AIB too suspicious - I don’t want to make a fool of myself!

Before you do anything else, I'd make sure you have rock solid evidence before proceeding. I'd ring the number and say, 'Hello, I'm just ringing because I found your number written on a pad in my house and wondered if it was anything important.' Don't say you looked in his phone - just let them both wonder. The reaction you get will tell you everything you need to know. Personally, I'd then pre-empt his leaving by having the locks changed to the house you share and leave his bags outside. Then go and see a solicitor.

I know this sounds harsh but imo you need to take back some control in the situation.

My advice is to concentrate on yourself.

Don't waste energy wondering where he is or if he is with the woman - spend your time and energy working out what you need to do if you do split up.

How about making an appointment with a free solicitor to find out where you stand if you separate? I am not sure if you are married or how long you have been together, but you need to get legal advice to protect your own interests.

As others have said, once the trust (and respect - do you still respect him?) has gone, the relationship is surely over.

Don’t go, just change the locks on your home after he leaves to go to his flat by the coast!

Sounds to me as though he is leading this woman up the garden path. Saying he will leave but putting it off. He wants the best of both worlds. not actually prepared to give up his cosy home life.

Definitely a cheating cad.

It’s been difficult for me to try and forget it, especially as he still sees her at work

Gma29

Trust is like fine porcelain....It's easily broken. Depending on the damage, it can be mended but the repair is never going to be perfect.

You didn't mention how many years you've been married or how soon before your husband retires? Can he change jobs? How far could you (realistically) move away in order to remove him from proximity to this woman? Will you still be able to trust him enough after?

If the trust issue can't be resolved, you need to assess your own financial situation. Do you have a job? If not, do you have enough marketable skills to find one? Can you at least consult a good solicitor so you know your options?

Lastly, you need to examine your own feelings and whether or not you can be happily married to someone who still hasn't been able to regain your trust.

Why don’t you make a point of visiting him in his flat. It seems very suspicious to me that he would have this ‘bolt hole’.

I agree you need to check him out. Go to the flat or sit outside in your car and wait to see what happens. A friend of mine suspected her husband was cheating. He had a v large 4 x 4 truck. She told him she was going out but instead climbed in the back of the vehicle and covered herself over with a rug. You can imagine what happened when she popped up to see him with his latest woman sitting in the front with him. Don’t think I could have done that though

I’d be tempted to stake out the flat for a while to see if he’s taking someone there. Videos and photos to confront him with that he can’t deny but as others have said make sure you’re financially safe.
Then take back control and leave him before he knows what has hit him!

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ignore earlier message, meant to be on new thread. Hit the wrong button....

I’m so sorry that you find yourself in this situation. Going by what you posted - your husband is being unfaithful. As others have said, check your finances thoroughly and then seek legal advice. Personally, I would not go the flat in the hope of catching him with someone else - it could be very upsetting and humiliating for you. I wish you the best of luck and stay strong! ?

Been there, had the badge and worn the t-shirt as they say at the end of 1986 start of 1987. No mobile phones or internet at that time. I look back and wish i'd been stronger! Today I would say to you that once the trust has gone that's the end. You'll drive yourself crazy when he goes out wondering where he's actually gone, who's he phoning, what's going on at work. If I'd have heard that part of the conversation about leaving after the holiday I couldn't have kept quiet. I trusted my ex and never in a million years would have thought he was capable of what he did. I knew something was going on but didn't want to believe it. Have you asked any of your friends if they know what's going on. I found out that mine did but didn't want to tell me just in case he came back and I'd never know. He never came back. Would I have had him back? Yes at that time I would have because I loved him so much. My brother did the detective work without me knowing.He found his car, just a couple of mile away from me. She worked with him too.
I'm just wondering if someone could put a camera in the flat? Other than that I would ring the number you have or ask a friend to. Ask to speak to (husbands name) and go from there. Or drive to the flat and sit outside close by and see who he goes in and out with. Easier still, confront him with the phone bill. I hate to have to say it but I think the affair's still going on. Once a cheat, always a cheat I'm afraid and as I said, once the trust has gone you'll never believe a word he says again. Do keep in touch.

