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daughter and mother in law

(87 Posts)
moggie57 Mon 17-Jun-19 21:40:06

my daughter is getting baptised at church this week, si caually asked her whether mother in law was coming.she turns round and says what makes you think she wont be here after all she is my mum.!!! (actually i'm her mum not mother in law) my d has changed since she married husband ,who recently passed way nearly 2 years ago from heart problems,and rightly so she was upset at fathers day service yesterday. but she is always saying things that she knows will upset me. the more i speak out the more upset it makes me ,so i say nothing. yesterday i said i was only asking.i actually said thats great and left it at that. but its gs birthday on friday and in a nasty voice she said WE are celebrating gs birthday at my mums. really says me .i'm your mum ...not mother in law. frosty looks .then in afternoon our community had summer fayre ,and she avoided me most of the afternoon till i made a point of calling gc over to play bagatelle,,,frosty look and says they do as i tell them not you.. so upset that i have made appointment with our pastor ,just really had enough of her nasty remarks.......i have to pussyfoot around her,....she really has changed .she not the d i bought up. dreading her baptism and her testimony...but i have to bite my tongue..

Starlady Thu 27-Jun-19 02:48:31

Glad to hear it went well! And that D's testimony didn't say anything negative about you.

If you and MIL have issues dating back to before D even met her deceased DH, then that may have something to do w/ what's going on. If D feels close to MIL b/c of a shared loss, and she knows you and MIL don't really get on, that might explain why she goes to lunch w/ MIL and excludes you. I'm so sorry about this, but I think that's what it is.

Namsnanny Thu 27-Jun-19 01:47:32

moggie… just caught up with your thread, and I too am very glad the day went off with no aggression towards you.

I might not have gone if I were in your shoes, because of the amount of negativity shown to you. So well done.

Smileless2012 Wed 26-Jun-19 20:24:38

Thanks for letting us know how it went I'm pleased it wasn't too awful for youflowers

Summerlove Tue 25-Jun-19 12:04:54

I’m glad it went as well as it could.

moggie57 Tue 25-Jun-19 11:55:57

well baptism went ok .i actually sat next ti mil..she said hello... testimony wasnt that bad and it featured her life with her husband and his illness and passing. was very emotional.i actually went and sat next to her when she was finished as a song was played that her and hubby liked.afterwards had photos taken by a friend.wanted to stand next to d so i told mil in law she was still my little matter what she calls you....they went out to lunch. family only . not me i'm not family. lol... so went to carvery with some other church friends.ther friction between me and mil in law goes back to the 1990's before d met hubby.. another story.apart from that day went quite well

Starlady Sun 23-Jun-19 11:14:31

"If your D's testimony is about her "troubled teenage years" you an bet you'll be in there somewhere."

I agree. Please brace yourself. Hopefully, though, there will be a clue in there as to why she's acting the way she is. If you feel comfortable, please let us know the gist of what she says.

"thursday evening was nice as i went home with gc for a few hours ."

Good! How did this come about?

Starlady Sun 23-Jun-19 11:06:14

Also, I agree you need to find your own, individual counselor. Seeking advice from your pastor isn't going to work right now, IMO, and he's giving you signals that it won't.

The fact that D has been spending time w/ MIL since she was 15, suggests to me that MIL has been a big influence in D's life. Do your issues regarding MIL and D go back to those early days?

Have you read the book, Toxic Inlaws, by Susan Forward? It describes different kinds of "toxic" ILs. One section is about what the author calls "Engulfers." These are people who welcome their new DIL or SIL into their family (yay!), but try to become totally enmeshed w/ them, to sort of swallow them up, so to speak. That may be what D's ILs have done w/ her. That might explain why she even calls MIL her "mum."

D may have turned to MIL b/c of clashes between the 2 of you. But to act as if her ILs are her family and you're not - that's just so extreme and bizarre that I can't help but think something more is going on here. I could be wrong, of course.

Starlady Sun 23-Jun-19 10:54:20

It seems as if you and DD clash over styles, etc. If she and MIL share the same taste, and so on, that may be why D seems to feel so close to her. Her attitude does seem extreme, no doubt.

As far as style is concerned, some things, like how you wear your hair are none of her business. Nor did she have any right to try to tell you what to wear on Mothering Sunday. If she wants people to dress up a little for her baptism, IMO, that's a different matter. I understand if you prefer trousers to dresses - I do too. But I'll wear a dress to formal occasions and would wear one for a special event of my DD's if she asked me to. As Smileless says, if you don't, DD may "have a go at you." Or just use it as another excuse to avoid/exclude you. Please think it over carefully.

Here's hoping all goes well!

Jaycee5 Sun 23-Jun-19 10:36:05

It sounds as if you need someone other than your pastor. If he is counselling your daughter then, if he were a professional counsellor, he would consider counselling you a conflict. Whether he acknowledges that or not (and he does seem to be trying to hang back), I can't see that it will help you at this stage. See someone for yourself and then the Pastor could possibly do some family counselling if she would agree. The advice from his assistant to confront your daughter is fine if you are prepared to accept that she will probably react in a hostile way and you will cause more damage to the relationship. You need help with knowing how to confront her if that is what you choose to do.
It does sound a bit as if she wants to withdraw from you for now and that might be best for both of you. I had to do it from my mother for a while but we have a good relationship now.
Good luck anyway.

