I’m new on this site and hoping to find some sort of comfort in airing out my dilemma. I'll start off with a short backstory before getting into the real problem, so as to provide a brief history as to how we probably got to where we are now.
I , like many other mothers, raised my son to be a caring, loving and respective human being. We did nothing but support him throughout everything that he wanted to do. Whilst in college, he dated a couple of girls off and on but they were never serious relationships. Then he met a young girl, whom he became very serious with and she ended up being my DIL. Thing is when my family and I were first introduced to her, he introduced her to us as his wife. Needless to say we were all in shock for we had never met her and obviously did not know that they had decided on their own to get eloped.
I tried not to show my disappointment but a couple of weeks later, invited him to lunch so that we could discuss this big but shocking decision. He told me that he was very much in love with her and they had decided to go ahead and silently get eloped. We asked him if he wanted us to hold a small celebration to their union and he made it clear that he needed for us to respect his decisions and his union as is. We said ok and let that topic rest. Then he started spending all holidays with her family and we barely ever got to see him at all. I mentioned this to him and he responded by telling me how his wife was right about me not liking her. This also came out as a surprise to me for I barely even knew this young girl enough to dislike her.
Two years later, they announced that she was pregnant. We were so happy for them both. This would also be the first grandchild for both families. She only wanted her mother in the hospital with her during delivery and I respected that. My son and her also made it clear that they would not be accepting any guests after the baby was born, and that everyone was to wait to be informed on when to visit. Three weeks after her delivery and we had still not received any invite to go over. I sent my son a message asking him if she was ok and checking to see If the baby was ok and there was no response.
My husband tried to also follow up with them during the three week period but all texts were ignored. We knew that they were okay for they always posted pictures on Facebook with her family and our grandchild. They however chose to ignore our messages. One evening after seeing all the baby pictures with the other grandparent and her family members, when we had not seen our grandbaby four weeks down the line, I admittedly got very upset and sent my DIL and son a group text expressing my hurt.
My son did not respond to the text but DIL did and spoke for the both of them. She made it clear that this moment was not about me, went on about how I had never liked her, expressed how I had disapproved of her elopement and according to her I’d always treated her like she was beneath me. I was in shock for we had some discussions with my son, (which I now regret doing) but they were never about putting her/them down or disapproving of their union. Apparently she always quizzed him out of information and managed to twist everything that I had said so now I was the villain. I very briefly got to spend time with my grandchild, and didn’t get to enjoy it for the atmosphere was so tense from her hovering right over me all the time.
Fast forward, we had a few arguments for she was not working to support the baby and my son only worked a minimal wage job. This was none of our business, but they kept on asking for financial support all the time, and for the longest time we did this solely for our grandchild needed it. When the disrespect and entitlement got too much on their end we stopped the money train and told her to get a job if they wanted to continue living the lifestyle that we were providing for them. We were instantly cut off. In fact we did not even know that we had been cut off until we called to check on them one weekend and there was no feedback. Husband checked again and we received a very rude text with a laundry list of all the things that they mentioned we had done wrong to hurt them. Some were true, others taken completely out of context, and the vast majority completely imaginary on DILs part. She demanded for an apology. For the sake of our grandchild we offered on, but this was not sufficient enough for her. She mentioned that we offered a blanket apology and she needed for us to have an apology for every perceived misdeed in her head. We tried to talk to our son and he was very upset at us for mistreating and disrespecting his wife. Long story short the last time we heard from them, they made it clear that they did not want anything to do with us. We tried to reach out to them but all our attempts were in vain. They constantly gave us the cold silent treatment. They then moved to a new address, and changed their email address and phone numbers. We were in complete and utter shock!
But the greater shock came when our sons grandmother passed on. We got our sons information through one of his siblings with the sole intent of informing him of the death in the family. He completely ignored us and continued to do so and eventually missed his own grandmothers funeral. I don’t understand how our son became so cold and ruthless. He never even sent a condolence card. He is now upset that his sibling gave us his information and sent him a very hurtful message telling him how he will no longer be a part of his wedding party. This is another shock to our family considering that the wedding is upcoming and this is his brother.
Does he hate us that much? Has DIL twisted his mind to where he no longer even wants to spend time with his own family or share once in a life time special moments? We are now blocked off of everything including facebook and cant even see pictures of our grandchild. This estrangement has been going on for close to a year now and I’m so hurt and lost. I feel so betrayed by my son. Never in a million years did I think this would happen to me. Are we bad parents? Where did I go wrong as a mother? I did not even know where to look for support but just needed a space to type it all out and hopefully get some relief. If I don’t respond its cause I'm hurting so badly right now. Hes dumped his own family like we mean absolutely nothing to him, we cant see both him and our grandchild no more, he didn't even come to/acknowledge the funeral, is backing our of his own brothers wedding, is giving us the silent treatment and cutting off anyone that speaks to him on our behalf all because his wife is so hurt and refuses to forgive and move forward? This just feels like a bad nightmare that will never end. I'm not even sure what I'm expecting from the group but just needed a space to get it all out.
Do I need to like them all? - son's wives
Telling a child 'no' - parenting
She thinks he has a problem - alcohol