If your home is in joint name's you cannot change the locks. As property is still legally his until a divorce settlement. I know it is tempting but you will be told by solicitor it is not legal, don't waste your money on locks yet!!

tempting as it would be to turn up at the flat or tell him you know, I'd actually spend the time gathering up all possible financial documents, and the evidence you have and ideally ask a friend if you can store it with her for a little while, after you've had the chance to look for suspicious activity. And yes, look at his stuff in his own name too and take copies so you know what accounts he has. I'd see what he packs up for holiday too. Then I'd see a solicitor and find out what best to do next, maybe 2 solicitors, get recommendations
One urgent thing I did was make a will cutting cheating husband off, if you hold the house jointly rather than as tenants in common you'd need to split the tenancy. This would be a solicitor who dealt with wills rather than the divorce solicitor
As to when you actually file I don't know but it would be very satisfying if a letter were to fall on OW's mat the day after he left
And head for chump lady's website and forums, lots of support there, wish I'd found her sooner
As for the number, I'd not ring it, maybe a neighbour or relative whose number your husband won't know could ring it and ask foryour husband [or if you know her name ask if that's so and so]

Why do you feel guilty about looking at the phone bill? Surely you can look to see if it is correct and say you questioned the number. Turn up unannounced at the flat, if only husband there be prepared to stay and see his reaction, perhaps trying to cancel his visitor turning up. Of course if other party is there then you have all the proof you need.

Been in your exact same situation, and yes he will make up excuses. So my advise would be to get to the flat before he does, make an excuse to leave the house ( going to a friends/ family for lunch whatever is plausible) find a good spot to park up so you can see the the entrance to the flat but so he can’t see you and wait and watch to see who goes in, have your phone ready so you can take a picture.Once you’ve seen him go in and if she’s there as well then call him with an reason to chat if he doesn’t answer then call her and ask to speak to him then he’s caught. However she may not answer an unknown number or if he’s clever she may know your number already and been told not to answer it. If she knows about you and I’m guessing she does as they work together she’s not going to be forth coming with any info in fact she may be pleased you know cos she will hope you will kick him out so she can have him.I was turned into a right detective when I had it done to me as he denied denied denied and I knew my intuition was right. If you would like any advise or just chat message me privately. I would definitely get 100% proof before you tackle him or he will pull wool over your eyes. Stay strong.

There is the makings of half a dozen novels here !
Just ask him if he is calling/seeing the woman and what is he going to do about it , no need for spying etc

Oh Gma29 what an awful position to be in I don't think you are being unreasonably suspicious, I think you are trying very hard not to see the truth.
You are trying to treat him the way you always have, with respect and love which is why you are feeling bad for not trusting him.
Unfortunately he isn't treating you with the same considerations is he ? He is leading a double life, he has a whole world of friends, support network and a home life all ready for him to step into when he has dropped his bomb. He is timing this for when it's convenient for him and all his domino's are lined up.
I wouldn't advise turning up at his flat or calling the number just yet, I'd be organising my own domino rally.
Legal advice, accountant, contacting the holiday firm and changing the details so that I went on holiday with a good friend instead. I'd tell him nothing but I would prepare for the blow he is about to deal you.
Just like the other gransnetters who have had similar situations, my advice to you would be to forget the man you thought you were sharing your life with and take a good look at the man he has become. You will get angry, absolutely crazy angry and rightly so, you will get so lonely that you even think you wished you'd stayed blissful in your ignorance. All this will pass and you will be happier for it , good luck in whatever you decide

Turn up at the flat definitely. Also, is there any way you can get your hands on his phone - while he is in the shower or something - and ring the number from his phone and see what response you get. Don't be hesitant - something's going on.

