Depressed,abandoned daughter

From personal experiance I would say give your daughter as much support as you can, without making yourself ill. As for in-laws when my ex walked out after neally 30yrs, his family totally cut me out of their lives, to the state that they will walk out of a shop if they see me?? My friends and children gave me support after my breakdown, and still do at bad times. I could not have got throough eith out them...So just be there for her. The children will see it all for what it is when they get older

My ex walked out when DD was 4, paid nothing to support either of us. I sorted out Benefits as best I could, filed for Divorce & applied for a College Course. By the time I went to Court for Decree Absolute I had my place at College, my ex didn't attend Court, I was granted sole custody & he was ordered to pay 5p per year maintenance for each of us (Solicitor advised that I needed to do that in case I ever wanted to have it increased)

My parents & I never said a bad word about my ex to DD, she saw him occasionally but never forgave him for walking out. Children need love & as much stability as you & DD can give them.

Ignore the in-laws & just offer your DD support but not advice unless asked for. Make sure your DD is getting all the Benefits she's entitled to, JobCentre will offer support & advise on training opportunities without too much pressure as she has 2 small children, I believe she cannot be made to return to work until the youngest is 7.

There's been lots of good advice, she & your DGC will come through this, wishing you all the best

This happened to my daughter, her husband walked out because he could not cope with children and work. She has anti depressants, and counselling and for months I phoned or wrote every day - small tips for developing a positive outlook even when things look bleak. ( She lived a distance away). Fast forward a few years and she is a strong independent woman with a new job, a new partner . Her ex sees the children and has been accepted by his new partner and family. No one owns anyone else, so support, but encourage co operation and avoid friction if possible.

i wouldnt stoop to their level .they want to be selfish people then let them. when grandchildren come over ask them what they want to do. maybe they not been on a nature walk or a bus ride. saimple things mean a lot. and tone down on the treats. you can always make fairy cakes instead of treats.be the bigger person in this childish behaviour.....dont bother about facebook you got better things to do .like gransnet. its wonderful you are there for your daughter at least she knows she got you as her comfort blanket....

Jaffa. Hopefully they will do no such thing. But people with that sort of money, First Class travel etc, are often used to getting their own way, and have the means pay for expert help. I was concerned re their reaction to your daughter at the initial separation. Just be aware. Love and support sent your way.

My Stepson’s relationship broke down with his partner, totally different situation so I am not making a comparison there. He point I do want to make is to say we have had the children every other weekend for almost a year. They are 7, 5 and 2. We give them security, stability and love. No expensive treats - we can’t afford it, but bedtime stories, dens, playing ‘shops’, trips to the park. They love our time with them. I just wanted to say that they will treasure quality time with you and your daughter. That is what they will remember. Your daughter needs to change the contact arrangements so he’s not just doing all the slog and him the fun stuff. Support her, love them, don’t get embroiled in the behaviour of your Son-in-Law and his relatives. For him to just walk away and abandon his responsibilities like that shows his true colours. Hopefully in time your daughter will move on and her grandchildren will know which parent is truly there for them. I wish her, them and you all the best.

I feel for you
Having been in a similar situation many years ago I can only advise you to rise above it , support your daughter, never criticise the father or in laws to the children and avoid the poison on Facebook... and believe me in a few years the kids will work it out for themselves and the relationship you build with those kids now will last into their adulthood...hang on in there

Not seen any comments on getting help for your daughter. I hope she is supported by her GP. There will be support groups that your daughter could join. Children are as expensive as you would want to make them. Kind words, love and support are far more important. Simple things like - lunch out - just the same as they would have at home but take it outdoors to the park or walk by a river. Reading books and play act the characters - their laughter will pick up your daughter's spirits. Good luck

Hi Jaffa, my ex in-laws used to take the 4 kids all over on holiday. All 4 of them say their caravan holiday with us on a farm in Cumbria was the best one they had so just keep going with the love and fun!

As others have said, sorting out finances is really important as is more fair contact arrangements.
Your daughter is entitled to a decent amount of maintenance too. She has been left literally holding the babies. Too many men try and wriggle out of it by buying things for the children but she needs that cash to help with daily expenses and also the childcare she may need when she starts work again. If she can afford to see a solicitor for advice so that she knows her rights. In my experience men can be quite good at manipulating.

