Beside myself with anger

Wills, you can leave your money to whoever you want, the exception is you cannot leave your spouse without support.
Children are often excluded for all sorts of reasons, they can of course appeal to a court, some get an award if they have been unreasonably excluded but challenging a Will is very expensive.

It might be that he enjoys being able to do it for her? My DH has a hobby which IMO is a TOTAL waste of money, but it comes out of his spending acount not our joint money so it doesnt anger me. I have my own frivolous spends that I dont have to justify to anyone

If we hadnt agreed how we divided our money, and he was spending money on that "hobby" out of our joint bills or joint savings accounts, I would be FURIOUS.

See the difference?

@westerlywind

I very much hope my daughter doesn’t prioritise me over her partner!

@Bbbface why not? If you and she agree that you should prioritise her why would you not expect the same in return.

Presumably, your daughter is a functioning adult with a life of her own. She will have chosen to either get married or move out of your house or both of the above. She chose to leave. Unless you are completely free of her father, any current partner she should not be your priority.

By putting your daughter first you are encouraging the view that DM/DGM should being doing everything for daughter and any grandchildren while expecting nothing i return

Your partner is enabling her! He is part of the problem. He has to learn to say no. They can only come between you if you let them. I don't know what the answer is as you arent going to leave him however I hope my post helps.

I can only offer that above that he is a part of this too as he doesnt say no. He will get resistance from HRT if he does this, probably emotional threats tol to try and get him to give in.

You need to communicate with strategies for when she asks again explaining rather than arguing why you are now saying enough is enough.

He is actually not helping her be responsible. I speak of this from both side of the fence. My late mom enabled me and I knew it and how to get her to help me. It didnt teach me responsibility and it wasnt good for me.

I carried this on with my 3rd child who has had more difficulties in life than my others. I was suddenly bought up sharp that I was repeating the pattern and had to break it.

I identify from both sides. I hope this helps you step out and into the third person so you can check out what going on here.

Her not HRT Forgot to check spellchecker! Doh

Incidentally regarding wills you can leave your money where you want. You can leave your children out of a will.

Also you cannot take out a court case about a will unless you can prove the person was not of sound mind when they made it. My late mom worked in legal in probate also, hence how I know

He has to learn to say no.

No he doesnt. People are allowed to make bad choices.

I am allowed to order a second bottle of expensive wine, DH is allowed to throw money at his interest. And the OPs partner is allowed to throw good money after bad at his DD if he wants to SO LONG AS its not from a pot that is shared with OP and earmarked for something else.

bbbface and westerlywind

Surely it’s not a question of either/or.
It’s a question of circumstance.
If one’s DC suddenly had a crisis of some sort, they would take priority, even if one’s partner usually came first.
We have to make choices like this throughout life. Do we send our child who might or might not be ill, to school, while we go to work, or do we prioritise the child and take a day off?
Do we renege on an arrangement we’ve made, because our elderly parent needs us, or do we tell our elderly parent they’ll have to sort themselves out because we already have a commitment?
Nothing is black and white.
And sometimes we even have to prioritise ourselves.

rossie you’ve already had good advice from other posters. I hope you soon feel calmer & in control of your anger.

@janeainsworth. I would agree that if a person needs help then they are the priority of the day.
To blindly devote oneself to a daughter above all others is probably not a good idea. Been there etc. Now I don't do anything at all for DC as I had already the time I needed the help was not in working time but it was not given. Looking back I saw the pattern.
I am just not going to be party to this which also includes using DGC as leverage. That is an abuse of a DGC.

Error there.
Now I don't do anything at all for DC as I had needed help. I had checked that this was not a time when they would be at work but no help was given, just failed to appear.

I am a bit ambivalent over this. I have two almost middle aged kids who still need me to help out occasionally, and a husband who has no children and is our only wage earner. Yet I give my kids money my husband has actually worked to earn. Fortunately he doesn't seem to mind, and considers that I am just being a caring mum.

westerlywind I think the problem is ‘expecting something in return’, as you put it in an earlier post.
‘To give, and not to count the cost’ applies very much to one’s children, I think.
How much time or money anyone should devote to their AC is a personal choice, and a valid one.
But expecting anything in return is expecting too much.

