Depressed,abandoned daughter

Yes we are all with you. And it never ceases to amaze me how the more guilty a person is the more they will lie to get support and the more support they will get, for in your case your SILs parents don’t want to believe his flaws. So it’s tough. Brilliant advice above. You are doing the right thing. I’ve found the more you try to appease people who are acting incomprehensibly and unfairly the more they think you are to blame!! So don’t bother. And do help daughter get her rights sorted out. It’s s bit of a bootstrap time and the truth will out. Power to you both and enjoy those lovely kids.

I think Facebook causes endless upset

One of my granddaughters, lives apart from her dad, and there have never really been any problems with his parents and my daughter, my granddaughter loves nanny and spending time with her, which my daughter has always encouraged

The problem is, dad now has a new family, and it’s all over Facebook every weekend, the amazing time they are all having together, my granddaughter doesn’t have access to Facebook at the moment, but when she does it will be very hurtful

Very sad time for you all Jaffacake2 but it won't always be this tough, the children are very young still and there's no rush for your daughter to find work as that can add to some of her stresses. Part time work or study would probably fit in better with young children and could possibly give her and them a better future. I agree with you encouraging her to join other mums groups, even mum's net as she can get a lot of support and social interaction while she rebuilds her life. Stay neutral with the in laws and SIL as it will all work out eventually and I'm glad you unfriended some of the facebook contacts. Good luck, take good care of yourself and enjoy your holiday

The very best action is silence. Continue to support your daughter as best you can, but not at the expense of your own well being. It is very hard, there are many many others in similar positions. You must know the boundaries on what you are able to do, and try to stick to them while supporting your daughter if you can.

I think Easybee has given you very good advice. The practicalities need to be sorted. The children need to see your dd at weekends not just during the week. The other granddad and grandma are obviously trying to heap goodies on the children in a battle to win them, but as The Beatles famously sang "money can't buy love." The children will know this. Try to spend quality time with them as others have said and let them know what love is. Money it aint.

Jaffacake2 welcome to Gransnet. I’m sorry that your first post has to be such a sad one. I agree with the others that your priority is to look after your own health, while supporting your daughter as much as possible. She needs to get a better balance with the childrens’ visits to their father. It’s not fair that he has all the weekend fun, with his parents’ support, while she has to cope with everything else.
Whatever else she does, please encourage her not to “badmouth” their father in front of them. My daughter split from a very bad relationship, but has always spoken well of their father to the children. He wasn’t a good father in terms of interacting with them, but he does love them. They are adults now, and are on good terms with him. Your GC will soon pickup that their dad and his parents speak badly of her, if that is the case, and it will be held against them.
I hope that life improves for you all soon.

That is a sad first post Jaffacake I'm so sorry for you all in this situation. Good advice given on here, don't get involved with the in laws unless its necessary, don't criticise the children's father in their hearing etc. Continue to support your daughter as you have been doing but don't put your own health at risk. Lots of love and cuddles for the children.
My daughter was in a similar situation some years ago and now her daughter is grown she has said how much she appreciates the fact her mother was always there for her. Unlike her father who provided holidays and treats but nothing else. Good luck.

Thank you for suggestions. At the moment the 3 year old attends nursery and 2 year old at home with mummy through the week and he has them at weekends. This suits my daughter at present as she gets a break and can see friends. She has lots of local friends and little ones who all go to toddler groups in the week. When the children are both at school i can see the arrangements changing so she has alternate weekends with them.
This has triggered memories of my past
when my exhusband left us and I brought up 2 girls by myself. I never thought my own child would be in this situation decades on. She now says she gains strength from the memories she had of growing up with lots of fun and now aware we had minimal money. It's true that children remember the times spent with them rather than how much is spent on them.

My boys were 7 and 5 left in an awful mess and looking back the only thing I needed was a listening ear. I had to go onto benefits because he would not support us. He did me a huge favour because whilst unemployed I went to college and slowly changed my life for the better. Yes I too lost the in laws but it certainly made me stronger and yes it was a very lonely and painful time but I ended up with a completely different life. All I would say to your daughter is There is a light at the end of the tunnel. As was said to me at that time 30 odd years ago.

