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What WIthe Children Think

(48 Posts)
Starlady Sat 11-May-19 18:37:06

I always wonder what the children of today's estrangement will think when they are older. Will they think their parents were justified in COing this/that GP, etc or regret not having them in their life and reach out to them? No way we can know, of course. But a poster on another thread said her mum co both sets of GPs. I'm wondering if anyone else here had that experience as a child and how you feel about it.

Starlady Sat 11-May-19 18:38:33

Sorry, that title should read, "What Will the Children Think?"

phoenix Sat 11-May-19 18:46:14

Not sure if this actually fits in with your OP (have probably got the wrong end of the stick) but I left my ex when ds2 was only 12, and I still treasure the time that he said "you only left dad because you were so unhappy"

Bibbity Sat 11-May-19 18:55:04

If DC ever ask about our reasons for CO MIL I will be up front and explain everything. Luckily we have a lot of witnesses and people who would collaborate so I’m not worried about being told we’re lying.
If they were old enough I’d be fine with them making contact.
We call the shots now because they are so small. But once they have their own mind they can make their own decisions.

Buffybee Sat 11-May-19 18:59:22

Yes! My Mother was estranged from her Mother as a child.
I know that it doesn't seem possible now but her Father was an alcoholic and her Mother tried to leave with her but his family stepped in and wouldn't let her.
Consequently, she was raised by her Great Aunt, who twisted her mind regarding her Mother and told her she had been abandoned.
She took pleasure in telling me that she often saw a woman watching her in the street and knew it was her Mother but ignored her.
I know that when my Sister and myself were small, presents and Easter eggs used to be left on the doorstep but we were never allowed them.
I desperately wanted to meet my Grandma but I never did, I am still sad about it. Years later, my Cousin mentioned her and was shocked when I told him that I had never met her, he told me that I had really missed something there, that she was absolutely wonderful. I'm sure she was!
Unfortunately by then she had died, she left my Mother an inheritance, I thought that my Mother would not accept it and was shocked when she told me that she had banked the cheque.
Fortunately, I had a brilliant paternal Grandma, who I absolutely adored, more than anyone, I would say.
A few years ago I searched my Family History and felt quite emotional when I found her.

Jomarie Sat 11-May-19 19:09:41

Oh what a sad story Buffybee - I really feel for you - and how brave you are to re-tell it here. Sending you some virtual flowers - sorry they aren't real ones flowers

March Sat 11-May-19 19:37:53

At the moment, our children are young so we keep it as simple as we can. 'XYZ wasn't very nice to us so we keep away from them'

As they get older, if they ask we will explain more about the rift.
It will be DHs choice if he wants to go into his childhood although they know a little bit already.

We don't know what the future will hold but if all this continues it will be upto our children as adults what they do.
If they want to get in touch with them it will be their choice. They will have the tools by then to know how to handle them.

It can go two ways then.

Grammaretto Sat 11-May-19 19:47:48

You can be estranged from your GPs for other reasons, not just because your parents split.
I only knew one GP but when we emigrated, we never saw her again which was quite sad.
I don't think you can miss what you never knew.

agnurse Sun 12-May-19 02:42:05

DSD knows exactly why FIL is VLC and she agrees with us. He did not treat her well.

rosecarmel Sun 12-May-19 03:34:19

My children understood and respected my actions or lack of as they grew up but confidently followed their own path which they were encouraged to do -

A the takeaway from estrangement is learning when and how to bow out of a situation when necessary and the takeaway from reunion is learning how to step up to the plate and connect -- or reconnect -

DillytheGardener Sun 12-May-19 06:36:21

My mother was estranged from her father. He ran off with another woman and left my grandmother a single parent with a young baby and a business to run.
My grandmother encouraged my mother to spend time with him. He was a drunk and intimidating and she decided to no longer see him. His family said nasty things about my grandmother , who never said anything bad about him ( which she was well within her rights to) My mother noticed all of this which is why she reached the decision she did.
I don’t regret my mother’s choice. She saw him briefly before she died and brought us to say goodbye, but I have no regrets that I didn’t have a closer relationship to him.

BazingaGranny Sun 12-May-19 09:42:11

I can gather what CO sort of means ... cold out (?), estrangement, etc. What is it exactly?


Mouse Sun 12-May-19 10:06:47

For many reasons I fell out with my father when my children were small and didn’t want to see him again. I didn’t stop him from seeing the children and my then husband would take them fir visits. After a few weeks the children asked for the visits to stop because grandad was bad mouthing me when they were there and it upset them.

Gonegirl Sun 12-May-19 10:11:37

Children can forgive so much, especially of their parents.

Whether there will have been damage done to them by the effects of the broken home, is another matter entirely. Sadly.

ninathenana Sun 12-May-19 10:22:45

BazingaGranny CO cut off/out

I don't get DSD or VLC. I've not come across those before.

Gonegirl Sun 12-May-19 10:24:02

Darling step daughter. Don't know the other one.

Gonegirl Sun 12-May-19 10:24:54

Very little contact?!

Gonegirl Sun 12-May-19 10:25:24

This is getting like a games thread. grin

Hellsbelles Sun 12-May-19 10:26:34

I've never met one set of gc . They are now 3 & 5 . I find this very sad. I've always sent cards on birthdays and Christmas but of course have no idea if they are opened. I have other children and gc who are in my life but it is still very heartbraking to know I have a part of my family who do not want me in their life.

Starlady Sun 12-May-19 11:19:02

Sorry BazzingaGranny, but CO, as says is "cut off"or "cut out."

Nina and Gonegirl, Iv always heard of VLC as meaning "very low contact," but "very little contact" works, too, I guess, lol.

4allweknow Sun 12-May-19 11:22:55

I never knew ny grandparents as all but one had neither died before I was born or when I was very very young. My parents were older when I was born hence GPs no longer around. I have always felt I have missed something in my life. I do wonder at the trend for parents being older nowadays, do they consider that grandparents won't be around all that long.

Starlady Sun 12-May-19 11:39:40

That should read "as Nina says," not just "as says," LOL

pinkjj27 Sun 12-May-19 12:19:33

I spend the day with my 18-year-old grandson that spend a lot of his life being a pawn in his mum’s games used a punishment. I have seen him and four siblings aged 1-12 on and off over the years. I have grieved and hurt when My daughter would take them away (always over money) Be joyful when I saw them. 9 when she wanted something) He contacted me last week and asked to meet me. We went for a drink then a mealm played darts( never played inmy life before ) went shopping hada lovely day and evening.
He felt hurt and angry and pointed out many times that she can’t stop him now. I was very careful not to run my daughter down. Then this morning I got a text from the 12-year-old girl saying I want to see you too. Certainly, in my case the kids don’t think their parents are justified they feel hurt and want a relationship. They are angry with my daughter so she has done herself no favours.

pinkjj27 Sun 12-May-19 12:20:26

grands net needs an edit button

glammanana Sun 12-May-19 12:44:24

All the abrevations looks like the script from "Line of Duty"grin