Son has discarded his entire family. Confused, Shocked and Grieving.

SadandLost, I feel for you. Many of us are in similar straights with adult children. No doubt we have all made some mistakes and wish we had handled the occasional relatively minor thing, better. However, to those who point out the OPs possible errors, given that all humans are fallible and everyone makes mistakes, when did it become acceptable for people to cast aside ‘loved ones’ because of a disagreement?

Californian Mom, at first I didn't read your post because it was so very long. Now I have. I think you crossed the line on your interest in your sons private life. His partner showed considerable restraint to your involvement, it is their business how and why they got pregnant in the first place. I would write a letter to both of them saying you are sorry and you miss them all and that the door is open to them, then let it be for them to approach you. A lot of things heal with time and non of us get it all right. We get used to as moms, sorting out problems but there comes that time when they fly solo, that's the hard bit, letting go. I hope it works out for you.

It is a very different world today, families in the past lived very close together and they had to get on, no choice. The digital world has helped to fracture families, they can still find out what is going on via third parties like facebook, so no need to talk face to face

We do not choose our families, children are lent to us, the best we can do for them is to allow them to choose their own pathway, without guilt. The digital age has taken much empathy away from the present generation, empathy needs face to face to be learnt and also by example.

So we should not be imposing our feelings on our children, they either have the empathy or they dont. Either way, we have to learn to live with it. It is a big divide and perhaps impossible to cross. It is all about objective acceptance, their choice, their lives. The biggest gift we can give them is to accept their choices, to let them know, just once, that we are always here for them, then stand back and carve our own lives

CaliforniaMom; I agree with others . You seem to be way too over involved in your son's life. There is a point where they are adults and you have to let them get on with it. I know it's hard but really you were given or requested too much info. I don't want to know about my adult kids sex lives, the same way that I don't tell them about mine . I think you should leave them alone to sort themselves out , whatever happens it's not your fault or anything you can influence.

But why does her uterus bother you this much? How is it any of your business how she got pregnant? You care so much about not seeing your grandson, yet are so fixated on how she got pregnant and determined to expect them to disclose the truth to you like you own them or something.

How else do you think she got pregnant? She did for your son had unprotected sex with her. I mean does this really need any explanation? You're too involved in her business and you need to leave them alone for crying out loud. No one made you the moral judge to expect people to elaborate their personal business to you including their sex lives. Why were you crying when he announced she was pregnant? This almost sounds like an enmeshed relationship, and your son is not your property.

Now you're missing on in your grandchilds life for you're too focused on being right and finding the "truth" about how your sons reproductive seed got into her reproductive organ. Too focused on telling her parents this truth. Too focused on finding out whose lying and who isn't. Again all factors that are absolutely one of your business.

I suggest you look into ways that you cam apologise and make amends without making it all about you and the things you expect ro exlose about what your son and her do in their private chambers. Oh my! Whats sad about this is that you really believe that you are owed an explanation about this.

I dont think her parents would be upset about knowing that she planned to get pregnant. I mean whats wrong with planning a pregnancy? Not every child is an ooooops and no one owes anyone any explanation as to how their child was conceived. You see how you still involved in all of her business eveb by thinking this? Mind your own business and stop saying that "everyone thinks its your fault," for it implies that its not your fault when it actually is.

You are way WAY too involved in their relationship. It sounds like it's him, her and you.
You don't like her, you have implied she trapped him, he's told you the baby wasn't planned, she has told you it was, he's told you she's lying....

It's too much.
To me, it sounds like your son tells you what you want to hear.
And to be honest, it's none of your damn business to investigate how she got pregnant. It's weird!
Leave them alone.

I don't think referring to your DIL, who presumably is an adult woman, as a 'young girl' is helpful. It does sound rather demeaning. Even if that was unintentional it does hint at an attitude to her that is not entirely positive. Suggesting that your DIL gets a job rather than suggesting that your son gets a better paid job was also not helpful. I think you need to get over your 'we are totally innocent in all of this' position, recognise that you have caused offence, and wait patiently for your son and DIL to perhaps make some sort of contact.

Either tread on eggshells for ever apologising or step back and make the most of the people that do care, you will be dammed if you do and dammed if you don't. As my husband would have said, join the Royal Stand-backs, I feel you are too involved, leave them to it.