Hello. Your letter resonated with me as my daughter was left by her husband 3 months after the wedding. They were together 9 years and had twin boys aged 6 at the time. He came back 8 months later to do the same again after 3 months. She was in a terrible state. She had to take time off work. I was very involved with the boys and she got better and strong enough to divorce him. She then met a lovely man with whom she just had a little girl. The x husband is still causing trouble and doesn't pay anything towards his boys but demands to see them regularly. His mother has behaved in an evil way and we don't have any communication with her. Keep away from the in-laws. They will condone their son's behaviour no matter what he's done. Another bit of advice. Tell your daughter to block him from social media. It only adds to her pain. Tell her she will get through this awful time and to be kind to herself. All the best.

What is it with mothers and their sons?
I’d like to think if my son was behaving like an absolute pig, I wouldn’t be so blinkered!”

But I bet they all say that!

Oh dear Jaffacake2 - this sounds like a very raw time and as though it has only happened relatively recently. I read a wonderful phrase in a family court recommendation by a solicitor recently (a couple who have dragged each other, and the children, though the courts over access following their marital breakdown) which spoke about the need for the children to feel as though they are being ‘richly shared rather than deeply divided’. Your daughter and son in law need to focus on the children’s enduring need for love, security and consistency and, even though their marriage has clearly broken down, to negotiate as adults and parents over their children’s future wellbeing. It sounds as though you have had experience yourself of being a single parent and am, I’m sure, a treasure for your daughter. Although it must be dreadful to see your daughter hurting so much, try not to get bitter over your son in law’s abandonment of her. In a strange way if it was going to happen, it’s almost better that this has happened whilst the children are still quite little as they will adjust more quickly to Mum and Dad being apart. Enjoy your Grandchildren, let your daughter know how much you love her (I’m sure you do..) and do make sure you have some support, and time, for yourself in all this.

You’ve had lots of good advice so I won’t repeat it, except to say that it doesn’t seem unfair that SiL has them every weekend and please unfollow him and his parents on Facebook, it’s not the same as unfriending and they won’t know about it, you just won’t see their posts.
My exSiL trotted back to his parents and then into the arms of another woman with whom he has two more children. He pays no maintenance for DGD. We’ve come to the conclusion, over the years, that he is a sociopath. BUT DD is unrecognisable to the person she was when married to him. She is stronger than I’d ever have believed possible. This is what I hope for your DD too. You’re doing everything right so just keep on!

TBH Jaffa, as long as they are good to the little ones, that's all that matters. My daughter is in a similar situation, but her children are teenagers. They are very close to their dad's parents, who do a lot for them. My daughter works and so between us we help out, but I must admit, they do more . I am on my own and have other grandchildren, who I try to see at least once a week.
Btw, my daughter's in laws have never liked her, but they don't have blatant rows. There is an u dercurrent of resentment, but I don't interfere.
Just support your daughter, but don't get involved. The more love there is around the little ones, the better .

Should have mentioned....my daughter is divorced.

Jaffacake2 - I was put in a similar situation when my now ex son in law walked out on my daughter and three GC. He claimed there was no-one else but, three weekends after he left, youngest GD came home from a visit to Dad announcing she had a 'new Mummy'. That relationship ended when girlfriend said she thought she was pregnant. He hightailed it back to my DD who took him back. Fast forward four months and DD noticed him getting lots of messages/texts on his phone, he was looking at arranging a holiday in France for the following Summer and she saw a card in his briefcase from a woman saying how much she was looking forward to the holiday. DD was shattered, she thought it was going to be a family holiday. He left and within weeks this other woman had moved in with him. His parents blame my DD entirely. DD was banned from their house and had to wait at the garden gate to collect the GC when they visited at weekends. So many lies have been put up by his mother on Facebook, she cannot see that he has done anything wrong. My DD has not responded to anything posted even though I know she has been in tears because of what was said at times. Four years on and he now has two more children with this woman and has come out of work as they are better off on benefits (she already had three children before they got together). Because he is out of work he doesn't pay a penny to my DD for the GC (she works full time so he didn't have to pay a penny for her, just the kiddies). I use Facebook a lot but my DD asked me to not respond to their posts so I have 'blacklisted' them all so they cannot see my posts and I don't see theirs anymore (I don't post about them and their lies in any case). I feel I should make a stand and speak out but DD doesn't want me to do that. It is hard to see the GC being drip-fed the same lies but they are now reaching their teens and asking awkward questions so the truth is slowly coming out. I concentrate on helping my DD and GC - her friends know the truth of the matter and it would only upset my DD more if I did say something.

