Dear moggie57. Oh how sad this is! You are obviously in such terrible pain and I know too how much our daughters can hurt us. I really do not think they actually mean what they say. I am sure your DD is depressed and, as you say, is still grieving. I have been through a similar thing with one of my own daughters in particular. At the time it ripped me apart but looking back, although I am not entirely recovered, I honestly think she was taking out on me all her anguish and grief. It is true that sometimes we take out our worst feelings on those we feel safest with. That is why us mothers get such terrible treatment. It is not much comfort to hear it. But the fact that she says hurtful things to you and not to her MiL actually is because she loves you in such a close way and is closer to you than she could ever be to her MiL. Indeed, after losing her DH, this closeness may even frighten her.
I am retired, but I am a trained and experienced Psychologist. I do not often say this but I would like you to think about whether your daughter, when she says horrible things to you, might be projecting her own feelings on to you. Projection is when we have horrible and painful feelings which we cannot bear or do not like and without realising it, we 'project' these feelings onto someone else by saying horrible things to them. Thus your daughter hurls her grief and distress, all the horrible feelings inside herself, onto you. This is so common after a terrible event such as a death. She is in effect, "taking it out on you". She is doing this unconsciously, and it is not deliberate. She thinks she is actually angry with you but really she is terribly upset deep down and you are the only person with whom it is safe for her to feel those feelings. She needs someone to throw all her misery at. But who can she do this to? Not her child! It would destroy him! Not her MiL - she might stop liking her! Who is there in the world to whom we can rant, rave let out our utter misery, and yet they still go on loving us? Our mum, of course!! That's the crazy part! - she can only do this to you because in the whole world you are the only person she really loves and who she knows really loves her back! And now that she has lost someone who should never have died - well, as we know, she has learned that people can die and she's terrified of who she might lose next!! We all fear this deep down. But she probably has this fear nearer the surface.
I am so sorry to say to you that I would like you to stay there and just take it. Obviously you have to say something, but try and make it neutral. It sounds as if you are already good at this. Just nodding and saying "OK, I'll try". or whatever is appropriate. Most importantly - don't take in a single word! Let the words just fall off you like mist evaporating. But just be there because you are her anchor, safety net, rock, whatever analogy you like to use that signifies strength and security. She needs you. Try very hard not to fight back back. Simply love her. Imagine this is a toddler before you who does not understand a world which has stolen her most wonderful love, for the indescribable grief must have rendered her as helpless as a small child. I can't imagine what it must be like for her. The actual things she says are all rubbish as you know, so don't try to make them right with explanations. She is just like a two year old who cannot deal with her feelings. But fortunately she has you! If she did not have you these feelings so easily could turn inward and she might become suicidal.
So how do we build you up so you have enough strength to cope with this? First, do not ignore good nutrition. I am such a hypocrite - I confess - because I do not eat well. But try and eat as well as you can and if necessary take a vitamin supplement.
Then remember to love yourself. This is essential. It is not airy-fairy nonsense. If we do not love ourselves enough to treat ourselves well then we aren't a lot of use to others! There may be some YouTube videos or meditation tapes about this. Indeed meditation, with relaxation may be very helpful to you. You say you are in touch with your Church Pastor so I understand you believe in the Love of God the Father and you know we have a best friend in Jesus. So please remember to ask Him to help you, especially at those times when she is hurting you the most by appearing to favour her MiL.
Regarding her MiL, It is not surprising if this lady has been a bit possessive of your daughter since she lost her son. It is a delicate position for you. This Granny will probably cling to your Grandson a bit more than normal, having suffered the death of his father. I would tread very carefully and ask God to give His divine Love and help to deal with your emotions when this other Granny seems too possessive. It is very hard for you, but it is one of the most generous and kind things you could do, if it helps to heal this poor mother's grief at the death of her son.
Back to you - I am concerned that you are struggling on alone here. I don't like to hear you say you have thought of suicide. Please don't do that. It really is not the answer. I have had to deal with two people close to me who did it and I promise it really would be terrible for your grandson as well as many other people whom you probably can't think of at the moment.
You do need to talk to someone as i'm sure you know so please make an appointment to see your Doctor and say you need a double appointment. Tell him/her about your suicidal thoughts and pour out all your anxieties, burdens, distress about your daughter's words, and your mild autism. Autism is part of my family and my father had it mildly and my children are convinced I also have it! So let's shake e-hands! I think it makes us super-special!! It could mean your daughter is affected to. That might make processing her husband's death very hard as you know.
Will you keep in touch with us and let us know how you are? You are doing extremely well even if you don't feel like it. Believe me, these things do not go on forever!
Sending you lots of love and prayers, Elle 
