !

Cherrytree59 Sat 04-May-19 11:34:01

I think you are homesick.
What about taking some time away to visit your family in their country.

It may give you some perspective on your life as it is now and how you wish it to be in the future.

I suppose the test would be if you miss your husband whilst away from home.
Or indeed if he misses you.

Septimia Sat 04-May-19 11:35:49

Is it possible for you to go and visit your family without him?
Many bellringers like to visit other peals - is there somewhere near your children where you could both go and you could visit them while he dangles off the end of a bellrope?
I've found that many men aren't good at picking up hints and need to be, metaphorically, clouted round the ear to understand. However, it seems that you've tried explaining to him.
I'd see if you can find some way of visiting the people you'd like to be with whether he joins you or not. He probably won't like it much, but that might encourage him to be more understanding and at least you can get some pleasure from it.

notentirelyallhere Sat 04-May-19 11:36:42

Golly, I bet you flinched OP at the first response! Men, older men, can be impossible. I've been through it, threatened to leave, dragged him to counselling and it's taken 18 months for things to improve. The denial you describe is what is called avoiding, avoiders are difficult to live with, they destroy your own belief in yourself.

Being in pain can make anyone grumpy, you really need to find a way to get him to a GP or alternative health practitioner. Or, the latter being expensive and hard to explore, you could try over the counter arthritis remedies. There was a thread on here recently, people recommended Boswelia, I take turmeric, you could go to Holland and Baratt and ask.

You do sound down and frustrated. Can you take a break by yourself? See friends or family or just take a few days away to find some space? I've found counselling helpful but that can be expensive. You might explore that avenue through your GP. It's usually CBT but mental health provision is better than it was. I got online CBT relatively quickly and the counsellor was very good.

You really do have my sympathies. 'Till death us do part' is all very well but if you simply cannot stand the other and the way he behaves, what's the point of living in deep unhappiness and ending up with a serious illness yourself?

We are all different and have different pressures throughout life and some are more resilient than others or are just able to cut off. I think the latter is a sad response but it might work. Living in a culture different to the one you grew up in brings its own pressures. The UK is not a pleasant place to live in anymore for many, especially the sensitive. Take care of yourself first. flowers

Caro6699 Sat 04-May-19 11:39:08

A difficult situation ,perhaps for both of you, made worse perhaps by having to spend more time together.
Leaving a marriage is always a big step, so why not find some hobbies or activities that takes you out of the house and away from each other to give both of you a break?
You may find yourself happier and more fulfilled as a result.
Could you afford a holiday to go back and spend some time with your family?this may also help you to put things in perspective and clarify what you really want from this relationship
Pain may be a factor in his grumpiness and only he can decide if pain relief or other treatments could reduce this. Bell ringing may aggravate his pain but it’s his choice to continue. There may also be other issues effecting his behaviour?
I wish all the best and hope that you can both have happier times

Beckett Sat 04-May-19 11:40:21

Wow Anja that was a rather unpleasant. On the whole GNs are sympathetic and try to offer advice but your reply was cruel.

kiki2 I agree with gillybob try for find a hobby which you can enjoy. Can you talk to your children and let them know how you are feeling, they may have already noticed how he is treating you and could be more supportive than you think.

Anja Sat 04-May-19 11:40:59

And how does her husband feel gillybob? There are always two sides to a story.

When I read on here of grans who are, or have been, struggling with chronically sick husbands and those turned nasty and violent through dementia, then grumpy simply doesn’t cut the mustard for me. Or those who have been widowed.

I have a bloody grumpy old fellow too, in the early stages of vascular dementia. We get by as best we can and it’s mainly up to me trying to understand and help him.

Anja Sat 04-May-19 11:44:00

Beckett fair enough. If you think the best advice is ‘there, there you poor thing’ that’s fine by me.

Gonegirl Sat 04-May-19 11:55:43

As a grumpy old woman who gets grumpier every day, I'd say you have to put up with it, cos there ain't nothing he can do about it. Physical pain isn't exactly cheering. Find your own happiness. You knew he was older than you when you married him.