I have been through the same situation. Support your daughter. Make sure she keeps hold of and files away any negative contact from her ex or his family, as you never know. Get access legalised. My ex SIL had my GD on Friday Evening and all day Sat. DD has her on Sunday - so they both get weekend time. DD has asked him to have her the odd night during the week and take her to Playschool, but her says it is too difficult. I completely agree with sharing weekend time! Very important. DD and ex now sometimes eat out (breakfast) with their little one - putting her first. A word of caution. If the ex's family have pots of money, be wary of them trying to use it to gain custody. It is not unheard of - not wishing to frighten you - but be aware. Encourage as much communication between them as they are able to cope with. Better for the children in the long term. There will be upsets, DGD uses the 'I want daddy' tactic when she doesn't get her own way. This can be hurtful.

Don't waste your energy on the bitterness you feel for those who have inflicted such hurt on DD.Your strength is needed for D and GC. If there is little or any chance of a reconciliation which seems at present highly unlikely and the poison spewed by the in laws will be making it worse then you together with D need to obtain professional advice and support especially where contact with GC are concerned .You cannot be denied this and as D is not the guilty party in this then I am most positive neither D or yourself will have any problems in getting what is rightfully both hers and yours. Be strong.

If he's been telling lies about what an unfit mother she is, strange that he thinks it's okay to leave them with her ?? (A point to remember for the future!) Lots of wise words already - just wanted to add; maybe encourage your daughter to arrange treats for herself when the children are with his family (could you and she do something nice together) so that she's not left on her own at home wondering what they're up to. And, yes, they definitely shouldn't be having them every weekend - every second weekend is enough. She doesn't have to bow to their / his demands. Get legal advice if possible.

Knickas63 interested in your comment that in laws might use money to get custody how does that work ?

Hi
I’m going to go against everyone’s advice and say that if it was me I would ring up that mother in law and remind her how her son has walked out in his family and I would tell her don’t you dare speak to my daughter like that!!! No one wants to deprive kids of all their grandparents and parents but I would make sure your daughter talks to her ex about access. He can help out in the week and every other weekend that would be fair. Proper sharing of parental duties!! They are walking all over her no wonder she is depressed. Some times you got to stand your ground. I’m infuriated for you! I’m all for everyone staying friendly but hey have already put a stop to that. I wish you luck and I hope your daughter finds the courage to stand up for herself with your backing xxxxxx

Don't have much time to read every post, so apologies if any of this sounds redundant.....

Having your support and being a source of strength for her is the most important thing of all.

Depression is understandable under the circumstances...in this case, it applies to both you both. Easing the grief, helplessness and despair that is common in marital breakups is where she needs help the most. A good therapist can help her focus on healing so she can recognize optimal, viable solutions.

If this is a divorce, a competent solicitor will work in her best interest and can ensure that any post marital arrangements are equitable and satisfactory.

Wishing you both the best

I think Knickas means they can possibly afford lawyers etc. Your DD should get a reduction as single parent of council tax. If ex not paying maintenance she needs to contact child maintenance service and they will advise. Maintenance is separate from contact. Also she might get universal credit depending on her wage so its worth applying.
I agree with unfriending on facebook but you and she should also block them.

Jaffacakes
There is nothing on earth like the maternal grandmother love. Use and maximise it to best effect any time at all that you see your grandchildren. I will be thinking of you.
Very best from Dawn.