Trusting again

Imagreataunt, he wants and needs his housekeeper.
You will cook for him, clean for him, shop,do all the washing,iron the shirts he wears to flirt with other women....
Whilst he sniffs around the women at work,adding the exciting dimension of the flirting, the chase, the secrecy, knowing you’re at home making him a nice meal....
Cut free!! He doesn’t deserve you. Take your last years, your future, enjoy no pressure,no expectations,and just be yourself, what a pleasure awaits you.

I’ve been in your position and was told “what you crying for”. Omg it hurts when all you want/ need is reassurance. I forgave twice, and the 3rd time that was it he was out. It’s been 2.5 years now and he still try’s to come back. However not once has he said sorry, not once would he sit down and discuss it and still to this day turns it around on me not getting over it.I most certainly wouldn’t go to Oz with him, he will be fitting in with new job socially where does that leave you. If you are going, you need to have a plan on getting home if it doesn’t work out for you. My daughter lives there and it can be a lonely place and it will be unfamiliar to you as well.Im guessing your not to confident in tackling him well he is relying on you being like that he’s pulled wool over your eyes twice how long are you going to let him rule your life. It was best thing I ever did I feel like new woman. Find that inner strength. Australia’s a long way away with a totally different lifestyle than the Uk are you really ready for that with a husband that is not supportive.Good luck

PPS. If it's just 'an emotional thing', it's all in the head - a dream. And that's not real. Unlike a marriage that's stood the test of time, in spite of everything. It's not even a real affair -the sexual compulsion that drives people to turn a life upside down.

So, maybe - don't blow it up out of all proportion. Surprise him - put yourself first for a change now that your children are grown and gone. Look up all the hints on this site on how to make one's self look good. Become a little selfish. And enjoy Australia.

I've heard it said that we will never get over any kind of betrayal until we feel our spouse understands how it hurt us. To give a silly explanation and then expect you to move on is incredibly ignorant. Then to get angry at you because you are still feeling the pain is beyond all understanding. I feel for you and am sorry you have had to go through this all alone.

If u need any help pm me I’m going through exactly the same right now and yes he getting angry when it comes up he looks very depressed. He knows marriage over I’m relieved no more wondering if he with her no more check up. I’ve had affair with a lovely man and I’m still see him my husband done me a favour as I was never happy with him and bored stuff. He looks scared now never thought I wd go I have half the house money to buy a small semi lots of friends who are divorced. Look at him see the cheat and liar in him take ur money out of joint acct and hide it. You will receive half house and pension do not worry about money u will be ok don’t look bk it’s a great feeling to be free. I have only been free a week after 39 years of marriage but I’m moving forward and I can too
Don’t be scared I’ve cried for my dad too it’s natural at bad times and I miss him every day and I said to my husband my dad would turn in his grave to see the coward u are now. Don’t stay with him it will eat away st u inside like it did me there are lovely decent men out there life too short x

He has a very manipulative streak making you the villain. I agree with those who have said that an emotional relationship is much worse than ‘just’ a sexual one. I have been where you are now, without the move to the other side of the world, I divorced my husband and it was the best thing I could have done for both me and my daughter, who was twelve years old at the time. I would think very very hard about moving to Australia with him. Get some legal advice about how you would stand financially before making any decisions. Good luck.

Sounds like a serial adulterer to me! Move on and be happy spending half of whatever you own on whatever you want. Career - always recruitment signs everywhere on the high streets. There is always a way out, don't spend anymore of your time being unhappy.

Go with yr GUT feeling.tread carefully.not unusual to miss your Mum no.our Mums were SPECIAL.[

He's someone who can't be trusted.

He shuts you down.

He's emotionally abusive.

He doesn't respect women - or he wouldn't behave this way.

He doesn't sound worth wasting another minute of your beautiful soul on.

Look up the freedom programme to find out how someone who has respect will treat you.

I think you have to consider the worst. I generally don't think people should spend too much time 'what iffing' but in this case it is such a big move that you have to think it through carefully.
What would you do if you got to Australia and he did it again? Could you come back if you wanted to? Is he going to a nice part of Australia where it might be possible to make a new life for yourself? It might be worth having a look at the law in Australia to see what the provision for you would be if you did separate. How is your health?
If you can afford to keep your return fare aside with a bit extra and ring fence it then I would go and try to treat it as an adventure. Build up your own social life as much as you can.
What would you have here if you stayed without him? It might help to write down pros and cons but then go with your feelings.

I do sympathise with your situation but please do not move to Australia. This man has betrayed you and seems to be very selfish. Moving to the other side of the world, when one is older, is not easy - I did so myself. At least, I was in a happy marriage but still struggled. A couple, whom I know, moved to Sydney. He is very controlling and she is naturally submissive and very naive. She was very emotionally close to her mother and he was determined to get her as far away as possible. He has had many affairs but I think his wife stays because she is very dependent on him. Please do not allow this to happen to you!

Your husband sound awful but regarding Australia - can't you see it as a great opportunity for yourself? New beginning and interests - great climate and beautiful large country (a lot of it!). Perhaps you could start new career there?
Good luck!

