Beside myself with anger

His money his choice .I've been married a very long time and I still think what my OH spends HIS money on is nothing to do with me.He doesn't check what I spend on either and often I'm helping my AD with things for her children as she had to give up work due to illness.I'm quite sure her dad wouldn't bother in fact he's been known to hand over allsorts of stuff to her over the years but its not something that has ever come up in a conversation .

He can leave 100% of his will to Nigel Forage if he wants its up to him he isnt married to anyone any more his will is actually nobodys business and it doesnt have to be "fair"

Exactly! This isn't about what's fair and what isn't. This is his money and he can donate it all or leave it will it to his pet to get the best care post his death if he so chooses to. Its not anyone's job to determine how another will distribute their will. And to demand for this as OP says is abuse.

Fact is OP knew that he was already doing this when she got with him and excused it as him doing it solely for his daughter had kids. I always tell people not to enter into marriage in hopes of rectifying/modifying their partners established ways/means. This applies to OP too. She met him when he was already helping his daughter financially and you were OK with that. What changed 18 years later? Its not your money/assets - and being that he has a will that you're not happy with, I assume that you did not have any shared assets anyway. If he was not paying into a situation that directly benefited his ex-wife would you still be this angry at his daughter? I'm inclined to believe that you are more upset over his ex-wife benefiting from his money via his daughter, and seemingly jealous of the help that he gives his own daughter too. What would be the point of one having a will if they could not express their end of life wishes OP? This is not your life that's coming to an end. Wills are there for a purpose. One being to respect the wishes of the departed indivual and ensure that people like you don't tamper with the process and disregard another's will simply for you feel a certain way about a listed beneficiary. I hope your partner has his will locked far away from you and with an independent party as the executor to his will.

I'm curious to know why you feel its in your place to dictate, control and manipulate the beneficiaries to another individuals will? Your also counting your chickens before they hatch by believing that death has a predictive order - when we all know how very random it is. How sure are you that he will depart first? As opposed to you or anyone else? Such that you feel the need to make demands on his will?

westerlywind I was talking generally & not about your own situation. I do think that generally, if we do things for other people, whoever they are, it's better if we do them because we want to, and not with any expectation of anything in return.
I'm very sorry that you've felt you had to sever contact with your DD and DGC.

Janeainsworth. I would not and have not taken abuse from any husband I do not see why I should allow anyone to abuse me. It was a difficult decision, I have shed many a tear but I could not live like that. It was not a life and barely even as existence.
I know a lot of the influence is coming from adults mostly the exh because of the phraseology used but my DC must have noticed that I was the only parent in the house. There have been fights between DC because of the manipulation of exh. He is true to form which is why I got rid of him over 25 years ago. I do not wish him in my house or life in any shape or form even if it is the DC and DGC repeating his words.
I have also observed other families whom I have known for most of my life and have noted that none of them behave like this. Luckily these families have always accepted me into their fold. Therefore I hang around with those who are kind to me and have not abused me in any way.
I am a logical type of person

Is there a reason why you have not married? I am not saying that to judge, but in marriage the one agrees to share all possessions with the other, thereby cementing the union and no offspring has a right to undo that unless there is a premarital agreement. Old fashioned though it was, it had it's uses. As for the children, they do not like to think that their parent has transferred their affections to someone who is a stranger, but that is something they have to put up with because they should not interfere.

If marriage is out of the question, then it is important that you both get together and sort out what money each of you is bringing in to the partnership and what your outgoings are and agree together on what to spend 'extra' money on. If he has grown up children they should be living according to their means and not sponging off him and if they know you are seriously working together they may do just that. It would be a good idea for you to get something legal as to the financial arrangements, otherwise you will be paying out more than your share because his children are still clinging to him. Ignore the X. She should be self supporting unless he has to pay animoney.

Why not amend the will so that moneys she has already received are subtracted from her inheritance? That is what we have done, as we have ‘helped’ our children with different amounts according to need in our lifetime, and want everything to be fair in the end.

@westerlywind

So you have a negative relationship with your children? You don’t do anything for them and vice versa.

And you think that’s ideal?

I have a wonderful relationship with my children. I prioritise then over my partner. No doubt about that. And I’m very happy. I have a very happy family and friend filled life.

My children would be there for me in a heartbeat but they are at a different point in their lives. Work, children - busy busy. Whereas I’m so much more available for them. And want to give them so much.

"He should have made provision for you as well, in the event of his death. "

VIOLETTE, he did. If you reread the OP, you'll see it says, "... his will, which at the moment is divided three ways between daughter, his son and myself."