Gma29. I went through the same thing some years ago. I heard my husband on the phone his last words were I Love You so I new he wasn't bloody talking to my mother. I checked the phone bill, kept checking the amount of phone calls. I did question him and he admitted he was having an affair but said it had now ended. I had her number so I rang her. Afterwards when ever he was away which happened a lot as his job took him all over the country.I checked his petrol receipts to see if he had been in the area where she lives, he had and still denied it. For me a leopard never changes his spots as this wasn't the first time he had flings with other women. That was the end of my 25 year marriage as far as I could see their was no going back? I have now remarried and am very happy.

"This time, I don’t have proof, so I know he’ll deny it, say it’s just a friend, I misheard etc. I suppose I just want to be absolutely sure first, otherwise it’s almost pointless challenging him, as it won’t really get me anywhere."

YOU DON'T NEED PROOF.

He's either having an affair or he's not. If he is, you've already said he'll be an ex-OH. And if he isn't?

Consider the possibility that he isn't having an affair. What then? You will spend your future eternally suspicious of him, watching for signs, unhappy. In what way is that an attractive future? You'll spend it just waiting for him to have another affair, because THE TRUST IS GONE. And it's unlikely to ever come back since he's not doing anything to win your trust back.

I would end the relationship now. You don't have to have proof of his current betrayal (I do believe he is having an affair right now) to end it. All you have to say is that you no longer trust him and this has changed how you feel about him and you don't want him any more. Because you're not ending it because he's having affairs, you're ending it because you don't want to live like this, without trust.

Unless you're prepared for a very angry scene, don't just arrive at the flat. You need evidence, but what kind of evidence?
IF you want to divorce him, it's very difficult to divorce on the grounds of adultery. There must either be a child born in that relationship, or you need a photograph of them having intercourse. Mmmm.

The best way is to plead is that there is an inappropriate relationship with a third party and that you feel unloved and disrespected. You don't need many examples but that would be number one and you have to say how each example makes you feel. That he stays away from home a lot is another. You suspect he's using joint resources to entertain another person. He doesn't show you affection and you feel unloved, etc etc.

Think carefully about changing the locks btw. It is illegal unless the house is entirely owned by you. If his name is on the mortgage and the deeds he has as much right to enter as you.

Aggie unfortunately it’s not always that simple as to just ask him, cos if he wants to have his cake and eat it he will deny it and come up with all manner of excuses so she needs proof and checking up on him ( spying is the only way).

I would keep quiet for a few weeks, do all the business of setting myself up for leaving, finances etc. THEN I would turn up at his flat with most of his stuff, especially a bag of dirty washing of his (if its your house or bought together) knock at the door and just dump his stuff. No reason, no discussion, and walk away. I packed all my husbands dirty washing in a back bag and walked across the road to the pub where I found him sat at a table with her and some friends. I just said if you want him you can have him but you had better take this and tipped the whole bag of dirty washing over the table and walked out.

Gma29
I am very sorry.

I am sure he is two-timing you. It is over. Do not confront him yet.

Be cold, calculated and organised.

Get your evidence.

There are several imponderables here though.
You call him your OH, so I do not know how much your money, life, assets are tied up with his.

I would none the less get legal advice straight away..

You may need to think ahead to whether you might move out quite quickly. How big is the house? Whose name is it in?

Could you change the locks while he is at the boat-flat, once you have confirmatory evidence of his adultery?

I would not confront him yet - he will only lie.

Whatever you do, collect evidence;

video at best but recorded is good.
My friend put a small voice operated tape recorder in her husband's car ducktaped under his seat. He used to make all his calls in the car. She then asked him if he was having an affair, which he denied. She taped that too. Then she played the tape to him.

You might try to film him at the boat place. I do not know the geography or difficulties involved. A hidden camera would be very useful if possible.

If you can afford it you can hire a private detectective.
This is usually only worth it if the break-up of the partnership is going to involve splitting assets and you claiming money from him.

I repeat:
Start facing up to the fact that he is not to be trusted and it is over. Start preparing for what you will do to end this relationship. Who owns the main property? Ge legal advice now, before you talk to him. Be well prepared. Get evidence of his double timing you before you confront him. Then change the locks on the house while he is at the boat-flat.

Tell him he can speak to you through your solicitor only.