Don't go to Australia. He's betrayed you. And lied probably. As long as you keep 'trying again', he'll keep on doing it. Have more pride in yourself. You can and will be fine on your own. Women are the stronger sex. You don't need him dragging you down. You're a person in your own right, not part of him. Let him go & chase other women in Australia on his own. Men are easily flattered, it won't take him long.
No, you're not too old to miss your Mum, ever x

He’s annoyed that this has reared it’s ugly head again. He should be offering you unconditional support and love.
I personally would let him go alone.. and if he does decide to go alone then it will prove he’s no regard for you. It’s a long way to go time be unhappy.
He won’t change. Men like this don’t!
Think of the other women he may have had attachments to that you don’t know about.
Look after you now. I’d stay here.. you are young enough to start a new life here. Without him. He’ll be fine.. he’s sure to start another ‘ emotional” affair as soon as he starts his new job.

it's selfish of us I know but I think we would all like you to give him a thump and dump him. How dare he. I miss my mum too. Always. It is interesting when my mum was dying in her late nineties, a devoted widow, it was her mum she spoke of as she waited for death. She died very peacefully. I was quite shocked how little my dad came into it!

PS So sorry - I really should check, shouldn't I? I should have written "miss one's Mum" and '"thank you" x

If you chose to go. See a lawyer to know your position regarding if you stay or move to Australia. Don't sell up so you can come back at any time in the future. Keep paying into the UK voluntary pension.

Why would you go to Australia with such a selfish pig. You wont starve in the gutter without him. Have a little faith in yourself and leave him.

Dear Iamgreatauntie, No - it isn't unusual to meet one's Mum at any age - I'm older that you and I think of mine almost every day. Yours is a guardian angel. She'll be a comfort to you whatever happens. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you well.

It’s funny how so many men have the ability to twist and turns things around when THEY are in the wrong! It seems that their guilt can make them become angry or abusive towards us, even when WE are the injured party! I hope you manage to sort things out and move on. Be strong - and good luck for the future xx

There's nothing "just" about "emotional". It relates to an affair which is infinitely more of a threat than something which was purely physical. You're already aware of multiple betrayals of trust, but how many more have there been that have been successfully hidden? In my painful, personal experience serial offenders can be prolific, and don't tend to stop. In fact it can get worse as they age, and their fragile egoes require more and more reassurance that "they've still got it".
Do you really want to uproot and move to Australia, away from your current support structure of family and friends? If it all goes pear-shaped again out there you could be very vulnerable. I would be looking for local advice as to whether I thought this relationship was worth it, and consider getting out fast. Don't worry about the financial aspects. You will end up with 50% of the estate and your ex would also have to settle a significant financial sum on you. You have also built in entitlement to a proportion of any pension he may have built up while you have been with him. Stay in this unsatisfactory, somewhat poisonous marriage and you may live to regret it. Be brave. You know in your heart what needs to happen...

You sound so much like me, it is normal to still miss your parents and feel so alone. My husband seems just like yours and they just don’t understand that the pain of betrayal never really goes away. We learn to live with it, but sometimes that pain is triggered again and it almost feels like fresh new pain.
If you would like to chat I am available anytime.
Remember you are strong, only a strong woman lives with pain and doesn’t run away xxx

My first husband had affairs and even got one pregnant . He always put the other woman first before his daughter and me . It first started when I was 21 , my mum had just died , I had a three month old daughter and was having treatment for cancer . I needed to able to depend on him so much but all he cared about was he selfish self . When he had own up because one of them was pregnant , there was no sorry . The only thing he said at least i don't have to live a double life now . I had to leave him because if I had forgave him , he would of done it again . Just to prove things right he done the same thing to his second wife . To be blunt you can't trust your husband , you can keep sweeping things under the carpet or have it out with him once and for all . You probably won't like what you hear but at least you know were you stand . Good luck .

First of all, if going to Australia, be prepared for it to take a minimum of 4 years to even begin to feel settled - it will be hard for you - the other side of the world from friends and family even with skype. I lived there for 5 1/2 years and didn't work - if I had my time again, I would certainly found a job of some sort so I could at least have made some friends rather than relying on my in laws and my husband to give me a life outside the home.
Now to your husband - the fact that he is trying to put you in the wrong gives me cause for concern as does his comment that "it was only emotional" I assume that he means that they didn't have sex. Wonder why he hadn't already deleted the messages ?
It sounds as if he is someone that likes to feel that first rush you get when you fancy someone and the added piquant of the secrecy. However, he is still with you so that must say something!
Whatever you do, don't spend any more time thinking that you can't make a life for yourself - it's not easy finding a job when you are over 50, but you are not alone - many employers appreciate the skills that you already have just by living your life. Start off with voluntary work ( wherever you go) at the very least, it will get you out and about and give you a bit of independence.
Lastly, not wrong at all to miss your mum. Why shouldn't you? Parents are a huge part of your life and the two people that know you inside out.

oh gosh, what a decision you have to make, I have read all the comments here, and can so agree with most, if not all.
certainly get legal advice,,, and ...do you love him? do you trust him? even then,,, so many of us are not brave (?) enough to go it alone.... that is where I would start....

praying for you.
oh yes, my mum has been dead 50 years, and whilst I wouldn`t say I miss her, I do feel her near to me, and hear how she would advise me ... I appreciate her more now than ever.