"To make this fair for both you and his son he should reduce the amount his daughter receives in his will by the amount of money she has already received."

That makes sense, and the OP can suggest it. But her partner may not want to, nor doe he have to. Most older parents I know say that they're leaving equal amounts to their AC in their will, no matter what. They don't want any hard feelings between their AC after their (the parents') death, and they don't want any of their AC to feel "penalized" for having been needy while they were alive. I think you could make the suggestion if subtracting the amoung to your partner once, rossie, especially if he complains about his DD's neediness. But please realize he may not like the idea and be prepared to let it go.

You haven't said if you have any accounts separate from his. I hope so.

What a cruel post, Movingon! And what year, may I ask, are you living in? IDK anyone today who sees cohabitation as "just dating." Especially not after 18 years! To most people I know, a long-term relationship like that is the same as being married, especially if the two people are sharing a home/their lives/etc. Granted, marriage provides certain legal protections that cohabitation, by itself, does not. But 18 years together on a daily basis has a lot of meaning, definitely way more than just "dating" someone two or three evenings a week, etc.

That being said, I don't think anyone should make demands regarding anyone else' will, not even if they are married.

Rossie, please don't be upset by any harsh posts. But also, please don't "demand" that your partner cut his DD our of his will. No one has that right, and it may lead to an awful row and, perhaps, damage your relationship with him.

Rossie.
I can see that having yet again bailed his daughter out was what outraged you. It's one thing helping occasionally (ie) when her children were small and being guarantor but there does come a time when you would expect AC to stand on their own two feet. Being together for 18 years is a long time in a relationship and cohabiting is certainly not dating as somebody described. As for trying to get your partner to alter the will I wouldn't do that even if you were married. If you Google - 1975 Inheritance Act. - it shows you exactly who can inherit and who can challenge a will if they have not been included, and surprisingly an ex spouse or ex civil partner can also make a claim if they have never remarried or had another registered relationship.

To most people I know, a long-term relationship like that is the same as being married

But its not!

If my DH didnt want to give me the protections that marraige brings, and bring me into his family, our relationship would be very different.

Why would you not want those things for your life partner?

Dont get me wrong, theres nothing wrong with being in a long term unmarried relationship, so long is its what both wants: i.e. to live alonsgide each other until you dont, without being next of kin etc. 2 people in the same house rather than one family unit

Its a valid chice

But OP sounds like she wants to be treated like a wife, like a family member by her DP which begs the question: why isnt she?

Notanan this isn’t a criticism or anything negative, truly I want to know because the lover has recently moved in with me and wouldn’t dream of marrying him.

I don’t want my money ( such as it is) to be our money. If he got into debt ( which he will do if keeps buying the latest expensive camera?) I wouldn’t want to be responsible for that. I don’t want him to be entitled to half my house if things don’t work out.

If either of us needs care I wouldn’t want the well person to have to use all their money up on one person’s care.

And actually (meanly) having cared for a sick husband for many years, I know that the assumption is that a married partner will do all the caring with very little help, while a single person gets much more support.

Like I say it’s not a criticism of your position and Id be very personally interested in what you see as the advantage of marriage for older people.

I think you need first to discuss the fact that in the course of nature one of you two will outlive the other and that now, while you and your partner both are fit and in your right minds, seen from the legal position is the time for you both to make a will.

I don't think you can make a joint will when you are not legally married, and as he has adult children, I don't think a joint will would be a good idea.

If your partner is willing to discuss the matter, you might want to discuss difficult matters like resuscitation etc. while you are at it, you could point out that it strikes you as unfair to his son, who I gather has not had the same amount of financial help over the years as his sister, if their father leaves an equal share to each of them.

If she were my daughter, I would deduct the amount she has received over the years from her half of whatever I leave.

Your partner needs legal advice about the terms of his will.

If you don't have children, you don't mention any, I believe you can leave your money to anyone you like, and a home-made will properly witnessed would suffice, but it is probably a good idea to write down what you want, then go to a solicitor.

The responses to your post is the reason why I would not post anything personal.
Nobody knows the background for example is the daughter supportive of and kind to partner. Do you feel he is only being used etc. I even get angry seeing other people being used.
I understand your anger and feeling like coming least in partner’s list of priorities yet when it comes to support him one day you will end up first in line.
I don‘t agree with any sentiments that family support is a one way street - parents to children. This is true until they are grown up but after that children have to support/help parents too. It has to work both ways.

Eglantine21 I understand your stance completely and not marrying sounds 100% the right decision for you.

