AIB too suspicious - I don’t want to make a fool of myself!

My friend used a private detective.
As someone earlier up the thread said, decide what you want to find out before you do anything.
At the moment he MAY be innocent.
Maybe not.
You can choose your timing.
Protect yourself as much as possible.

Have you any plan as to what you will do should you catch him with this woman?
Do you want a showdown, there and then, (remember there will be two of them); you are not on your home territory and may have to drive yourself home in a rage; you may bump him into jumping before he is pushed. He sounds a practised, if not very convincing, liar.
If you really mean you want him soon to be an ex OH, gather your evidence coldly and carefully and confront him on your territory with as many facts and figures as you can collect. (while he is away go through everything, from coat pockets to bank statements.) Then ring this woman and tell her what you know.
Are you married or in a relationship? How secure are you financially?
What do you really want to happen?
It sounds to me (bitter experience) that he is continuing his previous relationship, and that she is pushing him to leave you.
If you go, go on your terms, not hers.
Sorry.

When you get to the flat, be sure to use the bathroom (to see how many toothbrushes there are and whats in the bathroom cabinet)

Don't let him deflect his guilt onto you. There's no reason why you wouldn't check the phone bill. So if he complains tell him that by cheating on you he lost the right to complain about you checking up on him.

I'm afraid it does seem like he's continuing his affair or even started a new one. Did he honestly say he couldn't remember who he spoke to on the phone?? He's an idiot.

You don't need to find proof of an affair - if you feel that's happening then it probably is , trust your gut instinct.

I hope it all goes well for you.

I would have done things differently, but I believed him. I believed in him and trusted that he would never ever treat me with such disrespect. He did.

Gather your evidence and do nothing until you've taken legal advice. Be prepared for a showdown and it will be distressing. Check bank statements for cash withdrawals before he's had chance to move them.

Check on finances and how much you could have to provide for yourself. Check mortgage statements. Sorry but it's the only practical way you can provide for your future. Know his earnings and bonuses if appropriate.

Then decide can you live with this person? If he breaks down and is sorry and promises he'll end it, will you accept that? Can you overlook the affairs if that's what you discover? Can you face going on holiday with this person?

This all takes an enormous amount of courage, but you have to be true to yourself. You deserve better than to live with a liar and a cheat. Massive hugs! xx

Gma19, I'm so sorry this is happening to you. It seems to me you've already made up your mind what you're going to do, so all I'll say is that I agree w/ those who say see solicitor first and make sure your finances are in order. Also, I agree w/ those who say a cheater forfeits any right they may have to expect you to be open and above board. You deserve better than this. Best of luck to you!

Londonmefrits, downtoearth, and Ginny, my heart goes out to you, too. And you also, BlueBelle, though your story is amazing!

I wonder how much a private investigator costs. With a telephone number he could probably find out a name and address for you.
It would fairly shock him if you did uncover his behaviour at the flat and be able to call her by name.

As others have said, make sure you have any assets sorted and be careful he wouldn't empty any joint accounts.

For the time being, be nice to him. Be normal. But think very hard if you want to leave him or not. Can you put up with his infidelities? Do you still love him ...? Do you want to cling on, or get rid? Make your decision, and stick with it.

You actually heard him tell someone that he intends to leave you 'after our next holiday'. That would be enough proof for me! And you don't have to provide proof that you know (telephone bill, etc.) for him! Are you hoping that he's that he's lying to the 'other woman', and just spinning her a line, but his real intention is to stay with you? Would you be happy with that?

As others here have said, sort out your money before you do anything. And yes, you need to be cold and calculating now. Protect yourself as much as you can before you make any moves. Seeing a solicitor is a good idea (if you can afford it). You need to know where you stand legally.

I don't agree with showing up at his flat. If he is there with someone else, though settling the position once and for all, it would be hugely embarrassing and demeaning for you. Likewise, phoning 'her'. Keep your dignity.

This whole thing - whichever way you choose to go - is going to be distressing. Stay strong. Good luck.

Isn't it amazing - this philandering bloke goes 'joy riding' and his poor partner is the one who feels guilty!!

It beats me why we women tolerate this kind of serial philandering and all the lies and disrespect which go with it, because we know in our hearts we have not allied ourselves to a faithful man and there is bound to be heartache for us again, in the future.

So you have two choices Gma29 you either accept this is your lot in life - at least until he finds someone to run off with - and he will - or you get out now and find someone who treats you with respect.

You don't need to put yourself in the humiliating position of confronting him/them, you know what he's doing.

You also know the health risks of sleeping with a man who has been joy riding with several other women.

As soon as you come back from holiday (why waste it?) don't unpack your case, just pack a few more and get out. This rat will never change.