Summerlove Sat 22-Jun-19 20:22:58

I’m sorry moggie.

I think you’ll need to go and prepare to just plaster a smile on your face regardless of what is said.

Regarding no food for two hours, if I had unexpected company for two hours with a small child I would have a hard time scrounging something to offer. Food in the house was usually allocated to meals. I’m sure she wasn’t trying to be hurtful.

Smileless2012 Sat 22-Jun-19 13:20:23

Oh dear moggieflowers. Of course we all hope that the baptism goes well but be prepared. If your D's testimony is about her "troubled teenage years" you an bet you'll be in there somewhere.

She's treating you very badly and this is clearly being enabled, condoned and possibly encouraged by her in lawsangry.

Of course you should be able to wear what you want but you probably realise that wearing trouser will be a good 'excuse' for her to have a go. I hope she doesn't but I'm sorry to say it is a distinct possibility.

We'll all be thinking of you and please let us know when you can, how it went.

moggie57 Sat 22-Jun-19 10:50:30

we had this out on mothers day last year. i actually got very emotional in church.d was going to mil as she did every sunjday. i asked mil why she thought it was ok to have d on this day,and she said she never thought anything about it as sunday d always went to her house. told my d that she was my d and that she should be at my home for mothers the end i said well maybe you can come for tea instead. so thats what happened. mil and her family are very controlling. its like my d doesnt have a choice in anything. i remember when she first started seeing sil ,and he was saying something and i said d can make her own mind up. he said i was only advising her.. so mil and her family have kind of taken over my d and dont bother about anyone else. especially me..but for my d to urn round and say why would i think that mil would not come up for the baptism and that she was my d mum.. i said i was only asking. very very hurt then. church lady i talked to instead of pastor .said stand up to d and tell her that she beeing rude and hurtful.i dont want to spoil my daughters special day.but am upset as i write this.pastor says her testimony is not about me but about her troubled teenage years .i told him i never heard or know anything of this.its was news to me.she was always around mil house when she was about 15.she met sil at church youth club.

moggie57 Sat 22-Jun-19 10:37:37

ok update on how things went. they didnt.pastor didnt show up .he didnt reaslise i wanted to speak to him in prayer room. anyway have now found out that my d and gc are at mil in kent today. she said WE are celebrating gs birthday in kent....i said had a lovely time.(biting) back a retort.. then sunday the day my d batism is. i asked my d what she was doing after the service. thought i might take her and gc to lunch. NO says d WE are going to lunch. (mil and husband and other siblings of husband)what about me ? she said its family only!!! i'm family says me. no she says its not her arrangement. i did speak to my pastor on the phone. told him what was happening. can see me breaking down in church .i want to go as its my d getting baptised .i only have her.pastor says i need counselling with my daughter .i agreed .thursday evening was nice as i went home with gc for a few hours . all i was offered was a cup of tea.was there for about 2 hours in all.. she had she known i was staying for a few hours she would have had dinner for me. i said a sandwich would be ok. oh says she .no bread.. oh says me. a biscuit maybe. not in front of the children. so i didnt get any wondering what to wear tomorrow as gd was saying she was wearing a dress. troble is i dont like dresses .so just plain black trousers and a nice top, d says a dress please....i cant afford new clothes. so it will be trousers after all.i should be able to wear what i want.

Starlady Fri 21-Jun-19 00:21:23

I'm afraid if you ask her why she's "so nasty," she'll just deny it or get mad. IMO, it would be better to ask her why she calls MIL her mum and why she excludes you from things.

Please be cautious if you do this though. You may not like or even understand her replies. And it would be very natural for you to want to defend yourself/argue with her, etc. I just hope you decide to think it all over instead and run it by us to see what we make of it.... Just a thought...

Starlady Fri 21-Jun-19 00:11:25

Also, I hope it's not insensitive to ask, but does DD still call you "Mum" or "Mummy?" Or even "Mother?" Maybe she's just trying to suggest that MIL is like a "second Mum?"

Starlady Fri 21-Jun-19 00:08:58

Moggie, so good to hear from you again, and to see that you have been to your GP and are seeing your pastor. I'm glad, also, that you're honest enough with yourself (and us) to realize that DD may not be comfortable with the "spacey" thinking or with the way you sometimes talk to yourself, etc. Also, I agree with those who say her attitude may have been affected by the fact that you had issues with her beloved H when he was alive and have had issues with her MIL whom she now feels close to.

In fact, that may be why she misinterpreted your question about MIL. You said something like, "Is MIL coming?" but, possibly, DD heard, "I hope your MIL isn't coming!" No one likes to have to watch their words, but, maybe, for the time being, it would be wiser not to mention her MIL at all, unless DD mentions her to you?