Californiamom, you give the impressions to be too involved in your sons' private lives. Withdraw from the conflicts.

Your son is now an adult. Please start treating him like one. That means he now makes his own decisions and sorts out his own problems. It really has nothing to do with you.

I would advise you to forget everything, leave them to sort their lives out and bring up their baby. Do not involve yourself by trying to get information from anyone.

Let a little time pass and then make tentative approaches - a card or a text. I do hope you can reconcile, but it has to be done in a calm, friendly, non-confrontational manner.

Californiamom

I think you got far too involved in your son's relationship.

A parent's instinct is to protect a child. That's okay. That's normal. That's what parents do. But it also means that parents are not objective third parties in their children's relationships.

If your son is having problems with his partner, I'd suggest you direct him to see a therapist or counselor. Explain that while you do care about him, being his mother, you aren't in a position to be objective.

If you've been talking with him behind his GF's back, I am not surprised that she is upset with you.

CaliforniaMom
Same here. I would have read your post as you obviously must be in distress but please, please use paragraphs.
Sorry.

Hello California Mom

So sorry that you are having problems, also sorry that I cannot read your post, a large block of text without "white spaces" (i.e.double spaced paragraphs) is too much for my current state of vision.

Sorry again.

I realize this thread may no longer be very active but it’s the first story so similar to mine and the word grieving I’ve used too as the only way to describe the pain. My son and I have always been close and as he started college there seemed to be things he could or would only talk to me about which was of great comfort he felt he could come to me. His dad and I divorced when he was 4. We coparented well but both my kids considered their dad maybe not as up to date on life issues. Throughout college my son chose to live at home with me and he was as much a cocounsel of my life as I was his. After graduating he was looking for a place to rent with friends and still at home when he started dating a girl that quickly became a serious relationship. She didn’t most weekends at my house and I grew to love her. We became very close. The relationship had issues as she was younger with many insecurities but my son was patient and I sawgoid changes but it had ways to go. My son moved out and was excited to experience his own place and some independence. He was a little bothered that the gf suddenly changed jobs to put herself closer to his new place and was there more than he wanted. She kept trying to move the relationship along very quickly and that concerned him. He always reassuring her taking it slow meant they could enjoy much more. A little over a year and my son told me they were pregnant. I cried as I know how hard he had worked in college and had many steps planned out in his life to be set up successfully. After the tears I shared my joy and he told me they were telling me first as they knew I’d help them with the best way to break the news to the other parents. Alone with my son I asked how this happened. He informed me she was using a phone app that gives you a fertile resting each day of your cycle and when those numbers were highest they’d not have sex. I wanted to thump him on the head. He was smarter than this. And on one occasion they knew the risk was higher but if they got pregnant they would take responsibility etc. The next day my son gf and I had lunch it was a very happy meeting we discussed lots of things and most concerning was they tell her parents so she could ask if she had maternity coverage on her fathers insurance still She did not work except for a Nanny job on occasion andvstill lived at home. The next day I had remembered that if she did not have private insurance she would qualify for government aid of course and messaged her that in relief and that she would have the info too. Well she was insulted that to her it implied I was saying she would be a welfare case. I apologized immediate and reassured her that is not what I said and again apologized if I upset her. She then sent me a text message that changed my life forever. She said I don’t know what your son told you but this pregnancy was no oooops. We had been tracking ovulation for months as we both decided we wanted to have a baby and would try. Well I was shocked as this version was not shared with me by my son or by either of them at our lunch. I replied, well be sure you are both on the same page when you tell your parents as funding out like this is quite a shock. And that was it. I’ve never had a word with her since. I immediately called my son who said I must have misunderstood and later even said she was irrational and emotional and said that to hurt me for insulting her. He said he would talk to her and smooth things over and they would come by in a few days. That never happened. He cane bybit she refused. And when he tried to smooth things over she took it as him not standing up for her and even threatened aborting the baby 3 times which terrified him. She accused me of saying things I didn’t and even my son read the text and explained to her that was not as she remembered it and that I loved her. I said to him after she continued to hold aborting the baby over his head that was this pregnancy about having a baby or having him? As soon as she feels she’s losing you the baby is not important ? Well she read that message on his phone and now says I said she got pregnant to trap him. Not even close. At that point he was told if he talked or had anything to do with me she would leave him. I was heartbroken but was promised it would be fine just give him a few days or a few weeks or I’ve hrsrd the word “soon” a hundred times. I was not part of the pregnancy or have had contact with my son exveltvto hear excuses why resolving this needed to wait. Promised I was it would be resolved before the birth. It was nit and I was not allowed to be there like everyone else when my first grandchild was born. My son was not allowed to call and even tell me. It was shared with me via my ex husband who thinks this is all wrong but fears intervening and being banished too. I don’t even know what it feels like to be a grandmother. I have never seen him held him and he’s 2 months old now. My son now tells me via text only that he doesn’t have time to deal with this as his relationship with her is not good and he has to focus on not losing it. And so the empty promises of “soon” have left me alone and grieving every single day like a death and watching thru social media the pictures of everyone else enjoying the baby and the life I should be in is excruciating. I can’t hear one more time you just need to be patient it will work out. Of course that’s from people it doesn’t affect. I’ve missed firsts that cannot be replaced. I miss my son and I miss her too. I have never been given 2 minutes to talk about this and clear things up and do much time has gone by my son now quotes her as things I’ve done or said that we’re hurtful Things have been twisted and everyone else in the family thinks I must have done something horrible to be given this punishment. The truth is I don’t care but I think the gf slipped the honest truth and can’t hsve me around for fear now I may repeat it to her parents who would be extremely upset it theybthought this was on purpose and planned as she states. And honestly I wouldn’t have cared either way. My concern as a mother in the beginning was why do I have 2 different versions by people who should be on the same page and of course if she says it was planned and my son thinks it was an ooops then why is that and to this day they both maintain their versions. But that’s only because I’ve never sat and talked with them in the same room and no one else not my ex husband or my daughter were told anything other than the oooops story. I just don’t know how to deal with this anymore. I held onto hope with all the promises of getter my together soon but that all vanished as soon as my son let the birth of the baby come and go. It’s unbearable most days lately and I cannot even explain the depression.