I know she knows he’s married, as he told her we are parting after out next holiday, (which is already booked). That was part of the conversation I overheard.

If you heard him say this, there is no reason for you to stay with this man. He is humiliating you daily. Get your finances in order, then ask him to leave. He can stay in the flat near his boat, you can stay in the house at least until the divorce settlement. If you have a joint account and joint savings, withdraw half and open new accounts. Then get a good solicitor. No matter how much you love him, he does not love you.
Nothing is sadder or lonelier than being in a relationship like this. You will be better living your own life without this man.

Leopards and spots come to mind. Sorry.

Trust is gone now and won’t return. Your call. I’d just leave. Not easy and I’d need a week to sort out where I’d be living, then pack and go.

I don’t think you’re married?

I have too much self esteem and pride to (a) stay or (b) play Miss Marple.

But we are all different. One of my friends is still with her philandering husband after over 30y. He has had numerous affairs, promises all sorts, does it again (and again). He told her last Christmas he is only staying with her for another year until the baby boy of the family is 18y (they have AC opinion their late 20’s).

I said to her why do you put up with this?
Why don’t you just leave him?

Her reply?
I love him.

Good luck going forward, whatever your decision.
Xx

Opinion?? Just ‘in’.

Not sure if I could go on holiday with him knowing what I know or (think)

The thing is even if you decide to stay with him the "can you ever really trust him again"

It seems odd that his hobby is so all consuming it needs its own flat.

So sorry for you Gma29 - I think the many posters here are absolutely right. (And BlueBelle's actions seem spot on, to me!) It appears that your OH is philandering: now you have to decide what to do about it. I hope you can be strong and get this man out of your life. I wish you a much happier future.

You don't say how long you have been together and not sure if you are married or not. If you aren't then sort out your financial position and whether you are going or staying in the property. If you are married see a Solicitor before speaking to your OH. I am not sure about trying to confront them it could go horribly wrong and I don't think its necessary. He does sound as if he might be stringing the other woman along.

'He’ll think looking at the bill was sneaky.'

Sorry to be blunt, but at this point I wouldn't be giving a sh!t about what he thought.

I'm betting my life savings he didn't end things with her. He still sees her at work and his 'hobbies' very much include her.
The trust is gone. He's having his cake and eating it. Get your ducks in a row. You don't need 'proof' you are well in your rights to end things with him due to his first affair!
You've overheard him.

But instincts are real and you are worth SO much more than having to check phone bill statements

I am afraid he has made it obvious that he is seeing someone else and from the "balcony" conversation , intends to leave you.
I would not be the one to leave the house but tell him to leave. Why should you make yourself homeless, when you are the injured party?
Keep calm and gather as much financial information as you can and just before you confront him, take half of any shared accounts and put it into your own account. You need to see a Solicitor, at least for advice on what to do.

When her H was away for a night a friend of mine in a similar position washed and packed all his clothes in bags and confronted him on his return. He was made to leave with his tail between his legs metaphorically speaking.

Washed his clothes!!

It does seem as if you lead separate lives. He does his thing to the extent that he meet a separate house. Maybe it's time to have a heart to heart and find out what you want from this relationship? Many people turn a blind eye because it takes courage to face the truth and staying with someone is in the long run preferable. What do you want?

Agree with those who have said sort out your legal position for if you separate. If your 'D'H is as sneaky and disloyal as he sounds, he will probably try to get away with giving you as little as possible, especially as he has an expensive lifestyle to maintain. See a solicitor and then obtain any documents you'll need, including financial details, while your 'D'H doesn't realise you're onto him.

Quite honestly, if my husband had acquired his own flat and was spending nights away, and was having private phone calls with women and telling them he was soon to be divorced, I wouldn't be beating myself up for being suspicious. He isn't even bothering to hide his affair from you.

Only you can decide if you want to put up with this until he makes his mind up to leave you, but personally, I think I'd rather be on my own with the share of our joint finances that I'm entitled to, rather than put up with this crap.

Unfortunately once you've been in love with someone and it's been ended by reasons other than you've just fallen out of love (eg by being discovered by the wife) the feelings are still strong and just like a drug addiction you're highly likely to be drawn back to that person. I think you're either going to have to share or call it a day. I am so sorry

Sort out your finances on the quiet get a plan together and leave him, he is taking the you know what!

if you have a phone number .after speaking to your husband i would call her number......calmy say that you know about her having an affair with your husband.tell her you not going to stand for her being his little bit on the side... but talk to your husband first .see what he denies then show him the phone bill.. but are you ready to make the break and kick him out. he might think you are going to forgive him again .there will be a next time too and you will forgive him him again. how many times do you forgive him ,thats like giving him permission to carry on his affair,....hope he hasnt got an STI.......