I hope he can keep up with his bell ringing for a long time. A hobby which gets them out of the house is so good for ageing men. flowers to him.

Gonegirl Sat 04-May-19 11:57:40

You cannot change a man at this stage of life. It's impossible.

Gonegirl Sat 04-May-19 11:59:35

I'm so glad my husband puts up with me.

sodapop Sat 04-May-19 12:06:08

If he won't talk about it or change kiki2 then it's down to you to improve your life. Are there things you are interested in outside the home, make an effort to take part. Are you able to visit your family without your husband?. I think it sounds as if your mood is quite low maybe a chat to your Dr will help. You just need to charge of your life and enjoy things without your husband.

kittylester Sat 04-May-19 12:14:24

anja, are you in contact with the Alzheimer's Society? There is lots of help available there. (I'll go away now!)

I have no answer to the OP apart from being selfish some times. My BiL has dreadful arthritis, refuses a pain clinic appointment (cos what the hell could they do!) He is determined to do what he has always done which puts a huge burden on my sil to enable him to do so. She occasionally just opts out. She takes herself off to a spa for a couple of days, she has been birdwatching in the Shetlands and on a retreat. It helps her cope. I think you could maybe find things just for and also 'opt out'.

There are lots of good suggestions here.

mumofmadboys Sat 04-May-19 12:23:00

I agree ,Anja your reply was inappropriate to put it mildly. Perhaps it has struck a raw nerve with you.
Kiki can you encourage your husband to visit your GP? Try and suggest doing something nice together once a week eg theatre, cinema, meal out and develop your own interests and friends. I hope things improve for you

mumofmadboys Sat 04-May-19 12:25:08

Crossed posts

kiki2 Sat 04-May-19 12:27:27

We didn’t t get married in church so didn t say ‘ till death is do part ‘
Thank you for your honest opinion but you are not very kind nor understanding

kiki2 Sat 04-May-19 12:27:59

Worse ? Tell me please

kiki2 Sat 04-May-19 12:35:33

Apart from Anja , I would like to thank all you kind people who have tried to give me good advice ; I will reread each of them carefully and act on them. And I am relieved that some of you also thought Anja s response was cruel .

kittylester Sat 04-May-19 12:39:30

Worse would be, as anja said, struggling with chronically sick husbands, violent husbands who live with Alzheimer's disease and people whose husbands have died. I think she has a point but each person's problem is huge to them at the time.

SueDonim Sat 04-May-19 12:45:47

Kiki2 most responses here have been sympathetic, so try to focus on those, not the rather unhelpful ones.

I too have arthritis in my wrists and hands but I don't use it as an excuse to be grumpy! Being grumpy doesn't make anyone happy, from what I've seen.

It seems to me that you can try and make life better for yourself, or for your Dh or for both of you. You say you've tried to speak to your Dh about his attitude and it improves for a short time. Have you approached it from the point of view of making both your lives better? Ask him if he's happy with his life or whether there are things he'd like to change for the better. Some circumstances we can't change but sometimes small tweaks can make a difference. Maybe painkillers don't help his arthritis but possibly wrist supports could - something that has helped me.

Build up your own life, too. See friends regularly, follow your own interests. If you have a joint interest, maybe that's something to do together, be it walking or stamp-collecting or like someone I know, visiting as many Wetherspoon's pubs as they can, using only their free bus passes!

mumofmadboys Sat 04-May-19 12:47:52

However we should be able to discuss all grades of problem on GN from the trivial ( my recently burnt crock pot!) to the more serious ones. Obviously compared to many of the problems faced by other people in the world a lot of our problems seem 'trivial'. However on the midst of a problem eg falling out with someone it appears serious at the time

SueDonim Sat 04-May-19 12:52:16

And yes, other people may well have things worse. However, saying that doesn't improve anyone's situation. It doesn't help Kiki2 to feel any better and it doesn't make the person who is 'worse off' feel any better either. It's not a contest of who is the most miserable, almost everyone can find someone who is in a worse situation.