@SadandLost
I’m not sure if you’re still with us, but I have a suggestion. If you have a good relationship with your future DIL, I’d ask her to have a frank discussion. How does she see your relationship? Your relationship with your sons? She’s close enough to understand the family dynamics, but she’s not going to be on “your side” or “DIL’s side”. Even if it doesn’t help this current situation, I think it would pave the way to a better relationship with your son and his future wife.

You mentioned that you’ve been very involved with the wedding. That can be a red flag and if she is less confrontational than your DIL, there could be trouble brewing.

Rosecarmel wrote:
"I came out of the birth canal expressing myself in a direct manner .. and that's that .. "

Besides your innate intelligence there must have been something good in your earlier life that made you such an able learner.

I think the babysitting situation is entrenched with expectation and emotional mine fields - Occasionally, it isn't- Otherwise, the word "babysit" causes drooling or fleeing with tails firmly tucked between the legs -

"n time, however, one or both may relent and they begin to establish a renewed relationship as desires die back and views shift-"

I'm wondering if timing doesn't have a lot to do with this, too, Rose. For example, if one of the main issues is DS and DIL want GM to babysit and she doesn't want to, they may be at an impasse for a long time. Also, while they both "want what they want," GM is really within her rights to say no. But once, the GC are too old for a babysitter, the issue disappears, and there may be more room to reconcile.

Same, I think, if , say, one of the main issues is that DS & DIL want the GPs to respect their rules for the GC, but the GPs refuse. Here again, both may want their way, but, in this case, IMO< it is DS & DIL who are within their rights. Again, though, once the kids are grown, the issue disappears, so reconciliation may be more likely.

Starlady, if two people are seeking different, specific outcomes and refuse to relent until each gets what they desire they are in for a long wait or lifetime of estrangement -- which some prefer since it's easier to distance than it is to discuss- Any residual sadness they experience stems from what they didn't get despite claims of how much effort they made- Try as they may, they didn't get their way- Neither of them- Both are in denial- In time, however, one or both may relent and they begin to establish a renewed relationship as desires die back and views shift-

My mother remains in denial! And while one can't reconcile with what they refuse to admit I can choose to face the fact that she is not going to reconcile with what she refuses to admit- I'd rather her be a part of my life than not have her in it at all because I want what I want-

A very meaningful post, Rose.

I'm sorry you've had so much family strife and estrangement, Rose. I'm glad the COs, helped though and that you were able to reconcile with everyone. After so much pain, that must have taken a lot of courage to do.