Summerlove Thu 20-Jun-19 14:14:19

Good luck today moggie. I hope this helps you find peace

moggie57 Thu 20-Jun-19 10:23:18

todays the day i see my pastor. will tell him all that you told me.. am really nervous because i know how my daughter is going to react. she will say that i'm always getting at mil .when actually i'm not .it was a simple question whether mil was coming or daughter wont let me do anything for her .even hold her hand or cuddle her.anyway must get dressed. chat later / xxxxx

paddyann Thu 20-Jun-19 09:01:35

doesn't "respect" have to be earned sharon and that goes both ways .The OP clearly had issues with her deceased SIL fact I think I remember a previous post by her saying so.Maybe this is the fallout from that time and her daughter is clinging to the woman who loved him as much as she did .We only know one side of the story ,she already mentioned a falling out and that although she has forgiven she hasn't forgot ..maybe she doesn't act as if she has "forgiven" if she hasn't put it behind her and supported a grieving young mum and child UNCONDITIONALLY any mother should .I hope the baptism isn't a search for peace because religion may not be the way to go to find it but I wish this young woman only well.I cant imagine how I would hav ecoped widowed young with a wee baby

nanee Thu 20-Jun-19 08:38:50

I have good reason to empathise with both of you. It sounds like you may be suffering a little from misunderstandings. Your daughter must be under bearly tolerable stress (been there myself). She probably is under pressure from the inlaws and just sees you as adding to it. Try and make sure she knows that you're there for her, but accept a back seat if thats all she can offer you for now. Maybe the priest should sort this out, but she'll not thank you for interferring when she is trying to be strong. You all need to be strong for the children, but I cant see why you shouldnt have equal inclusion. Maybe there's something she or you are not saying, due to stress, but try not to leave it too late?

Tillybelle Wed 19-Jun-19 15:22:13

God bless you moggie57. It's so good to hear from you. I would try to prepare yourself for your Daughter's Testimonial to have a lot about her MiL in it, I think she is going through a kind of "Craze" on her! Don't repeat that please! I really do to mean to demean her relationship with her, but I am sure that both of them feel closer to their man who died and feels a link to him when they are together. I was very close to a man - not in a Partners or going out together way, indeed I believe he was a non practising gay guy. Anyway he died terribly suddenly. In the months after his death, his mother, with whom he was living at the time of his death and who was a widow, kept phoning me. She said that talking to me made her feel closer to him and I brought him back for her because I knew him very well. That is why I think your daughter is so close to her late husband's mother and the late husband's mother so close to your daughter. Both of them feel they can bring him back through each other. It may take several months but it will slowly fade. Gradually they will loosen their attachment and need for each other.

I wholly agree that your daughter would benefit from Counselling. Who wouldn't after their young husband died? She definitely would benefit. I expect you know that at some points, not at the very beginning but a little way in, people can, while in counselling, become difficult. So just hang on and let it pass. There are some rocky things to work through, especially with such tremendous grief.

I shall pray for you, especially at your daughter's Baptism. Again, just in case the seating arrangement is made difficult for you I would try and find a friend who can support you. Be prepared that it might be hard. I too have been through a similar very hard ceremony in Church and I can simply say, you will get through it, it won't last for ever! People will know you and love you and everybody will know the very sad background. I cried all the way through the ceremony I mentioned even though I did not want to but I couldn't help it. I do hope yours does not last too long! Just try not to expect too much and be prepared if things don't work out how you would like.

It is so good to hear from you!

I shall keep you in my prayers and your grandson and daughter. Trust in the Lord, He will hold you and will understand the pain.
With Christian Love, and Prayers, Elle x 🌈✞ 💐🌺

sharon103 Wed 19-Jun-19 13:53:17

Wishing you well Moggie and I really hope things work out well for you eventually and glad to hear that keeping yourself occupied most days. Hugs and flowers

moggie57 Wed 19-Jun-19 12:27:25

many many thanks tillybelle for the uplifting words.i can understand the anger bits as i felt like that mum died. i just never seen it that way...she doesnt do it to they both share the same grief.but i think my daughter needs some more councilling. being baptised means loving god/jesus and bring her into the church family.i'm just dreading her testimony....i wonder if this week i can sit with the other members of sil family. not going to be pushed out this time. need to stand firm.thankyou to everyone for your kind words and some i dont agree with. my daughter is mine and i love her lots .i could not turn away from her.

moggie57 Wed 19-Jun-19 12:17:21

i already do a lot . i work voluntary for salvation army charity shop. i go out days with my brother. or go walking...i dont rely on my daughter for anything .because if i ask to visit her .i get the answer we busy. or the gc have an after school learning no day is free for her. / then other days gc have girls and boys brigade.before during summer holidays i had gc on tuesdays all day ,this has now stopped as they are busy..........i really need to sit down with daughter and ask her why she so nasty.

moggie57 Wed 19-Jun-19 12:11:21

thankyou sharon. have seen the dr's today .he didnt recommend anti depressant as i got mild epilepsy and this doesnt help. but am going for ENT and head scan. see if theres any thing else making me so spaced out.somedays i cant think straight. maybe she embarressed that i am like this.i think i will get her and me some councilling to find out why she is so nasty to me.if i speak out it makes me upset .just the way i am....she knows it upsets me. it like she likes what she's doing...