Sara65,
your earlier comment below is extremely unfair:

"I’m sure this is a problem that many families will identify with, as usual, it’s the woman left trying to hold things together, and the man just wanders off, back to mummy and daddy"

Whilst it may be more common it is by no means "as usual" that" its the woman left to hold things together as the man just wanders off".

Have you never heard of "Fathers for Justice"?

My DIL walked out on my son completely out of the blue after seven years taking their two boys with her. She stopped him from having any contact with their boys - not even a phone call at Christmas. As a result he had a breakdown and was admitted to a psychiatric unit for his own safety - he was suicidal. It has taken over 8 months for him to sort access through the courts - who very quickly found in his favour.
All this because she was having an affair.
We have been through the worst year of our lives because of what our DIL has done and she is completely without remorse and is squeezing for every penny she can get.

It makes me very angry when I read posts like yours.

I’m truly sorry about your son mossfar, and I apologise if I’ve caused you offence, but I still think it’s usually the men that walk away

So many excellent advices. I won't repeat them. I'm so proud of all of you grans. I've read two pages of this thread so far.

Jaffa, So glad you've joined us, be it under horrible circumstances. My heart goes out to you and your daughter. At the same time, I feel so angry with all those men who just walk out on their families and refuse to explain themselves or try to save their marriages. No decent human being does that. In your case, his family seem to lack much humanity. They cause too much pain without putting much of any effort into it too, if we let them. It's so very hard to heel from it but we must. I'd use any therapy available to me and as soon as possible. It takes time and a great deal of effort and hard work to pick up the pieces and recover from this awful situation. When we are in a state of shock and suffer from depression, it can be hard, very hard to see the ways out of it but there are ways, and that's very important to be aware of so we can ask for help and advice and therapy. You seem very aware and wise to me. I hope you and your daughter are doing a lot of self care, self compassion and self love to regain and maintain your physical and mental health. Your daughter has only you and her children need her more than anyone else and their gran. So you both need to be physically and mentally healthy and strong over these horrible days, weeks, months. I hope not for years. I hope very soon you'll feel he and his family are just not worthy for you two not to find joy in life. I found Mindfulness and Meditation and yoga far more effective than medication and they've helped me to maintain myself; it's become my way of life. I'd also get as much information as possible about my daughter's legal rights. I'd see if my daughter's doing this and if not, I'd encourage her to do it for her and her children's sake. I googled CAB and found it very, very useful and here it is:-

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/ending-a-relationship/how-to-separate/deciding-what-to-do-when-you-separate/

I hope you'll keep us posted on how you are getting on. May you both soon be safe, secure, healthy and content xx

Thank you all for your suggestions and kind thoughts they are very much appreciated. Just a quick update of positive news . My daughter had managed to get a part-time job which she can also top up with universal credit. He pays maintenance and half the mortgage so financially she will be solvent. I am helping out with some hours as childcare.
She is feeling happier and we are both looking forward to the holiday.
It has been helpful having objective advice rather than all the emotional responses from friends and family who want to kill him ! Thanks again x

Welcome Jaffa! I'm sorry about what DD is going through but glad she is feeling better. I'm sorry about how it has affected you, as well, but hope you'll be feeling better, in time, also.

I'm another one who thinks you should focus on being supportive of her and not get in the middle between her and SIL or his family. What they said to her was very cruel and unfair, but she's an adult and can, no doubt, answer (or not if she prefers) for herself. If you step in she may see that as if you're treating her like a child. Not to mention it could backfire on you if she and SIL ever get back together (and please don't think that's impossible).

But as long as they're not together, I see no need for her and her XILs to remain friendly. It might be nice, but she doesn't really need them in her life, surely. Eventually, when she finds someone new, she may not even want them in her life that much, just in the kids' lives.

I agree with those who said the main thing is that they are good to the children. In fact, I don't see any harm in their posting pix of their activities with the kids on FB. These events occur, if I understand correctly during SIL's weekends with them? And DD is glad to have the free time? Then there's no need for them to include her or to be afraid to post their pix. Unless they're badmouthing her to or in front of the kids - and I hope not - I don't see any harm in their enjoying these times with the GC and posting about it. As a PP said, if you or DD find it painful to see, just unfollow them.

I hope DD's situation continues to improve and that she surrounds herself with people who care about her, not those like her XILs who can give her nothing but negative energy. Wishing you, DD, and your GC all the best moving forward!