"... what actually did happen which was discovered by way of lengthy, painfully honest discussions-"

Unfortunately, some people don't really want to discuss but just convince the other person that they were right and the other was wrong. And many GPs here say their estranged AC and CIL refuse to talk it out or even give them a reason. Go over to MN, however, and you (general) will see lots of young moms/DILs who say they tried to tell mum/MIL/whoever what was wrong, but mum/MIL/whoever went into denial, told them that they "shouldn't mind this/that," etc. So DD/DIL/whoever stopped trying to explain/discuss. You say that some of your relatives were in denial, but it seems you managed to reconcile with them all, so at some point, they must have faced reality. I'm wondering what brought them to that point. It might be helpful to the OP and some others to know.

I agree that sharing experience/s aids healing, as showergelfresh suggests-

As a child I was exposed to a dysfunctional environment/s, violence, poverty, adultery, divorce, deaths, religious tensions, depression, psychotic behavior, alcoholism, addiction, verbal and physical abuse and organized crime -

Ive been estranged from my mum, dad, siblings, extended family and my own children - I've reunited with my dad prior to his death as well as everyone else-

Estrangement provided each of us time to sort through what we each perceived took place in our given situations - The reunions provided each of us with insight, realigning our perceived view with something closer to the truth -

At the core of each rift was fear, desire, greed, denial, ignorance, control issues -- and more- It became clear that guessing what happened (how the estrangement came to be) never came remotely close to what actually did happen which was discovered by way of lengthy, painfully honest discussions-

I have learned that I can love someone even while they remain in denial, choosing not to look into the face of truth because it's just too painful to discuss and to instead proceed with the relationship on a here and now basis without the need for sincere apologies or explanations if it means that we can manage to be a part of each others lives as a result- In other words, it isn't necessary to rehash the past in order to make a new start - Understandably, some facets of the relationship that went south, remain south and that's ok too- But at least now each of us understands each other enough to accept what part of each others lives we are willing to be part of and what parts we are not-

There will always be wounds- Always- But those wounds can prove to be beneficial- I've had a fantastic life thus far! I'm immensely grateful..

Out of courtesy, to others as well as myself, I omit details -- besides .. 9 times out 10 people can't wrap their heads around my combined family's life events .. and I cannot blame them for that ..

I've deep empathy and compassion for people despite the fact that people disagree that I do -- but I came out of the birth canal expressing myself in a direct manner .. and that's that ..

No Rose - I reacted in the way I did to your posts for a very different reason

I also think its very important to not only offer opinion on the op but to tell everyone about your own experiences too - that's where the healing often arises.

mosaicwarts

I'm sorry you haven't seen your son's gf much.

I honestly think yes, it is their business - this doesn't mean we can't see inconsiderateness in others - but at the same time we are all allowed to judge right from wrong, to examine our own behaviour closely and to see where the mistakes lie.

For me it is important not always to blame myself but this is always after examining my motives etc. Look at the other person's behaviour too. If I feel okay I know I have done all I could and done the right thing.

Thank you for posting an example of your son's gf. I find it very consoling to know their are others in the same boat.

Oh, mosaicwarts, I'm so sorry DS' GF is so distant from you. I take it you still see DS though, and I hope you can be happy with that.

Sorry to hear what happened to your coworker. But if she called her DIL names, I can see why DIL felt she "didn't like her." When DIL said, "no one calls me names," IMO, that was her cue to say, "I'm so sorry about that. It was in the heat of anger, and I didn't mean a word of it." And if she could bring herself to say it honestly, something like, "I know I shouldn't have said it, anyway, and I promise you it won't happen again." Maybe it wouldn't have helped, but IME, these are the kinds of apologies that get results, if any of them do.

But you don't mention your coworker apologizing at all, so perhaps she couldn't honestly say sorry. I respect that, but also get if DIL wouldn't "start fresh" w/o an apology. Too much risk that it would happen again, maybe in front of the kids.

"Society nowadays is so different."

Agreed. I'm not sure if it's better or worse - or maybe just that, different. Young woman/people stand up for themselves now more than many of us did, and I appreciate that. Wish I had known better how to stand up to MIL, etc. But I think some of them opt for NC when LC (lowered contact) would suffice. Very sad, IMO, very sad.