Relationship Q&A with Relate

I found your post on here rather surprising Purpletinofpaint having read and contributed too the thread you started on the Estrangement' forum.

One of the questions I would ask Dee is, are Relate counsellors trained to spot the oh-so-plausible manipulation of narcissists?

I have been shocked at the situation her where supposedly experienced counsellors have been taken in by the lies and play-acting of someone who is textbook narcissistic. Taken their side against the partner (and why would a trained counsellor or psychologist take sides anyway? Are they not supposed to be impartial?)

Even the courts did not seem to be wise to his antics. It baffles me.

Um, I thought a Relate Consultant, Dee Holmes, was supposed to come in and answer these questions. Where is she?

Finding a way to get parents to listen to our grievances without defensiveness or criticism would be a start. For parents to hear our experience without going 'Ahhh but, what about meeee' & immediately jettisoning what their child has just said. Sadly, the reason so many estranged parents are abandoned is they're completely unaware of their own lack of consciousness.

Is there any recourse to the Court for all the injustice, disrespect and lies levied on us by our children. I have a good mind of bringing them down!

Are there answers to all the sadness above?

it would be impossible to make infrequent contact with estranged kids with 'no emotional strings' its stressful enough coping with the estrangement without adding more upset to the mix!

The problem with maintaining "regular infrequent contact" even with "no emotional strings attached" Alexa is that this is often regarded as harassment.

You only have to look at comments made on the estrangement threads to see this is often the case.

"How can you reestablish contact with estranged children when you are rebuffed every time you contact them? There must be a time when you have to say enough is enough and cut the cord!"

Perhaps it's neither of those. You cannot predict what the future holds and you cannot control the children.

What you can do is simply maintain regular infrequent contact with no emotional strings attached i.e no reciprocity expected by you.

It may be that some time in the future, perhaps after you are dead and gone, your children will be going through a bad time and your faithfulness will give them some hope.

I haven’t seen or spoke to my son for over 10 years,he doesn’t want anything to do with me or his sister, it still hurts but I’ve had to move on in life,I have tried contacting him and I send his two children who I have never met money for birthdays and xmas, I sent him a long letter asking for contact and apologising for anything I have done that hurt him but no reply .

I'm in a similar situation. I've decided it's time to start learning to live and enjoy life without my children - lets face it they're not thinking or worrying about us! I'm going to try to plan new things and try to realise that the 'perfect' family just doesn't exist! No more guilt. Children even in their 30's can be cruel and that's what the 21st Century seems to be about. Just be glad you're not like them. If they do phone, tell them about your new 'hobbies', 'holidays' and so on and whatever you do don't let them think they have succeeded in hurting you, even though I know you're in a lot of pain!

Me too! My daughter clearly loathes me and has turned my other children from me as well. No actual row or anything I just had the audacity to say 'no' for once!
My middle daughter has been so insulting and unpleasant towards me that I don't think I can ever get on with her again and this makes me feel a lot of guilt! I already suffer from chronic depression so I have no emotional resources to keep on being slapped in the face, which is only making them feel good and making me feel worse!

My 36yr old son has recently moved back in with me, well actually He was bailed to my address.
He has a wife and 3 children.
He can see his children as long as it's supervised visits. His wife will only let herself be the supervisor, so visits are not easy.
There is no structure to the visits it's just when the wife has a spare couple of hours.
My son has been diagnosed with mental health issues so isn't strong enough to fight for proper access.
It breaks my heart not being able to do anything and seeing my son so broken

I am grieving the loss of my oldest son and now my youngest son and his wife have decided to cut off our relationship to our 2 granddaughters. They up and moved 6 hours away and we've barely had any contact with them except for couple of phone calls for over a year. I know my son's wife has never liked us. She just used us for babysitting and I guess now we are no longer needed.

How can you reestablish contact with estranged children when you are rebuffed every time you contact them? There must be a time when you have to say enough is enough and cut the cord!