I would guess you won’t simmer down unless something changes within your relationship.
Tell him that. Work out what you actually want from him and talk about it.
Practically you can point out that each time she gets some financial help (more than brother say) it could be deducted from the amount left on the will.
But this is really about you feeling second best to her in the affections of your partner.
Do something nice for yourself before you have the conversation.

@janeainsworth.
Do you really mean that I should not expect my DC to do one thing for me while I do a lot of things for them?
I was rather expecting a two-way street. I am to give all manner of goods and services and never expect about 2 hours maximum from my DC.

I think it is reasonable to expect a bit in return for all we do for them. Westerlywind I can quite understand your hurt. It was obviously not a minor thing either.

I hope you don't let it spoil your family life for all time though.

You need to keep all your money separately so that is is not used for his daughter …….and do NOT have a joint account ..that way you will have no fear of your money being used to support his daughter and ex wife. He should have made provision for you as well, in the event of his death. I had an acquaintance who had to leave her home of some years as her partner had not stated in his will his expressed wish she remain in the house …..so you need to address this point with him urgently. Also, make a Will of your own.

@Gonegirl What happened was not an isolated incident it was the thing that made me look at what was going on. It is the culmination of decades of bad situations not just aimed at me but also older relatives.
For my own well being and peace of mind I can not get involved with DC or DGC. DGC came out with a statement which I know was overheard but it hurt me to the depth of my being as that child was my closest person.

One of the reasons DH and I married was to ensure each others financial position should one of us die. We married around the time we bought our first flat. We wanted each other as our next of kin.

OPs partner has not made her "family"/ next of kin.

Which is okay. It is okay to live as partners. So long as both understand that what it means and both are making sure they are legally and financially protected. It is a decision to live alongside each other, but legally independant of each other bar agreed contracts like a shared property etc

I kind of think that if he prioritised the OP equally he would want her to be family too.

If its the OP who is reluctant to marry, well then it should be accepted that he prioritises his family.

I am so sorry Westerlywind.

At the moment I want to demand that he leaves her out of his will

Huh? And who are you to demand this! . You sound very controlling yourself by making such a ridiculous statement. Its NOT in your place to make such a demand. This is his will not yours and he reserves the right to have his own daughter on there despite the anger that you have for her - and in spite of the 18 years you've shared with him.

I feel that they have got one up on me, spoiling my happiness and saying 'we will always come first

So? She as his daughter IS supposed to come first in comparison to a woman that he's dating. Sounds like your more jealous of the relationship that he has with his daughter and wish he made the same sacrifices for you that he makes for her. Is this the case?

Your this partner. Not his wife or mother to his child. You've also not been in his life as much as she has - so why would you want to "come first," or tamper with his will? Which being that you aren't even married, shouldn't even be any of your business anyway?

I'd never let a man (especially one that I was just dating - and I don't care for how long) ever come between me and any of my children. And you shouldn't expect him to sever a relationship with his own child (or anyone that he loves for that matter) simply for you've dated him for 18 years? That puts you out as controlling and manipulative which are worse character traits than those you've accused his daughter of.

18 years is also a seemingly long time to cohabitate - but that's none of my business - point is if that was a choice you both made you cannot demand that he altets his will. Thats a form of abuse! He still reserves the right to spend his money as he wishes to and leave his will to whomever he chooses to. So stop trying to dictate, manipulate and control his personal and legal right to chose.

Are you working? Or have you're own source of income? Or just trying to be spiteful and vindictively laugh whilst a daughter mourns her father who also cut her off of his will simply for his partner demanded it? Are you simply trying to hurt her and have the last laugh by doing this? You don't come across as a veryngood person yourself if this is the case.

I think your anger is directed at the wrong person. Yes the daughter sounds like she takes advantage, but she can only do that if your partner lets her.

This is a problem with your partner. Not his daughter

To make this fair for both you and his son he should reduce the amount his daughter receives in his will by the amount of money she has already received.

To make this fair for both you and his son he should reduce the amount his daughter receives in his will by the amount of money she has already received.

He can leave 100% of his will to Nigel Forage if he wants its up to him he isnt married to anyone any more his will is actually nobodys business and it doesnt have to be "fair"