The OP doesnt sound like that is the kind of relationship she wants from her DP though. She posts as if she wants to be in the same position as a wife, not a partner.

DH and I want to be each others next of kin. We want all of the ties, commitments and benefits of marraige. If Im on a life support, I want DH to be the one the docs consult and vica versa. If I die first I want to make sure things are straight forward: DH is my main NOK and beneficiary. A will only does so much

If the OP wanted the kind of partnership you have Eglantine then surely the OP would not be so strongly worded. She may be concerned on behalf of her partner, but not so personally furious, if they were in a mutually satisfactory/agreed "separate but together" relationship IYKWIM

I don’t disagree. I was just curious I suppose and wondered if you’d say anything to make me think twice?

and wondered if you’d say anything to make me think twice
No not at all you sound entirely sensible and clued up...

The problem is when people (usually women) who arent married like the OP get disappointed or upset when they arent treated like a wife/family membet IYKWIM. But that is the deal. If their partner saw them as a wife or family member, rather than a cohabiting partner, they would want to marry them no?

Eglantine21 best now your partner has moved in with you to find out how you stand regarding your property. I always understood it that when a partner lives in your property for over 2 years they could make a claim on it should the relationship end and move out?

Sharon that is not true in the Uk. There is no such thing as the mythical "common law man and wife" and there are no associated entitlements.

It does exist in places like australia, unfortunately people assume its a thing here too and rely on it then find themselves left with less than nothing!

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

What a cruel post, Movingon! And what year, may I ask, are you living in? IDK anyone today who sees cohabitation as "just dating"

The ONLY cruel thing about this entire post is a woman whose not even married to the man in question demanding for a father to cut his own child off of his will, simply for she feels that his daughter and ex-wife in her own words has : "have got one up on me, spoiling my happiness and saying 'we will always come first'."

His will should be none of her business period! Its already been split three ways and she's getting her own fair share so why is she being so spiteful and hateful?

I'm not sure what year you're living in (only for you asked) but in the century I'm living in, every human being reserves the right to decided the beneficiaries to their will, without some controlling person putting demands onto it. How would you feel if a man you were "just dating," asked you to cut your own child off of your will? Inspite of the fact that they've got their own share fair as a listed beneficiary? Or kindly explain how you would feel if your own father did this to you.

But 18 years together on a daily basis has a lot of meaning, definitely way more than just "dating" someone two or three evenings a week, etc.

This is not how a court of law would view it if there was no marriage certificate. One can sugarcoat it however they deem fit but those 18 years will never make her entitled (legally that is, and maybe that's why she's making demands) to any of his personal financial assets (not unless there paperwork to show that she acquired them with him) which I doubt is the case for then she wouldn't need to make demands on anything. Or maybe they have shared assets, but her hate for he daughter makes her more determined to see that she looses everything from her father, even though it may not benefit her (OP that is) financially? Now how wicked is that if this is the case!

I'd unapologetically discard anyone who tried to make me cut my kids off, and I'd do so very quickly for that matter. I see all these posts about AC cutting their parents off, and parents being advised to cut their estranged ACs off of their wills, and here is an OP that's been coddled on wanting to demand for her partner to cut off his own child from his will? For what? His will shouldn't be any of her business anyway and if she wanted to make it her business, then she would have got married - the legal way! This is the reason why people have wills. They want to have a say in how their assets will be divided without having some Mrs. Controlling decide that for them too.

To most people I know, a long-term relationship like that is the same as being married

Not in a court of law it's not. The majority of people that you know are obviously not in the legal field - and their opinion on this won't count in a court of law either. The court wants paperwork, not biased opinions. Marriage is marriage, and a long term relationship is a long term relationship. The two cannot be interchanged especially when some partners have acquired assets/finances, adult children and ex-spouses (like in OPs has). Her partner is an adult. A fully grown man capable of making his own decisions. He's not a child. And even if he was one does not make demands on another's life. Its abusive, and "cruel," if you so prefer to use that word. Her goal is indicated on her post. She is tired of them coming first and obviously wants to cause harm by having the last laughter over all of this. I can't predict this ending well for her.

Movingon, I agree that it would be wrong for the OP to make demands on her partner regarding his will, I said that in my earlier post to you. In fact, I would be upset w/ anyone who asked me to cut my child out of my will, even if that person were married to me.

Also, I understand that cohabitation is not on a par w/ marriage in a court of law. But we're not in a court of law here, and IMO, it's harsh to brush off 18 years of a relationship, including cohabitation, as 'just dating."